Advice

So much of how we perceive life is attitude. If we approach a situation with confidence and patience, we’re often more successful. If we come in digging in our heels or sure we’re doomed to failure, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thus, it probably shouldn’t come as a surprise that online dating is no different.

“Come on now,” you might be saying. “Dating is different in that it takes two to tango. I can’t make myself land dates through sheer force of will, can I?”

Well, perhaps not. But one thing you absolutely can do on your own is self-sabotage. Maybe you can’t conjure a date out of thin air, but you can certainly squander perfectly good opportunities and watch them go up in smoke.

Bad attitudes can come in various forms in the world of online dating, and some of them are less obvious than others. One that’s quite prevalent is the skeptic approach. Imagine a person who goes to a magician’s show and stands, arms folded, waiting to point out the stray wire or cleverly placed mirror. No one else in the audience really thinks the magician is some sort of wizard; they’re willing to suspend disbelief, and enjoy the experience.

These same sour audience members pop up on online dating sites. They’re waiting to see real magic, a perfect match ready and waiting, and if they don’t, they’ll complain about it to everyone they know. Instead, they could be putting in actual effort themselves; by sitting back with their arms folded, they’re getting less out of it than everyone else.

Another is the scaredy-cat. This person has bought into the stereotype that the online dating world is a seedy, scary underground. Rather than simply employ the same good judgment and safety measures they do anywhere else in life, these people view every date as a potential serial killer. They’re so obsessed with scanning for red flags that at the end of the night, they realize they’ve barely heard a word their date was saying. Because they’re incapable of relaxing, they’re wasting everyone’s time.

Another kind of bad attitude could happen to any of us, no matter what our experience with online dating: the unlucky one. Maybe they’ve just gotten out of a bad relationship, or maybe they’ve had a dry spell in online dating. They feel like nothing has gone right for them in the love department in recent memory, so why should this be any different? Instead of being excited about a date or an email, they’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So as you sit down to answer emails or even look at profiles, ask yourself: are you in the right mindset to do this right now? If you’re expecting failure, you might overlook someone who might otherwise be a good fit, or answer that email less enthusiastically than usual. Sometimes it’s better to just take a break and come back when your outlook is more refreshed. You might not be able to magically find love with a good attitude - but you certainly have a better shot of seeing the possibilities when you take off your gloom-colored glasses.

You've been dating a guy for the past month, and clicked from the start. There was so much chemistry between you it was hard to ignore, so you jumped right in. But just as quickly as you two seemed to hit it off, he has suddenly becomes less and less available, and completely unreliable. One minute he's telling you you're amazing, and the next he's cancelling plans at the last minute or ignoring your text messages.

Sound familiar? Maybe you're beating yourself up right now trying to figure out what happened. Maybe you're asking yourself - did I say something wrong? Is he really just too busy with work? Does he even want to go out anymore?

If your date runs hot and cold - one minute he's totally into you and the next he's not returning a text, you have to wonder what's going on. It can be frustrating and confusing, but there are reasons behind this behavior.

Following are some possible explanations:

He's immature. It's possible that he's not ready for a real relationship, especially if he's in his early twenties and wanting to explore his options a bit. If this is the case, and you want something more serious, it's better to move on. You're in different places in your life, so don't try to force a relationship.

He's a player. Many women ignore the red flags because players can be so good at making a woman feel special. But if he keeps you at a distance, or can only have a relationship on his terms, then you know you're dealing with someone who's not being completely honest about his intentions.

He needs time. Most guys aren't convinced that they want a relationship after only a couple of dates, even if the chemistry is there. Ask yourself if you come on too strong, or if you're looking for some kind of commitment too soon. Sometimes people can be turned off quickly by the smell of desperation. All relationships need some time to build, so don't get carried away with the heady chemistry of the first few dates. Slow it down and allow the relationship to unfold more slowly - see if it's truly right for both of you.

He doesn't know what he wants. Has he dated a lot of women? Did any of these relationships last? If not, then it's likely because he's not very clear about what he wants from a relationship. Maybe he knows the physical types he's attracted to, but he hasn't considered what he needs from a woman emotionally, which is important, too.

Most importantly, listen to your gut. Are his actions consistent with his words? This is how you know if a good relationship with your date is possible.

We use the word “compatibility” all the time. But what does it really mean to be compatible? Like so many other words we use to describe relationships (“love,” for example, or “chemistry”) it’s a nebulous term that probably means different things to different people at different times. But we can at least remind ourselves of a few key factors as we peruse profiles and meet people on dates.

First, there’s what most people probably think of first: mutual physical attraction. This often overlaps with “chemistry.” This one is interesting in that it’s very difficult to begin a relationship without physical attraction, but it’s one of the things most susceptible to change, whether by time, or medical conditions, or fate, or whim. Most people will tell you that you definitely need that “spark” to start off a relationship, but they’ll also say you definitely need more than that to maintain one. Not to mention the fact that for some, attraction grows over time... it’s a tricky element, to be sure.

The next factor people generally think of is common interests. This is what we tend to rely on to gauge compatibility as we look at profiles. Often, it’s not the specifics that really matter - do you really have to share the same movie? - it’s that we know that our interests help paint a picture of who we are. We can tell, at least a little, what the person values, what their sense of humor is like, maybe even a bit about their personality, just from their interests. Sure, we might surmise wrongly from time to time, but it at least gives us a hint, rather than meeting blindly. So it’s not the interests themselves that are necessarily so important, it’s that they can be a clue to the person behind them (also why people can be compatible and not have many common interests; it’s the people themselves that share the compatibility).

One factor in compatibility that people tend to forget: the ability to have fun together. All the common interests in the world won’t help if all you’ll do is argue about the specifics of them. In contrast, another couple might few each other’s world as completely exotic and alien - but an adventure they’re willing to take. Similar to the common interests issue, when you’re in sync on having a good time it can actually be indicative of complementary personalities, world views, and other aspects of your personality. Every couple has to work on skills like communication, but in some couples, some things just seem “easier.” It’s a great asset to have, because life itself isn’t always easy.

Now as you head out on dates, when you ask yourself if you’re compatible you’ll have a few elements to consider. Do you have that spark of physical chemistry? Do you share common interests, and more importantly, do you have a good time talking about what you share and what you don’t? If your answer to all of the above is an enthusiastic “Yes,” you probably already know that you’re eager to see your date again. But if you’re not certain, perhaps this will help you determine why.

Perhaps you’re at a stage wherein you’ve worked diligently on your online dating profile, deemed it done, and put it up for all the world to see. But now... well, you’re having trouble just leaving it there. Maybe this word should be changed, this phrase tweaked. While you don’t want to drive yourself crazy trying to fix something that isn’t broken, you can use this impulse to your advantage.

Instead of thinking about “improving” your profile, think about “updating” it. Keeping a profile updated is something everyone should keep in mind; even if you’re checking your profile every day, if it has a reference to wanting to see a movie that came out last year, people are going to wonder if you’re even around anymore.

And while some might balk at making sure they’re not “so last season,” there are in fact brand-new profiles with content from five years ago - or even older. This tends to happen when someone has been off the market for some time. Now they’re single, so they dust off the old profile and copy and paste it into a new account - without giving it so much as a once-over. After all, it’s worked before. Never mind the fact that there’s a joke in there about “partying like it’s 1999.”

A good, obvious way to keep a profile up-to-date is to reference a season or holiday. With a season, you only have to really make sure it’s updated a few times a year. With a specific holiday, you have to be a little bit more on your toes; it’s understandable if you don’t get around to changing it the very day after the holiday, but get more than a week past and it starts to look stale.

Similarly, something that requires a little less constant editing is the concept of adding new content. For example, put up that picture of you in your Halloween costume the very next day; they’ll know you’re actively searching for someone, and you don’t have to take down the photo later (unless you feel you have too many photos up or they’ve become too outdated).

Another way is to mention an event you’re looking forward to or have just attended - the release of a movie, a book, a concert. Not only does this show you’ve updated your profile recently, it can underscore the fact that you’re local and that you have similar interests as your readers. For example, maybe you mention a festival at a city park that was also attended by your potential match. Suddenly, they feel like there’s a pre-existing connection.

So if you’re feeling the need to pick at your profile, try not to play with the structure or content too much; if you put a fair amount of work into it, you’re probably only over-thinking now. But take a few minutes to make sure it’s updated instead; it’ll satisfy that urge to “do something,” and keep your profile fresh at the same time.

Creating a great online dating profile isn't as easy as it looks. Many people write profile descriptions and post pictures with good intentions, perhaps not thinking about how they come across to a total stranger.

While a few phrases might seem harmless and welcoming to you, they might actually come across as clichéd or generic. Sure, your friends get you and could vouch for how wonderful you are, but you have to sell yourself to strangers in your profile, so it's important to take the extra time to make yours stand out.

Here's how to avoid falling into the cliché trap:

Choose good pictures. Please don't take a picture of yourself shirtless, or in front of the bathroom mirror, or next to your really expensive car. While you might think it's a turn-on, you'll turn more people off. Instead, use pictures that represent who you are - active shots of you skiing, or playing guitar, or cooking. It's also important to be truthful in the visual, so use both a good head and body shot (taken within the last few months).Get a friend to help instead of taking them yourself.

Be specific. Who doesn't like long walks on the beach? Or weekend getaways? And everyone can be comfortable either A.) staying in and watching movies in sweats or B.) dressing up and going out to a nice dinner. Enough with the clichés! Instead, pick a specific scenario and describe it - what was the most romantic date you've been on, or can imagine? What exactly would you do? Or what is a memorable travel experience you can share? The more specific and the more it actually does interest you, the better.

Use your humor. Don't just say you're funny or that you like someone with a sense of humor, show how you're funny. You don't have to cover your profile with jokes or come off as totally sarcastic, but one or two comments that show off your humor are great attractors.

Don't go on and on. If you talk too much about yourself or what you want, people will stop reading. Who wants to try to live up to someone's ideal, or read that much information? That's way too much pressure. Also, there's no room for mystery and getting to know each other's likes and dislikes over the course of a relationship. Keep it brief - have a friend edit if necessary.

Avoid clichéd phrases like "I work hard and play hard." What does this even mean anymore? Instead of relying on standard lines, use your own words and descriptions - no more platitudes. You will come across so much more interesting and attractive if you avoid generics and describe what you want more creatively.

Dating can be pretty stressful. Sometimes nerves overtake us when we're meeting new people, and we try to put on a show to impress. My friend used to refer to this as "projection dating" - you both throw the best version of yourselves up on the screen (for the other person to gaze at admiringly), and then try to find a connection. The thing is, it doesn't usually work like that.

Connections are built on something more fundamental - that is, people are attracted to what makes you - you. It's hard to see that when dating, because we're all trying to be the best possible girlfriend/boyfriend prospects we can be.

But take your sales hat off for a minute and try to take a step back. You'll impress more when you come across as genuine, interested in your date, and sincere.

What to avoid on the next date:

Rattling off stats about yourself. Yawn. Nobody wants to hear a resume of your accomplishments, desires, etc. Try to engage instead of talk. Conversation is about two people connecting.

Trying too hard. If you're looking to impress with your job successes, houses, boats, cars, etc., you won't get very far. Sure, many women like successful men, but there's a difference between successful and being conceited, which is a real turn-off.

Being sarcastic. It's fine to be funny or ironic, but if you are trying to protect yourself from vulnerability through sarcasm it will backfire. Make sure your words and actions are respectful.

Looking nervous. Of course you might feel nervous, but try not to think about how the other person is judging you. Remember, you are both on the date - you are both assessing whether the person across from you is right. So loosen up, relax, and try to have a little fun.

What to do on the next date:

Ask her questions. You read her profile, right? That's a great starting point. Take one of her interests and start asking about it, maybe even suggesting the two of you do that on your next date.

Engage. This might seem intuitive, but don't look around at all the other women in the room, pay attention to your date. You'd be surprised how many men know better but do this anyway.

Compliment her, but don't overdo it. If you tell her she's beautiful all night she's going to resent it. Pick something specific to compliment, like how great her story-telling ability is or how gorgeous her eyes look with her dress. Women like compliments, but not if they feel forced or stale.