Advice

As much as we like romantic movies and seeing the handsome hero chase after the beautiful girl, these stories have also skewed our perception of what love really means.

Many woman tend to be romantic when it comes to love, and if a guy doesn't deliver in the hearts and flowers department, all bets are off. But this thinking can be counter-productive to real, lasting relationships.

The reason? People often mistake romantic gestures as the leading sign of a good relationship. Instead of two individuals creating a partnership together, romantics tend to look at relationships as something to be pursued and won. They expect their love lives to be filled with non-stop passion or they aren't satisfied. Some even create drama to keep the emotions running high. But this isn't sustainable in the long run.

I'm not suggesting that relationships become robotic with no passion or romance - quite the opposite. I believe that real love comes from a sense of shared adventure, mutual respect, support, and love from each partner, rather than a sense of being rescued or chased or in a constant flux between emotional highs and lows.

Romantics view relationships in unhealthy ways, and then are disappointed that their love lives are not what they'd hoped. For example, a romantic might say:

• A man should wine and dine me, sweep me off my feet.
• Passion and romance are the only way a man can show me he loves me.
• If he doesn't work to win my affection, then he'll get bored and move on. So I keep him guessing about how I feel.
• A man should know what makes me happy without me telling him.
• I expect my man to buy me expensive things to show his love.

When you let go of this idealized thinking about your love interest, it leads to a happier love life. You can retrain your thinking by giving yourself a little perspective. Here's a healthier, more realistic approach:

• I love a man with passion and a sense of adventure, who likes to go with the flow and see where an evening takes us, whether it's out for a picnic or a bike ride in the country.
• When a man I'm attracted to is showing me affection, I like to let him know I feel the same way with small gestures, like grabbing his hand or kissing him over the dining table.
• Nobody's a mind reader. If I want to be heard or have my needs met, I will be open and communicate with my partner.
• Expensive gifts don't equal love - thoughtful gestures, like giving me a card when you know I'm down, go a lot further in showing me how you feel.

Romance is an exciting part of any relationship. But letting go of unrealistic expectations so you can enjoy true and lasting love, is even better.

Check out almost any online dating profile and you’ll probably notice that when it comes to qualities that people look for, a sense of humor rates almost at the top of the list. If one were to be completely honest, attractiveness probably ranks first for most, but you probably won’t see that listed (and it’s kind of a given anyway). Thus “being funny” becomes even more important. And what a coincidence: most people state in their self-summaries that they are, in fact, terrifically funny. Worse, they often try to prove it.

In general, there’s nothing wrong with trying to “show” instead of “tell” in your profile; it’s recommended, in fact. But while it can be easy to “show” some traits by listing facts instead of making claims (like bringing up your extensive charity work in lieu of saying you’re kind or compassionate), it’s much harder to have “evidence” of your sense of humor, unless you’re a successful, working comedian. So people try to gain credibility by being funny in their profile. This is almost always a mistake.

There are a few problems, actually. First of all, so much is involved in comedy - facial expressions, timing, the tone of voice - that is next to impossible to recreate in text. It’s entirely possible you’re hilarious in person, but if you’re not experienced in comedic writing, you might not come across in remotely the same way.

Next, even at the best of times, comedy is highly subjective. Check out any popular comedian and chances are you can easily find someone who can’t understand why this unfunny person ever got famous. Even if you’re in fabulous form on your profile, you’re still running the risk that the reader won’t “get” you (which you also do in person, but at least you’re expending considerably less effort and there’s less risk).

Finally, you’re attempting to be funny on command, about a specific subject. Not an easy task - ask the writers for any awards-show host. Again, even if you’re absolutely hysterical most of the time, these aren’t great conditions for anyone.

So what do you do? Instead of trying to “prove” your comedic worth, or making claims about your amazing reputation, try the understated approach. Say that you appreciate comedy, or mention that you’d like to find someone with a similar sense of humor. Maybe you could list some of your favorite books, TV shows or movies that match your “style.” Just as you wouldn’t try to convince someone you’re really attractive, don’t go overboard convincing them of funniness - it practically falls under the broad header of “chemistry,” and is best experienced in person, anyway.

Oh, and whatever you do, don’t try to explain or describe your sense of humor, either (like “sarcastic” or “witty” or “impressions”). After all, as any truly funny person knows, you’ve already sunk when you try to explain yourself.

My generally-cynical friend, Rose, announced that she wasn’t going to keep her online profile up through the month of December. “There’s no point,” she explained. “Last year it was totally dead in my area, and besides, people just want to have a date for their work holiday party or something to do on New Year’s.”

Now, in general I don’t agree with Rose when she becomes a Negative Nancy, but for a moment I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps she was completely accurate. Perhaps the online dating site she uses was particularly quiet last December - after all, people often travel to see family, or use up their vacation time, over the holidays. Perhaps the majority of those still in town were looking primarily for a date to a holiday event. Still...

“So what?” I asked her.

She raised her eyebrows. “So what?” she repeated.

“So what if someone is just looking for a date to a holiday party?”

“Well,” she said, “It makes me feel like there’s just some ulterior motive - like I could be any random person, being used for some specific purpose. It seems hard to believe that a relationship could start under those conditions.”

“Sure,” I said, “I understand that. But the truth is, we never really know the motivation of the person we’ve just met. How is wanting a date for a party any different from wanting a first date to get back on that horse after a bad breakup? Or ultimately looking for a future spouse and parent to your future children? We all have some ulterior motive, but that doesn’t mean it’s sinister. Either way, we’re still not going to go out with someone we’re not remotely interested in. And if we have a great time, we’re going to want to see them again, even if we were just planning on finding someone for this one party. And what’s wrong with wanting someone to laugh with over the holidays?”

Rose looked thoughtful, but I wasn’t done yet.

“Besides,” I added, “Sure, it’s true that the majority of relationships probably start on some random day of the year and not in some ultra-romantic setting like waiting for the ball to drop on New Year’s Eve. But just because the majority of them start in more mundane settings doesn’t mean that all of them do. There’s no reason to avoid a potential relationship just because you think it’s a cliche.”

Perhaps I’m just a hopeless romantic. However, Rose did ultimately keep her profile up for the month of December, though she claimed it was just due to her “laziness.” What do you think?

We're coming up on the holidays, and you might be anticipating some anxiety about your single status. Sure, you love your life, your independence, your ability to make last-minute plans without consulting with anyone else. But you also long for the partnership, romance, and companionship that comes with being in a relationship. So why hasn't it happened already?

The fact is, it takes time to find someone special, especially as you get older. You might be more picky in your thirties than you were in your twenties, (and that's a good thing, as long as you don't take it to extremes)! You know better the type of relationship you want. Also, work might have taken you away from focusing on your personal life, and now you want to shift your priorities a little. Whatever the case, you're ready, so following are a few tips to help speed things along (but having a little patience won't hurt...)

Make dating a priority. If you've put work first in the past, now is the time to shift your thinking. You can't make real progress by going on a few dates a month. You have to do more - let your friends know that it's okay to set you up, sign up for more than one online dating site, attend parties, strike up conversations with total strangers. If this puts you outside your comfort zone, that's okay. With a little practice, it will become easier and you'll see it pay off with more dates.

Break down those barriers. Stop telling yourself there are no good men out there, or that you seem to attract all the wrong guys, or any other dating myth you've perpetuated over the years. With 50% of U.S. adults being single, there's no reason you can't meet a good catch. So turn the negative chatter off and start thinking more positively. Even if you've been on a few bad dates lately, try opening up a little more instead of being so guarded and see who you meet and what happens. Dating should be a fun process, not a self-defeating one.

Stop comparing your life to others. There's nothing more counter-productive to finding the right relationship than looking at all of your friends who already have one. Don't assume they are all happy, and don't assume you're doing something wrong because you don't have what they do. Stop comparing, period. Everyone has her own path. Everyone's love life has a different timing. Yours will come, but only if you allow it to happen.

Think about someone you know in your daily life. Think about how they tend to dress or look. Now go to their page on a social network, and look at the photos they have that represent themselves. Is it a perfect match? Probably not; pictures tend to be taken at special events, like weddings or Halloween parties. Usually there’s some reasonable expectation that photos will be taken, so a little extra care might be taken with the hair and makeup. But what if you planned to meet that person having only seen those photos?

“Well, they might look a little different, but it’s still definitely them,” you might say. But since you already know them, your brain is filling in all the extra details - just like you would for a picture of yourself. Which is why it’s entirely possible to have “deceptive” photos on an online profile, even ones that have been approved by family and friends, with no deception intended. And that’s not even counting those who really actively edit their photos to make themselves more attractive.

So it’s no surprise that people don’t usually look exactly like their pictures. The real issue is: why do we care?

By and large, if someone complains about a date they met through an online dating website, they’ll say something like, “My date didn’t look enough like their picture.” Meanwhile, the complainer spent an extraordinary amount of time themselves, carefully selecting only their best photos, maybe even editing out those dark circles under the eyes. They know what’s entailed in the selection process, but if it turns out their date has angles other than their best one they respond as if they’ve been duped.

Perhaps what we should really do is all but disregard the photos. We already know that no matter how attractive someone is, we can’t accurately gauge chemistry until we’re in person, whether it’s due to matching up that voice with that face or pheromones. Thus, why place more importance on the photo than as a way to identify our date when we see them?

Sure, photos have their place and their uses. Some people do have an instant reaction, whether positive or negative, upon seeing them. Sometimes the photos can tell a story, like the interests of the potential date or the personality, or even that they really are local and not some sort of spam.

But are they necessarily great at giving you the height and weight of your potential date? Or painting an accurate picture of what they look like on a Sunday morning? No really. And maybe we should accept the photos as a mere starting point - a hint at the story instead of a full synopsis. Maybe we’ll wind up a little less cynical and a little more receptive.

"Dating at midlife just ain't what it's cracked up to be."

Ronni Berke, a senior producer at CNN, isn't the first to make that complaint and she certainly won't be the last.

"Try online dating!" well-meaning friends and relatives say. "It's easy, there's no stigma anymore, and you don't have to suffer through the bar scene."

But is it really all it's cracked up to be? After all, Ronni points out, "Most Internet 'first dates' begin at bars. With strange men." And there are countless horror stories about fake profiles, scam artists, misleading photos, awkward encounters, unwanted sexual advances, and simple incompatibility.

Still, whatever the drawbacks may be, it seems everyone knows someone who met their significant other online. So what's all the fuss about?

Ronni took the plunge and tried online dating seven years after her husband died of a brain tumor two years into their marriage. She enlisted the help of her closest friends to write a stand-out profile and choose the perfect picture, and received a flood of responses right away. She also took a chance on speed dating, but found that a 5-minute conversation isn't the strong foundation for a relationship the boomer set is looking for.

After meeting so many men, online and in person, came the hard part: sorting through the suitors to find the princes amongst the frogs.

To help her separate the two, Ronni created her list of "Speed Dating Do's and Don'ts, For Men of a Certain Age:"

• DO dress presentably. That means take a shower, groom with a minimal amount of hair products, and leave the Hawaiian shirt at home.
• DO know how to talk to a woman. You want more to say that a stutter and some awkward mumbling. It's ok to have a line, but make sure it's a good one.
• DON'T leave a woman sitting alone because you're too shy to come over. The point is to meet people...why waste an opportunity?
• DON'T talk about marriage on a five-minute speed date. There's lots of time for that in the future...a first date, especially when it's only a few minutes long, isn't that time.
• DO come up with a reason for why you're in your 50s (or 60s) and haven't met the right person yet. Paint it in the most positive light possible.
• DON'T accidentally take your date's drink to the next table with you. It's just bad form, and it says you weren't paying attention to them.
• DO know your selling points. What makes you a great catch?
• DO act interested in what your date is saying. And if you aren't, be clear and polite about your feelings so you can both move on to more suitable dates.

To find out more about some great speed dating services (both online and off) you should check our Speed Dating category.