Advice

The other day I saw a an profile from a woman who was clearly self-conscious about her age. She made several jokes about it. Then, she made a “cougar” joke. The only problem? She clearly had the wrong idea about what a “cougar” even was – she thought it was more like a female predator, preying on school-age boys. The joke fell painfully flat, and worse, using a piece of slang incorrectly wound up dating her more than the self-conscious references to her age.

Here's the thing: the worlds of pop culture and the Internet are fast-paced, with jokes and memes and slang constantly updating. Now, some people using online dating sites are well-steeped in that world, and have no trouble mastering the funniest and most up-to-date references. And others, well, maybe their job doesn't utilize a computer, and they only have time to hop on for a few minutes a day, or don't watch much TV. That doesn't mean they aren't allowed to find love online; they simply might want to be a little more careful when they start throwing around in-jokes, or have a friend proofread them.

And what does this really boil down to? Being yourself. If you're not naturally a comedian, you don't need to try to be funny in every sentence. You don't have to be “hip” or “cool” for someone to fall in love with you. You don't need to be glamorous to be attractive.

In fact, if you're trying to be someone you're not, you're probably not attracting the sort of people who are compatible with you in the long term. Thus, you're wasting everyone's time, including your own. Do you really want to spend time trying to conform to what you think others want, or would that energy be better spent searching for someone who will really make you happy?

In short, you don't need to be an expert in what's hot at the moment; just be an expert at your own strengths. A profile is designed to promote not the latest trend, but you – so don't confuse the issue with false advertising.

You probably weren't surprised to discover that the human face is incredibly expressive, or that a person's hands and arms can serve as methods of nonverbal communication, but you might be more surprised to hear that the lower body can also provide valuable information about someone's subconscious needs and emotions.

That's right, folks, your feet are good for more than just tapping when you're impatient, and your legs are good for more than just supporting your bodyweight. Let's jump (another thing your legs and feet are good for!) right in to today's lesson...

Foot Position: The direction in which a person's feet face, regardless of whether they're sitting or standing, indicates interest. If you notice that your date's feet point directly towards you, their body is sending the unspoken message that they're attracted to you. If your date's feet point away, they are wishing they could escape.

Leg Position: The position of a person's legs reveals the strength of their self-confidence. People who are not confident attempt to make themselves as small as possible, and will cross their legs to indicate that they feel shy or defensive. Constantly shifting weight or changing position is another sign that someone is uncomfortable with the situation they are in. In contrast to those with low self-esteem, person with a high level of self-assurance will stand or sit with their legs spread wide, taking up as much space as possible. A comfortable stance with the legs at shoulder width suggests that a person is relaxed, at ease, and content.

Body Angle: When we are interested in, or feel a connection with, someone, we face them directly and lean slightly towards them. When we are uncomfortable around someone, we lean away from them, stand sideways, turn our backs to them. Keep an eye out for clusters of body language signals: if your date faces you directly with their shoulders, hips, and feet, relaxes their arms, and opens their hands to expose their palms, they are creating a direct line of communication between your bodies that is a very strong indication that they are into you.

To project confidence and avoid seeming needy, your best bet is to combine positive and negative body language. Exhibiting too much negative body language has obvious undesirable effects, but constantly showing positive body language can be disastrous too. Overdosing on positive body language implies that you have low self-esteem and need validation from others, and hints that neediness and dependency will likely be factors in a relationship. Encourage intrigue and keep up an air of mystery by monitoring your body language and regularly changing the messages it sends.

Recently I visited Las Vegas. While I was there, some friends of mine decided to play a game where they attempted to scan the crowd and identify, shall we say, escorts. It proved to be more difficult than they had thought, as many people get dressed in their “party clothes” in Vegas.

I noticed, however, that my friends relied heavily on stereotypes and snap judgments as they made their assumptions. “He seems old enough to be her grandfather.” “Those two just don't 'match' in attractiveness.” “I can't imagine what those two have in common, so there must be something else going on there.”

It makes me wonder how many of those same snap judgments make their way into our own lives, our own relationships. How often do we choose not to email or talk to someone because we think they might be out of our league? How often do we pass someone by because we think they're too old or too young? Perhaps the very reason my friends formed their stereotypes – “these two just don't go together” – is simply because we all reinforce those notions in our own actions, every day.

The next time you're perusing online profiles, think about emailing just one person who falls out of your personal box. It doesn't have to be someone completely out of left field (but then again, why not?). Try expanding the age range in your search, or just emailing the one that has you on the fence every time. Who knows what might come of it?

In the meantime, I know I'll bear in mind that every relationship out there is unique. Forming snap judgments – assuming everything will look just like it does in the movies – is exactly why it can be so difficult to recognize potential love when we stumble across it. Perhaps if we keep our eyes open just a little wider, we'll find new opportunities.

Even if it happened all the way back in kindergarten, chances are most of us have had a friendship that began solely because someone was bold enough to come up to us and ask directly: “Want to be friends?”

It might be easy, now, to look back at that time and think, “Ah, for things to be that simple once again. If only someone would come up to me right now and ask me for a date – but things are more complicated in the world of adults.”

However, on many levels it really is that simple. In any relationship, be it friendship or something more romantic, someone usually has to get the ball rolling – start that first conversation, send that first email, ask for that first drink outside of work or school or the grocery store. And maybe we'll luck out and the person best suited for us is still the bold one, so we won't have to step outside our comfort zone. But maybe the most compatible person for you isn't the sort of person who marches up and asks to be friends. And maybe you aren't either. What to do?

The answer, simply, is this: you might have to step up to the plate and do something that's hard for you. Maybe you'd like to wait for your dream person to email you first. Well, that might work – or maybe you'll have to find them. Maybe it means emailing lots of people, because you might not be able to identify your dream person on sight. It can be hard. But maybe it's even harder for them.

I've come to have such admiration for the little kids who boldly find their new friends on their own. Does it simply not bother them, or do they have more courage than the rest of us? Later in school it was easier to have relationships form organically; you might sit in class with someone for days and get a feel for who they are before you ever have a conversation. I've always been a fan of that (perhaps sneakier) approach.

Once we move into the adult world, however, it seems we revert right back to the sandbox full of unknown children. We don't see compatible people every day at work; single people in a neighborhood don't naturally seek each other out the way kids on a block might. The adult world doesn't naturally foster relationships, so perhaps we should, on some level, revert back to sandbox behavior. So are you going to wait for someone to come up and ask to be friends, or are you going to seek them out yourself?

In parts one and two of this series, we talked about the importance of understanding how to interpret the body language of other people, why it's necessary to learn how to control the signals sent by your own body language, and what a person's head and face can tell you about the inner workings of their mind and their interest in you. Now it's time to continue our quest to understand the basics of body language from head to toe with a discussion of touch and the torso.

What can you learn about a person from their shoulders, arms, and hands? What does it mean if someone touches you? When is it appropriate to initiate physical contact with someone else?

Let's start with the first question. The position of someone's body is almost always a physical representation of their mental state. A person with crossed arms is mentally closed off, for example, while a person who keeps their arms at their side is indicating that they feel emotionally open. If you notice that a date is keeping their arms crossed, they are most likely shy, in a bad mood, or not interested in you. A date with relaxed arms, on the other hand, is indicating that they feel sociable, open to new experiences, and curious about you.

The body language of the hands can be read similarly: relaxed, open palms suggest that a person is feeling open and relaxed internally. Take note of the position of your date's hands to determine if they are comfortable around you, receptive to your advances, and open to exploring whatever possibilities your acquaintance might bring.

Another sign of attraction is the position of your date's shoulders. When we are interested in someone we face them directly and lean slightly in their direction, so if you want to indicate that you're into someone, face them with your shoulders back and your arms at your side, and lean in close.

Slouching, as your parents probably told you, is an extremely grave offense. Not only is it bad for your back, it is unattractive and is a sign of low self-esteem. Maintain proper posture at all times to project confidence, which is universally recognized as one of the most attractive traits for both men and women.

Touch is one of the strongest indicators of interest that you will encounter. When meeting someone you're attracted to for the first time, it's essential for physical contact to begin as soon as possible. I don't mean that you should start pawing a date the second you've exchanged names, but I do mean that you should initiate small physical contact like touching their arm when giving them a compliment right away. It builds rapport, and prevents your date from thinking that touching you is awkward or abnormal when the relationship escalates. Besides, is there a better way to cultivate attraction than to demonstrate just how wonderful it feels to be touched by you, even in a completely platonic way? You can also use touch to determine the level of your date's interest in you. If you touch them and their natural reaction is to touch you back, the attraction is mutual and you have permission to touch them more. When they begin to initiate physical contact, you'll know for sure that they're ready to take the relationship to the next level.

You’re Catholic, and have started dating an amazing guy who is Jewish. Although you always planned to settle down with another Catholic, you find yourself drawn to him and to the relationship. You want to make it work, because you want to be with him. But how do you compromise on something as significant as religious differences?

Compromise is essential in a relationship, but when it comes to religion, there’s a little more to consider. People’s traditions, values, and customs center around religious practices, so religion certainly has an influence on our love lives. So how do we decide what to do?

First, it’s important to assess how religious you are and what you’re willing to compromise. If you don’t attend service regularly and are more flexible in your practices, there is obviously more room for compromise. If religion is more important to you however, it’s important to assess where you can and cannot compromise and discuss your concerns with your partner.

Second, be open to learning about your partner’s religion. If you want to build mutual respect in the relationship, even if you don’t practice the same customs, it’s good to share with each other and learn. This is also a good way to understand similarities between religions as well as differences, which brings you closer in your relationship. And keep in mind, there’s nothing wrong with celebrating different holidays together!

Third, assess how you and your partner feel outside of your religious differences. Be willing to look beyond religion and see how you feel about each other in other aspects of your lives. Although important, religious differences can blind you to other significant factors in a relationship, such as mutual kindness, respect, and integrity. If your partner possesses qualities that are important to you in a relationship, they shouldn’t be overlooked because of religious differences.