Setting Appropriate Boundaries

In the online dating world, we talk a lot about setting appropriate boundaries. Most of the time we focus on setting boundaries when you're writing your profile and when you're communicating with potential matches, so that you can interact with strangers online while still maintaining your safety. This time, let's talk about setting boundaries when you've moved beyond the initial flirtation stages and have entered a relationship with someone.

Setting boundaries goes way beyond saying "no" to sex before you're ready. Setting boundaries means having the courage to face the arguments, disappointment, and uncomfortable situations that may be the reaction when you assert yourself. Facing up to the tough stuff is exactly that - tough - but a relationship that isn't working for you is a relationship that isn't working at all. It's time to stop settling for less than what you want, by learning to ask for what you need.

Most of your boundaries will be unique to you and the kind of relationship you want, but some boundaries are healthy habits to develop in any relationship:

• Never say "yes" when you really mean "no." You may think that saying "yes" means that you're being agreeable in the name of compromise, but too many compromises will leave you feeling unfulfilled and unappreciated. Know the difference between a genuine compromise and an unhealthy toleration. Creating a meaningful, satisfying relationship requires you to 1) Understand that your needs are important and 2) Do what it takes to get those needs meet, even if it means saying "no."

• Don't tolerate behavior that upsets or annoys you. You are not perfect. Neither is your partner. It's unfair to expect that your partner will be everything that you want, every minute of every day. But some behaviors are the endearing quirks that define your partner and make you love them more, and some are offensive habits that you cannot live with over the long-term. If you are tired of always being the one who initiates contact, for example, set a boundary. If you can't stand that your partner always expects you to pick up the tab at restaurants, set a boundary. Issues like these need to be tackled because they are reflections of your deeper values. If your core values are not in sync with your partner's, you are not compatible.

• Do not put your life on hold for a partner. You are not responsible for accommodating someone else's needs and interests all the time. Do not constantly rearrange your schedule for someone else. Do not neglect family and friends because all of your time is devoted to your relationship. Do not put your passions aside in favor of adopting your partner's passions. Focus on your professional life, spend time with your friends, indulge in your interests and hobbies, follow your dreams. A partner who is truly a good match for you will support you in all of these things, and will want you to experience the happiness and growth that comes from pursuing the things that you find meaningful and gratifying.

Boundaries are not threats, punishments, or attempts to manipulate. Setting boundaries is a critical step in any long-term relationship. When you to treat yourself with respect, identify your needs, and actively ask for what you want, you will find a relationship that is functional, fun, and fulfilling.