Breaking Down Compatibility

We use the word “compatibility” all the time. But what does it really mean to be compatible? Like so many other words we use to describe relationships (“love,” for example, or “chemistry”) it’s a nebulous term that probably means different things to different people at different times. But we can at least remind ourselves of a few key factors as we peruse profiles and meet people on dates.

First, there’s what most people probably think of first: mutual physical attraction. This often overlaps with “chemistry.” This one is interesting in that it’s very difficult to begin a relationship without physical attraction, but it’s one of the things most susceptible to change, whether by time, or medical conditions, or fate, or whim. Most people will tell you that you definitely need that “spark” to start off a relationship, but they’ll also say you definitely need more than that to maintain one. Not to mention the fact that for some, attraction grows over time... it’s a tricky element, to be sure.

The next factor people generally think of is common interests. This is what we tend to rely on to gauge compatibility as we look at profiles. Often, it’s not the specifics that really matter - do you really have to share the same movie? - it’s that we know that our interests help paint a picture of who we are. We can tell, at least a little, what the person values, what their sense of humor is like, maybe even a bit about their personality, just from their interests. Sure, we might surmise wrongly from time to time, but it at least gives us a hint, rather than meeting blindly. So it’s not the interests themselves that are necessarily so important, it’s that they can be a clue to the person behind them (also why people can be compatible and not have many common interests; it’s the people themselves that share the compatibility).

One factor in compatibility that people tend to forget: the ability to have fun together. All the common interests in the world won’t help if all you’ll do is argue about the specifics of them. In contrast, another couple might few each other’s world as completely exotic and alien - but an adventure they’re willing to take. Similar to the common interests issue, when you’re in sync on having a good time it can actually be indicative of complementary personalities, world views, and other aspects of your personality. Every couple has to work on skills like communication, but in some couples, some things just seem “easier.” It’s a great asset to have, because life itself isn’t always easy.

Now as you head out on dates, when you ask yourself if you’re compatible you’ll have a few elements to consider. Do you have that spark of physical chemistry? Do you share common interests, and more importantly, do you have a good time talking about what you share and what you don’t? If your answer to all of the above is an enthusiastic “Yes,” you probably already know that you’re eager to see your date again. But if you’re not certain, perhaps this will help you determine why.