What Are You REALLY Searching For?
- Monday, December 07 2009 @ 08:23 am
- Contributed by: EFoley
- Views: 2,578
Brenda is setting up her first online dating profile. She's a little bit flustered, a little embarrassed – her friends are laughing around her, and everyone's a little tipsy. Brenda wants to meet men, but she wants to get this setup over and done with.
“Okay, okay,” Brenda mumbles. “Height? I'm 5'7”, so, uh, 5'7” and up, I guess?”
Meanwhile, across town, Bob is setting up his own profile. His story is pretty much the same. He's 39 years old, so he sets the age range he's looking for as 35-40, and doesn't much think about it.
Brenda and Bob would be perfect for each other. However, Brenda is 41, and wouldn't dare email someone who feels she's “too old.” Similarly, Bob is 5'6”. He wouldn't mind dating a taller woman, but he's certain that if Brenda would have wanted to date a shorter man she would have said so.
In truth, neither one would have had a problem dating each other. They didn't think very hard when they first made their profiles, and they certainly wouldn't have rejected an email from someone just barely outside their specifications.
Unfortunately, this situation happens frequently. Particularly when first setting up a profile, many people settle into default, fairy-tale specifications, where the man is both taller and older than the woman. If pressed, only a fraction of those would have any particular problem with someone who's shorter or younger; it simply never crossed their mind.
It's hard when coaching my clients to convince them to send an email to someone when they feel they're "outside their range" for height or weight or age, even if it's only by a little. I convince them to go for it, and many times, that little "risk" pays off with a reply email and sometimes even a date later down the road!
One of the many benefits of online dating is that gambling is easy and virtually pain-free. There's no penalty for sending an email to someone, even if you're not precisely what they set out to find. There's always a chance you could get a rude response, but in that case you're saved a date with a classless boor.
However, it's also possible that you are, in fact, the Brenda or Bob. Review your own specifications. Do they accurately represent who you'd be willing to consider? Would you be fine with a younger man or a taller woman?
Remember: what might seem like a simple guideline to you might be interpreted as a hard-and-fast rule. It might be time to broaden your parameters – treasure isn't always found inside the box.
“Okay, okay,” Brenda mumbles. “Height? I'm 5'7”, so, uh, 5'7” and up, I guess?”
Meanwhile, across town, Bob is setting up his own profile. His story is pretty much the same. He's 39 years old, so he sets the age range he's looking for as 35-40, and doesn't much think about it.
Brenda and Bob would be perfect for each other. However, Brenda is 41, and wouldn't dare email someone who feels she's “too old.” Similarly, Bob is 5'6”. He wouldn't mind dating a taller woman, but he's certain that if Brenda would have wanted to date a shorter man she would have said so.
In truth, neither one would have had a problem dating each other. They didn't think very hard when they first made their profiles, and they certainly wouldn't have rejected an email from someone just barely outside their specifications.
Unfortunately, this situation happens frequently. Particularly when first setting up a profile, many people settle into default, fairy-tale specifications, where the man is both taller and older than the woman. If pressed, only a fraction of those would have any particular problem with someone who's shorter or younger; it simply never crossed their mind.
It's hard when coaching my clients to convince them to send an email to someone when they feel they're "outside their range" for height or weight or age, even if it's only by a little. I convince them to go for it, and many times, that little "risk" pays off with a reply email and sometimes even a date later down the road!
One of the many benefits of online dating is that gambling is easy and virtually pain-free. There's no penalty for sending an email to someone, even if you're not precisely what they set out to find. There's always a chance you could get a rude response, but in that case you're saved a date with a classless boor.
However, it's also possible that you are, in fact, the Brenda or Bob. Review your own specifications. Do they accurately represent who you'd be willing to consider? Would you be fine with a younger man or a taller woman?
Remember: what might seem like a simple guideline to you might be interpreted as a hard-and-fast rule. It might be time to broaden your parameters – treasure isn't always found inside the box.
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