Communication

When writing an online dating profile, it can be easy to become anxious. Most of what we focus on is what we can control - how we’re coming across in this sentence or with this picture. Sure, there’s not a lot we can control when it comes to the chemistry between two people, but we focus on making the best first impression we can.

The problem is, though the approach is logical, we wind up placing a lot of emphasis on the judgement of others, rather than whether we’re really looking for a connection with another person. In fact, we can put so much weight on whether the reader is interested in our profile that we don’t always wonder whether we’re even interested in them!

Sometimes filling out a profile and going on a first date can feel similar to a job application and interview. It’s important to remember that it’s not the same thing. If any “interviewing” is taking place, it’s mutual (actually, that’s not a bad thought on a job interview, either). If you view a relationship as a power struggle, or inherently imbalanced, you’re likely getting off on the wrong foot.

Instead of focusing on whether our appearance is perfect, our profile is flawless, or whether we make the best “first date,” perhaps we ought to remember why we’re dating in the first place: to find someone with whom we feel comfortable, “ourselves,” and whose company we genuinely enjoy.

It doesn’t hurt to remember that while we’re checking out the profiles of others, either. When you’re actively aware that you’re searching for a “new best friend,” as it were, it seems a little sillier to quibble over an inch in height or a year in age. It’s easier to find a solid match when you’re viewing a list of profiles with that goal in mind, and not like a row of dolls in a toy store.

Sure, it can be exciting and intoxicating to consider the potential romance that may await you. And when it comes to our own behavior, it’s easy to slip into a competitive, perfectionist mode. But before you become distracted by such tangents, ask yourself: are any of those qualities useful when it comes to finding real compatibility?

It’s funny: when we think about romance in our everyday lives, we tend to think in concrete terms, like, “maybe I’ll meet someone nice while I’m at this party.” When we think about online dating, we begin to fantasize: “Maybe I’ll meet my ideal image of a perfect date.”

It’s unclear why we jump to such extremes, but it probably has to do with the fact that media depictions of online dating are pretty extreme: online dates are usually either terrible or wonderful. Often, they’re absolutely awful until the protagonist meets that perfect match. One doesn’t often see a more accurate depiction: people who are perfectly nice human beings, maybe even attractive, but simply lacking that spark of chemistry.

It’s a good idea to analyze your expectations: are you falling into the beauty-or-beast trap? Falling into this trap can actually affect your dating experience. Consider: if you’re expecting everyone to be either beastly or your ideal, you don’t quite know what to do with those who fall somewhere in the middle. As such, you risk erring on either side: on the one hand, you might be so pleasantly surprised that your date is not an ogre that you agree to more dates, even though you’re ultimately not compatible. Or, even worse, you might overlook someone who does have relationship potential because you weren’t falling out of your chair at the sight of them.

In either case, you would have been better served if you had realistic expectations and confidence in knowing your own priorities. You would know to trust your gut if, ultimately, you’re not feeling that spark of a connection, even at the end of a night. Conversely, you might also be willing to open up and get past the wow-factor of a first impression. Because you’re prepared for a gray area in your dating prospects, you’re able to give the matter serious consideration, instead of trying to shoehorn your dates into Angel and Devil boxes.

You’re also more able to view your dates as real people, rather than caricatures: you’re not just adding to your collection of “terrible first date” anecdotes, or building a cutesy “how we met” tale. Real life is often far more nuanced than fiction, and being prepared for the former allows you to enjoy that distinction.

So as you take on the world of online dating, ask yourself: are you expecting either a beauty or a beast? Or are you prepared to meet real people who are far more interesting than either?

It can be tough to get back on the dating horse after a relationship tumble. For many, online dating is a way to ease back in slowly. Since you’re just perusing profiles, not approaching people in person, you can move at your own pace, without risk of rejection.

However, once you start to send first-contact emails, you’re back in the world of contact with humans once again. And while many still find online dating to be easier in terms of rejection, there’s a certain amount of “toughening up” you might want to prepare for.

Etiquette is slightly different on online dating websites. Whereas in person you’re expected to give a polite, thoughtful response no matter what your level of attraction, it’s not uncommon in online dating for your potential match to suddenly disappear or break off contact without warning. No, they probably haven’t been abducted by aliens or moved into Witness Protection - they’ve just decided they’re not interested. Once you’re used to this cultural difference, you’re not likely not going to spend much time wondering what happened - after all, you’d never even met in person - but it’s still a form of rejection, and it can still sting, especially the first time.

Online dating is still mostly anonymous, and some choose to take advantage of that by forgetting their manners. While downright abusive emails are not unheard of, they’re not exactly common. Still, it isn’t unusual to come across any number of lesser remarks that are loaded with “blunt honesty” - comments on appearance, age, interests, and more. Again, for many such comments “come with the territory” and are so much water off a duck’s back; why should you care about a cowardly boor on the internet? But if you’re new to online dating, or especially new to the internet, it can be a bit of a shock.

So as you prepare to plunge into the dating pool, ask yourself honestly: are you ready to face rejection, even if it’s in the form of no response? Are you ready to ignore emails that might be out of line, or will you be genuinely hurt by the slightest criticism? There’s no shame in understanding your own limits. Online dating is meant to be more efficient and easier; if it would only be harder for you, there’s nothing wrong with waiting or looking elsewhere. On the other hand, sometimes knowledge is all we need to toughen our armor; being aware of the less polite aspects of online dating might be all you need to be prepared.

Everyone knows that being genuine in online dating is helpful; you want your potential match to be drawn to the real you, after all. But is it really necessary to pour your heart and soul out into a profile? More importantly, what should you be holding back?

We tend to place quite a lot of emphasis on writing our profile. It’s natural; it’s the one element of the dating process over which we have complete control. We can’t always control the first impression we make on a date; maybe we’re caught in a rainstorm on the way there, or we’re coming down with a cold so we’re foggy-brained and weak-smiling at best. An online profile, on the other hand, can be meticulously constructed so that the reader sees us at our very best.

But ultimately, the profile is just a way to assess whether we want to send a first-contact email to someone. And the response to the first-contact email isn’t a proclamation of love; again, we’re mostly just checking for red flags to see whether we want to meet in person. It’s in person that the real evaluating can begin. Profiles are helpful in assessing potential - and rest assured, many red flags can show themselves even in the simplest of profiles - but they ultimately aren’t that helpful in assessing chemistry.

So maybe you don’t really need to stress over your profile. It can be unnerving, leaving more up to that first date, where you have less control, but it’s focusing your energy in a more productive direction. In the meantime, you can control what information you do - or don’t - share.

Obviously, you don’t need to share your home address or physical work details - that’s just common sense in safety. What you might not consider is that you don’t have to share your favorite locations, either - the coffee shop you love or the park you visit daily. While it may feel comforting to be in your element on your first date, it’s not so comforting if the date doesn’t work out - and your non-match now has a new favorite spot.

You don’t have to share any details about your life that are particularly private or sensitive. Remember, you haven’t even met on a first date yet. If your potential match is encouraging you to get “close” before you’ve even met, it could be a red flag for a scammer (remember, the goal is to meet, not fall in love with a pen pal). Even if there’s no ill intent, it’s a waste of time and energy - you can share all that later when you’re sure there’s a connection in person.

You don’t have to add them to your social networks; in addition to the fact that there might be personal information there in the form of pictures, comments from friends, and so on, it’s just another tie you’ll have to sever if that first date doesn’t work out. Or a connection you’ll leave awkwardly open. Again, save it for later.

It can be exhilarating, corresponding with a potential match, forging a potential connection over a shared passion. It’s tempting to emotionally jump in with both feet before you’ve even met. But by being aware of what you can keep to yourself, you might keep your feet a little more anchored to the ground - and thus ready to spring in when you really do have an in-person connection.

Communication is the most important part of online dating. You might have great pictures and an amazing profile, but if you don't reach out to matches or respond to emails, then you're letting opportunities slip by.

Also, your approach is very important when you're online dating. Remember, these are people who don't know you. They might not understand your sense of humor, or your storytelling, or why you are obsessed with a particular video game. It's important to read over your emails and ask yourself, "would I date a total stranger who sent me this email?" before you hit send.

If you want more success with online dating, which means more in-person dates than you're getting now, it might be worth examining how you communicate with people online first. Following are some general rules for emailing your matches:

Respond quickly. It' important to check in with your online dating site every day, even if it's just for ten minutes. If someone emails you, they typically don't want to wait several days for a response or they just move on. Dating moves quickly, so don't get left behind.

Reach out to more people. Have you sent twenty emails this week? Then maybe you should double or triple the number. Online dating is definitely a numbers game unfortunately, and if you're emailing someone who gets a hundred emails a day in her inbox, then it's difficult to stand out. Don't be so selective - after all, you don't know these people, you only get a little information from a picture and profile. Their energy in person is usually what attracts you. So get to the date before you write someone off the list. Send more emails to more people.

Don't be generic. Many women get the same email from different guys, along the lines of "hey, sexy how are you?" If you want to get a woman's attention, don't compliment her looks or ask how she's doing. Instead, read her profile and craft your email with questions that relate. Better yet, in the subject line refer to something in her profile - it will make her much more likely to open your email than if you just say, "hello."

Check your spelling. Many online daters think this doesn't matter, but spelling and grammar are extremely important factors in online dating. These are also easy to check and fix with spellcheck and grammar tools. So don't be lazy and let this one slide. Proof your emails before you send them out.

Most daters are reluctant to reach out to someone of a different race on an online dating site, but will respond if they are approached first, according to a new study.

Although we think of ourselves as a post-racial society, the study showed clearly that the vast majority of online daters prefer to initiate contact with daters who share the same ethnic background. It seems most people feel comfortable dating, or at least reaching out to people with the same ethnic background. There's no clear data yet on why, though the assumption is that people expect to have less in common with others who don't share their heritage.

The data was different however, when daters were approached by someone outside their race. They were more likely to respond because someone else had reached out and said he/she was interested - in a sense, breaking the ice. Interestingly, these daters then would reciprocate - they were more likely to search and reach out to daters outside their race in future interactions. The lesson? It pays to make the first move.

Kevin Lewis, a researcher at University of California San Diego who headed the study told the New York Daily News, "We expect that someone from a different background wouldn't be interested in us. The willingness to reciprocate may tell us more about site users' 'real' preferences than their willingness to initiate contact."

The group most likely to initiate contact outside of their own race were white males. Asian women stood out too, as they were more willing to communicate with men outside of their race than within it. Once contacted by someone from another race, their exchanges went up 238%.

The study was published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, and researched over 126,000 OkCupid users to find out about their messaging preferences when it comes to dating outside of their race. They looked at messages sent between October and December of 2010. All identifying information related to OkCupid member messages was blocked, so that researchers only saw race, gender, and the timestamp of the messages in addition to the content.

Even though interracial marriages have increased significantly over the last 30 years according to the latest Pew research, with one in twelve marriages being mixed-race, we haven't known much about the behaviors and preferences of online daters and how many of them are open to dating outside of their race. This has been the first study to give insight to the early stages of a relationship in terms of race.