Advice

If you've been online dating a while, you know that it can be difficult sometimes to capture attention. There are many others out there, so you have to set yourself apart - with pictures, profile description, and with the emails you send out.

While many online daters focus primarily on pictures, there are other ways to set yourself apart from the crowd. One of the most under-rated but most effective things you can do with your profile is to get more specific about who you are.

What to do: tell a story.

Many daters tend to generalize when they're looking for how to describe themselves. But instead of saying you like skiing, it's better to describe an experience. The more specific, the better. (I'm not talking about writing a novel, though. Get to the point.)

For example, you could say that on your last ski trip you got caught in a snowstorm at the top of the mountain (and explain how you got out of it). Or you could describe your absolute favorite places to go, i.e. "March is a great time to hit St. George's in Utah because the skies are sunny and the powder still firm." You get the idea - the more you can bring your own experiences and expressions into the mix, the more interesting you'll seems to others. Also, it will be easier to strike up a conversation.

Still not sure what to write? If you are the bookish type and prefer to spend your weekends indoors reading the newspaper from cover to cover while you sip your mocha latte, then describe it. Talk about why you'd like to share this with someone.

What to avoid: your job.

While you can certainly be proud of all your career accomplishments, your dating profile isn't a resume. It's important to show that you have a life outside of work, otherwise how can a relationship even begin?

Many daters tend to mistake selling themselves and their accomplishments for connecting with or enticing a potential date. It's easy to confuse these when you're online dating, because you feel like you have to catch someone's eye, usually by trying to stand out from the other candidates. But if you want someone to reach out and ask a question or start a conversation, it's better to make it easier for them.

Recount an experience that you found funny, or describe why your recent trip to India made you sign up for a curry cooking class. Show your likes and your personality by sharing your own experiences. There are many opportunities to describe yourself without being too generic, and without dwelling on your job.

Bottom line: tell a story about you.

In a general sense, the goal for your online dating profile is for it to be eye-catching, memorable. You try to come up with clever content for the self-summary, and post interesting pictures. That’s all valuable, but the real work is making the reader visit your profile at all. To do that, you literally need to grab their attention - and the easiest way to do that is through headlines.

Headlines are one of the more underrated tools in your profile-writing arsenal. An interesting headline effectively yells “Hey, look over here, I’m awesome!” - not typically literally, but there is a certain amount of success with the blunt approach! Headlines are short, easily changed and experimented with, and best of all, you can use a headline in both your online dating profile and as the subject line in first-contact emails, so it’s a skill that’s continually valuable.

Perhaps the most generic - and boring - approach is something that wouldn’t be out of place in a classified ad from fifty years ago. This is generally useless for today’s online dating sites. See, back in the day those headlines were trying to cram in all their info by the letter, and they had to begin with the basics, like their gender. Today, however, you’ve already filtered your preferences for gender, age, interests, and so on. It’s simply not necessary to state it all in a headline or title, and it certainly doesn’t set you apart from anyone else.

Some people try to have a “theme” to their profile, and they use the headline as a “title” to their “story.” For example, someone might write about being an “explorer” in biology labs as their profession, and then have a corresponding title like, “The Magellan of Flagella.” There’s nothing wrong with that, and indeed, taking that approach can help you break out of the “Single female with cat seeking Tom” box. However, the downside is that you can get too attached to your one headline, because you feel you’re breaking your “theme.” Getting too stuck in one mindset might make it more difficult to come up with different headlines when you’re writing first-contact emails, too.

Then there’s the completely random approach. These have an advantage in that they tend to be less “cheesy,” since there’s less attempted humor, and more out-and-out strange, like “The Amazing Waterski Caper” titling a profile that has absolutely nothing to do with waterskiing. These sorts of headlines tend to be snappy and grab attention at the time. However, they might not aid your reader in remembering or finding you later if they truly are random.

Finally, there’s the “Direct Question” tactic. These work equally well in profiles and emails, and they promote conversation. It’s best if the question is a “softball,” something that’s easy to answer and easy to have an opinion about, like “Pirates or Ninjas?” If you’re having trouble writing an email, thinking of the subject line first might get the creative juices flowing. Just make sure you only have one or two additional questions in the email, or your reader might begin to feel they’re being interrogated!

None of these “Classified Alternatives” is obviously better than the others; it’s a matter of matching it up with your own personal writing style. The good news is, headlines are easily switched out, updated and edited. Why not experiment and see what works for you? After all, the more eyes read your profile, the more chances you’ll have of finding someone truly compatible.

I sit across the table from my favorite couple, Kate and Alex. They’ve known each other for over a decade, and been together nearly that long. They seem to be able to read each other’s mind, and I mention it. They glance at one another.

“I don’t think it’s that we can read each other’s minds,” Kate says. “It’s more that we almost think the same way. We had similar experiences growing up, and then since we’ve been together we’ve seen almost all the same movies and television. We’ve told each other the same stories about our childhoods. We’ve experienced life together. So sometimes we come to the same conclusions - separately, but at the same time. He’ll make a joke I was about to say.”

“So it’s pretty surprising when you consider that for the first few years we were dating, Kate felt like I was some sort of alien,” Alex says, smiling.

“Oh, it’s true!” says Katie. “We had a spark right away, and common interests, but it certainly didn’t feel like I was talking to someone who even thought in the same language I did. How he handled arguments, approached problems, even cleaned the house was completely unlike anyone I’d ever encountered. And he thought I was just as weird. Sometimes we’re still reminded that we approach situations very differently.”

“So what changed? How did you stay together?” I ask.

Alex shrugged. “Sometimes I wasn’t sure we would. Our relationship has always seemed kind of easy compared to some, but when I really think back and remember, we were constantly learning, adapting, adjusting. Communication is huge. And mutual respect - to understand that your way isn’t always the best way, that the other person might be stronger in certain areas.”

Kate nods. “So many people think that finding their ‘match’ means that they instantly become - well, like this,” she says, gesturing at herself and her partner. “But we weren’t like this at the beginning - and some days we still aren’t. We just took our relationship one day at a time like everyone else. And we’re not perfect, but now we’re pretty familiar with our strengths and weaknesses, and we’ve chosen to stick together.”

Alex nods. “Maybe that’s why some relationships seem easier over time. Not even so much understanding as familiarity,” he says. “We still don’t think the same way - but I know her well enough to know how she does think, regardless.”

While many daters are looking for long-term love, some are afraid of it. After all, love requires us to be vulnerable - to let our guards down so that we can become intimate with someone else. This takes courage.

Are you afraid of becoming too close to someone? What happens if you're rejected, or if you are more in love with her than she is with you? Or perhaps you fear losing your independence. Being in a relationship means that you share important decisions, schedules, and even finances. It is no longer just you in the equation. Being single is liberating and fun, so why would you want to end it?

While I don't deny that some prefer living a single lifestyle, many people who are commitment-averse can't get past their fears. They want to be in a relationship but the prospect that things could go wrong, that it could end, is too big a risk.

So how do you move past these fears so that you can find love? It isn't an easy thing. Most of us share similar fears - we don't want to be rejected or hurt. But keeping yourself protected means that you won't get past these fears. Just like with any career or life goal, you have to decide to take some risks to get what you want.

But feelings of insecurity and doubt can run deep, especially if your past hasn't exactly gone smoothly. If you've been through a terrible divorce, or come from a broken family, or your last few relationships have ended badly, it's easy to be doubtful that things will be different in your next relationship. But you can't only focus on the past and make all of your decisions based on history. Neither can you make good decisions worrying about what will happen in the future.

Taking risks means taking small steps forward towards your goals in the present, without worrying about the future or dwelling on past mistakes or experiences. If you want your current situation to change, you can't wait for a sign or for future circumstances to be perfect. You have to take those small steps, each day at a time, right now, even if you're still scared.

This means asking a woman out, not just to have sex, but with the intention of seeing where it goes - of going out again. It means going for men who are kind and giving and strong, rather than those who are looking for help or keeping you at a distance. It means focusing on the prospect of being happy with someone in a relationship, instead of thinking about all the potential problems that might come along.

Commitment isn't the end of freedom and happiness - it can lead to deeper levels of both.

Imagine this: you’re walking down the street and you see someone you find attractive. You’re both at the venue for your favorite hobby - a concert hall, a museum, a motorcycle shop - so you know you might have common interests. And the object of your interest appears to be single. You approach them, and blurt out, “You’re so beautiful. I mean, hey, nice muscles! I mean, has anyone ever told you you’re really hot? Because you totally are.”

If you think this might sound a little strange, and possibly not the most effective way to get a relationship going, you’re not alone. However, when it comes to online dating and first-contact emails, many people - of both genders - feel this is an entirely appropriate and smooth way to kick off a conversation.

Some people think that there are different rules of etiquette and interaction on online dating sites than there are in person, but that’s really not the case! If you wouldn’t say something in person, chances are it’s not going to work on the page either. There’s no trick to a first-contact email; you’re just saying hello, maybe making a comment on something interesting about the profile (preferably not related to the hotness quotient of the recipient) and asking a question to get the conversation going.

When writing an email or even a profile, try reading it aloud. Are you having to stop for a sip of water before you’re through? It’s probably too long. Are you unable to read it without blushing at the steamy language? Perhaps it’s inappropriate for the pre-relationship stage. Reading your writing aloud can also help you catch typos and awkward phrasing that might otherwise slip by unnoticed.

Just remember, an online conversation is virtually the same as one you’d have in real life. You don’t need to think too much about it, and you don’t need to turn into some Casanova or coquette - that will probably be more off-putting than anything. The phrase “be yourself” might be overused in dating, but when writing something online, being natural is your best bet.

“Stan” recently decided to give online dating sites a try. A week or two after he’d created his profile, I asked him how things were going.

“Not great,” he said. “I know part of it is my own fault... because I haven’t actually contacted anyone.”

“Well, it is more difficult to meet anyone if you wait for them to come to you,” I agreed.

“It’s just that, whenever I find someone I’m interested in, the site tells me we’re not compatible due to our preferences! Like I’m 5’9”, and she’ll specify 5’10” or taller. Or I make less money than she’s looking for. Or I have a dog and she only likes cats. It seems like there’s always something.”

Stan’s problem is not uncommon. Even when someone is interested in the self-summary section of an online dating profile, they’re often discouraged by the preferences section - the cold, hard, unyielding statistics.

Little do they know, the figures often seem much more unyielding than they actually are. For many people, that section is the equivalent of dreaming up their Prince or Princess Charming. Do they absolutely expect to meet a person who meets every one of those requirements? Not necessarily. Would they turn down someone who was perfect except for the fact that he owns a dog and not a cat? They’d probably at least respond to the email, if not give a date a shot.

However, they’re not going to be matched up with Stan automatically, because the computer will rule him out. Thus, these women will probably not come across his profile on their own... unless he contacts them first.

“Tell me,” I said to Stan, “Did any of these women spell out those requirements in the actual body of their profile?”

“No,” he said, “but maybe they just wanted to avoid redundancy.”

“Possibly,” I allowed. “But if you had just based everything on the written profile, do you think you’d have a shot? You have common interests, you think you might be compatible?”

“Well, yes,” he said. “I think I’d at least have a shot.”

“Then just email them!” I said. “What’s the worst that could happen? If you’re really not what they’re looking for, they probably just won’t respond. Even if it was a worst-case scenario and they responded with something mean, well, that’s not someone you’d want to date anyway. It won’t hurt your chances overall, and it could only help them.”

As you sit down to peruse online dating profiles, ask yourself: are you holding yourself back from contacting someone you’re interested in? How much weight do you give those preferences? And what have you got to lose by dating someone outside your ideal boxes?