Long Term

I have to admit, when I was single and dating, it was much less stressful to go on a bad date rather than have a good date with a guy who had potential. The reason? I didn’t trust myself enough to think that I knew what I was doing; that I could somehow convince him to like me enough to stay.

It sounds needy when I write about it, but when you have been on several dates with someone and really feel the relationship could be going somewhere, it’s terrifying. Should you just be yourself, and run the risk of scaring him off? Or do you consider everything he could possibily be thinking (and therefore drive yourself nuts trying to change)? Or should you play it cool, and avoid showing him you really care because you might not be on the same page (and that would just be too embarrassing)?

Here is the assumption: dating is a bit of a dance. In the beginning, we are always up for trying new things (Star Wars marathon, scuba diving, or playing baseball – sure why not??). We do feel more adventurous when we are sexually excited by our date. We want him to know we are fun, cool, exciting and mysterious – all those things The Rules taught us - lurking in the backs of our minds.

The truth is, your true selves will emerge sooner or later, so it’s time to get comfortable with the fact that no matter what, you will make mistakes. But here's the good part: you can’t really "mess things up." If he’s truly the one, you will know that he is interested. You won’t have to try so hard to get him to like you. There won’t be mixed messages. He will go out of his way to let you know he's interested - despite your embarrassing moments.

The thing about guys is – when they want a woman, they pursue her. Even the ones who claim to be commitment-phobes. If you are afraid you will come across as goofy, nerdy, not attractive enough, or somehow unlovable when your guy is really interested in you – stop. If he is the right one for you, he won’t care about that time you spilled ice cream down the front of his shirt, or drank a little too much, or kept going on and on about your work conference. He will be much more interested in you, not your quirks or mistakes. In fact, he probably finds them endearing.

Most importantly, you won’t be chasing him, or wondering what he thinks, or second-guessing yourself at every turn. So instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop, it’s time to just enjoy dating him.

Have you been on a date where you felt incredible chemistry and got excited about the relationship’s potential, and then after a few more dates, for some reason it just fizzled out? Maybe you were left disillusioned. You wondered what happened to that initial spark that fueled the first date? Does it just go away? Was it really there in the first place?

The problem with relying on chemistry to tell us whether or not we should pursue a relationship is that it leaves us feeling confused, heartbroken and often disappointed. Chemistry is a heady feeling, but it’s not indicative of anything but that particular moment. Chemistry can be fleeting, and it can be misguided. We’re often drawn to people who aren’t really right for us, but we pursue them because of chemistry, most of the time falling for them before we even get to know them.

But why can’t we trust chemistry? While you might want to feel that confirmation of attraction for someone else, the truth is – chemistry is dodgy. You don’t really know who the person is after one date, or even a few. You are really taking that feeling of chemistry and applying a fantasy to it – and to your date. This is a recipe for disaster if you don’t take your time and really get to know him.

But why wait? You didn’t imagine that the chemistry was there – you actually felt it. And he seemed to as well. Shouldn’t you just go along for the ride?

Chemistry is very attractive, and if you want to go for it, you can. But dive in with your eyes wide open. Chemistry doesn’t mean lasting relationship – and I think this is where women get their hearts broken, because they are already imagining a future.

How many times has a relationship that started with such chemistry fizzled? Probably more often than you want to consider. I’m not knocking chemistry. The truth is, the chemistry might have been there, but for any number of reasons, he’s just not interested in pursuing a relationship. It might have to do with his own issues, or a former girlfriend coming into the picture, or he might not feel the same connection that you do.

The main point is – look for the signs that he’s interested before you invest heart, mind, body and soul into this man. If you are having sex, he might keep calling you from time to time until he meets someone else, and if your feelings continue to grow, it can be devastating. Know your own emotional limits, and what you are willing to endure.

If you see that he only calls you from time to time, that maybe you date once a week or a few times a month, then know he’s not interested in taking the relationship to the next level. Instead of reading into his inconsistent romantic gestures, it’s better to look at your relationship and take it at face value. It isn’t going anywhere.

If you are okay with that, then go for it and have fun, but continue to date other people. If you are not fine with his non-committal and flaky behavior, then it’s time to get real about his intentions and walk away before you get too invested. Someone better for you is out there.

We all know the heady feeling of passion – how it makes us feel and how we crave it in our love lives. There is the rush of emotion when you get a text from the object of your affection, or see him standing in front of you. There is that warm feeling that comes over you when you kiss, when you have sex, when you are wrapped up in each other. Desire, passion, lust – these are extreme emotional highs that we crave.

Maybe you’ve been on a few dates with someone who fills you with that passion. You’re already planning trips together, dreaming about how perfect he seems for you. You look forward to the relationship progressing, to moving in together, to him being “the one.” You fantasize about your love, and how he brings out such emotion in you.

Then a few weeks later, the sex isn’t so hot. He isn’t so attractive. He has this annoying habit of interrupting you every time you start to say something. His house is a mess and you feel like his mother when you clean up after him. He is still in touch with his ex girlfriend. He starts calling you less and less often, and isn’t so excited to see you anymore.

Needless to say, the seeds of passion have not brought the bloom of long-term love that you were craving in the first place.

When it comes to long-term relationships, these passion-filled romances don’t typically stand the test of time. They are intense, but like every high, at some point, you must come down. And then comes the true test of the relationship.

Long-term relationships require a deeper connection than passion. They often take a long time to grow. Which is why it’s not the best idea to reject dates who don’t bring out that passion you crave right away.

Passion isn’t just about heady, immediate lust. While that is always tempting to follow, it’s important to consider what you truly want: a life filled with short-term, intense flings? Or a long-term companion where love grows deeper?

Seeking long-term love as opposed to chasing passion isn’t about settling. It’s about understanding what you really want. It’ thinking about more than heady feelings of lust – but rather, about mutual respect, kindness and about having a real and lasting connection with a partner. Passion wears off no matter what relationship you are in, so you have to ask yourself: what is left after that? Do I even like the person I’m with?

What is it that I’m really hoping to have?

Most of us crave deeper connections. We don’t want someone who is just around for the good times, and takes off when things get rough or boring. We want someone we can trust, who we like, who makes us laugh, who respects and cares for us, who is committed for the long haul. This isn’t the stuff of passion – it is the stuff of deep relationships. Be clear about what you want before you keep chasing passion.

Across the board, so-called “hookup apps” have a certain reputation. It's right there in the name. While plenty of singles use dating apps like Tinder to find actual relationships, popular perception skews in a much more sensationalized direction.

No group falls victim to that melodramatic media coverage more than the gay community, who constantly catch flack for the use of Grindr and similar apps. The common refrain is that these applications encourage risky sexual behavior and exist only for easy, no-strings-attached gratification, but a new study may have people rethinking that narrow-minded assumption.

Garrett Prestage, associate professor of sociology at the University of New South Wales’ Kirby Institute, says 80% of gay men now find their boyfriends through apps and dating websites.

According to his research, published in AIDS and Behaviour and backed by the National Health and Medical Research Council and LaTrobe University, showed that only 14% of gay men met their partners online in 2001. Fourteen years later, things are drastically different.

Today, the numbers of gay men who meet long-term partners at bars, at sex-on-premises venues, and through friends have dropped dramatically, and the changing landscape of gay dating is forcing safer-sex campaigners to rethink their strategies and assumptions.

It's long been said that men who using dating sites or mobile apps are at a higher risk than men who do not, but Prestage casts doubt upon any studies that seem to confirm that theory. “This data show that this is faulty logic because most gay men meet partners this way… be that romantic or sexual,” he says. “If they’re comparing it with men who don’t use apps they’re comparing men who are sexually active with those who are not.”

Prestage adds that “the myth that an online hook up is only just about sex” could mean that health organisations using apps and websites for HIV prevention outreach could be falling short of their goals.

“A more sensible approach is simply to accept that men are more likely to meet via online methods these days and make sure that there are appropriate online interventions and information,” he argues.

A more effective tactic would be to target specific users based on what they're looking for, providing different messaging for men looking for relationships and men looking for casual sex. Ultimately, while apps can certainly help increase awareness around sexual health campaigns, they aren't a sufficient strategy for serious engagement.

Health organizations must adapt to the changing landscape of gay dating if they want to remain relevant and engaging.

Think you’ll have a better chance of meeting a new love through friends rather than Tinder? According to a recent survey by website Mic, you’re probably right.

Mic, a news website catering specifically to Millennials, decided to get to the bottom of dating apps and online dating to figure out how people in relationships are actually meeting. As it turns out, for all the buzz of Tinder – (and good news for the online-dating averse) – more couples have met through friends, work and in real-life social situations as opposed to over the Internet.

Mic surveyed more than 2,300 people between 18 and 34 years old, and it turns out, the vast majority of them – almost 39% - met their SOs through mutual friends, despite being part of the Tinder/ dating app generation. The next largest group – 22% of respondents - met through real-life social situations, such as at parties or bars. Eighteen percent met at work. When it comes to online dating, less than 10% of respondents met this way, and less than six percent met through social media. (Although to be fair to social media, this is quite extraordinary, considering it hasn’t been around nearly as long as online dating has.)

The latest Pew study reveals that online dating is gaining acceptance among the masses - 59% of Americans now believe that this is a good way to meet someone. But apparently, the majority of folks still aren’t meeting their next relationships that way.

There is a reason most people still prefer to meet through friends. Having the endorsement of someone you like and trust goes a long way, especially in the dating market where bad behavior is part of the experience. It’s like a little insurance policy against meeting someone – a total stranger - who might end up being hurtful or even dangerous.

This is evident in the dating app world, where meeting strangers online is commonplace. However, the fact that most apps have some type of verification through social media – for instance, requiring users to have a legitimate Facebook profile before being able to use the app – shows that there is a desire for validation before agreeing to a date. Some apps have taken this process a step further, connecting people online only through mutual social media friends (as with Hinge), or being an invitation-only app, such as with The League.

So what does this mean for the next generation of online daters? Dating apps and online dating are definitely here to stay – but it looks like the technology will keep gravitating towards mutual connections, either through social media or in real life.

Here's a post-Valentine's Day reality check: happy couples may not be happy at all, just really good at deluding themselves.

Publications like Cosmo would have you believe that the secret to romantic success is seeing your partner as they truly are. And it does sound nice, but psychological research suggests it's the wrong approach. Instead, the key to a happy relationship is seeing your partner as you wish they were.

Just think about it for a second and suddenly it seems obvious: of course someone who believes their partner lives up to everything they've ever wanted is more satisfied with their relationship. How could they not be? Sure, they may be deceiving themselves, but can we say it's wrong if it works?

A study on the subject was published a few years back in the journal Psychological Science. A research team from the University at Buffalo and the University of British Columbia gathered together 200 couples who came to a courthouse in Buffalo, NY, to get marriage licenses. Then, twice a year for the next three years, the researchers questioned each person individually about themselves, their partners, and their visions of an ideal partner.

Afterwards, the answers were analyzed for certain patterns. The researchers sought out people who idealized their partners – those whose descriptions of their partner's traits matched their descriptions of their fictional perfect match (even if their partner did not self-report seeing those traits in him- or herself).

"If I see a pattern of traits that are more positive than what my partner says about themselves, that's what we mean by idealization," explains Dale Griffin, one of the study's co-authors. "That is, there is a correlation between my ideal set of traits and what I see in my partner that she does not see in herself."

Each time the researchers checked in with the couples, they also gave them a survey designed to measure relationship satisfaction. All couples reported a decline in happiness over time, but those who held positive illusions about their partners experienced significantly less of a decline.

The Psychological Science paper reports that “People in satisfying marital relationships see their own relationship as superior to other people's relationships” and that they also “see virtues in their partners that are not obvious to anyone else.” In fact, it gets even more extreme: “People in stable relationships even redefine what qualities they want in an ideal partner to match the qualities they perceive in their own partner.”

In other words, it's ok – and maybe even better – that love is a little blind.