Advice

Some lessons seem simple. When you’re a baby and you accidentally touch a hot stove, what have you learned? You shouldn’t touch the stove. When you try to hug a bumblebee and it stings you, what do you take away? Avoid bumblebees at all costs. And when you’ve fallen in love and it hasn’t turned out well, what should you do next time? Try not to fall in love at all.

Oh, wait. Maybe some lessons aren’t that simple.

It might be tempting to attempt to shut down all future emotion when a relationship ends poorly. However, simple aversion probably isn’t the best solution for the rest of your life. Why should you deny yourself something with the potential for good, something that might even enrich your life, simply because you met one bad egg?

Speaking of bad eggs, consider food poisoning. If you had one nasty night after some poorly-prepared food, would you starve yourself in the future? Likely not; instead, you might eye the food that has the potential for harm with a little caution in the future. Likewise, after a bad relationship, you might have learned some red flags to look for - but that doesn’t mean you should give up on all potential love with all people. Just because you met one jerk, why should all people be the same?

“But people are not food,” you may argue. “Matters of the heart are far more complicated.” Fair point, but how about this: if you had a falling-out with one friend, would you give up on friends forevermore? Or, would you understand that the unique relationship you had with that specific person might have contained problems, and you can apply what you’ve learned in your other relationships? Romantic relationships are really not that different from close friendships; the element of romance is the only absolute difference. Yet, we tend to view friendships and romantic relationships as completely different species, probably because we were introduced to the latter much later in life, and we have that much more practice with the former (not to mention it’s common to juggle several friendships at one time).

It can be tempting to make sweeping negative generalizations in the world of dating. “I will never go on a blind date again.” “All people who dress a certain way are trouble.” “I’ll never feel the same way about anyone again.” However, in doing so, you’re underestimating everything: your own judgment, the uniqueness of individuals, the biology of humans and their ability to love. Why sell yourself, and the entire human race, short?

So you’ve met someone, and you’re beginning to wonder if this person is The One for you. The problem is, you’ve obviously never met The One before, so how do you know when you’ve found them? Turning to fiction, or even the recollection of people you know, gives a slew of metaphors - metaphors that can even contradict each other. Is it fireworks or a slow burn? Magic or the most organic, natural thing of all? A new adventure or coming home?

Most people will probably conclude they’re in love, or that their significant other is the one for them, on their own. However, not everyone is big on gut instinct or sure of their own decisions, especially if they’ve had bad experiences in the past. Thus, here are a few questions to ask yourself when you’re feeling uncertain:

First, how do you express love and affection? Some are outwardly affectionate; the term “PDA” seems to have been invented just for them. Some people show their love through less obvious ways, like working on homemade projects for weeks. Many people have a “personality” when it comes to love; figuring out the type of person you are might give you a clue into your own feelings. Are you the “type” to be looking for fireworks, or is it more likely that the warm glow you’re experiencing is your own version of love?

Then, in general, ask yourself: when it comes to your relationship, are you happy? Don’t think about external stressors, like the fact that your jobs make it difficult to meet up or that you’re not a fan of their family. When you think of your significant other, and being together, are you happy? Do you want to be around them more?

Finally, when you ask yourself if this person is The One, what answer are you looking for? Are you feeling uncertain because you’re just the sort of person who likes external confirmation, or are you looking for an excuse to get out? And if you are looking for an excuse to call things off, is it because you’re really not happy, or some other reason, like a fear of commitment?

These aren’t easy questions to answer, and the answers still lie in that nebulous space that’s equal parts heart, brain and gut. However, hopefully the questions help point you in a more specific direction than whether you’ve found True Love. Even if you’re sure of your answers, don’t be alarmed if you still feel nervous - or even if you don’t. Your life, your story is your own! Why should you react exactly the same way someone else has?

Anyone who has tried out online dating knows that finding love online can be a risky endeavor. Who's telling the truth? Whose profile is filled with little white lies? Who's trying to scam you? Who's not actually single? Who has practically invented an entirely new persona for their online dating life? It's enough to make you wish that there were lessons in how read the honesty of a person's profile based on the information it contains.

Well you're in luck: such lessons do exist. Maria Coder, a 35-year-old PR manager from New York City, teaches women how to distinguish the princes from the frogs in a class called "Wolf in Sheep's Clothing 101." For the last few years, Coder has been honing her detective skills and developing techniques to determine whether her dates actually are who they say they are, and now she's bringing the results of her research to other single women.

Coder calls her methods "investidating," a collection of tips and tricks to develop your sixth sense, research a prospective date, and expose the con-artists that are lurking behind anonymous online screen names. Students learn how to perform a basic analysis of an online dating profile, and how to continue their sleuthing using social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter. Lessons are given on how to interpret body language, gauge income level, and verify information like employment and academic history.

Online services can also help a curious women determine whether or not a man she's interested in is being honest. Take Gender Genie, for example, which uses an algorithm to predict the gender of the person who wrote a piece of text. Singles who are wondering if a man had help writing his profile can use the service to learn more, Coder suggests. She also advises women to check public records to see if a date has ever been involved in a civil suit, and to call the alumni office of his alma mater to determine that he actually studied there.

"In this day and age of speed dating, random meetings, and online hookups," says Coder's Web site, "a girl and a guy can never be too sure; unless, of course, they take matters into their own hands." She offers other classes for advanced learners, like "Are You Dating an A*S?," and maintains a blog full of tips for women who are looking for more ways to catch the connivers.

If the commercials are to be believed, the holiday season is all about thoughtful gifts, delicious dinners, blazing fires, and adorable families in matching sweaters.

I love the holidays as much as the next person, but we all know what they're really like: stressful. The time when we're supposed to feel most connected to our loved ones is often the time when we feel the most distant. And it's no wonder - just look at all the things we have to deal with during the holiday season:

• family time - with your own or with your in-laws

• increased consumption of food and alcohol

• financial worries

• increased work load before the holidays

• the pressure of shopping for gifts and entertaining

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Thanks to all of these seasonal stressors, the holidays are now notorious for being a peak breakup period. You'll probably never be able to eliminate every source of stress during this time, but if you want to beat the breakup odds there are plenty of strategies you can implement. Heading into the holidays, remember these 5 tips:

1. Try to anticipate what your problem areas will be, like finances and scheduling conflicts, ahead of time. The more prepared you and your partner are, the less stressed out you'll feel.

2. Then make a plan for handling those issues when they come up. It's hard to formulate a workable plan of action in the heat of the moment, so take some of the pressure off yourself and your relationship by doing it beforehand.

3. If you're visiting each other's families or attending holiday work functions together, develop a secret code that means "Get me out of here!" When things get a little too intense, hit the eject button and offer each other the support needed to get through the event.

4. Take it easy whenever you can. Don't make more commitments than you can actually stick to, and avoid packing your schedule with so many engagements that you have no time left for yourself and for each other. Give yourself permission to say "no" if you need to.

5. Start your own traditions together if your family traditions aren't compatible. Traditions are one of the trickiest things to navigate during the holiday season. Blend what you can, and forget about the rest. It's not worth fighting over, and the process of inventing your own will bring you closer than ever.

And above all, don't forget to have fun together - that's what the holidays are supposed to be about!

Sometimes you’ll see a profile that really makes you think you’d just click. You have a similar taste in movies; maybe the potential match writes something you actually think is funny. You read their profile, and your first thought is, “I really want to get to know this person.”

There’s only one problem: while it’s true you do have some common interests, and you certainly think you have compatible personalities, there are more specific differences than similarities. Maybe you’re a lifelong member of the National Couch Potatoes, and they love sports. Perhaps they’re a scientist, and you flunked Biology. Sure, you can focus on your similarities in your short, sweet first-contact email, but surely these differences will come up eventually. What then?

This is the point where so many get themselves in trouble: the White Lie. “It won’t hurt anything if I fudge this little fact... and maybe that one,” you might think. And maybe, ultimately, it won’t. But even if the lie was about something of little consequence, no one likes discovering they’ve been lied to, especially if it was early and often. Why not start your relationship off on the right foot?

So if you can’t bend the truth, what do you do? Be completely honest, but positive. Remember what the main goal is: having fun spending time together. If you’re not self-conscious, maybe you could suggest a sports lesson, or something that meets in the middle, like bowling or mini-golf. It’s okay if you’re not a science whiz, but remember not to excessively bash the subject your match clearly loves. You’re looking for a complementary personality, not a bridge partner or a thrifting buddy; not every interest needs to line up. Plus, you might even gain new knowledge and interests from each other.

If you come across that profile where the person shines through regardless of their interests, don’t be afraid to contact them. However, this is a reminder to ensure that your profile isn’t simply a laundry list of hobbies. With a well-thought profile, and maybe a little bravery, perhaps they’ll see the same compatibility in you!

If only we could have flashing signs that gave away our true feelings and intentions - asking someone for their number, or a date, would be so much easier! Alas, real life is not usually so easy.

Take my friend Steve, for example. Steve recently met a girl at his workplace. He asked her on a date. She responded that she was too busy to date - but then she friended him on several social media sites. Steve couldn’t be more confused. Was she simply being honest when she told him she was too busy? Is she simply being polite now, friending him?

Of course, it’s not possible for any third-party observer to figure out what’s really going on inside her head; we can’t be sure any more than Steve can. Still, here’s the general vibe I’m getting from the story: Not Now.

You see, Steve only recently started his new job. He barely knows this co-worker. And in turn, she doesn’t really know him. Perhaps she’s not used to being cold-called for a date. Maybe she’s cautious about new people. Alternatively, maybe she recently got out of a relationship and isn’t quite ready to date yet. Or maybe she truly is busy with life and work and doesn’t want to complicate things further at this point.

However, by adding him on her social media sites, she’s opening the door for a chance to get to know him. If she were truly turned off, she probably wouldn’t have asked him, specifically, for his contact details (which, apparently, she did). This doesn’t seem, to me, like a polite consolation prize; this is a potential future opportunity.

At any rate, the ball is pretty much in her court. What should Steve do in the meantime? Get to know her, be honest and open, and perhaps she’ll become a new friend. More importantly, what he shouldn’t do is put his life on hold; it’s perfectly fine for him to continue to look for other people. And who knows? If they’re truly compatible, maybe something will develop in the future.