Advice

In the online dating world, we talk a lot about setting appropriate boundaries. Most of the time we focus on setting boundaries when you're writing your profile and when you're communicating with potential matches, so that you can interact with strangers online while still maintaining your safety. This time, let's talk about setting boundaries when you've moved beyond the initial flirtation stages and have entered a relationship with someone.

Setting boundaries goes way beyond saying "no" to sex before you're ready. Setting boundaries means having the courage to face the arguments, disappointment, and uncomfortable situations that may be the reaction when you assert yourself. Facing up to the tough stuff is exactly that - tough - but a relationship that isn't working for you is a relationship that isn't working at all. It's time to stop settling for less than what you want, by learning to ask for what you need.

Most of your boundaries will be unique to you and the kind of relationship you want, but some boundaries are healthy habits to develop in any relationship:

• Never say "yes" when you really mean "no." You may think that saying "yes" means that you're being agreeable in the name of compromise, but too many compromises will leave you feeling unfulfilled and unappreciated. Know the difference between a genuine compromise and an unhealthy toleration. Creating a meaningful, satisfying relationship requires you to 1) Understand that your needs are important and 2) Do what it takes to get those needs meet, even if it means saying "no."

• Don't tolerate behavior that upsets or annoys you. You are not perfect. Neither is your partner. It's unfair to expect that your partner will be everything that you want, every minute of every day. But some behaviors are the endearing quirks that define your partner and make you love them more, and some are offensive habits that you cannot live with over the long-term. If you are tired of always being the one who initiates contact, for example, set a boundary. If you can't stand that your partner always expects you to pick up the tab at restaurants, set a boundary. Issues like these need to be tackled because they are reflections of your deeper values. If your core values are not in sync with your partner's, you are not compatible.

• Do not put your life on hold for a partner. You are not responsible for accommodating someone else's needs and interests all the time. Do not constantly rearrange your schedule for someone else. Do not neglect family and friends because all of your time is devoted to your relationship. Do not put your passions aside in favor of adopting your partner's passions. Focus on your professional life, spend time with your friends, indulge in your interests and hobbies, follow your dreams. A partner who is truly a good match for you will support you in all of these things, and will want you to experience the happiness and growth that comes from pursuing the things that you find meaningful and gratifying.

Boundaries are not threats, punishments, or attempts to manipulate. Setting boundaries is a critical step in any long-term relationship. When you to treat yourself with respect, identify your needs, and actively ask for what you want, you will find a relationship that is functional, fun, and fulfilling.

So you’ve met someone who really seems nice on an online dating site, and you’ve set a date to meet. You’re looking forward to it - and then the unthinkable, worst-case scenario happens: you start to feel sick. Your nose gets stuffy and you feel like you’ve been run over by a truck. Your stomach is roiling and you think dinner may lead to a more ‘revealing’ time than you’d ever like. Sure, you’d like to call off your date, but what if they think you’re just making excuses?

First and foremost, if it’s nondescript nausea we’re talking about, take careful inventory of your body. Is this possibly a bad case of nerves? The nervous brain can trick the body with very real symptoms. However, even with something a symptom as straightforward as nausea, you can usually feel the difference between nerves, bad food, and the flu. There’s nothing wrong with being sick; just make sure you’re being honest with yourself.

Conversely, don’t try to talk yourself into going through with the date when you know you really are coming down with something. All that will result is that you will spread your germs around - to your date, and to the innocent people around you. Even if you don‘t have anything contagious - say, a flare-up of a chronic illness - do you really want to try to make a first impression while you’re miserable? You owe it to yourself to give yourself a fair chance, and smiling through pain or illness is not the way to go.

It’s hard to cancel a date, but it’s often the only choice. When explaining why you have to cancel, especially if it’s over the phone, I have but one rule: you don’t necessarily have to be completely honest, but don’t lie. Confused? Well, let’s say your illness is something rather embarrassing, like stomach troubles. You don’t have to go in graphic detail, but don’t make up some random illness to cover it up - you’ll only sound fishy, and your date might wonder why you’re really canceling. It’s simple enough to say that you’re ill. If pressed, say it’s personal - or heck, say it’s embarrassing and you’d rather not say. It’s the truth, after all.

If you’re the one canceling, make sure you’re the one following up and rescheduling, too. Remember, your date is probably as nervous about the prospect of meeting someone new as you are - staying on top of rescheduling will provide reassurance that you didn’t cancel out of cold feet.

No one wants to cancel a date, especially a first meeting. Still, in certain circumstances it’s best for everyone, and it’s up to you to be the discerning adult and make that difficult decision. If you’re open and honest, however, it shouldn’t set you back in your potential relationship at all - merely delay your beginning.

There’s an old saying: you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince (or princess). In theory, online dating can help you avoid a few of those frogs, by narrowing down and vetting your options before you even meet. However, a few acquaintances and recent newcomers to online dating have shared with me a surprising goal: they don’t intend to find any frogs at all. When they finally choose to start up a correspondence, it will be with the person who is The One for them.

I wish them all the best of luck, but honestly, how many people stay with the first person they ever dated? Even those who marry their high school sweethearts might have broken a few junior-high hearts. And there’s nothing wrong with having dated multiple people before settling down; having experiences with the wrong people can help you identify the right one all the more quickly. At any rate, why is the perception of online dating so much different than any other dating method? Why are these new people approaching online dating with stars in their eyes?

Well, if you look in the news, online dating has two major themes. In one, people are cautioned about possible scams and con artists, the dangers of online dating; the other is typically success stories, marriage announcements, how-we-met stories. If you’re confident that you can protect yourself, you might discount the first theme. If the “danger” theme is wrong, than the “success” theme must be right, some think. And it can be - but who knows how many “frogs” those success stories met first?

Online dating is an alternative method of social interaction - of meeting someone - and it allows you to create the first impression you want, but it’s still subject to the mysteries of human chemistry. You’ll have to get to know someone, both online and in person, before you decide if you’re really compatible. Will your best match be the first person you contact? Possibly. But it might also be the fifth, or the tenth, or the twentieth. Even when you narrow down the possibilities, the actual time you meet is left up to chance - what if your best match doesn’t even register until six months after you have?

So as you begin online dating, remember that there’s nothing wrong with dating a few people before you settle down. Dating is social, after all, and a little practice never hurts anyone. Online dating allows you to narrow the field to more likely possibilities - but that doesn’t mean there’s not still a bit of patience required.

There's a lot of talk on the Internet about money when it involves dating, and rightly so. We're in a recession, so people are more frugal when it comes to spending money - but we still want to be social. But what does this mean exactly? Is it okay to use a coupon on a date? Can you forgo dinner and just grab a drink or coffee? Is it ok to split the bill on a first date? When should you offer to pay?

Following are some answers to these simple questions, along with guidelines for maximizing your dating experience despite your current cash flow:

Coupons:

Don't pull out a Groupon on the first date. While I'm all about bargains, it's in poor taste to use a two-for-one coupon on a first date. If you'd rather not spend much money, ask to go for a walk or for a cup of coffee. I'm not against coupons while dating, but I think it's a good idea to wait until you're a few dates in before you do.

Dinner or something cheaper?

It's not impressive to ask a woman out for an expensive dinner on the first date, so I don't recommend doing this. First, she doesn't know you so she's likely not willing to commit that much time up front unless you've had some great conversations in advance. Take the safe route for your date and your pocketbook - ask her out for a drink instead. If you hit it off, then try dinner.

If you've had several dates and find yourself a little strapped for cash, it's a good time to come up with some creative alternatives to the dinner and drinks routine. Check your local paper for free events around town, suggest a bike ride and picnic, or plan a romantic dinner prepared by you! There are plenty of inexpensive alternatives.

About the bill:

You've just finished your meal and the check arrives. You don't reach for it, and neither does she. This can be awkward. My advice? Whoever does the asking does the paying. If she asked you out but refuses to grab the check, offer to split the bill. If you asked her out, put down your credit card. If you find yourself paying every time, or not getting a "thank you" for when you do, politely ask her if she will buy the next time around. And please don't use the "I left my wallet at home" excuse. Make sure you come prepared to every date with a little cash and a credit or debit card, just in case. Relationships should be reciprocal.

Halloween is without a doubt one of my favorite holidays. I look forward to October every year - the costumes, the decorations, the haunted houses, the pumpkin patches, the apple cider - everything about the season gets me excited, but there's nothing I look forward to more than the horror movies. Some are so terrifying that I can't bring myself to walk down a dark hallway to go to the bathroom. Some provide short jolts of fear and embarrassed giggles afterwards. Others are so campy that they are transformed into low-budget raunchy comedy flicks. In any form, I can't shake my love for horror films.

In celebration of the Halloween season, let's take a look at another kind of scary story: online dating horror stories.

Let it be known: I am not a big fan of online dating. Yes, at least one of my best friends found her fabulous fiancé online. And if you live in a small town, or fit a specific demographic (e.g., woman over 45, ultra-busy businessperson, sugar daddy, sneaking around your spouse), online dating may expand opportunities for you. But for the rest of us, we're much better off meeting real live humans eye-to-eye the way nature intended.

Let it be known: unlike Dr. Ali Binazir, who wrote that introduction in an article called " Six Dangers of Online Dating," I am a fan of online dating, and I hope that the potential pitfalls of looking for love online don't scare curious daters away. I do, however, think Dr. Binazir's advice offers valuable guidance for anyone who wants to approach online dating in a savvy, well-informed way. Here are more of the doctor's wise words for the discerning dater:

Online dating sites present an unhelpful wealth of options.

"More choice actually makes us more miserable." That is the theory behind Barry Schwartz's 2003 book The Paradox of Choice: Why Less is More. Online dating sites, Binazir argues, offer too much choice, which actually makes online daters less likely to find a match. Picking a partner out of a few options is easy, but picking one out of thousands is nearly impossible. Too many options also increases the likelihood that daters will second-guess themselves, and lessen their chances of finding happiness by constantly questioning whether or not they made the right decision.

People are more likely to engage in rude behavior online.

The minute people are hidden behind anonymous screen names, accountability disappears and "people have no compunctions about flaming one another with scathing remarks that they would never dare deliver in person." Face-to-face behavior is governed by mirror neurons that allow us to feel another person's emotional state, but online interactions don't activate the process that creates compassion. As a result, it's easy ignore or rudely respond to a message that someone devoted a significant amount of time, effort, and emotion to in hopes of sparking your interest. Over time, this constant, thoughtless rejection can take a serious emotional toll.

There is little accountability online for antisocial behavior.

When we meet someone through our social network, via a friend, family member, or co-worker, they come with our acquaintance's stamp of approval. "That social accountability," Binazir writes, "reduces the chances of their being axe murderers or other ungentlemanly tendencies." In the wild, untamed lands of online dating, where you're unlikely to have a connection to anyone you meet, anything goes. For safety's sake, and to increase the chance of meeting someone you're actually compatible with, it may be wiser to got out with people who have been vetted by your social circle.

Ultimately, Dr. Binazir offers great advice - but it's not a reason to avoid online dating altogether. Take his words to heart, wise up, and approach online love as a concerned, conscious, and well-informed dater.

Related Story: Online Dating: A Dissenting View