Dating

Single Man, Married Man – a new book written by a group of men specifically for single women – proclaims to offer brutally honest advice for women who are looking to get hitched.

The book has outraged many feminists, and for good reason. Some of the advice offered in the book includes this as fact: “all men” want to get married – if they tell you otherwise, they are “lying.” Another piece of advice from one of the book’s single authors: “No matter where a woman is in life, she should always be able to cater to her man’s needs.” A divorced co-author advises that when a man gets his ego stroked, he will be more inclined to love you.

The book also offers reasons why a man you are dating isn’t taking the relationship to the next level – namely, that it’s your fault. One author writes: “It takes a lot to hold their attention, and men tend to lose interest in romantic partners when they stop being, well... interesting.”

In other words, women need to start giving more massages, complaining less, and stroking their guys’ egos a lot more often. Then they will more likely convince their men to put a ring on it. (Speaking of Beyonce, one of the writers even suggests keeping Destiny’s Child’s “Cater 2 U” on repeat on your playlist).

The book is certainly gaining a lot of attention in the press because of its apparent sexism, and its authors maintain that it is “brutally honest” because they want to help women. Two of the main authors spent three years interviewing more than 300 men online and in person to arrive at their conclusions, so they stand by them.

So what does this mean? Should women take a step back and consider catering more to the men in their lives? Or should the guys who authored this book admit that creating a controversial book would help them sell more copies?

The truth is, no matter how many people you interview, or how much research you do, or how many coaching sessions you conduct, dating is still mysterious and fickle for everyone. Some tactics work with some people, others don’t. Some people have chemistry together, others don’t. You can’t force a relationship to move forward if that’s not what it is meant to do. There are no tricks. Dating is much more nuanced and individual. Blanket advice of how each gender should behave doesn’t really move the conversation – or the dating scene itself - forward.

So as much as we take dating advice from many sources, we should also be discerning. If something doesn’t feel right to you, pay attention. If you’re working too hard to try and “make things work” with your current love, maybe it is time to let go. To find out more about the book "Single Man, Married Man" you can check out the authors website.

Story time: I once knew a couple with an elaborate story about how they met in a bar in New York City's East Village. Except none of it was true. They had actually met on a dating site, but were too embarrassed to tell people – even most of their friends – that they'd met online.

It always baffled me. Are we really still having this discussion? How is it possible that the infamous online dating stigma is still clinging to life?

Despite the fact that most people have tried online dating and/or know someone who did, it appears there's still something of a dark cloud hovering over it. And it's ridiculous. It's time for a big wind to blow through and send that cloud packing.

Thing is... you're the wind. We all are. That cloud isn't going anywhere until we take a stand and send it on its way. The next time someone asks where you met your partner or whether you've ever tried a dating service, it's your responsibility to be honest. Here's why:

• Because you did. Let's just start with the most obvious reason, ok? You did it. Own up to it like the adult you are. The only reason you should ever need to be honest about something is because it's true.
• Because it shouldn't matter what other people think. Why devote time to worrying about what your co-worker thinks when you could spend that time being in love with your awesome partner? Hello, priorities. Own who you are and own your decisions.
• Because everyone is doing it. Maybe they aren't all being upfront about it, but they're all doing it. They've at least tried it, when they were drunk and curiosity got the better of them. If it's everyone's deep dark secret, it really shouldn't be anyone's deep dark secret. We all have a responsibility to get over our embarrassment.
• Because there are way more embarrassing ways to meet. Meeting online is a smart, sane option in 2015. There are way crazier, way stupider, way more embarrassing ways you could have met your partner. I won't specify, but I'm sure your imagination can fill in the blanks with some pretty deranged stuff.
• Because all you need is love. By which I mean, you have found someone amazing and you love them – that is the most important part of the story. What could possibly trump that? Almost anything flies (even most of the stuff you came up with for the last point) when the end result is people in love.

Cloud, your days are numbered.

A recent article in the Boston Globe discussed the disappointing journey of online dating. Many single people start the New Year off by setting an intention to find a partner – so they sign up with an online dating site. And after a few weeks or even months of effort, they are exhausted and ready to throw in the towel on dating altogether.

In other words, they are burned out from dating.

If you’ve ever done online dating, you will know what dating burnout means. Often, when you sign up with a new dating website or download a new app, your expectations can be high that this time it will be different. This time you can meet someone special. But then, after a few bad experiences or lack of chemistry or matches, it’s easy to become frustrated and think that online dating will never work.

Online dating is tough if you aren’t finding the right person, but should you always point your finger in blame when things don’t work out? There are more singles than ever in the U.S. – roughly 50% of all adults, so it’s not that there are “no good ones left.” But if you are experiencing dating burnout, it is hard not to believe it.

It’s important to look past all the bad experiences, and try to start each date on a clean slate. This isn’t wishful thinking, it’s what is required if you want to move from a negative place to a more positive place – because the first rule of dating is that you attract people of the same attitude to you. How can real chemistry happen if you aren’t willing to approach a new date with fresh eyes, even after a hundred bad dates?

I’m not saying dating is easy – far from it. But nothing in life worth having is easy. Nothing really valuable comes because we can order it off a menu, or a dating app. Instead, it comes from the work we put in. It comes from our mistakes, which help us to learn what works and what doesn’t.

If you want a true partner, it might happen through online dating, and it might not – but you have to be ready to wipe the slate clean each time you meet someone new.

So online dating isn’t the problem. If you want your dating life to change, you first have to examine yourself and see where you might be holding back from others, or how much you might be judging. Not everyone is going to be Mr./Ms. Right, but you will have a better time when you let go of what you can’t control (other people) and take control of what you can (you).

Peace and love for 2015! 

Dating can be fun, but it can also be confusing and even a bit demoralizing. Regardless of whether you meet someone online, on Tinder, or sitting next to you at the bar, you can have an instant connection. And that connection can also go wrong if you don’t adhere to a few simple rules of good behavior.

I don’t mean The Rules, as in playing hard-to-get. I mean that despite the pull of chemistry between two people, there is still the fact that you two don’t know each other, and so it only benefits you to be on your best behavior.

If you’ve ever had one too many drinks and fallen down from the bar stool you’ve been perched on next to your date, or gone off on a political rant in the middle of a nice conversation, you might know a little about making a mistake that you regret because it cost you a future date.

Following are some guidelines in how to avoid a dating disaster (and moving on if it’s already happened):

Curb your drinking. This might seem obvious, but many people like to have a drink or two to “loosen up.” Know your tolerance before you consume. A few drinks can quickly turn bad – like if you suddenly feel sick and have to leave before you throw up on your date, or you can’t remember what happened past driving home in an Uber. There’s nothing sexy or appealing about dating a drunk stranger, so know your limits.

Avoid touchy subjects. Although politics is your passion, it’s good to avoid talking about Congress on a first date when you don’t know each other. Your date could mistake your passion for self-righteousness, especially if you try to convince him that you’re right. Instead of getting carried away with an argument, try stepping back, asking questions, and listening. This can quickly turn the conversation around.

Don’t get sexual right away. Despite all of the pick-up artists’ proclamations, women generally don’t like it when a guy comes on too strong, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Recognize that most women get hit on when they online date, and they don’t appreciate it – especially from a stranger. Instead of trying to seduce her, get to know her. That is a sure way to guarantee a second date.

Acknowledge and move on. We’ve all made embarrassing mistakes, especially while dating. There’s no reason to continue to beat yourself up over mistakes of the past – instead, acknowledge what happened, see what you can do differently, and move on. Regret has no place in future relationships.

Bye Felipe has become an Instagram sensation, with female daters posting their awkward, annoying, uncomfortable and sometimes even harassing message trail with other online daters, mainly men. It seems that in the wake of Tinder’s popularity, there have been a few casualties and women are looking for a more genuine tool to meet guys, sans the weird pick-up lines.

While there isn’t a dating app that can screen or prevent all creeps from making their way into your matching possibilities, at least some apps give women the power to decide what we will and will not tolerate.

Following are a few to watch for in 2015:

Bumble. While I’m not a fan of how this app came about – it’s the brainchild of Whitney Wolfe, one of the former Tinder executives who also filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against co-founder Justin Mateen. And since she walked away with a bit of money from a settlement, she has decided to launch her own dating app, where women decide who they want to meet (and have 24 hours to make that decision before the option disappears). According to its marketing, the app “promotes a safe and respectful community…Bumble suggests matches based on more relevant signals than other, more shallow apps.”

LuLu. This has been around for a couple of years, allowing women to rate their dates and share information about men with other female app users. While LuLu sounds like it has the potential to be a giant slam book, many women also use it to promote their guy friends who are looking for love – kind of an online voucher for a guy’s character. The Grade is another new app that has a similar kind of review system through – you guessed it – grading them. If you get an “F” guys? You’re off the site.

Siren. True to its name, Siren allows women to put a question out to men they choose on the site (or to all men in their area) to schedule a last-minute date. For instance, a woman could ask: “want to meet up for a jog?” - and then see who responds. She can also browse profiles in private without revealing herself.

JessMeetKen. This online dating site works through Facebook connections, and allows women to post a profile of their male friends who are looking for love, recommending them to other women. (Think of that guy you really like but just aren’t attracted to.) The guys all come recommended by a woman, so it’s less likely the men you’ll be meeting will be creepers, which makes it worth it even if you aren’t a match.

Happy dating!

I have a love/hate relationship with New Year's resolutions.

In fact, you probably do too (who doesn't?).

On one hand, goal-setting is one of the most valuable things you can do. It's essential to set aside time to evaluate where you are, envision where you want to be, and strategize about how to move from one to the other.

On the other hand, everyone knows how difficult it is to actually stick to New Year's resolutions. You start out strong, you slip up once or twice, and then you abandon the whole thing. It can feel like you're setting yourself up for failure.

But hey – what is life without a few challenges? The potential for growth is too important to ignore, so make those resolutions and make 2015 the year you really kick their ass. Here are some ideas for your love life:

• Join a dating site. You may be here because you're already an online dater and are looking for tips, but you could be here because you still haven't taken the plunge and need some motivation. As Nike would say, just do it. This is the most popular time of the year for dating sites, so you'll be in good (and plentiful) company.
• Try something out of your comfort zone. That could be joining an online dating site, if you haven't already, or it could be trying something offline that pushes your boundaries. Join a gym if you've always been too intimidated to work out in front of others. Take a cooking class. Join a recreational sports team. You'll meet new people, add to your skill set, and boost your confidence.
• Be more open-minded. It's not just about challenging yourself where activities are concerned. It's also about challenging your preconceived notions about people. Say yes to someone you would normally say no to. Resist the urge to judge too quickly. Dump some of your dealbreakers. You may find something (or someone) you never expected.
• Get a handle on your goals. Do you want a fun fling? Are you looking for a partner who's marriage material? Are you just in the market for new friends? Be honest with yourself about what you want, and then be smart with your choices. They should be in alignment with your goals.
• Take action. You could wait around for something to happen to you, or you could make it happen. Which sounds like the better option? Be proactive in your search and don't think twice about making the first move. Being assertive is the best way to get what you want.

Here's to an incredible 2015!