Advice

I know it's only the end of February, but change is coming. I can feel it. The days are getting longer, the sun seems a little brighter. I'm finding myself restless more often, staring out the window. Spring is on the way.

Depending on what magazines you read, spring fever might be on the way as well. The claim is that people become more amorous, that every act down to a handshake is sexually charged. Right now, some magazines claim, is your best chance for a hookup.

So does spring fever actually exist? Is it truly a biological phenomenon? Well, maybe not. Some studies have shown that couples who keep sex diaries actually have less sex in the spring – fall's the big season, apparently. But just because we aren't driven like the birds and the bunnies doesn't mean we don't feel the psychological effects of spring.

Maybe it's purely suggestion or psychological, but I know I've got plenty of anecdotal evidence that suggests that we view spring as a time of fresh starts, cleaning out the cobwebs of our houses and our pasts. We've been hunkered down and bundled up for months, and spring is the time when we can shed our clothes and feel the sunshine on our skin; much of spring is sensual, if not sexual. Flowers bloom, and the world is, literally, a brighter place.

So maybe we don't have a biological impulse to throw ourselves on the next available mate. That doesn't matter; spring is a time of new beginnings, new adventures, vivid colors. It may only be psychological, but if our hearts and our minds are open, that's really all that matters. So as spring arrives in your town, be assertive. Get out in the sun, throw a Frisbee, send an email, and best of luck in your own new beginning.

A weird thing recently happened to one of my best friends. I warn you, this is going to sound like some cheesy plot from a movie – and usually I try to stay away from fairy-tales. Still, this has something I think we can all learn from, so please bear with me.

My friend was very frustrated with her love life. She'd dated guys from all over, with mixed results, but no real winners. Once she decided to try online dating, a few years back. She became enamored with one guy, and he turned out to be a jerk in person.

She declared she was done with online dating forever. None of my cajoling, or logical arguments that she'd dated jerks before and that didn't put her off from meeting in person forever, seemed to have an effect. Meanwhile, she became increasingly negative about meeting the “right guy” and relationships in general.

Until a few months ago. I don't know exactly what went on in her head to change her mind, but abruptly she decided to take charge, of her life and this whole relationship thing. Instead of waiting for Prince Charming to come find her, she was going to put herself out there and find him. That included online dating; she even asked me to help proofread her profile.

Rarely had I ever seen her so confident, assertive and pro-active. It agreed with her, really. And apparently someone else thought so too – because the night that I toiled over her profile, she went out with friends, and a really nice guy approached her. They went out on a date shortly after.

At first I was a little miffed that the online profile would go to waste, but it's been a few months, and they're still going strong. And then I realized: maybe the profile served a purpose after all. My friend didn't change herself physically; she didn't change her core personality, but her attitude about dating certainly changed through the profile-writing process. She decided she didn't want to wait for a guy to find her, and that very attitude made her more attractive. And so far, she's reaped the benefits.

Maybe we could all learn a lesson from her. Being pro-active is almost always positive. If that guy hadn't approached my friend, she would have been okay, and she would have approached someone else. When you're confident, and assertive, situations become increasingly win-win. Try taking charge of your own life, and see if the benefits don't show in almost every facet.

Many men quickly get frustrated with the traditional American Dating sites. We all know, and have experienced the intense competition for desirable, talented, and intelligent women. Have you considered the foreign themed sites? What are some of the benefits and risks of these sites?

We have all seen the movie scenes. A successful American businessman travels to Europe and meets an exotic and beautiful foreign woman. This exhilarating experience is still the dream of many. With the epidemic of obesity in both sexes, we have all observed that the competition is brutal for any potential mate that is anywhere near a normal weight. This is a fact, and the problem has been made worse by the image that Hollywood and the media have given us. Movies and television programs display beautiful men and women with perfect features and proportions and at their ideal weight.
One way to increase your odds of getting that ideal looking woman is to look on the foreign themed sites. If you decide to go this route, however, there are a few things that you need to understand.
In general, the days are long gone where American men can easily date Western-European woman. This is primarily a function of greatly differing lifestyles and work habits. The average person in the United States has only 2 weeks off for vacation per year and just a few holidays. Let’s contrast this with life in the European Union. In Europe, the average worker has a month vacation in the summer, 2 to 3 weeks off for Christmas, a week off for Easter, unlimited and no-fault sick leave, and about 15 national holidays. Add on to this a 30 to 35-hour working week and I think you can see the problems.
Because of our hectic pace, Americans tend to “schedule” activities. For example, it is usual for us to say, “Let’s meet for coffee at Starbucks at 6 PM.” Normally, by 7PM, we are looking to be on our way. In Europe, in contrast, the couple will sit for hours and hours talking and chatting away the time. Because they have almost 2 months off in a year, time is not critical. A person with only 2 weeks off in a year will not be so generous with his or her time and has a lot of personal business to do on that free Saturday.

What is the solution to this problem?

One solution if you are interested in foreign woman, is to consider those from Eastern European nations. You will find that many of these women are still trying to pull themselves and their families up by their bootstraps, and will be highly motivated to have a relationship with you. From the beginning, they will want to be sure that you are “serious” but that is not a serious problem to overcome. Just be polite, do not confess love in the first emails, and take some time to get to know them. In addition, if you display some interest in their culture and language, you will have scored valuable points, and you will be on you way to a wonderful, and life enriching experience.

As we see many of the same people on the traditional dating websites, the foreign themed websites may offer an interesting opportunity to some. Just be careful and practice a few safeguards such as never sending money before you meet, take the relationship slowly, ensure that you webcam each other to match the face with the profile, and keep the age difference in the same decade. With a few of these suggestions, you can open up your world in ways you never thought possible.

Just think about it. Perhaps 6 months from now you will be in that café in Europe with that beautiful French woman of your dreams, sipping wine and enjoying the sites!

Good Luck.

Recently a friend of mine started dating a new guy. A few days ago, she confessed that she felt something was wrong, something was lacking - but she couldn't quite put it into words.

Naturally, I start questioning her. Was it chemistry? Nope. Was he boring? No. Did she have feelings for him? Yes. This went on for awhile, until, frustrated, I asked her to come up with some concrete examples of what was bothering her.

“Well, I was really busy at work last month,” she began. “And then he had to go out of the country for a few weeks. So, he's back now, and... everything is the same.”

I wasn't impressed. “So?” I said.

That was, literally, the entire problem. He hadn't fallen in love with someone when he was out of the country. Things weren't weird due to their time apart. And that seemed strange to her.

She wasn't seeking the excitement of difficulty, I gathered. She simply was waiting for the other shoe to drop – a sort of cynicism I hadn't quite thought about before.

People often rail about the negative effects of fairy tales and romantic movies – they say it conditions people to expect fireworks, that everything is always lovely. I say depictions of relationships in pop culture do the opposite just as often.

Think about it: what happens when you see a couple that is seemingly comfortable? One of them has an affair, or gets hit by a truck, or turns out to be an enemy spy, or gets kidnapped. If a character isn't falling in love, they're having love cruelly ripped from them.

This makes sense, from a storytelling standpoint; a tale of a happy couple would be boring to most after a few minutes. There needs to be some conflict, some drama, to keep the story moving.

But life isn't a carefully plotted script. Sometimes, there isn't a villain waiting in the wings. Sometimes everything is simply normal, and you can relax. Bear this in mind as you start your new relationships; don't let the beauty of comfort pass by because you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Ever play a slot machine? It usually starts out well – you put in a dollar, get ten cents here, five cents there, and before you know it, you've doubled your starting amount. It might be wise to stop here, take the money and run... but most people won't. Thinking your streak will keep going, you keep pressing on, until you're down – or flat broke.

Sometimes dating can be the same way. Online dating is the most obvious example; you're bombarded with “new matches!” every few days on most sites. Even if you're dating someone and it's going well, it can be tempting to peek at the new matches and gauge what you could be missing.

Even if you don't have an account at an online dating site, the “slot machine mentality” can still apply. Some people have been looking so long, or simply have a certain type of personality, that it can be difficult to turn off that “scan and search” mode when they're out. Sure, their current relationship might be going smoothly – but is there something better out there?

Just like in the casino, this kind of behavior can be disastrous for your relationship prospects. Looking for the elusive, fictional perfect person will keep you from completely engaging in any other relationships, ultimately dooming them.

Next time you turn back to the drawing board of potential dates, ask yourself: Have you really been unsuccessful thus far? Or are you simply looking to see if there's anything better?

Some might say it's human nature to keep pressing the button on the slot machine – a base animal instinct. However, it's always possible to walk away when you've doubled your dollar; it just takes a little self-control. Don't let primal human greed keep you from finding – or fully enjoying – a fulfilling relationship.

Something Suddenly Came Up

Remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where Marcia accepted a date with one guy, not someone she really liked all that much, then cancelled on him using a weak excuse because the Big Man On Campus asked her out?

The real life version of this is when someone you've gone out on a few dates with suddenly informs you they can no longer date you because they've met someone else.

That's right. You're the person they weren't all that taken with, but that they dated, while they waited for someone "better" to come along.

You see this more often with people you meet online. Naturally, that medium encourages a level of multi-tasking. Lots of people do it, this juggling of dates. The question I have is: why do we feel like we HAVE to have several eggs in our basket? Do you really want to have a relationship with the person who ranked Number 2 or 3 after you've been working towards being with Number 1?

Isn't that a bit of a let down?

Conversely, have you ever been told that you're second on the roster and that you're in competition with someone else?

I had this happen to me last December. The guy and I had a perfectly great date. Before the end of the night, he had asked me out for a second date. He asked me to choose between two nights the following week so we could go out again. I chose Wednesday.

The day after he asked me out for date two, he emailed me telling me he "suddenly" remembered he had a work obligation.

Uh oh. I smell trouble. The next day I get another message from him.

I am not one to play games so I will tell you that I met someone recently and we went out several times. I think I am leaning towards seeing where things go with them. I haven't made a final decision yet. I enjoyed spending time with you but I want to be up front about my situation so you know how things stand.
:)

Before you get outraged ... he signed off with a smiley face. So he's not a bad guy, okay?

I didn't know how to respond. Do I say that I understood and that it's no problem and keep our date, thereby saying I'd happy to wait for him to decide if I made the cut? Or do I thank him for his honesty and suggest we just leave things at one date.

In the spirit of Embracing Number 2, I chose the second option.

It's my belief that he wasn't telling me this news to be honest. I believe he believed that, and I think he was being as honest as he could be. But that level of honesty didn't really work for me. It felt more like passive aggression. He told me something that almost forced me to bow out so he wouldn't be the bad guy. He wanted me to do the dirty work for him.

It's not that I don't understand the need to keep your options open. I do. But isn't there a more efficient way to do this that doesn't involve hurting someone's feelings? Like, I don't know, keeping the information that you're dating other people to yourself?