Advice

Ladies, this one is for you. (But guys, you may want to read it to know exactly what NOT to do.)

It's no secret that there are websites out there teaching men "tricks" to get women to email them. Some of them have pretty clever names, too. (My personal favorite is entitled "From Myspace to My Place." Skeevy, isn't it?) In fact, I've been approached by the guys who run these types of sites to write articles for them. Again, ew. Not going to happen.

Here are three of the email tricks guys will use to get you to write them back.

"I need a woman's opinion."

This guy will write you to ask for your opinion on a situation regarding a "friend." Could you PLEASE help? It would be so wonderful if you could just give him a little advice. But really, who asks a complete stranger for advice? And you know what? This is often the exact same email he cut and pasted to 29 other women that day. If the guy and his profile don't interest you, don't write back. Let one of those other 29 women "help" him. Delete!

"Wow, how have YOU been?"

These guys pretend like they know you from somewhere. Then once you write back to tell him that you don't really know him, he has you in his net. "Oh, you looked just like this beautiful woman I met at the farmer's market last weekend. Wow. You must be her sister or evil twin then! So..." Yep, it's all a trick to get you to write back. Delete!

"Are you drunk in that picture?"

These guys play the pickup artist game of insulting women to get them to respond. They often email to poke fun at your pictures. They're bad quality, they don't show enough of your body, they're all from the same angle, they make you look drunk or cross-eyed. Whatever they can come up with, they'll throw out there. Or they'll attach to something on your profile. Moral of the story? If you get an email with an insult, don't take the bait. Delete!

Normally, I suggest writing back to everyone who writes you, even if it's just a "Thanks but no thanks" form email. However, if a guy is obviously pushing buttons, you have my permission to just delete him and go on to the better men in your inbox.

An obvious benefit of online dating is the ability to easily find people with common interests. Depending on the dating service and the profile, it's not that difficult to find someone who shares the same religion, favorite music, niche hobbies, or even counterculture lifestyle.

Here's the problem, though: once they become aware of the limitless possibilities of an Internet search, some people become much pickier about who they even contact, waiting for that “perfect person” whose personality, looks and interests are exactly what they're looking for.

And as specialized dating sites spring up with the speed of multiplying bacteria, they reinforce the notion that a person with different interests is ultimately incompatible. Strangely enough, the Internet – a place notorious for being blind to first impressions, for finding one's “soul mate” - can be more restrictive than a singles' night chaperoned by nuns, in the wrong hands.

Don't get me wrong – common interests are essential in a long-term relationship. When the adrenaline and hormones wane, when sex is less of a top priority, hopefully a couple has something to talk about, or the situation will go downhill fast.

However, another component essential in a long-term relationship is independence. Many lasting close relationships – whether it be romantic or platonic – eventually become identified by their differences instead of their similarities. Think of a set of twins – sure, they might like to do 90% of their activities together, but they also want their own identities, so Tommy becomes known as “the one who plays soccer” and Timmy is “the one who plays baseball.” Though it's great to have common interests with the one you love, it's really not necessary to have every single interest match up – for many, the lack of time apart becomes suffocating.

Most people don't really want a clone of themselves – they want respect and validation. That is why the niche dating websites can be so helpful; a person from a religious website might understand why your activities are limited on certain days without judgment. Someone from a science fiction site might not like your favorite fantasy series, but they probably won't make fun of you either. It is the understanding, not the agreement, that we all really crave.

So remember, as you're perusing an online dating site, that you're looking for a type of person, a person who will respect and appreciate you - not just a specific set of interests.

You've seen all the commercials, you've heard all the success stories, and you're a single person desperately seeking that special someone. So you say, "I'll join eHarmony!" You log in, go through the whole personality test and anxiously click the final button to get your results...

"Unable to match you at this time"

WHAT? eHarmony, the site of love and happiness, has decided that you're not matchable for love and happiness? What gives? What did you do wrong? How can you be such a horrible person that you've been rejected from a dating site?

Well, hold your horses for just a bit while I explain it to you.

First off, if eHarmony rejects you, BE HAPPY. They're essentially saying "Don't waste your money on us." Move on to a different dating site and then you can laugh when you're writing your Chemistry.com success story later down the road.

But for those who are curious, here are the main reasons why eHarmony will reject you:

1) You're gay. eHarmony doesn't match people who aren't straight. If you're looking for the same exact personality test on a site that's just for gay people, check out CompatiblePartners.net.

2) You're separated or married. eHarmony doesn't play that game. Even if you're just waiting to sign the papers, eHarmony still considers you married.

3) You're too young. 18 or 19? You're "not old enough" to be marriage-minded.

4) You've tried marriage too many times. If you've had multiple divorces, eHarmony doesn't think you're a good match for its members.

5) You flunked the personality test. If eHarmony considers you to be too angry, sad, untrustworthy, or dishonest, you'll be rejected. This will also happen if your test answers contradict each other. Also semi-unfair? If you admit to having a bad childhood (even if you've worked through it in therapy!) you'll probably be rejected, too.

My advice?

If you get accepted to eHarmony, great. If not, no biggie. There are plenty of other great sites out there like Chemistry.com and RewardingLove.com that have extensive personality tests. And honestly? When I was an eHarmony member, most of my matches were guys I'd already seen via Match.com. Being rejected from one dating site isn't the end of the world; it's simply one opportunity lost - and not necessarily the best one for you!

For further information on this dating site and how it works, read our review of eHarmony.

In a perfect world, online dating sites would have an endless stream of fresh prospects, people who live just around the corner that you never knew existed. People who live in your town and have your interests, who attend the same concerts and museums and county fairs as you, and it's through a cruel twist of fate that you'd never run into each other before.

Certainly, this can happen, and does. In cities with tens of thousands, or even millions of people, it's quite possible for there to be scores of compatible people right around the corner that you've never seen before.

However, we don't all live in a place like New York City or Los Angeles. Maybe you live in a city that feels more like a small town. Maybe the people who share your interests are the small community – every Ultimate Frisbee player knows every other. Or maybe we really do live in a town that numbers in the hundreds, and there's only five single people in your age range – and you all know each other.

In these situations, it's almost inevitable: eventually, you see someone you know on an online dating site.

Most of the time, it's a little jarring, but not earth-shattering; maybe it's that newly-divorced co-worker who had mentioned they were thinking about creating a profile. Maybe it's your neighbor down the street that you dated once, but there was no spark. Their profiles don't present any story other than the one you already know.

But what if it's someone you knew as a child? Someone you hadn't thought of in years? Or worse – someone you'd despised?

In mid-sized towns and cities, it's entirely possible to know someone for a brief time in your life – say, elementary school – and never encounter that person again until years later. Now, social networking sites make those re-connections all the more likely. In our youth, we tend to make judgments that stick with us – but what if the person's profile describes a person completely unlike the one you knew years earlier? Do you take a chance, or trust your first impression?

As with everything, every situation is unique. Instead of pros and cons, try balancing logic and gut instinct. How long ago did you know this person? How grievous were the crimes committed against you? A little teasing in elementary school is quite a different subject than cruelty as a teenager. And finally, which feels more accurate: the person in the profile before you, or the person you disliked in your youth?

If you're certain of that answer, you know whether to take a chance or let sleeping dogs lie.

I once worked with a girl who had a reputation for being – for lack of a better phrase – a serial dater. She was quick to tell you about the latest guy she was seeing, or even the latest guy she met. After knowing her for a few months, people knew to tune out the details, because they weren't worth remembering; it seemed after a few weeks, months, or even days, the “violinist” was replaced by the “baseball player,” who was then the “rock climber.”

In reality, this girl wasn't really dating more than anyone else; she simply felt the need to share every little detail of her life. She wouldn't just fill us in on who she was dating; she would tell us about the cute guy she talked to, or saw on her way to work. She'd tell us about a guy (or several) she saw on an online dating site that she was thinking about emailing. It was essentially like living in her romantic stream of consciousness.

Still, that didn't stop others in the office from looking at her and clucking their tongues with disapproval when she shared her thoughts on the “construction worker.” It seems ridiculous that one's dating lifestyle should affect one's job, but for her, it did – soon people began to assume that she was as flighty in all other aspects of her life, including her job performance. Her performance didn't actually suffer, but everyone knew that she had to “prove” herself a little more than the rest of us.

Usually, when people wonder when they should fill in others about their new relationship, they're thinking of family and close friends. However, in today's environment of over-sharing, it's easy to spill more than you mean to. For example, you might not have to literally blab at work; all you'd have to do is post about it on your Facebook.

A simple rule of thumb: your dating life is your personal business. In the first few months of a growing relationship, the people you should tell are the people you'd feel most comfortable telling if it didn't work out. And, of course, you should keep a close friend appraised of your plans when you're meeting someone new, for safety reasons.

As for everyone else, it's strictly business until you say so.

Now that we're about to embark on a new year, as well as a new decade, mentioning the big 2010 is one of the easiest ways to bring your profile up to date. However, as you write your New Year's update, it might be prudent to take a moment, proofread, and make sure the message you're sending is positive.

For example, a typical, positive update might be something along the lines of, One of my New Year's resolutions is to try new things, so I'm starting a salsa class! Here, the writer is obviously excited about the resolution, and provides a concrete way in which the resolution is already being pursued.

You could make a joke, like, Here's hoping the next decade brings miracles, like the end of Reality TV! It's just silly enough that no one will wonder whether you're serious and the exclamation point drives the joke home as well. Humor doesn't always read well on the Internet, so tread with caution on this one, and stay well away from inflammatory topics such as politics.

It might be easiest to go with something simple, such as, Do you have resolutions for the new year? In this case, you're asking a question that the reader can respond to in a first-contact email, and it's not exactly holiday-specific, so it won't look out of place until the end of
February.

It can be easy, however, to stray into the realm of negativity. For example, My New Year's resolution is to stop smoking to get my coworkers off my back, here's hoping I stick to it or at least don't get lung cancer, ha ha. We've got a resolution without any excitement behind it, and a joke that falls flat, to boot.

The whirlpool of negativity can make it easy to overshare, as well:
Wow, I hope this decade is better than the last one. Nothing's really been the same since my pet bird died and I had a root canal on the same day...

These bad idea examples might seem ridiculous, but many fall victim to the Negative Nancy trap without realizing it. It might not hurt to give your profile updates a second look, and ensure that you're starting off the new year looking forward.