Advice

First dates: they can be the best of times, and they can be the worst of times. The excitement of what could happen is balanced with the dread about what could happen. The minutes can fly by, or they can drag. If only there were some way to raise the chances that, regardless of actual chemistry, the time spent together would be pleasant. But such a tip doesn’t exist - or does it?

When it comes to first dates, the one thing people tend to dread, to get anxious about, is the small talk. No one wants to come off as boring, or babbling. Some get stage fright; their palms sweat. Others fear the Awkward Silence, and when it inevitably occurs, they spiral further into their personal small-talk underworld. So how can we make this better?

It’s the simplest suggestion, but the most effective: ask questions, and listen to the answers.

No one ever said that “getting to know you” meant that you have to give a presentation about yourself, and it doesn’t mean that you have to chat about the weather for an hour, either. You get to know one another best by having actual, genuine conversations. So ask a question, actually listen to the response, and ask the next natural question (or make a comment!) pertaining to what was said. Yes, it seems like Conversation 101, and maybe it is a little remedial - but when you’re under stress you can sometimes forget your own phone number.

In fact, precisely because of this stress, there’s nothing wrong with doing a little homework, or even coming up with a cheat sheet. Study up on your common interests, and make a list of the points you want to talk about. Check out the news that day and come up with some stories to chat about that aren’t depressing or inflammatory. It’s perfectly fine if you never wind up using any of that stuff - follow a conversation naturally, don’t force it - but you’ll feel more comfortable having a few backups on-hand.

In fact, much of this has to do with comfort. When you’re focusing on the answers of someone else, you’re not as worried about yourself, and you’re able to calm down. All that anxiety and worry can make you appear distant, distracted or uninterested; when you’re calmer, you’re a better listener and more receptive. In turn, your date relaxes more as well, and you can focus on actually getting to know one another. The conversation drifts away from the awkward surface subjects and becomes deeper and more interesting.

Sure, every first date begins a little awkwardly, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. And how do we start down the more interesting path? By asking questions, and listening to the answers. Simple, yes, but effective.

The 21st century is all about simplicity. The easier and more automated we can make an experience, the more we seem to love it. And the shorter, the better. Does anyone even blog anymore? Now it's all about 140 character Tweets, Tumblr-style microblogging, and 6 second Vine videos.

It was only a matter of time before our short attention spans took their toll on online dating. More and more singles are turning to mobile dating instead, which offers an even more simplified experience than online dating sites. New dating apps are launching all the time, causing some to worry: Is online dating becoming too easy?

First there was Grindr, the uber-popular dating app for gay men that currently claims over six million users worldwide. The premise behind Grindr isn't complicated: Why spend waste time at bars or filling out dating profiles when you can quickly and conveniently browse the pictures of singles nearby?

Then came Blendr, a similar app that attempted to recreate the Grindr experience (but with more of a focus on friendship and shared interests) for hetero couples. Blendr merged with Badoo, but still failed to achieve the success of its predecessor. Grindr works - Blendr doesn't quite.

In the wake of Blendr came Tinder, one of the newest additions to the mobile market. Tinder picked up where previous mobile apps left off, requiring members to sign in using their Facebook accounts to reduce instances of fake profiles and catfishing. Tinder users are then sent profile pics to respond to (swipe left if you're interested, swipe right if you're not), and are only allowed to contact each other if both members mutually indicate interest.

Those three apps are far from alone in the mobile dating world. There is the scandalous and infamous Bang With Friends. There's TrintMe, which claims to reveal your friends true intentions. There's also WouldLove2 and EmbarrassNot, the latter of which breaks all your acquaintances down into one of four basic categories:

• I'd like to go on a date with this person
• I'd like an Advanced relationship with this person
• I'd like to start a family with this person
• I'd like to break up with this person

Sure, it's all convenient. But is it too convenient? Transparency online doesn't seem to correlate to equal transparency and courage in in-person interactions. Through the filter of technology, we often present ourselves in ways we wouldn't offline. We feel safe - safe from rejection, safe to say cruel things we wouldn't otherwise, safe to act in ways we wouldn't dare act in person.

Studies have shown that people value things less when they're too easy. Other studies have shown that being presented with too many choices overwhelms us, making us choose nothing at all. If mobile dating gives us too many options too easily, we may be just as single after the app as we were before it.

There’s no doubt that first dates are awkward. Think about it: you’re essentially interviewing a potential best friend... while you’re meeting for the very first time. You’re making small talk, but somewhere your brain is assessing your physical compatibility. Ultimately, this could be someone with whom you’re truly “yourself”... but not today. Today is all about first impressions and trying to impress. There’s nothing really “wrong” with dating - after all, if your date isn’t worth a little extra effort, who is? - but it is the way it is: awkward.

So we can’t change the nature of dating, but we can bring a little self-awareness to it that will hopefully make us feel more relaxed. For example: we know that it’s a universal truth that people on a date tend to feel awkward and nervous. However, we always seem to forget that when it comes to our very own dates. You think they’re not wondering if their stomach is growling so loudly it’s audible? You think they’re not worried about whether that gust of wind left them looking like they’ve been in a tornado? Why do you think of your date as a superhuman while you’re only a mere mortal?

In reality, they’re likely feeling nervous and awkward too. So instead of ignoring it, embrace it - make a joke or two about it to relax you both. Understand that dating might be kind of weird, but it can be a fun and exhilarating time, too. Whether or not you meet your true love on this given date, you’re living life, having an adventure and potentially taking the first steps toward even bigger adventures.

The key, though, is to take it all with good humor. For some, it can be difficult to talk about dating with self-awareness without sounding cynical or jaded. If you’re worried that you might fall into this category, remember that it can’t hurt to be extra-clear and positive on a first date with someone who doesn’t know you well. Saying things like, “That’s awesome” or “I really love that” might not be in your standard repertoire, but your sarcasm can take a backseat in the interest of reassuring your date that you’re actually happy to be there.

You might not be able to escape the awkwardness of a first date, but you don’t have to pretend it doesn’t exist, either. Addressing the silliness of the situation - even reveling in it - can relax your date and you as well. It can even establish a bit of a camaraderie: the two of you against the strangeness of a first date. And who doesn’t want an excuse to team up and get closer?

I was not an early adopter when it comes to online dating. I was one of the skeptics, guilty of thinking there was nothing online dating could do for me that I couldn't do for myself. "I like meeting people," I thought, "so why not just meet them in person? What is so special about online dating?"

Then I finally took the plunge. Everyone else was doing it, so why not me? I joined OkCupid and, instantly, I was hooked. Everything I'd read and heard about online dating suddenly made sense. I could almost hear an actual "click" as the pieces fell into place.

Seeing all the tips and tricks I'd been told over the years in action felt like finally becoming fluent in a foreign language. Suddenly there was a whole new world for me to explore, and I understood it! Every lesson I'd learned was helpful, but a few stood out right away:

1. Spelling and grammar definitely do matter. Seeing a profile riddled with errors is an instant turn-off. The same goes for messages. Run a spellcheck program if you don't like reading over your writing yourself. Oh, and save the netspeak for your text messages. Pretty please. Kthnxbai.
2. Yes, the picture is important. I rarely looked twice at profiles that didn't include at least one picture. In fact, even a single picture seemed odd - why not two or three? What is there to hide? And won't I find out anyway, when we eventually meet in person?
3. One-word messages just don't cut it. Two-word messages don't work either. Has anyone ever gone on a date that began solely with a "Hi" or "Ur hot?" I doubt it. No one wants to read a novel-sized message, but it needs to be long enough to establish that you have actually read the profile.
4. Don't be a downer. I can't tell you how many messages and profiles begin with "I'm really bad at writing these things" or "I'm here because I'm lonely." Those things may be true, but they aren't going to get your profile noticed. Focus on the good. Sell yourself the way a marketer would sell a product.
5. It pays to be honest. Sure, you could lie to try to make yourself appealing to as many people as possible, but what's the point? The more you let your personality shine, the more you'll attract people you're actually compatible with. Don't be afraid to scare somebody off.

What other lessons does online dating have in store for me? I can't wait to find out...

We all have issues we’re self-conscious about - something about our lives, physical or not, that we wish were different. The specific problems are as varied as the people. When it comes to writing online profiles, however, many people have a common complaint: they wish they were more exciting. Or, barring that, just less boring.

“I can’t list my typical weekend plans,” moans one man. “I like hitting up estate sales, especially for vintage mid-century casserole dishes. How much more bland can you get? Why couldn’t I have been interested in skydiving?”

“I sound like the stereotypical librarian,” says a woman. “My social life is comprised of my book club and my knitting club. I have two cats. How am I supposed to find someone with common interests? I look like I have the interests of a little old lady!”

It’s at this point that many are tempted to lie, and they do. Inevitably, though, these “white lies” lead to trouble, or simply to nothing at all. Not only will that man’s date be less than impressed when she finds out he isn’t really a skydiver, chances are they won’t have anything else in common. And if the “librarian” made up an exciting social life and meets someone who loves to hit the clubs, she’ll likely learn that she doesn’t even like the life of a party girl. Lies may have landed a first date, but not much else - except added anxiety and nerves, of course.

At the same time, you don’t want your profile to be passed over. So what to do? Well, the first thing to remember is that you have to embrace who you are. So maybe you’re a homebody, or the nerd version of the archaeological adventurer. Don’t apologize for who you are and what you love; instead, share what you like about those interests and why you think they’re fun. Whatever the specifics are, readers might be drawn in by the passion and confidence that shines through.

Explaining why you like what you do also helps if your interests are niche ones. Perhaps the knitter might find something in common with someone else who enjoys hobbies that are relaxing and creative. Also, if you can explain your hobbies to someone else, you’re more aware of what exactly it is that you like about them - and thus, you can look for those personality traits and interests in the profiles you peruse yourself. Remember: your potential dates shouldn’t be expected to look past the details and see the person within if you aren’t doing the same thing.

Finally, remember that everyone is quite a bit more than the sum of the details about their lives. Don’t be afraid to think outside the box, in your own profile and while reading others’ as well. With enough thought, creativity and maybe input from friends or family, the real you will shine through - without having to resort to white lies.

Let’s say you’ve created a new profile on an online dating site. You’ve emailed a few people you’re interested in, and one has emailed you back; the interest seems mutual. What now? Much like Goldilocks and the many chairs she tried, there are three basic scenarios that tend to play out; you’re aiming for that one that’s “just right.”

The first scenario that could happen can be called “the deer in headlights.” In this situation, you freeze; you don’t want to move too quickly, so you just keep emailing without bringing up the next step, which is typically meeting in person. Your potential date, whether because they’re similarly paralyzed or just confused, responds in kind. Now weeks have gone by, and if this game of emailing chicken isn’t broken soon, one of you will want to move on.

On the other end of the spectrum we have “the marriage proposal.” It might not include an actual proposal via email, but this is the person who is so thrilled that things are going well that they start making Big Plans. For most people, it’s hard to really visualize such plans before at least meeting in person and assessing chemistry; thus, even if you’ve both said you love road trips, making plans for one next summer might be a little premature.

If you find yourself headed in this direction - making long or intense plans before you’ve met - just remember: your date still isn’t entirely sure you even are who you claim to be. Test your compatibility out in person, then move forward together.

The “just right” course of action might considered cliche or generic by some, but perhaps it’s become a cliche for a reason. In this scenario, you chat a bit via email, then progress to a low-pressure meeting in person - like coffee - and if things go well, spend increasing amounts of time together. Your goal is to find love, but you still have to get to know one another; boldly moving forward, while still savoring each step, is the general game plan.

But if it’s so easy, why is there still so much confusion? Well, because everyone’s different, and that “sweet spot” might not look exactly the same for every couple. Maybe some people are more timid and require more emails before they meet; those same people might be the type to throw themselves into a whirlwind romance one they finally meet in person. Every couple is comprised of two unique individuals with their own needs and fears, so there’s no hard-and-fast formula.

That being said, if you’ve been emailing for a month, hitting it off, and haven’t met yet with no explanation why, it might be time to have an honest conversation. And if you feel like things are moving quickly and you’re not quite comfortable, it’s again time to speak honestly and openly. Nothing has to fit a set formula, but with honest communication, you can navigate these confusing waters and lay a good foundation for a relationship at the same time. Who says “just right for you” is impossible to find?