Advice

In the weeks leading up to and immediately following the winter holidays, it’s not unusual to see a spike in new people who are interested in giving online dating a whirl. It makes sense; the holidays leave them inundated with ads, movies, and messages that leave them reassessing their choices and re-evaluating their priorities. However, what few people realize is that the holidays are actually a pretty poor time to begin dating.

First of all, you might well meet someone new in the influx of fresh blood; whether you’ll be able to find a time to meet is another story. Holidays are full of prior obligations - to friends, family, even acquaintances we hardly ever see (hey, it can take hours to fill out all those greeting cards). With the first stirrings of snow and turkey decorations, you might feel a longing for someone special and fill out an online profile - and then be hard-pressed to find time to actually communicate with anyone for the next six weeks. Don’t be surprised if communication with someone new is spotty at best; they might be swamped for days, then have nothing to do for a week. And their level of ‘busy’ might be directly inverse with yours.

Secondly, the holidays are typically a time of family gatherings, whether you’re talking about a biological family or one comprised of people you’ve chosen. When you start dating over the holidays, it’s all the more likely that your date will be prematurely thrown into the family mix - dinners, football games, bonfires. Is your relationship ready to be scrutinized like a holiday parade?

Even just meeting for the first time during the holidays can be tricky. You or your date might be bloated and lethargic from too many turkey dinners, or frazzled from the holiday business rush. Whether or not they’re entirely self-created, there are often extra expectations over the holidays, leading to extra stress. It’s simply not a time when many people are at their best.

So what does this mean? Should you just postpone dating altogether until after the dust of fake snow has settled? Well, no, you don’t have to. The key to surviving dating during the holidays is the same as surviving the holidays in general: try to be flexible and keep an open mind. Understand the pressures you face, and realize that the people you’re communicating with are dealing with the same. Relaxation is the main weapon against the holiday frazzle; use it well, and you can use the influx of people new to the dating world to your advantage without becoming swamped in expectation yourself.

You've been talking to someone online and it's been going well, so now it's time to take the next big step - the first date! You're probably feeling a mix of excitement and nervousness. However, have you given any thought to how you're going to mentally approach the big day? Your mindset can play a big role in your perception of the entire evening - it can even affect your behavior. Here are a few common approaches, and their consequences:

The Job Interviewee: You really, really don't want to mess this up! What if you say the wrong thing? Are you wearing the right clothes? Your date smirked when you answered that question - what does it all mean? Will they call you back?

Chances are, approaching a date like this will leave you a bundle of nerves, and your date may very well pick up on the tension. Try to have a little more confidence! Why are you the one being interviewed, anyway? Of course, taking the opposite approach makes you...

The Job Interviewer: You're approaching your date with a mix of aggression and cynicism. Will this person be good enough for you? Maybe it would be fun (for you) to ask them completely random questions and play head games, just to see what they do!

Here's the thing: if you're judging your date, or laughing at them, they will almost certainly pick up on it. You're looking for someone who will be one of your best friends, not picking out a pig at the fair.

The Scientist: You're looking for compatibility - by compiling a list of your interests and cross-referencing them. Then you're going to order those interests by importance. You might throw in a bit of astrological compatibility, blood type, maybe smell each other's clothes to test for pheromones...

You're trying to be logical and thorough - but chemistry has a little something extra that we can't quite define yet. With this sterile approach, your date might feel more like a specimen. Perhaps relaxing and enjoying the date will give you your most accurate results yet!

Obviously all of these approaches are lacking a little something. Where's the happy medium? What should we strive for? How about...

The Conversationalist: You keep in mind that it's not a contest, and you're looking for a friend, not a reward. You're meeting to see if you're compatible and get along - no more, no less. If it doesn't work out, it's no one's fault; you simply weren't compatible. And if it does work out - well, that could be the start of something really exciting.

Hopefully, taking this approach will leave you relaxed, confident, and actually listening to your date's answers. A happy mix of everything, that will leave you at your best - and best able to appreciate your date!

To beat the holiday breakup blues, I suggested in Part I that couples do their best to enter the season prepared. When you anticipate the major stressors ahead of time, you can come up with solutions while you're clear-headed and calm, rather than in the heat of the moment when your judgment will be clouded. Let's take a look at two of the most common challenges, and their solutions, faced by couples during the holidays:

Problem #1: Family turf wars.

Family time tops the list of holiday stressors for so many couples. It feels like everyone wants a piece of you and they all want it at exactly the same time, so not only are you stressed about making time for them, you're stressed about finding time for yourselves as a couple, too. And don't even think about alone time.

Solution: Take care of yourselves first. Look at both of your schedules, and block out some "just the two of us" time. Unwind, bond, and forget about family obligations for a little while. When it's time to think about your families again, approach it with a relaxed attitude. As my father always says, "You can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time." Know that you may not be able to make everyone completely happy, and that's ok. Don't let yourself be guilt-tripped into anything that adds to your stress. Find the fairest solution possible - dinners on different days, or trading off holidays - and stick to it.

Problem #2: Merging holiday traditions.

This is a huge headache for so many couples. Maybe you can't decide if you're going to celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or both. Maybe one family opens gifts on Christmas Day, and one family opens gifts on Christmas Eve. Maybe one prefers to start holiday dinners early, and the other prefers to keep the party going all night long. Whatever the conflict is, the result is the same: misunderstandings, stress, and hurt feelings.

Solution: First and foremost, remember that neither of you is right or wrong. Your traditions are different, but one is not better than the other and they all deserve respect. Second, communicate. It's a cliché in the relationship world, but it's true - if you can't communicate about what's important to you, you'll never feel heard or happy. This is the perfect time to put your negotiation skills to good use. Pick out a few of the traditions that are most important to you, and explain to your partner why they mean so much. Listen to his or her list in return, then discuss and compromise. Come up with a solution that allows both of you to continue at least one of the traditions that you hold dearest.

I know a girl, “Mina,” who has hardly any trouble getting dates. No, she’s not outrageously beautiful, nor does she have any magic spellbook. Instead, she knows a little about everything, and has an uncanny ability to get along with - and, essentially, mold her personality to - just about anyone.

While some might think her lucky, Mina has a problem; she’s never been happy in a long-term relationship. “Finding a guy is no problem,” she complained. “But it never seems to work out in the end.”

Mina’s problem seems obvious to everyone but Mina herself; she’s not in tune with who she really is, and what she really wants. Thus, though she can be compatible with almost anyone on the surface, she never truly gets comfortable.

It’s common for people to become immersed in the life of their new partner; they’re being introduced to new interests and ideas, which seem all the better because their partner is so wonderful. Everyone is changed, at least a little, by their significant other. So how can we tell whether we’re simply changing the normal amount, or whether we have a problem like Mina?

First consider the balance of influence. Sure, you’re learning a lot from your new partner; are they learning much from you, or are you the only sponge in the couple? Do you feel as though one of you is always the teacher, and the other the student?

What about your friends and family? Have they noticed a marked difference in your behavior? Again, a little of this is normal; imagine if suddenly you were together every day with someone who was from a different part of the country or world. Eventually, new slang might creep into your everyday speech, or maybe your accent would be affected. However, it’s unlikely that you’d begin speaking like you were born and raised elsewhere, unless you were quite suggestible. Using those around you as a gauge can help you determine if your behavior has changed excessively.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your new life, with your new partner. However, it’s equally important that your new partner enjoys an authentic you. If you’re truly comfortable with each other, other aspects of a successful relationship, like communication, are all the more easy. Why not make sure you’re starting off on the right foot? Remember: your partner wasn’t looking for a clone, or a student - they were looking for you.

You’ve met someone new, and things seem to be going well. So well, in fact, that you’re thinking about taking down your online profile. It’s a relatively simple thing to do, but many balk at this step. Here, we examine common fears relating to taking down your profile, why you might want to do it, and why it’s not such a scary step after all.

When you remove your online profile, you’re essentially saying you’re off the market - no more, no less. However, many people attach additional meaning to the removal. For some, it might represent victory, that they’ve accomplished their goal. Thus, they become superstitious about taking it down; are they claiming victory too soon? Will fate prove them wrong?

For others, a public statement about being “taken” means they might “miss out” on a better offer. If you’re leery of commitment, it can be reassuring to know that your profile is still claiming you’re available even if, in practice, you’re not. For some, it can almost be like a slot machine - they may have hit the jackpot, but maybe the next spin will be even better!

It is precisely this behavior that might make the new flame nervous. Even if you’re not commitment-phobic, a new significant other might see that your profile is still up, and wonder why. By simply being lazy with your digital housekeeping, you might stir up feelings of uncertainty - especially at the beginning of a new relationship, when the foundation is still unsteady.

Thus, there’s really no harm in taking down your online profile. Save a copy, so if you become available again, you don’t need to start from scratch (though you would want to update it, of course). The beauty of the Internet is that it’s relatively instant - your profile can pop back up as quickly as you took it down, if you need it to. But ask yourself: are you currently “taken”? Are you actively looking for someone else, or are you content with the current situation? If the answer is yes, you’ve got your reason to remove your profile. All it means is that you’re not currently looking for someone new - no more, no less. Why look for the next opportunity when you’ve got one in front of you?

Kim Kardashian and her soon-to-be ex-husband were only married 72 days before she filed for divorce. Other celebrities haven't had much success at long-lasting love either - (Britney Spears or Drew Barrymore anyone?) While it's definitely harder to keep a marriage together when the spotlight is always on you, it's also a reminder that relationships have to have a good foundation to last.

If you're considering taking the next step with someone you're dating and becoming more serious, following are some tips to make sure you're both on the same page - before you decide to walk down the aisle:

Be yourself. The more you try to hide your fears and bad habits from your boyfriend or girlfriend, the more barriers you build in communication. The more comfortable you are being yourself in front of him, the more you can open yourself up in the relationship and the more connected you'll feel. Celebrities may spend a lot of time crafting their images, which doesn't leave much room for honesty and intimacy.

Give your relationship as much attention as your career. If your relationship is long-distance, or if you're both workaholics with crazy travel schedules, check in with each other often. It's important to put your relationship front and center to keep it going, and not rely on five minutes squeezed between meetings or a weekend here or there. It's important to spend quality day-to-day time with someone to really know if they are right for you.

Don't be a narcissist. Instead of criticizing what your partner should be doing and making the relationship all about your needs, learn to communicate with each other. Each person has needs and wants to be heard. When you acknowledge where you've made mistakes and really listen to what the other person is saying, you do the relationship a favor and leave room for both of you to grow.

Treat each other with respect. Relationships are built on a foundation of mutual love and respect. If one is missing, it will soon be really apparent that it's not going to last. Instead of always wanting to be right and blaming your partner if you're unhappy, learn to compromise. Recognize that you won't always agree, but that each of you deserves to have your own opinions, thoughts, and experiences. The more you can share, the better.

Take your time. This is very important, because often couples fall in love and think that the heady feelings will ensure a lasting relationship. Unfortunately, love doesn't work this way. It's all about how you treat the relationship: how much time, effort, and love you put into it, and whether it's reciprocal. Take your time and really get to know the person you're considering being with for the rest of your life.