Advice

In online dating, rejection is brought up frequently. After all, online dating sites are full of potential matches, but not all of them result in a date; rejection is an inevitability, right?

Well, perhaps - if you choose to see what’s happening as rejection. In truth, rejection in online dating is often as mild as it can possibly be; in those cases, you might be better off asking yourself if you choose to think of it as rejection at all.

A commonly-heard tale in online dating is: “I saw the profile of someone who seemed nice and like there might be potential. There wasn’t anything about the profile that threw me off, or the emails. In person, my date was completely pleasant, but there wasn’t really anything there, not even a hint of a spark. I really wish this person all the best, though, they were quite nice.”

In an ideal world, the lack of a spark would be felt by both parties and they would move on, amicably. However, more often, one person has to be the first one to say “I don’t think this is going anywhere.” And the other person - even if they agree! - feels rejected.

But should they? Imagine you’re trying on shoes at the store. If one doesn’t fit, should the shoe be insulted? Absolutely not - and someone with a foot that’s not too big will come along in time. The vast majority of “rejections” in online dating are of the “shoe-doesn’t-fit” variety; just because two specific people aren’t right for each other doesn’t mean either is unfit for anyone else.

Further, by viewing yourself as “rejected,” you’re actually doing a disservice to yourself. By waiting for the “go-ahead” from your date, you’re not taking the responsibility to assess the time you had together and view it objectively. It’s easy to say “Oh, I’m always saying yes, but everyone else is saying no.” It’s more difficult to say “I don’t think I’m seeking out the right kind of people” or “This person is nice and I want to say I’m in a relationship, but if I’m being honest I’d just be biding my time until I met someone I clicked with more.”

So as you peruse profiles, send off emails and go on dates, try to view the results with a more critical eye. Instead of waiting for acceptance or rejection, understand that you’re just waiting to see if the shoe fits. Furthermore, remember you’re looking for the best match for you; it’s not a crime to recognize that the fit is off for you too.

Most of us are addicted to our phones. We check emails, Facebook, Twitter, and texts, even when we're in the middle of doing something else, something that requires our attention. We love being so easily accessible, and let's face it - smartphones have helped us in so many ways, thanks to their GPS capabilities and apps that can do anything from booking a taxi to informing you when and where your next meeting will be.

But technology can have a down side, too. It can be very distracting to have your phone beside you, always ready to be interrupted. When you are with your friends, you likely spend as much time on your phone as you do actually talking to them.

So what does this mean for your relationships?

While your online social life might be thriving, you could be hurting your real social life. When your phone is a constant presence, and you'll drop everything to look at it when you hear a text message come through, you're not giving full attention to the people you're with.

This is especially true when you're dating. How many times have you been on a date and placed your phone on the table, just in case you get an important call or text? Or maybe you have it with you because it gives you a sense of security - a way out of the date when you need it. But this practice can work against you.

According to a recent study by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, just the presence of your mobile phone can stifle a budding relationship. According to researchers, while the presence of cell phones doesn't affect casual conversation much, they do affect how people perceive their dates. If it looks like you could take a call from someone else at any minute, your date is less likely to trust or empathize with you.

The key to connection in dating is for each person to feel important, respected, and heard. This really isn't possible when there's distraction looming throughout the date. Even if your cellphone never rings, its mere presence can make your date feel less comfortable and less likely to share intimate or meaningful conversation.

If you do need to keep your phone by your side, whether it's because of a potential work or family emergency, then perhaps you can reschedule the date. If you don't reschedule, then I suggest keeping your phone in your pocket or purse and then excusing yourself every so often to check it (please do this outside or away from your date).

Your phone is a great resource, but don't let it replace real-life interactions.

If you're in your early twenties, chances are you've never been asked out on a real date. If you're wondering what I mean by that, you're probably already well into your thirties.

Many twenty-somethings (and probably a few thirty-somethings) are less inclined to form long-term romantic relationships, and therefore don't pursue dating in a get-to-know-you-over-dinner sense. They are skipping all the small talk over coffee and instead hooking up, preferring no emotional attachment in their busy and fast-paced lives.

But is this practice actually hurting them emotionally and socially?

Dating is hard. I get that. Whether you're sifting through online dating profiles, getting the courage up to approach that guy in front of you in the line at Starbucks, or figuring out whether to text someone an hour or a day after he texts you can all be a bit much. Maybe you think to yourself, why bother at all with pursuing a relationship? I'm perfectly happy getting what I need physically without all the emotional drama.

There's nothing wrong with playing the field, especially when you're young. But while I'd like to say that this practice helps you have healthier, more mature relationships in the future, I'm afraid it just makes it harder. Think about it - if you lack the skills or courage to be honest with someone face to face - to ask her out, or to tell him how you really feel, or fall in love and then get over a break-up, then you will have a hard time connecting with others on an emotional level. And what does this mean for your romantic relationships?

Fear is something that we all need to conquer in our love lives. Wouldn't it be nice if every relationship came with a guarantee - that it would last or that you wouldn't be hurt by it? Sadly, this is not reality. But by conquering those fears - of abandonment, or of being hurt, it's easier to find and accept love in your life, instead of continually pushing it to the sidelines.

While I realize love and relationships aren't always on the agenda while you're in your twenties, it's an excellent time to learn about connecting with others romantically. I'm not talking about commitment, but about learning how to take care of your own emotions. It's about preparing yourself for when you do want a relationship, so you're not starting from the beginning.

So, first things first. Ask someone out on a date. It doesn't have to be involved like a dinner, but a simple coffee or drinks date, where you're sitting in front of each other having a conversation, with no expectations. If you have a good time, make plans to do it again (without the hookup). This doesn't mean you're looking for a relationship with the person. It's about having the courage to try and connect with someone. It's about learning how to date, how to get to know someone, not about hooking up.

You've taken that first monumental step after an emotional break-up and joined an online dating site. If you've already met someone with relationship potential, don't panic. It's one thing to start dating again after a break-up, but quite another to find someone special. It's hard to think of entering into a new relationship when you could be hurt again.

If your last love cheated, then it's a lot harder to take that next step. You might prefer keeping your guy at a distance so you don't have to think about his fidelity (or even yours for that matter). But what if by doing this you're robbing yourself of a chance for real love?

Instead of shying away from anyone with relationship potential, try addressing your fears first. Chances are, you've learned a thing or two, and know what it takes to make a relationship work. Following are a few tips to help you get beyond the hurts of your past relationship and move forward into a positive new love life:

Communicate. Everyone has a different communication style. Some people are more open to talk about their feelings than others. However, it's important to set a precedent at the beginning to really listen to each other so both of you feel heard. It's also important to let your new love know that your ex cheated, so you aren't hiding any fears of the same thing happening again. Be willing to talk and share, and let your date know that you hear his concerns, too.

Notice whether his actions match his words. If he says he is faithful and follows it up with appropriate behavior - i.e. he doesn't party and stay out with his friends on the weekends, he calls you just to say hi, he doesn't act cold or distant with you, and he doesn't blame you for his unhappiness - then it's important to take a leap of faith here and start building your trust in him. One step at a time.

Be open with each other. If you hide what you're feeling, you're giving your boyfriend the green light to hide things, too. It's good to talk about the hard things and ask the tough questions instead of trying to placate each other to avoid fights.

Change your pattern. If you immediately jump to the conclusion that he's looking at or thinking of someone else, then you're going to look for evidence of it. This is more damaging than if the cheating were really happening, because how many of us can live freely and happily if we're constantly defending ourselves? Instead, take a step back and assess the situation for what it is, not for what you fear it will become. Learn to trust.

Take a leap of faith. Sometimes, that's all that is required to move on. We have to trust that most people will not deceive or intentionally hurt us. We have to move past our fears to get what we want.

“I’m a hopeless romantic,” a friend once proclaimed. She flopped down on the couch and threw one hand up to emphasize. “I’m waiting for those fireworks, that feeling that tells me, ‘this is where the story begins.’”

If you’re thinking that she was setting herself up for disappointment, you’re right. And she’s not the only one.

So many of us fall into the “fairy-tale romance” trap. In a book or movie, the romance is likely telegraphed every step of the way. There’s foreshadowing and clever camera angles that put the focus where it should be. There’s music.

In real life, there’s no director that gives us our marks and tells us where to stand. You might be able to look back and realize the significance of a chance meeting, but you might not. Some people fall in love after knowing each other for months or years. So when is the ‘beginning’ - the first time you chatted for more than the most superficial of subjects? The first time you met, even though you were children?

Even in the slightly formalized world of online dating - where the “first date” is typically obviously delineated - there’s no easy way to pinpoint the beginning of a romance. Is it when you first laid eyes on a profile, even though it didn’t grab you at the time? Is it that formal first “date”? Or was it the second date, the third email - when was it exactly that you realized you were looking forward to responses not because you “had a date,” but because of who the date was?

The truth is, the romance can sneak up on us. It can be a slow burn. And being self-conscious about it, or forcing it, isn’t going to make anything happen any faster.

So what do we do? We learn the lesson my friend learned: that any relationship starts with a hello. We can’t always predict which ones blossom into something more, so we get on the ride and see where it takes us. And the real excitement of romance is the moment when you realize it’s already there; it’s snuck up on you, and you’re trying to figure out when it arrived. The fact that you won’t know when the story is beginning, as my hopelessly romantic friend now claims, is the best surprise.

The similarities between online dating sites and social networks are many and varied. Now that we’re used to communicating even with close family and friends via the internet, we’re even more comfortable and confident about the idea of using a site to find someone with whom to meet. The line between “the internet” and “real life” is more blurred than ever, and social networking has contributed to this greatly. For some, the natural next step is to combine the two, with an added dash of the other technology that has shaped the last several years - the mobile app. But are these new hybrids right for you?

The answer is different for every person, but there are a few factors to consider. If you’re considering a new type of dating medium, the first thing to check is exactly what kind of information you’ll be sharing. For example, some sites encourage you to link your Facebook profile. Because we’re so used to sharing our online lives with those close to us, linking your profile might not seem that strange. However, living our lives online means that our profiles are rife with private details and clues about our everyday routines. If you do choose to share such information with a dating app, make sure you’re comfortable with privacy options on both mediums.

Some apps reveal your actual, current location. Again, it’s best to really familiarize yourself with what that means - can you turn it off when you’re at home? How specific will the app be in telling prospective dates where you are?

There’s also the issue of immediacy to consider. Some love mobile dating apps because it allows them to be more spontaneous in seeking love - going for that chance meeting instead of something carefully scheduled. Others dislike that aspect; they like to have time to consider their options before taking that plunge. An app that tells them they have to act immediately only makes them agitated.

Still others want to be able to completely ‘disconnect’ from the internet during their time off. They like the ability to visit traditional dating sites on their schedule, when they’re in the proper headspace. As one person said, “I don’t have email on my phone because I don’t want to be interrupted with business while I’m at home - why would I want to be bothered with home business at work?”

Only you can decide if a mobile or social dating service is what’s right for you. By considering your preferences, personality type and tendencies, you can best use technology to aid you in finding love - without letting it drive you crazy along the way.