Advice

When you’ve experienced heartbreak or rejection, it can make you all the more gun-shy about the next relationship you start. A friend of mine, Steve, has been nearly driving himself crazy with his worries about the girl he’s been dating. “Well, sure, things seem to be going well. But things seemed to be going well last time.” Though he’s one of the least superstitious people I know, Steve eyes the calendar with suspicion and fear as he nears the “deadline” - the length of time of his last relationship.

Steve isn’t the only person I know who worries about what tomorrow may bring. It’s tempting for all of us to want reassurance about how things will end - after all, why invest all this time, energy and love if they’ll end badly? If only I knew I would really be with this person forever, I could just relax...

However, like just about everything else in life, no one knows how their relationship story will end. And why is that so much harder to accept than the fact that we don’t know what the future will bring about anything? Some people might sit and ponder the end of the world, for example, but most go about their day-to-day lives with barely a thought about it. A job might not last forever. Neither might our health. But it seems silly to waste the moments of happiness worrying about what might happen years down the road, doesn’t it?

Now, this doesn’t mean that you should never think about the future, or plan accordingly. Pretty much every adult couple sits down and discusses the future at some point. However, I believe there is a certain amount of “day-to-day” thinking that has to occur in a relationship. Whether or not things will end tragically, enjoy what you have right now.

If you take your relationship day-by-day, focusing on maintaining your current level of happiness, those “deadlines” might just fly by without your notice. And remember: it’s far better to have a bank of happy memories than fear and worry.

I think it's safe to say that all daters have at one time or another "disappeared" from a relationship. For example, have you ever avoided phone calls or let texts go without response, hoping that the man or woman you went out with would get the hint that you're not interested and go away?

Unfortunately, this behavior can go both ways. I'm sure you've also dated people who you found very attractive, but after your first rendezvous they didn't return your calls and suddenly were MIA when you called to make plans for that second or third date.

You might feel cheated and angry when someone disappears on you for no apparent reason. It's frustrating, because you have no idea what happened. It can be hard to accept that they're not interested, especially when you felt strong chemistry or you ended up sleeping together. You may even make excuses for him. He must be busy with work, out of town, or gotten in some terrible accident to explain his mysterious behavior.

But when you do the disappearing, the man or woman you're refusing should get the hint, right?

Truth be told, this is what I like to call cowardly dating. I did a lot of it. I would rather disappear than have the hard conversation about not wanting to date someone. It was so much easier to let phone calls go to voicemail or tell him "work was crazy busy". Sooner or later, he'd get the hint.

Instead of doing another disappearing act on dates you'd rather not pursue, I'd advise having the courageous conversation. There's nothing wrong with letting someone know you're not interested. Most people prefer to know if there's no interest on your part; it saves them time and emotional investment.

Think about how it makes you feel when someone you're attracted to suddenly disappears. It's frustrating, but it's also a reminder that just because you have feelings for your date and want to see him again doesn't mean he feels the same. Even if you made out in his car before promising to call each other the next day. When your texts go unanswered, it's confusing. Maybe he had fun, but he isn't interested in dating you. If he isn't courageous enough to let you know directly, then move on, and remember to behave more courteously towards your dates.

So next time, own up to your feelings and behavior and you'll start attracting others who own up to theirs.

Every couple has their own “story,” their own eerie coincidences: “We lived on the same street for two years and I never met him!” or “If my car hadn’t broken down the same day hers had, we never would have met at the car dealership!” Hearing these stories, it’s easy to wonder: are there really “soul mates”? Are some people really “meant for each other”?

No one really knows for sure. However, though I like to hear about crazy coincidences as much as the next girl, I don’t actually think there’s only one person for everyone out there. More likely, there’s several potential good matches out there; maybe dozens, maybe even hundreds. However, in my opinion, that makes a good love story all the more special, or even - dare I say it - magical.

You see, I am a big fan of the concept of free will - that we can choose what we do with our lives. Now let’s think about the subject of commitment, and what it means. When you find someone you love, does that mean you no longer find anyone else attractive - even movie stars? Of course not. There are still attractive people out there, maybe even attractive opportunities. People in a committed relationship aren’t robots with blinders. However, when you make the decision to commit to only one person, you’re essentially saying, “I know what I could be missing - and I’m okay with that.” That’s a pretty powerful decision. Unless, of course, you believe in soul mates - then you’re just doing what you were fated to do. It sort of takes the gravity out of the decision, doesn’t it?

Another reason I choose not to believe in soul mates is that I like to believe that there’s hope for the people who have found themselves in heartbreaking circumstances. Maybe there’s some reason two perfectly in-love, compatible people can’t be together. Maybe a happy couple is torn apart due to death. I’d like to believe that you might have been perfectly happy in that first relationship - and that the possibility exists that you can be perfectly happy again. I’ve known widows who have gone on to have long and fulfilling second marriages - but that doesn’t diminish the love they shared with their first spouse. Why make them choose which one was their “true love”?

Finally, it makes the dating world seem a lot more manageable when you’re just trying to find a fantastic match, instead of The fantastic match. Maybe there’s someone in town. Maybe not. But chances are strong that there’s not only one good choice, and she lives in Singapore.

Then once you find someone to build a relationship, chances are strong that you’ll find those funny coincidences. It’s fun to wonder if maybe, somehow, you were destined to be together. But I find that love is magical and mysterious enough, just on its own.

60,000 people...11 days...21 of the world's top relationship experts.

On Valentine's Day 2011, Arielle Ford, author of The Soulmate Secret, and Claire Zammit, co-creator of the Calling in "The One" online course, hosted The Ultimate Soulmate Summit, a online teleseminar series they call "the most widely attended love manifestation event in history."

Leading experts in the fields of love, relationships, and attraction, like Dr. John Gray, Dr. Helen Fisher, and Christian Carter shared their advice on overcoming the barriers that prevent so many singles from attracting love and companionship into their lives. If you missed the cyberspace convention, Chicago Tribune contributor Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz offers a short recap of the presentations' highlights:

Day One: Dr. John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

Ladies: If you feel that the man you're dating is pulling away from you, don't react by chasing after him and asking where the relationship is going. Give him time by himself, and when he returns - of his own volition - your connection will be stronger than ever.

Day Two: Helen Fisher, anthropologist and Chemistry.com advisor

People can be divided into four personality types: explorers (adventurous and creative), builders (social and community-driven), directors (decisive and analytical), and negotiators (expressive and emotional). Explorers and builders prefer partners within the same category, while directors and negotiators are typically attracted to each other.

Day Three: Deborah Rozman, executive director of HeartMath

The heart's magnetic field is 5x more powerful than the brain's, and your heartbeat transmits your feelings to every cell in your body, so if you radiate more love into the electromagnetic field of your heart, and less doubt and blame, you will attract positive, healthy people into your life.

Day Four: Hale Dwoskin, author of The Sedona Method

Most people subconsciously sabotage their relationships by searching for things they don't like or find annoying about their significant others. Succumbing to past pain and disappointment leads to neediness and the false expectation that a relationship will make you feel "complete."

Day Five: Alison Armstrong, co-founder of PAX Programs

Always be your authentic self in relationships - do no try to mould yourself or your partner into "The One." Be clear about what you want in a relationship, and make sure your significant other shares that vision.

We'll continue with Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz's recaps of days 6-11, and advice from the likes of Evan Marc Katz, Lori Gottlieb, and the Summit's hosts, next time...

Our countdown of the top 5 reasons women stay with Mr. Wrong continues, with the final two reasons experts say many women find themselves trapped in unhealthy relationships:

4) She lets physical intimacy cloud her better judgement. Men have the bad reputation for putting sex above everything else, but women are far from innocent when it comes to this crime. Great sex is...well...great, and an important part of most romantic relationships, but it's not an excuse for remaining in a relationship that falls short in every other department. Sex releases oxytocin into your system, a hormone that's designed to create a powerful emotional bond between you and your partner, which means that fantastic sex can trick your brain into thinking you've found a fantastic partner even if he's a jerk. Other women feel shame or embarrassment if they think they became sexual with a new partner too quickly, and will turn the encounter into a relationship to make themselves feel less guilty even though the man is far from ideal relationship material.

5) She believes that his bad habits will change. This fairytale has been around for longer than Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty put together. It's been said a million times, but it never hurts to hear it again: 9 times out of 10, thinking that you can change someone will end in disappointment and heartbreak. You might be able to teach him to take the trash out when it gets full and put the toilet seat down when he's done, but that's probably where the power of your good influence ends. Major flaws and bad habits are here to stay, so your time, resources, and emotions are better used elsewhere.

If you're questioning whether or not leaving a relationship is the right course of action, it's time for some serious soul-searching. Ask yourself questions like:

• Do I feel like my partner is giving me as much love and attention as I am giving them? Does the responsibility fall entirely on me?
• Am I staying in this relationship out of genuine love, or simply because it's easy? Because it's a habit?
• If I could leave this relationship - with no negative consequences whatsoever - would I do it? Would I do it if I discovered that someone else I'm attracted to was interested in me?

Still don't know the answer to "Should I Stay Or Should I Go?" We'll look at a few more ways to help you determine the future of your relationship next time.

It’s not unusual to hear me say that if you’re going to enter the world of online dating, you’ve got to fully commit yourself to the process. Don’t just wait for potential matches to come to you; do some searching yourself! Send out several first-contact emails - and then send more to new people, whether it’s once a week or once a month! Don’t just let your profile stagnate! It’s easy to follow concrete advice about what to do; it’s harder for some, however, to engage yourself emotionally.

Some people have an incredibly difficult time allowing themselves to open up to others, or express how they feel. Does this mean there’s something wrong with them? Not necessarily; in many ways, society encourages closed-off feelings. We’ve all been told, in ways big and small, that emotions are for the weak, and stoicism is something to be admired. Think about the stereotype of the cowboy, for example: alone, frequently silent, closed off; and tough, strong, and heroic. Women are typically painted as being “more emotional” than men; historically they’ve been viewed as weaker, more fragile, as well. Even some of the words we use for emotional states - like “mushy” - are inherently weak.

However, if you’re looking to make a connection with someone, keeping a tight lid on your emotions can be more of a hindrance than an asset. Making the leap from “friendly acquaintance” to “deep friendship” takes a certain amount of mutual vulnerability. What can you do if you’re used to keeping it all inside?

Well, it’s not something that will change overnight. However, to get started, try thinking of your emotions as a muscle - one that, at the moment, is underused. A strong “emotional” muscle contributes to a healthy body. Thinking of emotion as something that contributes to a well-balanced whole, instead of something that needs to be hidden away, is a good first step.

And when it comes to forming new relationships, be prepared for the possibility - or eventuality - that you’ll need to open up emotionally. Can it be scary, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, taking a risk? Sure. But just like sending a first-contact email, it’s a risk that becomes worth it when it pays off. Why go halfway when it comes to love?