Advice

“I’m having issues deciding which picture to use for my profile,” Amy said. She showed me a few options. Instead of the usual smiling face I’d seen on her social media pages, each of these options had the same pouty “duck face.”

“You’re making the same exact face in each one,” I observed.

“I know,” she sighed. “I just don’t know how to be... alluring. That’s the best I could come up with.”

“Hmm,” I said. “I know it’s counterintuitive, but I’m not sure alluring is what you should be going for here.”

Many people have the same instinct as Amy; they think that since they’re looking for someone with whom to have a physical relationship, they should emphasize that aspect of themselves. However, taking that path means you run the risk of miscommunication.

Think about it this way: almost everyone on an online dating website is there for a relationship that includes all the physical aspects. It pretty much goes without saying. However, many people are not on a dating site for the sole purpose of a physical relationship; they want to connect on an emotional and intellectual level, too. Physical compatibility - chemistry - is really only best determined in person anyway, so why waste the valuable space trying to make a facsimile? Instead, focusing on other aspects of your personality let the reader grow intrigued by your personality in addition to your appearance.

Just like everything else, what is “alluring” is quite subjective and subject to context. Amy’s pouty face might be attractive when she’s with someone with whom she shares chemistry, but it might look silly in the cold light of day. When men miss the “smoldering” mark it can look more like “scary.” A smile, on the other hand, is a more universal language, no matter what context.

Additionally, focusing too much on the physical might send the message that that’s all you’re looking for. If Amy had posted only her “duck-face” photos and concentrated on being “alluring,” chances are she would have received a bunch of messages from those looking for fast hookups. While that’s not a terrible thing, it’s not what Amy’s looking for - and now she might have a more difficult time attracting the attention of those who are looking for something long-term and deeper.

Instead of going for a physical response, try thinking about making the reader smile. Whether it’s a goofy photo, a silly anecdote, or a passionate paragraph about something you love, a smiling reader is already thinking more warmly about you. And that, in turn, gives you a boost when it comes to decisions like responding to emails or making a first date.

If Amy had published her “duck-face” photos, she would have been obscuring the real Amy, the one that would greet her date at her first meeting and most days thereafter. Don’t get so caught up in trying to appear attractive in one context that you actually mask the more attractive you.

Online dating has many benefits: the ability to fit your schedule, the ability to peruse profiles without having to outright reject every one you look at, the ability to meet people outside your personal sphere, and more. However, there’s one fact that’s easy to forget: the internet is only the primary mode of communication when you’re first finding each other and setting up a date. Should you actually enter a relationship, the internet will probably not be the primary mode of communication anymore.

There are a few potential ramifications from this statement. For example, some people might be relieved; they’re more comfortable communicating in person, and having to type (or maybe talk on the phone) makes them cringe. Others place all their emphasis on having a great profile, but never consider what they’ll do once they’re on their first date. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses; however, if your strength is expressing yourself through writing, you’ll still have to eventually learn people skills as well. But don’t lose heart! For many, interacting online first eases their nerves when they finally do meet.

It’s easy to think all about yourself and your own strengths and weaknesses, but what about those of the people you’re gearing up to meet? They’ll have their own. I once heard a man say, “I go through checkpoints with dates. If we hit it off through text message, and then a phone conversation, I’ll meet her in person. If not, I won’t waste my time.” The problem with his “checkpoint” plan is that not everyone is adept at every form of communication. Why end things before the in-person date, when the object is to find someone with whom you get along in person?

As you peruse online dating sites, think about strengths and weaknesses in communication - yours and those of others. If you’re particularly weak at, say, talking on the phone, be open and honest about it. If you’re a bit shy in person and need a bit of laughter to come out of your shell, don’t be afraid to come prepared with something funny to discuss - or ask your date to come armed with jokes! And don’t forget to extend the same courtesy to your potential dates; you’re not the only one fretting about making the best first impression! As with most things, mutual consideration and honest communication can potentially overcome your weaknesses - and get a relationship started on the right foot.

Do you find yourself going out to bars and parties but not getting asked out? Do you sit and wait for men to approach, or do you think because you're no longer 22 or 110 pounds that most men won't find you attractive anyway?

It's time to take control by making yourself more approachable. I don't mean changing your physical appearance - I mean changing your method. It's not as daunting as you think, but it does take some conscious effort and practice if you're going to break your old habits to make way for a new gameplan.

First, attraction between two people starts with something intangible - energy. Sure, if you are a supermodel you might not have much of a problem, but if you're like the majority of women, then you have to put forth some energy to attract people to you. Here's what I mean:

Make eye contact. If you want to be asked out, it's no time to be shy. Instead of averting your eyes when you see a man looking at you, catch his eye and smile. Eye contact is essential - it's the only way a guy knows if you want him to approach. Also, don't look at him blankly - smile so he gets the hint.

Position yourself well. Don't sit in the middle of a cluster of women. Most guys are terrified to approach a group of friends just to talk to one person, so try going out with just one friend or on your own so you are easier to approach. If you are in a group, sit at the end of the table so it's easier for men to approach you.

Don't be shy. This is the time to practice your flirting skills. Don't be embarrassed or think that you're not good at it. There are plenty of ways to let him know you're interested without asking him for his number. Smile and engage with him. Lightly touch his arm. Make a joke or laugh at his. If you're not comfortable, practice, practice, practice.

Be confident. Nothing attracts men and women to each other more than confidence. We like to think a potential partner is strong enough to be comfortable in his own skin, so own what makes you unique! And if you're still feeling terrified at the thought of really putting yourself out there, fake it. The only way to meet people is to do exactly that---meet people.

Keep an open mind. While you might be looking for the perfect guy, there's no reason to avoid the ones who aren't your physical ideal. It's good to date a variety of people, because you never know who might be the best one for you. (Often it isn't the person we idealize in our heads.) Talk to more people, even the ones you don't find so attractive. They will be practice for those times when you see someone who makes your heart flutter.

Online dating can bring out the best in us. No, really: we start to think about what we really want, which then causes us to think seriously about our priorities. We might start to work on our self-esteem. We might gain people skills. All of these things are great; none of them are dependent on finding love, but sometimes we need just such a motivator to get us started down a great path.

However, online dating can absolutely bring out the worst in us, too. Because rejection is so commonplace (really, everyone will get rejected in some fashion at some point), it tends to stir up all those feelings of insecurity that we’ve worked on stifling for most of our adult lives. Being rejected can make you feel like a hurt twelve-year-old. Unfortunately, at this point some react like a hurt twelve-year-old. Add in the relative anonymity of the internet, and you’ve got a formula for saying things you really shouldn’t.

Here’s a quick quiz. You’ve sent a first-contact email and been given a rather brusque, if not downright rude, brush-off. How do you respond?
A)You say something polite and move on. You console yourself with the thought that you’re the classy one.
B)You don’t respond at all. Whether or not they meant to be harsh, they’re probably not interested and you’re not interested in someone who’s meaner than they intend, anyway.
C)You’re feeling hurt and you want them to feel hurt in return. You send an email back picking apart their response, with a few snide comments or insults thrown in. At least you’re not the only one feeling bad now.

One of these responses would be most at home on the playground. It’s immature at best, and such juvenile behavior would likely not be tolerated elsewhere in the adult world, like the workplace. But thanks to the combination of anonymity and raw feelings, such emails can be tempting.

As with almost anything online, when sending an email to a potential match, it’s good to ask yourself: would I say this very thing in public, or is it too risque, vulgar, or hurtful? Will I feel good about myself if I send this? Remember, it is possible for online dating to being out the best in us; but first we have to overcome the temptation to slip into the worst.

When you've gone through a devastating break-up, it's often hard to transition back to dating. After all, it's a world of unknowns, filled with future boyfriends/girlfriends who could hurt you all over again. It's not exactly thrilling to think about.

While everyone needs time to heal after the end of a relationship, it's also important to try to meet people again. You don't want too much time to go by, because you'll be more afraid to take that first step. And really, dating is all about taking small steps.

So what do you do if you're not feeling confident about your dating skills, or you think you're not lovable because your ex left? While these are normal feelings, they are also not true. Everyone is capable of flirting, dating, and falling in love. And everyone is capable of feeling sexy again.

Here's how to begin:

Go out. If you need your friends to support you, then ask. But it's important to step up your social life and go out again, even if it takes you a while to approach new people. Check out the nightlife in your city, a new restaurant, an art gallery opening, or anything that sounds fun and intriguing. Staying on your couch in a pair of pajamas isn't going to change anything.

Accept invitations. Do you have a friend who throws regular parties? Have you made excuses to not attend? Time to change that. In fact, it's a good idea to ask your friend to introduce you to some new people. This way, it's a little easier to begin a conversation rather than with a total stranger.

Relax. Instead of worrying about how uncomfortable you feel or who you'll meet, take things one step at a time. You are taking charge of your life. Flirt a little, even if it's just for practice. If you get asked out, accept. Remember, this isn't a commitment, it's just a date.

Join an online dating site. Maybe you've been afraid of the idea of online dating, but it's a very popular, mainstream activity. There are plenty of people to meet, so don't get hung up on the particulars of who your matches are. Try to enjoy scrolling through profiles or responding to emails. Enlist a friend to do it together and compare notes on your dates. It's a good way to practice dating again, with no pressure from friends and family trying to set you up.

Have fun. Do the activities that you enjoy to lift your spirits. Your energy attracts people to you, so if you still feel shut down it will be a lot harder for potential dates to read whether or not you're interested. If you know that bicycling, cooking, or swimming makes you happy, plan to do it regularly. Nourish yourself first, and you will find your mojo coming back - and you'll be flirting and dating in no time.

Even in this day and age, online dating is still often treated as a mysterious entity, an “other,” as though you and your potential matches are climbing into robot suits to assess compatibility. Even worse, the news is full of stories about the dangers of online dating. The stress of dating combined with shady figures in back alleys and robots in a laboratory? No wonder some feel confused or intimidated.

In reality, the “dangers” of online dating are all dangers we’ve faced before, and regularly. For example, we’ve been meeting strangers and forming relationships our entire lives. Have we ever met someone who was potentially creepy? Probably, and we probably depended on our observation, logic and gut instinct and avoided that person thereafter.

Then there’s the technological component, the threat of being “scammed” by a potential match. Well, have we ever received a spam email with a sob story? Almost certainly. And there are certain clues that let us know it’s a scam - the details that don’t quite work, the “one size fits all” nature of how they claim they came across our email. Certainly some small percentage of people probably fall for it, but the vast majority don’t.

So why is online dating any different than our everyday experiences? Well, the one mitigating factor is the issue of love, trust and infatuation. It’s certainly possible that one might want to find love so badly they turn on their “blinders.” Again, that possibility exists all the time, not just when one fires up the computer - but still, these three factors combined tend to be what stirs unease about online dating.

So if you or a loved one is worried about online dating, what precautions can you take? First, be clear about the purpose of an online dating site: you’re using it as a way to meet people, not to literally fall in love without ever laying eyes on each other.

Before you’ve met, exercise the same caution you would in any online interaction: don’t give out too much personal information, and certainly don’t give out financial information. Be wary of sob stories where money is involved, and don’t get involved in a “relationship” when it’s clear one person is stalling and doesn’t want to actually meet.

When you do meet in person, exercise the same caution you would with any stranger or blind date: tell someone in advance where you’re going to meet, and meet in a public place. Don’t rely on your date for transportation. If you’re extra nervous, have someone look out for you, like a friend posted anonymously elsewhere in the venue.

But remember: you’ve relied on the combination of your instincts and your brain for your entire life, and navigated countless situations and strangers, with and without the complication of hope and hormones. Why should using an online dating site to meet someone be any more complicated?