Advice

You’ve taken stock, and you think you’re set to begin online dating. You’ve got a good profile that you’ve edited more than once; you have a few pictures of you that show you genuinely having a good time. You’re not afraid to email people, and you’re fairly confident that you express yourself better in writing, anyway. You’re good to go - or so you think.

You see, there’s one element that often gets forgotten or glossed over when we’re about to enter the dating world - whether we’re emotionally ready to do so in the first place.

If you were to contemplate adopting an animal, those around you would probably ask a ton of questions. Are you ready to make that sort of commitment? To adjust your life around someone who depends on you? Is your lifestyle stable enough? Are you sure this isn’t a snap decision?

Obviously, dating isn’t the same as adopting a pet - you’re looking to meet an equal, another human being with their own needs, desires, and independence. Still, some of the same questions apply. For example, do you actually have time for dating? If you’re currently having to schedule time just to eat, you’ll probably have to make some compromises if you want to include a new person in your life. Are you prepared for that commitment?

What about if you’ve just gotten out of a relationship? Often people are pressured into “rebound” dating by family and friends. The pressure doesn’t come from a negative place; typically those you love just want to see you happy. Still, attempting dating before you’re really ready is ultimately a waste of time. Whether or not you’re actually going on dates, you might be casting an eye tainted by cynicism on the profiles of great potential matches. Do you really want to find the right person when you’re at your personal worst?

That being said, sometimes we’re more ready to get in the dating saddle than we want to believe. And maybe dipping a toe in the dating pool isn’t a bad idea, just to see how it goes. You might be ready for the potential changes in your day-to-day life, and capable of handling any emotions that might be stirred up, but held back by fear itself. Only you can truly assess if you’re ready to begin dating; only you can decide whether you’re being pressured, or getting a much-needed nudge. The combination to aim for is honesty and bravery; who knows? Maybe you’ll surprise yourself.

I talk to a lot of single people about their dating habits and how they meet others. Many are unsatisfied with the quality of people they're meeting and confused about what they should do to be more successful in their searches. When I mention giving online dating a try, they immediately freeze up.

Many are afraid to try online dating for the first time - it can be scary if you don't know what to expect. Others feel that it's a last resort, a sign of desperation. This is hardly the case - it's the one of the fastest growing industries and an overwhelming majority of singles have tried at least one site.

But what surprises me most is the number of people who proclaim to be too busy for online dating. As one man told me, "out of about 20 dates, you might have one good one. Those aren't good enough odds."

When I asked him about other ways he meets people, he mentioned going to the traditional pick-up locations: bars and clubs. I asked him how that was going for him, and he admitted that his social life was pretty lousy. He keeps meeting women who are "gold-diggers" or who aren't interested in anything serious.

"So what have you got to lose with online dating?" I asked him. "I think your chances are a hundred times better for meeting someone special. It's all about your approach and attitude, and sharing what you really want."

And that's where I got the most resistance. He has a high-powered career, and so doesn't like to "waste a lot of time" when he dates. He'd rather wait around for an amazing woman to one day knock on his door and present herself, with no effort on his part. Unfortunately, relationships don't happen this way. They take time and nurturing. The problem with his inactive method of dating is that he's attracting the women who aren't interested in getting to know him past his outward appearance and profession.

While online dating does take some dedication and persistence - because not every date is going to go well - it's definitely worth the effort. Ask yourself this question: if you don't have time to date, how can you have time for a relationship? If you're only looking for someone to be convenient for your schedule, there isn't much chance of the relationship growing and deepening. Therefore, you limit yourself to the gold-diggers and people looking for short-term flings.

Set your sights bigger. Make time for your love life like you make time for your career. It's only when you allow love the space to come in that it actually will.

The scenario: You're very attracted to a woman you've started dating, only to find that lately she's become completely unreliable. Maybe she's slow in responding to your texts or she rarely picks up the phone when you call. You're trying to set up a second date, but it's nearly impossible to schedule - you get the distinct impression she's giving you the cold shoulder.

Perhaps there was chemistry and connection between you. Maybe you even slept with her. But now you can't get hold of her, and when you do have plans, she cancels at the last minute. She apologizes and reschedules with you, only to cancel again. Is she really busy with work or family, or is something else going on?

You can't read her mind, so I wouldn't try and guess what she's thinking. Many women feel guilty about rejecting a man, so they often choose to disappear or make excuses rather than just admit that they aren't interested. Others might be fickle and aren't ready to commit to any one man in particular. There are many reasons why she isn't calling you back or following through in seeing you again - but you'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure her out. So make it easier on yourself: stop second-guessing your actions and what you should do next and just move on.

Men and women are similar in this way: if they are attracted to someone, they make themselves available. They rearrange their schedules and don't let work get in the way of plans.

If she is giving you a lot of excuses as to why she can't get together, or she isn't responding promptly (or at all) to your texts, chances are she is ambivalent about continuing to date you. Emergencies do happen, but if she seems to have more drama than usual which prevents you two from getting together, this isn't a good sign.

One caveat: if you're dating a single mother, her children's schedules can get crazy and often she has to put her dating life on the back burner in order to take care of them. Have some patience and grace when it comes to dating single Moms. If you can't accept the last-minute cancellations and family emergencies that crop up, then you'd be better off not dating them.

Bottom line: if a woman isn't returning your calls and texts or keeps cancelling your dates, let it go. Relationships shouldn't be one-sided with you making all the effort. If it's difficult to connect with her, it's best to move on.

I've been told that birds of a feather flock together. I've also been told that opposites attract. So who's right? Does the avian adage apply to everyone, or only members of the animal kingdom? Are we ultimately attracted to similarities or differences?

According to many studies, reviewed earlier this year by Sam Sommers in The Huffington Post, "similarity rules the day." Sure, some couples have different religious values, different political beliefs, and different ideas about which team deserves to be in this year's Super Bowl, but for the most part, we are drawn to friends and romantic partners who are like us. Similarity, in fact, is an incredibly powerful force in many situations.

A paper written by researchers from Wilfrid Laurier University in Canada explored the ways physical similarity predicts seating choices. In their first study, the research team analyzed the seating arrangement of college students in a computer lab. Over the course of a few days, the team observed the students at several different times, taking note of how students' characteristics influenced where they sat. They found that students without glasses were significantly more likely to sit beside other students without glasses, while students with glasses were more likely to sit next to their bespectacled brothers-in-arms. Another study found similar results when analyzing hair color.

In a third study, participants arrived at the experiment's location and were introduced to a partner who was seated. The participants were then handed a chair and asked to take a seat next to their partner. When the participant was seated, the research team measured the distance between the seated partner's chair and the new participant, then sent a photograph of each of the participants to a second set of researchers for further evaluation. In keeping with the results from previous research, the team found that "the more physically similar the two were judged to be, the closer to the partner the participants tended to place their chair."

Digging deeper, Sommers then found a study conducted by researchers at Berkeley that examined the matching hypothesis - the idea that we have a tendency to select romantic partners of a desirability level similar to our own. In simple terms: "we try to date people in our own league." To test the hypothesis, the team defined "popularity" on an online dating site as the number of opposite-sex individuals who sent unsolicited messages to another member, then measured the popularity of 3,000 heterosexual users of the site. They found that high-popularity users contacted other popular users at a rate that was significantly greater than could be accounted for by chance. A second study of over a million members confirmed the results of the first study.

When it comes to dating, it looks like opposites aren't in high demand after all.

Let’s say you’ve met someone new, and things are going great. You can’t wait to introduce them to family and friends. One problem, though - the people you care about aren’t as thrilled with this new person as you are. What do you do when a “big, happy family” seems about as likely as Bigfoot knocking on your door selling cookies?

First, assess the number of people who have a problem. Is it just one friend? Is it a single unit, like a family who tends to share a hive mind? If it’s just one or two who have a problem, the next step is to determine if the problem is personal - as in, if it has more to do with you or them than your new match. Maybe a friend is dismayed that you’ve been spending less time with her. Maybe your brother is feeling low about his own love life.

The next step is to see whether more time spent together could rectify the situation. To cry “You don’t even know him!” is so high school - so be an adult and get everyone together. It doesn’t have to be an interrogation session on the couch; it could be a picnic, a trip to an amusement park - something where people can loosen up, be themselves, and be distracted. Even a board game could help break the tension.

But what if it’s not just a few people who have a problem, but everyone? What if spending time together doesn’t help? Now you have some tough decisions to make. First, you might want to consider that there’s some merit to your loved ones’ distrust of your new partner. It can be difficult, but it’s best for everyone if you ask yourself hard questions. And if you know, in your heart of hearts, that any distrust is plain wrong, well, you have to decide the direction your heart goes. Hopefully, if you can’t be one big happy family, you can at least be an amicable one.

It’s tough when the people you love don’t get along with your new love. With all those hormones coursing around and happy new feelings, it’s easy to feel crushed. But with some careful, open communication and some honest effort, perhaps you can find a solution that works for everyone.

In general, when it comes to online dating, you probably want to appeal to as broad a base as possible. Yes, you want to find people with common interests, but you also want to show up in search results. Thus, you’ll find people are relatively moderate in their online profiles; in their politics, in their eating habits, their workout routines. But what if you’re someone who truly does fall on an extreme end of the spectrum? How do you handle the delicate dance between mass appeal and outright lying?

Well, the first thing you have to analyze is how personally affected you are by opposing opinions. You might personally be a hardcore vegan or fall at the far end of the political spectrum, but perhaps you have no problems being with someone who isn’t. Those who have opinions or practices deemed “extreme” by the rest of society are often used to co-existing with those of differing beliefs. If you think you’re one of those people, there’s no problem with trying to attract a broader audience, as long as you’re upfront about your own beliefs (perhaps mentioning it in a self-summary).

However, some people are tired of being around “everyone else,” and just want to find someone they can feel fully comfortable with - and there’s nothing wrong with that. In that case, you’re going to have to expect that you’ll maybe have fewer matches or responses; when you fall into a narrow niche it’s just the nature of the beast, even on the internet. On the other hand, when you find someone who fits the narrow requirement you’re searching for, there’s often immediately a sense of camaraderie - you already have something major in common.

Regardless of who you’re trying to attract, what you want to avoid is overly defensive, or even aggressive, statements in your profile. People who are constantly questioned about their beliefs often attempt to cut the questions off before they begin, but to a potential match you might just seem angry. Thus, avoid statements like, “I could never be with someone who...” and simply say “I’m looking for...” instead.

Remember: you want the reader to feel like they recognize themselves in your profile, to say to themselves, “Hey, that person could be talking about me!” What you don’t want is to make the reader feel like there’s a long list of requirements they have to live up to. It’s possible to keep your search parameters narrow but still be warm and inviting; just remember to keep that editing pen handy, stick with positive statements, and let your personality shine through, not just your interests or beliefs.