Advice

“Stan” recently decided to give online dating sites a try. A week or two after he’d created his profile, I asked him how things were going.

“Not great,” he said. “I know part of it is my own fault... because I haven’t actually contacted anyone.”

“Well, it is more difficult to meet anyone if you wait for them to come to you,” I agreed.

“It’s just that, whenever I find someone I’m interested in, the site tells me we’re not compatible due to our preferences! Like I’m 5’9”, and she’ll specify 5’10” or taller. Or I make less money than she’s looking for. Or I have a dog and she only likes cats. It seems like there’s always something.”

Stan’s problem is not uncommon. Even when someone is interested in the self-summary section of an online dating profile, they’re often discouraged by the preferences section - the cold, hard, unyielding statistics.

Little do they know, the figures often seem much more unyielding than they actually are. For many people, that section is the equivalent of dreaming up their Prince or Princess Charming. Do they absolutely expect to meet a person who meets every one of those requirements? Not necessarily. Would they turn down someone who was perfect except for the fact that he owns a dog and not a cat? They’d probably at least respond to the email, if not give a date a shot.

However, they’re not going to be matched up with Stan automatically, because the computer will rule him out. Thus, these women will probably not come across his profile on their own... unless he contacts them first.

“Tell me,” I said to Stan, “Did any of these women spell out those requirements in the actual body of their profile?”

“No,” he said, “but maybe they just wanted to avoid redundancy.”

“Possibly,” I allowed. “But if you had just based everything on the written profile, do you think you’d have a shot? You have common interests, you think you might be compatible?”

“Well, yes,” he said. “I think I’d at least have a shot.”

“Then just email them!” I said. “What’s the worst that could happen? If you’re really not what they’re looking for, they probably just won’t respond. Even if it was a worst-case scenario and they responded with something mean, well, that’s not someone you’d want to date anyway. It won’t hurt your chances overall, and it could only help them.”

As you sit down to peruse online dating profiles, ask yourself: are you holding yourself back from contacting someone you’re interested in? How much weight do you give those preferences? And what have you got to lose by dating someone outside your ideal boxes?

Once you get past your first few first-contact emails, it becomes considerably easier to send more. Similarly, after the first time you head out on a first date, the next time often isn’t as daunting. There’s always the flutter of anticipation, but cold-sweat dread? Maybe not quite as much. In general, dating becomes easier. However, for some people, it can become a bit too easy.

You see, once you become comfortable with dating, there’s a bit of a tightrope walk that must be balanced. On the one hand, we want to enjoy this stage of the relationship, take in the moment, and not be too focused on what comes next. But on the other hand, we don’t want to lose sight of the overarching goal - and for many, that is one long-term relationship, not several pleasant first dates.

At this point, you might be outright snorting at the idea. “Yes, I like first dates so much I just keep going on them. Sure.” But some people absolutely do get stuck in that groove. For some, it’s a matter of comfort; yes, first dates can be awkward, but they’re also rather predictable. There’s the typical getting-to-know-you talk, and there’s not much risk of extreme emotional or physical intimacy. There are lots of tips on creating a successful first date, and some have worked hard to develop that skill. They feel they’ve mastered this stage - and maybe, some part of them is hesitant at moving on to the unknown.

For others, they’re just not ready to move on to the next stage yet. It’s not a matter of fear, but rather of freedom; perhaps they’ve not had much chance to date in the past, and they’re enjoying the ability to meet many new people at once. Maybe, even though they think they want a long-term relationship, they’re enjoying the breather for now.

And, of course, there are still others who haven’t progressed beyond the first-date stage simply because they haven’t clicked with anyone yet. There’s a chance they might be dating the wrong sorts of people, ones who won’t click, but chemistry remains a rather mysterious quality. Finding love rests, in part, on luck - and further, on the luck of two separate people, not one! It’s possible to be doing everything “right” without landing that spark.

So if you find yourself in the first-date groove, perhaps you should ask yourself: is there a reason for it? Are you ready to move on - and do you really want to? Is it time to try something out of your personal box, or are you comfortable with the results you’ve been getting? Sometimes just asking yourself these questions can allow you to reassess, and be more adept at “keeping your head in the game.”

If you're online dating, chances are that age will factor into whether or not you'll go out on a date with a particular person. Do you draw the limit at someone who's within five years of you, or are you more open to date people much older or younger?

Age has a stigma when it comes to dating, mostly for women but also for men.

I think the question of age is complicated by marital history. If you meet a man who's forty-three and never been married, do you flinch? Do you wonder what's wrong with him, why he hasn't settled down before this? Shouldn't he at least be divorced? Before you go running for the hills, thinking he's afraid to commit, consider these scenarios:

He's been building his career. Steve Harvey's dating books focus on the male ego, specifically his drive to work hard, establish himself professionally, and then worry about finding a wife and kids. So if your guy has spent the last several years building his business, traveling to close sales, or otherwise keeping himself out of dating commission, it's likely for a good reason.

He knows what he wants. When a man is in his twenties, he's testing the waters and seeing what different women are like. As he gets older and has more experiences, his preferences develop and he's not just looking for the supermodel, but for someone with substance and maturity. (If he's still trolling for twenty-something models, then run!)

He can communicate it. There's a big difference between a twenty-something and forty-something guy in terms of his ability to talk through issues and problems. Likely he's had a few hard lessons along the way that he doesn't want to repeat, including former relationships. If he's open and willing to talk through his emotions or ask about your needs, then he's a keeper.

He's independent. If a man is in his forties and still living with his parents, then forget this next part and run for the hills! But trust me when I say, there's a big difference when you walk into the home of a man who's twenty-six and living with three roommates compared to a man who has his own place, a car, and some money saved up.

He no longer wants to play the field. When a man is younger, he often dates more than one woman at a time, or moves quickly from one relationship to the next. It's more of a game, and he's trying to conquer. (This isn't true for all men, but a lot of them don't want to settle down quickly.) If he's still playing games into his forties, then forget him, but likely he's more sincere. So give him a chance.

Break-ups can be devastating. Especially if you spent a long time together or have a shared history, friends, and social life. It requires courage to start again - to make new friends and to develop your own life as a single person.

So, it's not unusual if you find yourself wanting to go back to your ex. You're likely trying to recreate that old life that you feel nostalgic for - but is this a good idea?

You miss your old life.

While you might miss your old routines and mutual friendships, there's a reason you broke up in the first place. If you haven't thought about how you contributed to the decline of the relationship or what each of you could have done differently, you'll find yourself back in the same place again. Angry, frustrated, isolated, and wanting to call it quits. So instead of romanticizing how things used to be, do a reality check. Think about all the hard times as well as the good ones. Ask yourself why it ended, and why you want to return. If he broke things off, then ask yourself if you want to be with someone who doesn't put you first in his life. There is a reason you broke up, so don't romanticize the past.

You're good friends anyway.

Even if you and your ex stayed friends after the break-up, you do need time and distance to heal and move on. If you maintain a level of contact - calling and seeing each other - it will be harder for both of you to move on and start relationships with other people. If you're sharing intimate stories and moments with each other, how would you feel when he starts to date someone new? Boundaries should be drawn, so both of you can heal.

The emotional draw.

I have many friends who have broken up and gotten back together several times with an ex. And while it might be a highly emotional pull for some people who like the drama, often it's more tiring and confusing. But breaking off ties with a past love and moving forward also brings up a lot of fear in people - enough so that some find themselves staying even though they aren't happy. Do yourself a favor: take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship. Ask yourself: am I getting my needs met? Am I being treated how I'd like to be treated? Am I truly heard and understood? If you answered "no" to any of these questions, then you might want to examine what you really want in a relationship.

Remember, the only way to find the right person for you is to leave the wrong ones behind.

Re-entering the dating scene can be awkward and challenging. However, contrary to what many books and cultural stereotypes would have you think, it’s not because you and your potential matches are from different planets, or speaking different “languages,” or that you’re the only “normal” person in your city. Instead, it’s often simply due to a lack of practice.

Think about it: as adults, it’s easy to become fixed in our own routines. Our friends may have known us for years; we may have had the same jobs for almost as long. When’s the last time we had to forge a brand-new relationship with anyone, romantic or not?

“That’s all fine and well,” you might be thinking, “but I’ve always had trouble making conversation with someone I’m interested in. It’s like as soon as I find them attractive, I clam up.” It’s a frustrating and familiar tale - similar to “stage fright.” Basically, once you think someone is a potential match, you’re putting extra stress on yourself, causing additional problems.

What’s the best way to combat this issue? Well, one way to refer to it is “auto-pilot.” To follow along with the stage fright analogy, practice may not make absolute perfect, but the muscle memory is certainly useful when you’re mentally freaking out on stage. You shouldn’t take leave of your senses on a first date, but if you’re more skilled at making conversation, you can focus more on calming your nerves and listening to your date’s responses than searching for something to say.

But how can your practice for a first date? By making conversation with anyone and everyone! Have your friends and family do a bit of role-playing. Make conversation with the old woman at your bus stop. Let’s say in the past, you’d only approach someone you were interested in: you would have created a mental association with approaching someone attractive and the additional nerves and stress it brings. However, if you make start up conversations frequently, it’s less of a “big deal.”

And remember: you’re not the only person who might be awkward, nervous, and out-of-practice on a date. Instead of being intimidated by your date, consider that they might be just as preoccupied with their own internal quaking as you are! Plus, by focusing on their comfort, you’ll likely aid your own. Don’t lose sight of the main point of a date: you’re there to get to know one another and have a good time, not get all the right answers, impress everyone in the room, or even fall madly in love. Keeping a cooler head and a quicker tongue might just make the evening more illuminating - for both you and your date.

It’s no surprise that when we land on an online dating profile, the first thing we want to do is check out the picture. Similarly, it’s also not a surprise that when we’re constructing our own profile, the picture is something we stress over the most. The question is, should we? What does the picture really tell us?

I’ve heard people say over-the-top statements like, “If the picture doesn’t grab me, why would the person?” Setting aside the fact that some people just aren’t very photogenic, how often does one actually get “grabbed” by a picture? We might find celebrities attractive, but do we literally have feelings for them? And what of the people we’ve loved in the past - would we have fallen for them based solely on one picture?

For most, the answer is “of course not.” And luckily for us, we’re not making all our dating decisions based on one picture; an online profile is a combination of the profile (any red flags in there? Common interests? Compelling writing style?) to the cold hard facts (vegetarian? Smoker?) to a virtual album of pictures. Instead of basing our contacting decisions on one picture, we have a virtual storybook about our potential match.

And even then, it’s not enough. Chemistry can’t be assessed from an online profile alone; it has to be tested in person. And even physical chemistry can’t forecast the success of a relationship. So the real point of the online profile is not to fall in love; it’s to arrange a date so you can meet and see if you could possibly fall in love in the future.

So why are we placing so much emphasis on the default picture, again? Sure, you want to look generally attractive in your photo, but more to the point, you want to create a profile that tells a compelling story. One photo will not make or break it, and in fact a handful of photos tells a more honest, genuine tale. As you peruse the profiles of others, and settle down to compose your own, remember: it’s the story, the whole package, that should “grab” the reader - not just a pretty picture.