Quick Tongue, Cool Head

Re-entering the dating scene can be awkward and challenging. However, contrary to what many books and cultural stereotypes would have you think, it’s not because you and your potential matches are from different planets, or speaking different “languages,” or that you’re the only “normal” person in your city. Instead, it’s often simply due to a lack of practice.

Think about it: as adults, it’s easy to become fixed in our own routines. Our friends may have known us for years; we may have had the same jobs for almost as long. When’s the last time we had to forge a brand-new relationship with anyone, romantic or not?

“That’s all fine and well,” you might be thinking, “but I’ve always had trouble making conversation with someone I’m interested in. It’s like as soon as I find them attractive, I clam up.” It’s a frustrating and familiar tale - similar to “stage fright.” Basically, once you think someone is a potential match, you’re putting extra stress on yourself, causing additional problems.

What’s the best way to combat this issue? Well, one way to refer to it is “auto-pilot.” To follow along with the stage fright analogy, practice may not make absolute perfect, but the muscle memory is certainly useful when you’re mentally freaking out on stage. You shouldn’t take leave of your senses on a first date, but if you’re more skilled at making conversation, you can focus more on calming your nerves and listening to your date’s responses than searching for something to say.

But how can your practice for a first date? By making conversation with anyone and everyone! Have your friends and family do a bit of role-playing. Make conversation with the old woman at your bus stop. Let’s say in the past, you’d only approach someone you were interested in: you would have created a mental association with approaching someone attractive and the additional nerves and stress it brings. However, if you make start up conversations frequently, it’s less of a “big deal.”

And remember: you’re not the only person who might be awkward, nervous, and out-of-practice on a date. Instead of being intimidated by your date, consider that they might be just as preoccupied with their own internal quaking as you are! Plus, by focusing on their comfort, you’ll likely aid your own. Don’t lose sight of the main point of a date: you’re there to get to know one another and have a good time, not get all the right answers, impress everyone in the room, or even fall madly in love. Keeping a cooler head and a quicker tongue might just make the evening more illuminating - for both you and your date.