Advice

For the final installment of the "Science Of Committment" series, let's take a look at one of the most pressing questions related to faithfulness: Can men and women learn to resist temptation, if they are not already capable of doing so? The phrase "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is thrown around a lot, but is it really true?

Science says: Maybe not. In one study designed to test men's ability to resist temptation, subjects in relationships were asked to envision accidentally running into an attractive woman on the street while their girlfriends were away. Some of the men were then asked to create a contingency plan by filling in the blank in the sentence "When she approaches me, I will _______ to protect my relationship." The rest of the men were not asked to do anything further.

A virtual reality game was then created to test the men's ability to remain faithful to their partners. In 2 of the 4 rooms in the game, the subjects were presented with subliminal images of an attractive woman. The men who had developed the contingency plan and practiced resisting temptation only gravitated towards those rooms 25% of the time. The men who had not, on the other hand, were drawn to the rooms with the subliminal images 62% of the time. Fidelity, it seems, can be a learned skill.

Sheer force of will in the face of temptation isn't the only thing that keeps couples together, however. Chemicals known as "the cuddle hormones," oxytocin and vasopressin, are partially responsible for commitment. Intimate relationships trigger their production, meaning that, to some degree, humans are biologically hardwired to stick together. Scientists also theorize that a person's level of commitment depends largely on how much their partner enhances their life and expands their horizons, a concept called "self-expansion" by Arthur Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook University. Aron and his research team believe that "couples who explore new places and try new things will tap into feelings of self-expansion, lifting their level of commitment."

To test this theory, couples were asked a series of questions like:

• How much does your partner provide a source of exciting experiences?
• How much has knowing your partner made you a better person?
• How much do you see your partner as a way to expand your own capabilities?

Experiments were also conducted that simulated self-expansion. Some couples were asked to complete mundane tasks, while other couples took part in a humorous exercise in which they were tied together and asked to crawl on mats while pushing a foam cylinder with their heads. The study was rigged so that each couple failed to complete the task within the time limit on the first two tries, but just barely made it within the limit on the third try, causing feelings of elation and celebration. When given a relationship test, the couples who had participated in the silly (but challenging) activity showed higher levels of love and relationship satisfaction than those who had not experienced victory together, findings that seem to confirm Aron's theory of self-expansion.

"We enter relationships because the other person becomes part of ourselves, and that expands us," Aron explained to The New York Times. "That's why people who fall in love stay up all night talking and it feels really exciting. We think couples can get some of that back by doing challenging and exciting things together."

Related Story: The Science Of Commitment, Part II

Falling in love is a great feeling. It’s what we all look for when we seek out a partner: that feeling of unbelievable chemistry and mutual attraction. Unfortunately, many women get carried away and tend to dive in emotionally, expecting an instant relationship.

Often before we get to really know a man, we let these strong feelings overtake us and give our hearts, minds, and exclusivity to the object of our affection. We imagine a blissful future together and what it would look like, instead of letting things progress one date at a time.

In my experience, falling hard and fast doesn’t make the long-term prospects of your relationship more promising. In fact, it often blinds us to red flags we may see upfront, but choose to ignore. What if he seems charming and romantic, but has no intention of having a real relationship?

Instead of jumping in headfirst and making yourself available to him whenever he calls, take it one date at a time and get to know this man who makes you feel wonderful. Romance fades over time, so it’s important to know what really bonds you together besides a sense of chemistry.

Instead, I advise women to keep their options open and continue dating other men. We tend to make the mistake of being emotionally exclusive right away, cutting off our options before we know the man feels the same way. Relationships are a two-way street. You want to ensure he has the same intentions before you make such important assumptions, no matter how good the chemistry.

Playing games is not the objective here. You do not want to date other men with the intention of making him jealous or making your social life seem exciting for his benefit. This is not about him, it’s about you and your long-term happiness. Doing things to “make” him want you usually result having the opposite effect. Instead, by dating different men, you will recognize better when you and the right man want to make a mutual commitment. After a few dates, you both may realize that you have a great relationship and want to date exclusively. Or you may see that the initial chemistry you felt was not enough, or that he doesn’t want to commit to you.

Either way, it’s nice to take things slowly and let the relationship progress on its own. This way, you can be sure to know and get what you truly want.

It’s easy to get carried away with excitement when you first step into the world of online dating. It used to be a major event when you say someone on the street who was in the same vague age bracket; now there’s dozens of possibilities at your fingertips, if not more. You thought you were the only person in town who had a particular hobby; now you’re thrilled to see that there’s many more - and they’re single to boot.

Even more exciting is when you happen upon a profile that seems like a real possibility - someone with common interests whose picture makes your heart beat a little faster. This person seems like a perfect match! You’re so interested that you conveniently miss the fact that the person is only looking for friends, or something short-term.

There’s nothing wrong with emailing someone who isn’t looking for the exact same thing you are; maybe you’ll develop a friendship. Maybe they’ll introduce you to yet another person with common interests, one with whom you have a real spark. There’s even the possibility that, despite the fact that they’re not looking for anything serious, something will develop anyway.

However, the mistake is assuming that the slight possibility that you’re “the one” is a guarantee. When you gloss over the wants and needs that they have specifically articulated - like, say, “I’m not looking for anything long-term” - you’re essentially saying you don’t respect your preferences. Not to mention the fact that it’s essentially arrogant to think you could change their mind; would you pursue someone of a different sexual orientation because you think they’ll just change their tune when it comes to you?

Granted, most people plunge ahead with first-contact emails anyway, not out of arrogance, but because they simply have high hopes. And again, it’s not terrible to strike up a simple conversation. However, don’t expect to get into a long-term relationship if that’s clearly not on the table (and, for that matter, don’t expect a fling when someone is clearly looking for a life partner). It’s fine to start up a friendship; just don’t be disappointed if that’s all you get.

You've been out on a couple of dates with a new guy, and you find yourself really attracted to him. Things are going well: he seems to be interested in you, too. But instead of feeling happy and excited, you are scared. What if he's not really interested? What if you end up getting bored with him? What if he snores, plays too many video games, or doesn't like your friends?

While it's easy to get caught up in the "what ifs", they can also sabotage your budding romance before it's even gotten a chance to bloom. Instead of giving in to your fears about how the relationship might go, try keeping an open mind and being positive. You really don't know how each relationship will play out, and perhaps you're fearful of this guy actually being "the one". Instead of playing into your fears and self-sabotaging, try taking things one step at a time. You're still getting to know him. You like spending time with him. Let go of all those doubts and try focusing and enjoying the present. Following are some tricks to keep you on track.

Remember: you aren't dating your past. Don't compare your new love to past relationships gone wrong. He is not your ex boyfriend. Let go of the fear of repeating yourself and get to know him before making quick judgments.

Turn off the critical chatter. My rule of thumb is, don't start critiquing someone who interests you until you've been out on at least six dates. We can always find things to complain or worry about, and this is our tendency as daters. Instead, try focusing on how he makes you feel, if you are excited to see him, and if he treats you with respect.

Don't second-guess his actions. If he opens the door for you, picks up the check, or calls you back immediately, don't second-guess his intentions. Likely he doesn't have ulterior motives, so don't assume he does. He's attracted to you. Enjoy the gestures!

Don't worry about what you don't know. A friend of mine started dating an older man, and after only two dates, was worried about introducing him to her young friends. She assumed that he would be dismissive of them, or that her friends would make fun of him. Instead of jumping to conclusions about how people will react, have some courage to wait and see what actually happens! You may be pleasantly surprised.

Also, I'll remind you that your friends and family aren't dating your love interest; you are. If he makes you happy, that's what's most important.

Last time, we talked about research conducted at Florida State University that studied the difference between how partnered men reacted to an attractive woman and how single men reacted to the same woman. The researchers found that the single men, as expected, found her most attractive during the most fertile stage of her menstrual cycle, while the men who were already in relationships found her least attractive during the same period of time. Their findings indicate that the brains of partnered men subconsciously override their natural impulses to be interested in attractive women in order to protect the relationships they are already in.

But what about the women? Do they show signs of the same subconscious brain function?

Heather Rupp, a neuroscientist at Indiana University, ran a similar study, to determine if sexual partner status affects a woman's interest in other men. 59 men and 56 women were asked to rate 510 photographs of opposite-sex faces. The participants ranged in age from 17 to 26, were heterosexual, and were asked to rate the pictures as quickly as possible, relying only on their "gut" reactions to each image. 21 women and 25 of the men reported having current sexual partners.

Rupp and her team found that both women with sexual partners and women without sexual partners showed little difference in their subjective ratings of the pictures when asked to consider factors like "masculinity" and "attractiveness." However, the women who did not have partners spent a larger amount of time evaluating the images, an indication that they had a greater interest in the subjects featured in them. The researchers believe that these results could indicate that women, in general, are relatively committed to their romantic relationships, and that this factor might influence women in a way that, like the men in the study at Florida State University, suppresses their interest in other potential partners.

Another study, led by John Lydon at McGill University in Montreal, confirmed these findings further. A group of men and women who were highly committed to their partners were asked to rate the attractiveness of people of the opposite sex in a series of pictures. The highest ratings, unsurprisingly, were given to the photographs of the people who would typically be considered attractive. But later, when the participants were shown similar pictures and told that the person featured in the image was interested in meeting them, the results changed. The participants consistently gave those pictures a lower rating than they had in the first portion of the study. "The more committed you are," Dr. Lydon explained to The New York Times, "the less attractive you find other people who threaten your relationship."

So what does that mean for monogamy? Is it actually a lot more realistic than many scientists seem to think? Be on the look out for "The Science of Monogamy," when we'll take a look at those exact questions...

Related Story: The Science Of Commitment, The Science Of Commitment, Part III

It’s been a long, cold, hard winter. But there’s a glimmer of light on the horizon; spring is on its way. We’ve passed Valentine’s Day, but now is the season for romance. Why? Simply put, we’re coming out of hibernation - at least, we should be.

For those looking to meet people the “old-fashioned” way, now is the time to get out in public and mingle. As the temperatures warm, people are leaving the warmth and isolation of their homes and congregating in the sun, be it at a park, a ball game, a flower show or an outdoor mall. Now is the season to be social - and unlike the winter holidays, there’s actually less social pressure. Instead of a holiday party where you’re expected to bring a date, in the spring and summer you can go to informal barbecues and impromptu Frisbee sessions. This season brings less formality and increased social options.

Those who prefer to stick with online dating sites can take advantage of the warmer weather as well. The sunny season provides interesting alternative first-date options - bird-watching, carnivals, badminton - that are more difficult to come by at other times of the year, when you’re confined indoors. And what better way to keep your profile fresh than to signify that you’ve embraced the warmer weather with open arms? Having a seasonal headline, a new default picture featuring the green of spring, or mentioning the outdoor activities you have planned are all easy ways to update your profile.

After spending a winter indoors, it can be easy to forget to get out in the fresh air. Making an effort to really enjoy the season has obvious benefits - mental, physical, and romantic. Why not take a cue from the birds and the bees?