Advice

When a relationship ends or a date falls flat, it’s easy to be discouraged. You might find yourself thinking, “I have terrible taste in people,” or “That was a waste of time.” However, there’s no need to be discouraged! Just like any decision in life, you can learn something from every single date or relationship, no matter what the outcome.

A friend of mine, Katie, is a prime example. She’d always heard not to expect fireworks or love at first sight - which is entirely practical - and she decided to try dating someone for whom she felt no physical attraction, because she really liked his personality. Though there was nothing wrong with the man she dated, there was zero chemistry, and eventually they broke it off.

“It’s not that it was a terrible experience,” Katie says, “but it was that it wasted time for the both of us. I know relationships can grow, but in the future I’ll only date people for whom I at least feel the potential of attraction.”

Another friend, Steve, dated a woman who brought out the worst in him. “There was nothing wrong with her,” he said, “but she was a little clingy. And I learned that when I feel suffocated at all, I react against it and get even more cold and distant. It was a constant tug-of-war relationship.”

Steve used his newfound knowledge in his next relationship. “I learned that I really get along better with someone who’s fiercely independent,” he said. “I looked for that when I started dating again, and now I’m really happy!”

Even the most messy of breakups or boring first dates can have gems of knowledge in them. Whether you discover something about yourself, about what you want in a partner, or what you should avoid in the future, no relationship is truly a waste of time if you’ve learned something from it.

It’s like something out of a sitcom: Kelly has been emailing a man she met through an online dating site. So far, they’ve really hit it off. After they’d exchanged a few emails, the man mentioned while in an instant messaging conversation that he was an avid birdwatcher.

“Birdwatching? I love it,” Kelly typed, hitting enter before she could think further. See, the problem is, Kelly doesn’t know the first thing about birdwatching - she was just wrapped up with excitement about all the things they really did have in common. It was a tiny white lie - but unfortunately for Kelly, she chose to lie about exactly the wrong hobby. The man she’s been conversing with became incredibly excited about the notion that they share this hobby - and now Kelly doesn’t know how to get out of the pickle that her big mouth (fingers?) have put her in.

Lying is never conducive to any relationship, but it can be especially harmful in the world of online dating. There’s still a stigma when it comes to online dating - even if you’re posting completely honest photos and information, and in fact, are probably more honest than someone you’d meet down at a bar - there’s still an element of distrust because you’re not meeting face-to-face at first. Well-meaning friends and family who haven’t tried online dating only foster that suspicion by voicing their own fears and apprehensions.

As a result, people tend to be even more on the lookout for signs of dishonesty - and even a little white lie, which many might do at the beginning of a relationship, can put a fragile, growing relationship in jeopardy. So why run the risk? There’s no shame in admitting you’re inexperienced in a sport, or ignorant about an event in the news. Everyone already knows that they shouldn’t lie about their appearance, but few realize how often lying goes on in small talk when they’re trying to make a good impression.

Striving for total honesty helps far more than it hurts. And by being honest, if your budding relationship truly begins to bloom, you won’t have any embarrassing white lies to eventually untangle! Why not start a good habit now?

"Friends with benefits."

"No strings attached."

"Keeping it casual."

Whatever you call it, it's probably crossed your mind. But can it actually work, or is it just a plot device used in cheesy romantic comedies churned out by the Hollywood machine?

In Part I, we talked about a few of the pros and cons of FwB arrangements, and I shared my opinion that yes, it can happen, though I can't guarantee that it will always be easy. Now lets take a closer look at FwB relationships, at the nitty-gritty details of exactly what it takes to make them work:

1. Be honest. This is first on the list because it's the most important. If you want an FwB arrangement to work out, all parties involved must be honest and straightforward from the outset. Be completely upfront about what you want (and what you don't) and what your feelings are, so that no awkward surprises are waiting around the corner. If you're considering the relationship because you're hoping it will evolve into something more, don't get involved. It's rare that an FwB situation turns into a more serious relationship, so don't put yourself through the unnecessary heartache of wanting it to.
2. Know thyself. The honesty policy extends to your own mind as well. Know exactly what you want out of the relationship, and exactly what you don't want. When you've defined the relationship for yourself, communicate your needs clearly, and have the courage to say "no" when you know that an FwB arrangement won't work for you.
3. Evaluate with a critical eye. Things can change (sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse), so take stock of your FwB arrangement on a regular basis. Be aware of what's going on in the relationship, notice the ways in which it changes, and adapt accordingly. If it appears that both of you are taking it more seriously, move forward together. If it becomes apparent that one person is developing feelings while the other is not, take initiative and end the relationship.
4. Go with your gut. There are almost never right or wrong answers when it comes to romantic and sexual entanglements - relationships are all about intuition. Trust that you know what's best for you, and follow your heart.

And lastly, remember to put the friendship first. It's in the name - a friends with benefits arrangement would be nothing without the friendship in the first place. Asking someone to take things to the next level - but not quite all the way - can lead to misunderstandings, complications, hurt feelings, and, worst-case scenario, the end of a friendship. The best way to avoid disaster is to put the friendship first, and err on the side of caution if you think that taking things further will jeopardize it.

Have you ever planted a garden? It’s not as simple as tossing a handful of seeds into the ground and walking away. A garden must be carefully tended, with water and fertilizer. Your must ensure that your plants aren’t being choked by weeds. And despite your best efforts, the outcome is always unpredictable, as changeable as the weather.

The world of online dating shares more than a few of these traits. Thinking of your profile as a garden could, in fact, help your online profile blossom into a great first impression.

First, remember that a profile must be maintained - not with plant food and water, but with careful updating. Are your pictures out-of-date? Are you “looking forward” to seeing movies that came out two years ago? Are you talking about the cold and the snow when it’s July? This doesn’t mean you should only stick to information that won’t go out-of-fate; keeping your profile current and updated shows that you haven’t just tossed up a profile and walked away. However, it’s important that you don’t let your profile wither on the vine.

Even more important than maintenance is editing. Perhaps you have several witty, interesting things to say - but it’s nearly impossible to find them in your profile. They’re being choked by the weeds of white noise and uninteresting, dry information. Remember - less is almost always more. Pull out anything that’s not interesting or funny - you’ll have plenty of time to cover the dry stuff later. In the meantime, you want your best aspects to shine through and blossom.

Perhaps you’ve done everything you can on your profile - it’s funny, it’s entertaining, it’s honest - but you still aren’t getting many responses or finding many people you’re interested in. To put it simply, you’re in a dating drought. Sadly, it happens, despite our best efforts. Maybe there just aren’t many compatible people on your site at the moment, or maybe you need to broaden your search parameters. The good news is that the rain will eventually come, if not on your ideal schedule.

Earth and flowers may be as far from the world of online dating as you can get, but that doesn’t mean you can’t glean some wisdom from the gardening. Like gardening, dating is a test of patience, faith, and hope - and like online dating, the rewards are more than worth it.

The world of romance is fraught with drama. People are especially passionate, and hormones and brain chemicals are running high; it’s not uncommon to find yourself in a heated argument, or call everything off in one snap decision. It’s also not uncommon to change your mind later and get back together. But the decision to get back together with an ex is a loaded one. How do you know when you’re just having a bump in the romance road, and when you’re repeating past mistakes?

Maybe you can’t ever be one hundred percent certain about the future, but you can at least logically review your relationship. First, consider why you split in the first place. Was infidelity involved? Had you grown apart? Was it just a heated decision in the middle of a fight?

Next, analyze the possibility that things have changed. Has your ex demonstrably changed their behavior? Are you in a different place in your life? Have outside stressors - like school or work - faded away?

Then it’s time to review the strength of your original relationship. Do you think you can work past whatever problems you may have had? Was it a good enough relationship that it’s worth giving it another shot?

Finally, consider your gut instinct. Are you hopelessly fond of your ex, or are you just turning to something predictable and safe? It might not hurt to talk to friends and family - granted, they can be a bit biased against exes, because they’re usually there consoling you after a breakup. However, a little outside perspective never hurts, and sometimes they can remind you exactly why you broke up in the first place. Try not to get defensive if a little ex-bashing goes on - it’s simply no one wants to see you hurt. If your gut instinct is still to get back together even after discussing it with others, you might just have a shot at making things work.

It can be difficult to tell the difference between a relationship that’s doomed to fail, and one that simply has a little conflict on the way to its happily ever after. If you’re considering getting back together with an ex, just remember: the dating pool is much wider than you think it is, and an ex is never the “only” option. However, if you truly feel your ex is the only option for you... you might just be right! Good luck, and keep using the tried-and-true combo of logic and instinct.

When it comes to dating, one question that seems a bit elusive to most daters is: who should pay? Is it the man's responsibility, the woman's, or should they split the difference? What about the first date compared to say, the fifth date? We all know that expenses can add up, so should only one person be responsible?

Traditionally, men have done the asking, planning and paying when it comes to dating. While some women still expect this kind of chivalrous treatment from their dates, it is no longer the norm. According to recent studies, most women do offer to pay when they are on a date, even a first date, and often they do the asking and/or planning as well.

But the politics of paying for a date turns out to be much more complicated. For example, if you let your date pay, will he think you're expecting him to wine and dine you? Or will he think you have more traditional expectations about relationships? On the other hand, if you offer to pay, does this send a statement that your feelings are more platonic than romantic? Or does it show your generosity?

To me, dating is all about understanding different perspectives. We'd like to think that everyone feels the same way we do, or they should if we're going to date them. If they don't it's a deal-breaker. But the thing is, nobody is a mind reader. We can't assume things when we're dating.

My general rule of thumb is this: whoever does the asking, does the paying.

If you plan the date, then expect to pay for it, no matter your gender. This is regardless of whether it's the first date or the tenth date. Remember, you don't have to worry about trying to impress someone by taking her to the most expensive restaurant. In this economy, most daters don't expect it.

When you plan, it allows you the freedom to choose the place you want to go that is within your budget. It also allows you to be creative. What's wrong with a walk in the park and a picnic, especially in the summer?

Most importantly, if you've been on three or four dates with someone you're interested in and he has paid each time, make sure you trade off. Ask him out and pick up the tab. Resentment can build easily if he is doing all of the work with no reciprocity. How can that conjure romantic feelings? By the same token, don't insist on paying all the time. Let the other person show her interest and take the lead.

Remember, dating requires mutual respect and consideration, no matter who grabs the check.