Advice

In choosing a default picture for your online dating profile, there are tons of criteria you could consider: is anyone else in the picture with you? Does holding someone's random baby send the message you want? Do you even look like that picture anymore?

Similarly, there are tips everywhere for taking a photo yourself: get a tripod. Dress nicely. Sit up straight. Avoid the Myspace, security-camera height angle... The list goes on.

However, there's one basic rule – in my opinion, the most important one – that often goes ignored:

Smile.

So simple we often forget it. Or maybe we've been told to “say cheese” so many times we think it must be a cliché. We all have reasons for not smiling from time to time, some of them valid, some of them misguided. Maybe our teeth aren't perfect. Maybe our eyes do a weird squint thing when we smile. Maybe we want to look pensive and intelligent. Maybe we just have ten pictures of the same smile, and want to mix it up a bit. Men, in particular, seem to think they look more manly when they're serious.

Here's the thing, though. Regardless of gender, most people look better when they smile, especially if it's a natural, “I'm about to start laughing” smile. It doesn't matter if your teeth are crooked – most people are looking at your whole face rather than one part anyway. Same goes for the squinted eyes.

It is possible to get a serious picture that looks masculine or intelligent – but nine times out of ten, I see pictures that come across as intimidating or just plain scary instead of manly, and mopey or desperate instead of intelligent.

It might be all right to toss in one non-smiling picture if the rest are smiling, especially if you tend to do the exact same smile in every picture. Still, context is everything, and remember to evaluate your serious self, to ensure you don't look like an Eeyore or a villain.

Even if you toss in a serious shot, your default picture should always be one of the smiling ones. You're sending a first impression with that picture, unlike a social network like Facebook where most of your friends already know you. Smiling sends all sorts of subliminal messages as well: honesty, openness, positivity. Make sure your pictures are sending the right message, and remember: in a happy relationship, you'll be smiling often anyway.

If you would like a professional photographer to take your online dating photo, you should check out our Look Better Online review. This is a service which specializes in taking and touching up online dating profile photo's.

There's no question that many couples in relationships start out as “just friends.” Sure, there's the occasional “instant spark” or “love at first sight” stories. Many others, however, start out as quiet friendships, maybe with some chemistry smoldering under the surface, that slowly develop into more over a period of months or years.

Some detractors from online dating claim that the Internet fosters an artificial relationship – that simply talking to a person online can't possibly compare to doing the same thing in person. If we agree that friendship, leading to dating, leading to a relationship is the “natural” progression for most people, I make the claim that the use of online dating sites is a far more genuine avenue to starting a relationship than, say, a typical singles scene like a bar.

Consider the bar: many consider it the only avenue to ever finding that “special someone,” so pressure is heightened. It's assumed that if you go through the trouble of selecting just the right outfit, heading out to the watering hole, and making yourself available, that you're a failure if you don't land a date or better – that night. The bar is expected to be immediate dating gratification. And if you do land a date, or something more, you've completely bypassed the get-to-know-you, friendship stage – which might be desirable at the time, but could have long-term repercussions if you're looking for a relationship.

Now consider an online dating site. Now, some use dating sites as little more than classified ads, and others try to rush into a date or a relationship with one email. However, in most instances, first contact on a dating site is the equivalent of a simple “hello.” Emails get exchanged, chemistry and common interests are detected, and finally, after a period of days or months, you progress to the dating stage – and maybe beyond.

Is it immediate gratification? Not usually. But in my opinion, it's much closer to the “natural” progression of relationships – and the rewards for taking it slow could be better and longer-lasting.

Sue has been on an online dating site for awhile. In fact, she's starting to feel like an old hand at it.

None of her dates have turned into anything really lasting, which is somewhat of a puzzle to Sue, but she has a pretty steady stream of dates going. She has, in her opinion, perfected the first-contact email, so she uses the same one with each guy, and so far, results seem to back up her assertion.

She's also found the perfect first date location in her town. Perfect decor, perfect distance from her house, perfect balance of “nice” and “comfortable.” Naturally, she recommends this location whenever she can.

Yes, things are going smoothly for Sue, for months, until one day she forgets to plug in the latest guy's name in her cut-and-paste email. Then, two weeks later, she runs into not one, but two former dates at her perfect location.

Sue's never been so embarrassed. She's always been an efficient woman; she was simply proceeding in what she felt was the most effective way. And if you have the perfect first email and the perfect first meeting location, why not use them?

Upon further reflection, Sue begins to notice a trend in her dates. They are perfect first dates – and about as generic as they come. Sue had fallen into the habit of “meeting,” not “dating.” On the surface, there was nothing wrong with the men she had dated – but she had only bothered to find out the most superficial details about them, and she'd only offered the same. It was really no surprise that there had never been a connection, no progression into anything deeper.

Often online dating is looked at as a numbers game, and to a certain extent, that's true. However, it's important to remember that each person you meet is an individual human being. It might be tempting to instantly classify people into “types,” to get lazy with your correspondence, or to use generic “catch-all” locations. It's acceptable to have a certain amount of get-to-know-you, but remember, the goal is to eventually move past that, into an actual friendship... or something more.

The holidays are approaching, and with them come the inevitable holiday parties. Some people I know will do anything to avoid going to these parties alone – including bringing siblings and old dates that didn't pan out.

Personally, I find this counterproductive. I understand bringing a friend as insurance if the party turns boring, but why subject yourself to someone you can hardly stand for an entire evening?

This year, try going alone, dressed to kill. I can't promise that it will land you a date, but it will probably be more fun. The possibility of “anything” is a definite improvement over the grim certainty of a night with someone you'd rather push into the punch bowl. Parties should be enjoyed, not merely endured.

The “go it alone” tactic might be worth exploring when it's not the holiday season, as well. Think about your social habits: are you only ever found in public from the depths of a pack of friends?

I have a friend who used to complain that she never met anyone. What she didn't realize is that she was almost never alone; if she went out, it was with two or more friends.

Not only does that raise the intimidation factor for anyone who'd like to talk to you, it also lowers your awareness of what's going on around you. That person in Starbucks might have been trying to catch your eye for ten minutes, while you were engrossed in a friend's story.

Going out alone also demonstrates that you're an independent person who is comfortable in their own company – not an unattractive trait to have.

This doesn't mean that you should never go out with friends – on the contrary, people are most attractive when they're unselfconscious and having a good time. But perhaps it's not a bad idea to assess your availability from time to time, and be more aware of your surroundings – catching that person's eye and giving them a smile might be all the encouragement they need to brave your friends.

It would appear that online dating is getting a surge of fresh blood recently.

First, the economic downturn has had online dating enthusiasts crowing for months: “Online dating numbers are up! People want the cheaper, better alternative!”

Then there's the Baby Boomers. The over-50s are a fast-growing segment of the online dating population, and since they're such a large demographic, they will undoubtedly exert their influence and make an impression on the dating world. That cha-ching you hear is the sound of the inevitable over-50 dating sites that are springing up as we speak.

If you're one of the many who are new to online dating, welcome! However, there's a few truths you must understand:

First, online dating may be cheaper and more convenient, but finding a lasting relationship is never easy. Those serious about finding a partner will have to put in work, sooner or later.

Many people hear the fairy-tale stories of love found online and expect that their experience will be just that: a fairytale. And maybe it will be, but there's nothing extra-magical about meeting people online. It is one of the most efficient, reasonable ways to meet new people with potentially similar interests, sure – but that's all it is, an avenue to meet someone. The rest is up to you, with all the mundane trials of any relationship. Still, for many people, simply finding the person is the hardest part; maybe, for them, it is magical.

Secondly, many novices to the online dating world are novices to the Internet in general. If you fit into this category, that means that you're potentially more vulnerable, and it might be easier for a scam artist to take advantage of you.

In this instance, the best defense is knowledge and a good support system. Read up on online safety practices and find out what some of the most recent scams are. Talk to friends and family when you're first getting your feet wet, see if anything rings their warning bells.

Using an online dating site is really no more dangerous than meeting someone in the grocery store, as long as you're well-versed in basic Internet safety. Think of the Internet like moving to a new city; it's bigger, and there might be sections to avoid. Still, once you get used to it, it's home, with new and exciting opportunities everywhere!

Brenda is setting up her first online dating profile. She's a little bit flustered, a little embarrassed – her friends are laughing around her, and everyone's a little tipsy. Brenda wants to meet men, but she wants to get this setup over and done with.

“Okay, okay,” Brenda mumbles. “Height? I'm 5'7”, so, uh, 5'7” and up, I guess?”

Meanwhile, across town, Bob is setting up his own profile. His story is pretty much the same. He's 39 years old, so he sets the age range he's looking for as 35-40, and doesn't much think about it.

Brenda and Bob would be perfect for each other. However, Brenda is 41, and wouldn't dare email someone who feels she's “too old.” Similarly, Bob is 5'6”. He wouldn't mind dating a taller woman, but he's certain that if Brenda would have wanted to date a shorter man she would have said so.

In truth, neither one would have had a problem dating each other. They didn't think very hard when they first made their profiles, and they certainly wouldn't have rejected an email from someone just barely outside their specifications.

Unfortunately, this situation happens frequently. Particularly when first setting up a profile, many people settle into default, fairy-tale specifications, where the man is both taller and older than the woman. If pressed, only a fraction of those would have any particular problem with someone who's shorter or younger; it simply never crossed their mind.

It's hard when coaching my clients to convince them to send an email to someone when they feel they're "outside their range" for height or weight or age, even if it's only by a little. I convince them to go for it, and many times, that little "risk" pays off with a reply email and sometimes even a date later down the road!

One of the many benefits of online dating is that gambling is easy and virtually pain-free. There's no penalty for sending an email to someone, even if you're not precisely what they set out to find. There's always a chance you could get a rude response, but in that case you're saved a date with a classless boor.

However, it's also possible that you are, in fact, the Brenda or Bob. Review your own specifications. Do they accurately represent who you'd be willing to consider? Would you be fine with a younger man or a taller woman?

Remember: what might seem like a simple guideline to you might be interpreted as a hard-and-fast rule. It might be time to broaden your parameters – treasure isn't always found inside the box.