Advice

Like most things in life, dating has its ups and downs. The ups are exhilarating, uplifting, and blissful - the downs are disheartening, discouraging, and depressing. You can't rid your life of downs completely, but expert daters know that there are ways to convert the downs to ups as often as possible.

Here are 4 tips for enduring the downs and finding the ups in your dating life:

Enduring The Down: You had a great night - and you thought your date did too - but you never hear from them again.

Finding The Up: Take the experience for what it was - a fun night spent in good company, and nothing more. Who cares that your date didn't text you back? Appreciate the moment you shared, but respect that the date turned out differently for them than it did for you. As good as the night was, they probably just didn't feel the same chemistry with you that you felt with them, and that's ok.

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Enduring The Down: You sent a text message or left a voicemail, but you never got a response. Now you're worried that you said something wrong.

Finding The Up: Does it really matter what they think? It shouldn't. You did what felt right, and chose to express yourself in an honest, authentic way, and that's what matters most. Instead of reliving the message over and over again in your head, picking it apart in hopes of discovering where it all went wrong, be proud of yourself for taking the proactive step of leaving a message in the first place. Plenty of people wouldn't even have the guts to do that.

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Enduring The Down: A date didn't turn out the way you expected it to, and now you're torturing yourself about it.

Finding The Up: Abusing yourself is never the answer. What's done is done - there's nothing you can do to change a date once it's over, so stop worrying about it. Whining to your friends about it and mentally beating yourself up over something you can't do differently isn't healthy. Instead, cultivate optimism. A positive outlook won't just improve your mood in the short term - it will also make you more attractive to future dates.

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Enduring The Down: A bad date shatters your confidence.

Finding The Up: Everyone experiences rejection at some point in their life. One date that doesn't go to plan should not be enough to leave you feeling helpless and insecure. Why give one person that much power? Toughen up, don't take it personally, and reassure yourself that one person does not have the authority to determine your value. Then remind yourself that there are plenty of other interesting people out there, and go meet a few new prospects.

Nearly everyone wants to have a special someone, someone with whom they can share all the good and bad moments of life. While the majority of people are aware that what they’re searching for is a partner, a companion, a human being, a sad truth is that the search for a significant other often becomes more important than thinking about the actual person you want to find. And this dehumanizing of potential matches can occur even more easily in online dating.

In general, the world of dating tends to objectify everyone. We speak of the search for someone special in terms like “fishing” and “hunting.” We view everyone else as competition. We commonly use deception, whether it’s fudging our weight or our age, or wearing clothes, makeup and more to present a less-than-accurate version of our everyday self. Some even have specific, “scientific” rules for talking to someone they’re interested in, following a flow chart instead of the flow of conversation.

Online dating can take dehumanization one step further, if we’re not careful; since your first “meeting” is with an online profile, it becomes all the more easy to reject someone for a superficial flaw, or send a scathing rejection email without thinking of the person at the other end of the line. Writing a profile can become an exercise in getting as many responses as possible, instead of writing a profile that attracts someone who is compatible to you.

However, simply being aware of the tendency to objectify can stop all dehumanizing in its tracks. Remember that you’re looking for a best friend. A significant other is not a prize, or a present; it’s a relationship, an equal. You’re on the hunt for the best match for you, not punching the dating pool clock to get a reward for your time.

So as you sit down to check the status of your online dating profile, try not to think of success rates and ratios. How many new people have you met? How many personalities seem right for you? It’s often when you’re not focused on the numbers that true success creeps up on you.

Scientific studies and Jason Goldman have provided us with several strange pieces of advice so far, like sweet nothings should be uttered in the right ear whenever possible, playing Marvin Gaye might actually increase your chances of getting it on, and hitting the slopes with your sweetie might not be the best idea for a date unless you plan to spend your time sitting around the fireplace in the lodge with your hands wrapped around steaming cups of hot chocolate.

What other pearls of wisdom does science have in store for singles?

• Scaring a date - and I don't mean by answering the door in curlers and striped footie pajamas - might increase attraction. Psychologists at the University of British Columbia studied attraction by asking participants to cross one of two bridges spanning a local river: either one with handrails that appeared well-made and solid, or a dangerous-looking suspension bridge that swayed and tilted as it was crossed. An attractive female experimenter waited for participants on the other side of the bridge and asked them to complete a few questionnaires. Men who crossed the fear-inducing bridge were more likely to attempt further contact with the experimenter than men who crossed the other bridge. According to researchers, these findings were the result of the symptoms of anxiety-induced physiological arousal (e.g. elevated heart rate) being misinterpreted as sexual attraction and desire. What this means for your love life: Replace boring dinner-and-a-movie dates with more death-defying outings, like parasailing and shark wrestling.
• Always keep them guessing. In a recent study, college-age women viewed the Facebook profiles of four fictitious male students who supposedly had viewed their profiles first, and had indicated whether they liked the women a lot, a little, or had provided ambiguous answers. The women preferred the men who supposedly liked them a lot over the men who allegedly liked them a little, but were most attracted to the men who had given ambiguous responses. What this means for your love life: Make like a burrito and keep things under wraps - a little mystery goes a long way.
• "Plenty of fish in the sea" might be too many ichthyes. Over 3,000 men and women participated in 84 speed-dating events of different sizes. At the smaller events, each individual had 15-23 mini dates over the course of the evening, while at the larger events each person met 24-31 singles. When participants indicated which of their speed dates they would like to see again, those who had attended larger events based their decisions on external characteristics like age and weight rather than the conversations they'd had. Those who had attended the smaller events, on the other hand, based their choices on characteristics, gleaned from conversation, that indicated compatibility (like occupation, education, and religious affiliation). This is not the only study that has found that people make wiser decisions when they have fewer options. What this means for your love life: Opt for the dating prix fixe, rather than the all-you-can-eat buffet.

Read the original article here.

For many single women, a quiet phone can be one of the most frustrating parts of dating. You finally meet a man you hit it off with on a first date. He asks you out again on another date, and then a third. Then he stops calling and texting, and makes no more plans with you. He seems to have disappeared. You wonder what you’ve done wrong, or ask why this keeps happening.

Most likely it’s not anything you’ve said or done, but your mindset. Let me explain.

Men tend to have a much more casual approach to dating and getting to know someone compared to women. If he feels attraction or chemistry on a first date, he will likely ask her out again. So, what is he thinking at this point?

He is getting to know you. He doesn’t have any expectations so early on. Men generally prefer to get to know a woman before thinking about being in a relationship. Do some men prefer to pursue right out of the gate? Yes, but generally this is sexually motivated and not an indication that he is emotionally pursuing anything long-term. It does not mean your relationship is headed towards a happily-ever-after.

For most men, relationships take time to build. In the beginning, they are likely dating other women while they are seeing you. This doesn’t mean that you have to compete for attention; this means that you should also continue dating other men. Even if you can’t stop thinking about him. Take a step back, and recognize that you are just getting to know him as well. You don’t know who he is after two or three dates, so you can’t make assumptions about where your relationship is headed, or his weekend plans.

If you find yourself getting emotionally invested in a man early on…i.e. you wait for his calls, you turn down plans from friends on the weekend hoping that you’ll go out with him, or you drop everything when he calls to get together, you’re being far too eager. He is not your boyfriend, and it’s unrealistic to put expectations on him about how quickly things should move forward.

Instead of being disappointed about everything he should be doing, try changing your mindset from the start. Make plans with others. Pursue dating your newest online matches. Allow your new relationship to progress naturally. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll already have other plans to keep yourself occupied and it won’t sting so much. And if it does work out, you’ll know soon enough, because he will tell you how he feels.

Bottom line: have patience and keep dating others. Just because he isn’t calling you back right away or texting you on a daily basis after a great first or second date doesn’t mean he isn’t interested. It means he’s just getting to know you, as you are getting to know him. Take your time and enjoy the experience.

Finding your perfect match is a complex process at the best of times, and with the flood of conflicting dating advice provided by television psychologists, dating coaches, and lovelorn singles in online forums, the search for love has become even more complicated.

Dating isn't an exact science and never will be - but scientists around the world are conducting research and gathering data to take as much mystery and confusion out of your love life as possible.

Enter Jason Goldman, a doctoral student in developmental psychology at the University of Southern California, who reviewed the results of 7 scientific inquiries into love and attraction in The Guardian earlier this year.

So what does science have to say about the quest for The One?

• Temperature can influence a date's assessment of your personality. A study found that participants who were holding a cup of hot tea were more likely to judge another person as having a "warmer" personality than participants who were asked to hold a cup of iced coffee. What this means for your love life: If you want a second date, it might be prudent to refrain from taking your sweetie to the local ice-skating rink or on a guided tour of your favorite gelato factory. Try glass blowing instead.
• The right ear is the right choice. Two Italian psychologists conducted a study in nightclubs in which an actress approached men and women and asked for a cigarette. Unsurprisingly, men were more likely to comply with her request than women...but more surprisingly, her request was granted more frequently when she spoke in a person's right ear rather than their left. What this means for your love life: Next time you feel the need to whisper sweet nothings in your honey's ear, make sure it's the right.
• Monitor the contents of your iTunes playlists. Psychologists in France played music for single women who thought they were waiting for the experiment to begin. Later, they interacted with a male participant while filling out a marketing survey. When the survey was complete, he asked for their phone numbers. Women who had been listening to romantic lyrics prior to the survey were more likely to give out their phone numbers than women who were listening to songs with neutral lyrics. What this means for your love life: The polka playlists have got to go.
• Red is most definitely the color of passion. A 2008 study at the University of Rochester found that women wearing red or posing in front of a red background were considered more attractive and more sexually desirable by male participants than women wearing other colors. A later study by the same researchers found that women also show a bias for men wearing red clothing, though neither gender is consciously aware of this preference. What this means for your love life: It's time to makeover your wardrobe and learn to make the most of your sunburns.

Three more tips from scientists studying love next time...

When you give or receive a gift, whether it’s from a significant other, someone you’ve just begun dating or a new friend, pay close attention. Not to the gift itself; granted, that will certainly be the result of some hard thought and it’s worthy of appreciation. However, looking at how the gift was given - the method of execution - can provide illuminating insights into the gift-giver.

Consider your own personal traditions. How do you deal with the winter holidays? Birthdays? Do you like total surprises, or something chosen from a specific list? Do you like to be the center of attention? Is there usually a meal associated with gift-giving holidays?

Chances are, many of your own personal traditions were formulated growing up, maybe from your family, or as a reaction against them. Now consider your partner; they have their own unique set of traditions, shaped by their own experiences, their own values.

When people select gifts for one another, they try to find something they think the recipient will like; that’s not surprising. What is interesting is that when someone tries to make a gift meaningful or special, they’ll look at their own values to make it so.

For example: someone who values homemade objects might make a homemade gift to show their affection. For someone else, it may be that a more expensive gift shows just how much they value the relationship. Maybe the gift is an elaborate surprise; it’s the time and the consideration in the planning that’s the real present. Observe your partner when they plan a gift for you or someone else; you just may be seeing a glimpse of what they truly value and appreciate.

Thus, the next time you receive a gift, look at more than what you literally hold in your hands. Was your partner trying to get a plan out of you for weeks? Did they bake you a cake, or make you a dinner? By observing what they find special, you’ll be able to make the next celebration special for them, too.