Advice

An online dating profile can tell you a lot about a person - Does she smoke? Does he want children? What are his hobbies? Where did she go to school? - but there are a few key things that you will probably never find in someone's profile, like arrest records, sex offender status, and financial history.

When you're meeting someone in person, things like body language, tone of voice, and pace of speech offer a lot of clues about the truthfulness of what your date is telling you. But when all of the information you know about someone has been gathered from the text of profiles, emails, and instant messaging conversations, it is much more difficult to determine if your date is being dishonest.

So how do you protect yourself from predators?

You could try asking something along the lines of "Hey, you don't happen to have a criminal record, do you?" but it's not the smoothest of pickup lines and I have a tiny hunch that most prospective dates would consider it a turn-off. Instead, I recommend a more subtle (and confidential!) approach: the online criminal background check.

A background check is the ideal way to discretely find out if someone you're interested in is a liar or a potential lover. If you find nothing suspicious, you haven't hurt your date's feelings or made them uncomfortable with the aforementioned awkward pickup line, and if you do find something that makes you nervous you still have time to walk away from the situation easily.

Some Web sites, like DateDetective.com, cater specifically to online dating, but most sites conduct general background checks on either a statewide or a nationwide level. FreeBackgroundChecksUSA.com, for instance, presents basic facts about each state (like population and largest city) as well as information on crime rates within the state. They also provide links to the National Sex Offender Registry, and places where you can find out more about criminal records, incarceration records, and court records.

SnoopStation.com offers a free option that takes you through a short questionnaire to determine exactly what information you'd like to acquire and what information you already have. If you know the person's name, you then have the option to search his or her criminal history, financial history (or occupational details), marital/relationship history, vital details (like name, age, and SSN), location, or to simply find out as much information as possible about the person. If you do not know the person's name, you can search using his or her phone number, address, email address, or Web site URL.

CriminalSearches.com is a very easy-to-use site that provides information using a simple system of symbols that puts offenses into several categories: Behavioral, Business, Drug & Alcohol, Sex Related, Theft/Robbery, Violent, and Traffic/Other. Like many other online background check sites, CriminalSearches.com offers basic information for free and redirects to a paid service for a more detailed report.

I recommend searching several different sites and comparing the results, to ensure the accuracy of their information. You can also check accuracy by running a search on your own name. If you ever find yourself worrying about the honesty of someone you've met online, don't hesitate to conduct a quick search on an online background check site. The old adage is true: better safe than sorry!

“It's not you, it's me.” In some form or another, we've all heard this phrase – and some of us have probably used it once or twice. It's probably one of the most commonly-used themes in dating and breakups. But if you use it all the time, when does it become a sign that there's a deeper problem?

A friend of mine has been having trouble in love. She's found a good guy – a great guy, really. While Hollywood likes to portray men as commitmentphobes, she is actually the one who has resisted a good relationship. First she wondered if there was some secret the man was hiding, if he was literally too good to be true. She got to know him, and those fears were laid to rest.

Next she wondered if maybe she wasn't fully attracted to him – if some component was missing. That, however, all seems to be in order as well. Try as she might to find something lacking in this guy, my friend simply couldn't. And for a few weeks, she was happy.

Until they began discussing future plans. Some deep fear was triggered in my friend, and again she's having doubts. This time, though, she knows it can't be due to the man she's seeing – so she must be the one at fault. Maybe she's “just not feeling it.” In short, she's tried so hard to find a problem, she's decided she must be the problem.

And at this rate, maybe she's right. But I don't think the problem is that she's “just not feeling it” - I think it's that she's so afraid to be happy, so used to the never-ending hunt for the “perfect guy,” that the prospect of having actually found a good guy is somewhat unreal to her. Some part of her brain is afraid to relax, afraid to be happy. And unfortunately, if she can't sort out her heart, this guy is going to pay the price as well.

Will my friend be able to get it together, or is she really “just not feeling it”? Only she can truly answer that, and only time will tell. In the meantime, as you embark on your own first dates, think of your own hearts: are you simply trying to be cautious as you start a new relationship, or are you searching for problems that don't exist? Are you creating the "It's not you, it's me" situation?

Often, when there's a problem with anything, it's because it's not balanced. Bike falling over? Balance problem. Gaining weight? Probably not a very balanced diet. Not balancing your partying with your eating and sleeping and working? You might run into problems.

Similarly, many online dating profiles have problems that come down to balance. I cannot tell you how many times I've seen profiles in which the writer gives next to no information about themselves, and then proceeds to write a novel about who they're looking for. Okay, sure, you might know you're everything the person is looking for... but why should you email them? What do they have to offer? Are they not telling you because they're ashamed? Or maybe they're one of those people in which the fault in a relationship always lies with someone else, and they think they're perfect? See, if there's not enough information, the imagination really gets going.

On the other end of the spectrum are the unbalanced people who spend little time in their profile on what they're looking for and the rest of it on Number One. Sometimes these can read like resumes, and not in a good way: “I can fix electronics! I'm handy around the house! I know how to cook! I've got good birthing hips!” This might get them some job offers, but it's hard to know if you're what they're looking for. In fact, it's hard to know if they're looking for anyone at all, or if they just decided to use the space to advertise what a great human being they are.

Oh, before I forget, there are those who are unbalanced in a third way: very little text, lots of sexy pictures. Vague statements that can be applied to anyone, like fortune cookies. These are probably, I'm sorry to say, not legitimate profiles. Beware.

The problem is that an online dating profile should be used as a baseline to test compatibility. You're not trying to sell yourself, and you're not trying to hire someone – you're trying to find a friend. And whether you know it or not, an unbalanced profile is sending one very large message: if the writing is one-sided, we probably wouldn't be able to have a good conversation, either. And thus, the reader moves on.

Luckily, checking for balance in your profile is something that's very simple to do. You don't even have to reread every word – just scan it for sections. Do you spend maybe two paragraphs on yourself and one on your dream match, or two on yourself and eight on your match? It doesn't have to be exactly equal, but you should be able to easily tell if something is off. Give it a try – bringing a little extra balance into your life could bring rewards.

I've been thinking a lot, lately, about the words and phrases we use in everyday life, and how they inevitably shape our expectations as we set out looking for love. Here's one that surprised me when I realized it: the somewhat cynical tone we get when we talk about established relationships.

I'm not talking about embittered single people – I mean everyone, from the people who've been married for decades to the twelve-year-old that hasn't yet dated. Talk about an established relationship, and we all start making dire predictions:

“When the honeymoon's over...” “Sure, he seems great now, but give it time, and all those things you love about him will be annoying habits you wish he'd break!” “The old ball and chain...” “When the magic wears off...” “I give them two years...” “When the infatuation wears off, that's when the real work begins!” “A good relationship is hard work.”

Gee, seems like fun! While most of these admonitions are probably designed to keep someone's head on their shoulders and their feet on the ground, in reality I've met a whole bunch of people who get into a good relationship and constantly wait for the other shoe to drop. When does the “real work” begin? Here's a habit I find mildly annoying... will it drive me insane ten years down the road?

I'm just another person, with just another opinion, but here's my take: the real work is finding, and recognizing, that great person. Will they be perfect? No – no human being is. And that's okay – you're not perfect either. Every person will do something that grates on you once in awhile. If your person's annoying tendencies are occasional, or just plain livable (ie, you can cope with squeezing from the middle of the toothpaste, you can't live with a racist), well then, there's no real problem. Any annoyance can be discussed with good communication.

Another random tip? Stay out of the sections of greeting card stores that basically do nothing but bash the opposite sex or the significant other. Some sitcoms do a pretty good job of this too. Once we stop thinking that genders come from different planets, we become a lot more willing to listen and figure out solutions.

In my opinion, a good relationship shouldn't be hard work. It takes maintenance – that is, constant communication, but is that really all that bad? Your significant other is the one you turn to when the rest of the world is rough; they're not the opposing team. And maybe it's possible, if you find the right person, the other shoe won't drop – ever.

One of the hardest parts of dating is the gamble that it might not work. To a certain extent, dating is a numbers game; it's unlikely that every single date will work out and lead to a happily ever after (and if it did, I'd be asking you why you continue to go on new dates!). We address this concern in popular culture; we try to make it obvious that not every date, or even every relationship, will work out – I know I've seen more than my share of merchandise with “cute” sayings about kissing many frogs before you meet a prince. Still, the knowledge that it's just “part of dating” doesn't take the sting out.

But maybe it shouldn't. Maybe we shouldn't try to immunize ourselves from the emotions brought about by meeting new people, people that could potentially be lifelong friends or more. Because if you're going to put yourself through dating, with all its ups and downs, why go halfway? Do you want to be caught with one foot out the door when you actually meet someone worthwhile?

Or perhaps the question should be: if you're not completely present, mind, body and soul, at a first date, will you even recognize a good thing if you see it? Imagine: you're someone who's had a fair amount of unsuccessful relationships, and even more unsuccessful first dates. Will you be spending your time listening to your date, determining if you really are compatible? Or, perhaps, you'll be trying to figure out what's “wrong” with your date before you're caught unawares. The slightest imperfections in your date become magnified, so that in case things go wrong you can tell yourself, “Well, I could never be with someone with such a large forehead, anyway.”

Taking the latter approach might save your feelings in the short run – but have you really come out ahead? What if there actually was nothing “wrong” with your date? What if you become so concerned about protecting your heart that you miss a chance to share it?

So maybe not all first dates and relationships work out. Maybe there's a sting every now and then – it's part of life. Don't let yourself become so numb that you miss out on something great.

When we're single, we spend a lot of time constructing an independent life. After all, no one wants to sit at home while they're waiting to find a significant other, right? So we fill up our social calendar with... everything else. We acquire a social life that does not need romance.

Then we meet someone. And to our shock and horror, we discover that the bustling social life, that shining example of independence that might have helped the person's attraction to you in the first place... it doesn't actually have room for romance. What do we do now? Some might ponder what rearranging their schedule might mean – are they rearranging their lives for someone else? Are they really that independent, then? Some might chuck the romance portion out altogether, deciding that, yes, they really are that independent, and really don't need romance.

And maybe they really are. But others may miss out on romance because they're simply too stubborn to allow a new person to disrupt their lives. See, imagine a significant other – one that you want to stay with forever, in one way or another. This is, quite literally, incorporating a new person into every aspect of your life, from your daily routine to your choices when you cook dinner. Sometimes it works smoothly; other times it's an adjustment. In any case, your life has moved from “single” to “party of two.” It is, literally, a different life.

Thinking for two instead of one is an adjustment, to be sure – but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. We don't have to lose ourselves when we make someone else important, and shuffling our social calendar a little doesn't mean we'll lose our sense of self. We shouldn't bide our time, treading water until we find someone; absolutely not. Still, when we do find someone, it's only polite to pencil them in.