Advice

Online dating is a unique world, governed by rules, etiquette, and an ethical code all its own. Every thriving online dater knows that the key to success is a combination of real-world dating knowledge with awareness and comprehension of the factors that make online dating a distinctive, one-of-a-kind experience. If you're finding it difficult to navigate this complex and complicated world, you're not alone! Follow these ten fundamental tenets, the 10 Commandments of Online Dating that every online dater should take as gospel, and before long your nascent love life will begin to blossom.

Commandment #1: Thou Shalt Upload A Photograph

Research has shown time and time again that profiles with pictures receive more views and more messages than profiles that do not feature pictures. Declining to include a photo sends all the wrong messages to potential dates - Are you intentionally concealing your identity? Are you embarrassed by your physical appearance? Does the profile even belong to a real person? Prove that you are honest, genuine, and confident, even if you're not a perfect 10, by posting a photo that is flattering but not Photoshopped beyond all recognition.

Commandment #2: Thou Shalt Stand Out From The Crowd

A memorable username, catchy headline, and funny profile go a long way online. Study other profiles before writing your own. You will quickly notice that certain phrases like "My friends and family are very important to me" and "I like having fun" are everywhere. But they don't express your individuality, they don't tell other members anything about you, and, worst of all, they're just plain boring! On the other hand, if you're witty, unique, creative, and engaging, interest in your profile will dramatically increase.

Commandment #3: Thou Shalt Keep The Skeletons In The Closet

There is a time and a place for discussing previous relationships and the sordid or traumatic details of your past - and your online dating profile definitely isn't it. Save the serious discussions for later on, when you're in a stable, committed relationship in which you feel comfortable and respected. We all have baggage, but opening up about it too early on will frighten potential suitors away.

Commandment #4: Thou Shalt Be Concerned With Your Safety

The majority of online daters are honest people who, like you, are looking for love with a compatible partner, but that doesn't mean that you can let your guard down completely. Don't give your personal information to anyone you do not fully trust, and only meet dates in public places. Rely on your gut instinct always, and cut off communication immediately with anyone who seems suspicious.

Commandment #5: Thou Shalt Be Honest Always

If you expect others to be honest with you, it is only fair that you are honest with them. Don't upload photos that are old, not you, or doctored. Don't lie about details like your weight, occupation, education level, income, or marital status. Don't pretend that you are looking for a long-term, monogamous relationship if you're only interested in casual dating. False information and misconceptions are not a solid foundation for a relationship.

We're halfway there! Continue on to "The 10 Commandments of Online Dating: Part II" for the final 5 decrees of online dating.

Let's say you're starting to become an old hand at this whole online dating thing. You've had your profile checked and proofread; you know to update it monthly to keep it fresh; you're smiling in a great, well-lit default picture. You're just positive your profile is as good as it can be, and you've got the etiquette of online dating down pat.

When you've invested so much time and effort into your online dating profile, it can be frustrating when you see people who are less skilled in the ways of profile creation. You might feel more like editing a profile than actually reading it! While it's good that you've become so confident in your own skills, you're treading on dangerous ground.

You see, on an online dating site you'll find people of all shapes and sizes, at different points in their lives... and at different points on the dating site learning curve. Everyone has to start somewhere. Sure, you know all the tips and tricks now, but would you have looked at your own profile when you first began?

This is not to say you should ignore your instincts and logic – if someone seems all wrong for you, they might well be. But if a person has a poorly constructed profile, or maybe just a few glitches here and there, try taking a look at the person behind the lack of proofreading. Sometimes a personality can shine through, even with a bad default picture or a rambling self-summary.

“But wait a minute,” you say. “I have had to work hard on my profile, and learn how to play the online dating game. Why should I expect any less of anyone else?” Well, ask yourself: when you were starting out, would you have liked someone to give you a break? Remember, you're looking for a partner, a best friend – not an editor.

Suppose you walked up to any two people and asked them how they wished to celebrate their birthdays. Do you think they would respond in the same way?

Most likely not. After all, many people use their birthdays as a day to have fun in a completely personal way. For example, some might want to have a big party. Some might prefer that others throw the party for them. One person might want to spend a quiet day with family, and still another would like a babysitter so they can go see a movie in happy solitude. None of these choices are 'right' or 'wrong'; they're simply a reflection of the personality of the birthday boy or girl.

So too is it when we enter into a relationship. So many people seem to think that their relationship – something entirely personal and individual to the couple – must follow certain rules and timelines. Even if consciously they realize that it's silly to think that all relationships are alike, many still subconsciously expect things to happen in a certain order, a certain way.

After all, how many times have we raised our eyebrows at news of an elopement? Or been surprised that a couple chooses to marry after knowing each other only a few weeks, or living on opposite sides of the world? Maybe we've met someone in a relationship with more than two people. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes, just like people.

As you enter into a relationship, take the birthday approach – do what's right for you and your partner. At the end of the day, only the people in the relationship are the ones who need to have input. Don't dwell over whether you should have gotten an engagement ring by now, or what others would say if they knew you spent your anniversary at a bowling alley or that you went on five dates before kissing. Is your relationship happy and healthy? That's all you need to worry about.

We are living in a politically polarized society, and many daters are finding it hard to compromise if someone's political or social viewpoints differ from their own. How much importance should you place on your political compatibility, and at what point do differences become a deal-breaker in the relationship?

Following are some guidelines to determine whether a relationship has a chance to grow, or if it would be better to cut your losses:

• Are your values the same? Many couples differ in political opinions, but their core values are similar. If you find yourselves voting for different political candidates and taking opposing sides on issues, this is not a problem if you both have similar personal values like raising children, fostering your relationship, and respecting each other's opinions.

• Are you tolerant of people whose viewpoints differ from yours? If you find that you are only able to interact with people whose opinions align with yours, you may have a tough time keeping any relationship going. Most people don't agree on everything, so it's important to keep an open mind. Even when you feel passionately about an issue, if you're not being tolerant of your date's opinions, it will be a relationship deal-breaker.

• Is your partner tolerant of your differences? If you are willing to listen and allow your partner to have his differing political opinions, then he should be just as respectful of yours. If you are with someone who wants you to change for him, this is a deal-breaker. Tolerance, respect and understanding are all keys to a good, healthy relationship.

• Do you respect each other's opinions? If you end up in a screaming match every time you attempt to talk about an issue or the latest news report, you may want to reconsider dating each other. Respect for each other's opinions means listening as well as talking. Also, don't try to change your significant other's stance. In this case, agreeing to disagree is the best way to go. If you can't, move on.

Everyone has a dealbreaker – that something that allows them to walk away from a relationship without a second glance. Maybe it's smoking, maybe it's drugs. There's probably someone who will refuse to date anyone that belongs to any given religion or political party, or who owns any animal. Maybe it's a quality that can be a little harder to determine at first glance, like bigotry.

Sometimes, however, our supposed dealbreakers can be a little more shallow. I can remember a time when I used to say, “I don't think I could ever be with someone who was completely tone-deaf. I think I would go crazy.” Thankfully, I never had to actually give up a relationship because of my declaration. But what if I had?

The fact of the matter is, no matter how much we think we know what we want, we have no idea what sort of package will contain a great match until it arrives. So why limit ourselves to silly ultimatums like, “She can't be a vegetarian” or “He can't like country music”?

I have a feeling that if I met a guy who was wonderful in almost every way I could think of, but couldn't carry a tune to save his life, I'd find a way to get past it. In fact, I might even come to love his tone-deaf squawking, if I love him. Actually, aside from core personality issues like the aforementioned bigotry, I can't think of many things I couldn't get past, under the right circumstances.

As you go about constructing your online dating profile, bear this in mind. Sure, it can be easy to come up with superficial dealbreakers on the fly; you're constructing your dream match, after all. But just as the whole “must have green eyes” thing is probably negotiable, so too are most of the dealbreakers. Be careful when you're actually putting your thoughts out there. A great person could be scared away because they think you'll never see past their 'dealbreaker' quality.

We all have something we'd like to change about ourselves. Maybe we have several somethings we'd like to change: our weight, that haircut that's growing out so slowly. Maybe it goes a little deeper, like we wish we were more brave and could try something new. That's okay; no one's perfect. But when it comes to your online dating profile, there's one large no-no: never apologize for who you are.

That's not to say you should brag about how wonderful you are (well, maybe just a little). But if there's something you're planning on changing – so much so that you want to bring it up on your profile – bring it up on your own terms. Don't be apologetic about it. Don't say, “I know I'm a little chubby, but I'm trying to work on that.” Try something like, “Recently I've joined a gym, and it feels great to have a healthier routine.” Instead of saying, “Trying new things is difficult for me, but I'm doing my best,” say, “Last month I joined a pottery class. I was nervous at first, but it's proven to be quite fun!”

The reader should be attracted to who you are, not who you promise you will be. And the first step in that direction is confidence about who you are, right now. Maybe you're not quite where you'd like to be, but that doesn't mean you're not good enough.

And remember: we are always pickier about ourselves – more often than not something that seems huge to us is much less significant to others. I once had a friend who was so keen to pick out a new picture for his profile now that he had lost 70 pounds. We went through his photos, and he realized two things: first, that it doesn't matter if you're thinner if you're scowling at the camera – a bad picture is a bad picture, and secondly, that his weight only affected his face minimally to begin with. Sure, he was much healthier now that he'd lost the weight, but it didn't affect how he looked in pictures all that much.

So when you're working on your online dating profile, be confident about who you are, not who you will become. Maybe actively working on things you want to change will be a confidence boost, like my friend and his weight. Still, ultimately, you need to be happy with yourself, faults and all. Everyone has them, and the person who ultimately falls in love with you will love you for the entire package, not just one aspect. Why can't you love yourself as well?