Advice

There are a few questions that have stumped great thinkers forever:

To be or not to be?

What is the meaning of life?

What's more important: your profile or your picture?

I don't have an answer for the first two, but a small study run by AnswerLab in San Francisco may have an answer for the third. The study asked 39 patrons of a coffee shop to look at dating profiles from Match.com and eHarmony.com on a laptop. The 18 women and 21 men who participated all identified as interested in dating someone of the opposite sex.

As the participants viewed the profiles, the researcher used the Tobii X1 Light Eye Tracker to collected dating about where the participants' eyes focused on the computer screen. The tracker works by shining an infrared light at the eye and creating a reflection that is then recorded by a camera. After collecting the recordings, the program evaluates the physical structure of the eye (the angle between the cornea and pupil) to calculate the angle of the gaze. Added together, the angle of the gaze and the distance between the eyes and the screen make for an accurate method of tracking the eye's movements.

Though most people are not aware of it, the eye is moving at all times in order to take in everything with the maximum amount of detail. The eye stops moving only briefly, called a "fixation," to focus on each different element that catches your attention. Thanks to the fixations, eye tracking systems can determine exactly what we look at and for how long - like what parts of an online dating profile attract the most attention from curious singles.

The AnswerLab study found that women spent an average of 84 seconds evaluating a profile to determine if it was a match, while men spent an average of 58 seconds. Men spent the majority of their time assessing a user's photo - 65% more than women, to be exact. Men also spent 50% less time analyzing the profile overall.

The sample size was small for the study, but it may offer a little guidance when it comes to creating a profile. Know your target audience: if you're interested in men, spend more time picking the perfect photo, and if you're interested in women, devote your time and attention to crafting an original and (literally) eye-catching profile.

It’s not uncommon to hear people lament about how difficult it is to date as an adult. When you’re in your teens or early twenties, you might be in high school or college. You’re in a community comprised almost entirely of your peers, for perhaps the only time in your adult life. And most of those peers are probably single, and looking for love themselves. It’s easy to look back longingly on that time and feel that youth is wasted on the young.

But not everything is easier about dating when you’re younger. In many respects, the “dating game” gets easier the older you get. First, there’s the issue of decision-making: some claim your brain isn’t even fully equipped for major decision-making until your early twenties. Whether or not that’s true, it’s certainly flooded with hormones, potentially leading to bigger mistakes and messier relationships in your youth.

Next, there’s “game-playing” - or a lack thereof. The more mature you become, the less guesswork goes into dating. Adults likely have a better sense of who they are and what they’re looking for, and they’re more likely to be more direct about it. In theory, it’s much easier to know what’s “right” for you when you’ve spent more time experiencing what doesn’t work.

Finally, adults are more likely to be looking for someone who makes them happy in reality - not a fantasy of what they think they should be looking for. I’ve seen many in their early 20s leave relationships because they “want to see what else is out there” or they aren’t sure if something better will come along. A more mature person is less likely to be looking for just “fireworks,” and less likely to wonder “what if” about anyone else.

Dating isn’t incredibly easy, regardless of age - it’s filled with uncertainty and butterflies. Still, it’s important to realize that there’s no “perfect time” to date or find the right one for you - and that real love can be found at any stage in life.

Online dating has become a standard way for singles to meet. But what about mobile dating? It seems to be gaining a lot of ground in the past couple of years, since most people are attached to their smart phones. In fact, according to recent statistics mobile dating makes up 15.8% of the online dating market. It only makes sense that singles want to check out other singles while meeting their friends for dinner or drinks after work. So why not incorporate online dating with the accessibility of your phone?

While the idea sounds appealing, there are reasons people are more hesitant to try mobile dating and aren't convinced it's a true way to find love. Mobile apps have made hooking up via phones the norm, so there's not an incentive to look for lasting love this way. Successful mobile apps like OkCupid's Locals and Grindr designed their mobile apps as more of a vehicle for people close by to "hang out," rather than offering true matchmaking capability. There's a safety element that is not being addressed as well, which doesn't really work for women.

But what if the capabilities of mobile dating were joined with your social media networks? So you could more easily meet friends of friends on Facebook or followers of followers on Twitter? This seems to be an appealing idea to a lot of people, and one that Snap.com seems to be promoting through its various apps, including AreYouInterested.com (an app that integrates online dating, Facebook, and mobile dating).

The power of mobile apps is that many are location-based, which means more spontaneity for the users. You can check your phone at the mall or the bar and see if there are any available singles nearby, making face-to-face meetings more immediate without going through the emailing and questionnaire process of many online dating sites.

In fact, most of the major online dating sites including Match.com, OkCupid, and eHarmony have launched their own mobile apps to make it easier for their members to meet. eHarmony claims 30% of its members join through their mobile dating app now. However, eHarmony doesn't utilize the GPS capabilities; it's more of a mobile version of the regular site.

So what is the future of mobile dating? And what about its success if you're looking for lasting love? It's a great option for you to meet more people, especially if it's linked with social networks or with an online dating site you're already signed up with. It can expand your network and options. Just remember to exercise caution when meeting people face-to-face, and don't expect that everyone using a mobile app has intentions of dating. It's best to be upfront about what you want, just like with online dating. And make sure you only meet your dates in public places.

For more information on some services which offer Mobile Dating you can check out our review of Match.com, our review of OkCupid, and our review of eHarmony

Recently, a friend of mine, “Jenny,” asked me a question about online dating: “If the online world is parallel to the regular world, why bother with an online dating site? Can’t you just meet someone somewhere else, like an online forum or chat?”

Well, the short answer is yes, you can meet anyone just about anywhere on the Internet, just as you can meet someone walking down the street to the drugstore. However, there are distinct advantages to using an online dating site from the very beginning. First and foremost, it’s a numbers issue.

Simply put, there are going to be more single, available and receptive people “congregating” at an online dating site than anywhere else, making it a one-stop-shopping experience of sorts. If you wanted to find someone in person, you could potentially find them at the grocery store - but you might also see families or elderly couples. Conversely, go to a bar and a club, and you might see more available people. Online dating sites are like a bar - one that’s always full, with no set hours, no loud music or smoke, and can be customized for any age bracket or range of interests.

Next, there’s the issue of intent. If you contact someone on an online dating site who is specifically looking for the possibility of a long-term relationship, chances are you might be looking to settle down, too. Someone who clearly states they’re only looking for flings will hopefully only pursue dates with those who are looking for the same. On online dating sites, intent is very clearly stated - and it’s implied that if you’re on a dating site at all, you’re looking for romance of some kind.

Conversely, on a regular social networking site or forum you have people there for a wide range of reasons. Some are looking for close friendship, but of the platonic kind. It’s much easier to get wires crossed and intentions confused. And since many don’t join those sorts of networks looking for romance, when emotions are stirred up they can knock everyone for a loop. Situations can become even more messy and awkward than usual.

That’s not to say perfectly healthy, lovely relationships can’t form just about anywhere - and you really shouldn’t blind yourself to the possibility of love, whether you’re on a dating site or at the post office. Still, if you’re looking to maximize your chances of finding someone compatible in the shortest amount of time, an online dating site is customized for that exact purpose. Why not take advantage of every available tool?

Few things are more exciting than when you finally find someone with whom you have much in common. Finally, you can have deep, meaningful conversations about your interests! You can make jokes that the other person will actually understand! There’s just so much to talk about!

...Except, there isn’t always that much to talk about. Maybe you just talked yesterday, and nothing interesting has happened since then. Maybe you’re talking through instant message and you’re both preoccupied with something else. Maybe it’s just difficult to come up with a new topic. Regardless, there’s bound to be a moment (or several) where you sit in silence.

For some, this can be panicking. It’s easy to make the leap from “nothing interesting to say right now” to “they must not be interested in me at all.” However, that doesn’t mean you’re necessarily jumping to the correct conclusion. With a little bit of advanced planning, perhaps you can keep your nerves at bay.

If you’re just talking to someone new, or you’re particularly worried about awkward silences, try sticking with emails for awhile. You can edit and streamline your message, and each of you can respond in your own time. Once you’ve moved up to IM’ing, remember that it is a different mode of communication. It’s natural to feel awkward. Similar to being on a first date, it’s okay to make a joke about the awkward nature of the shift - perhaps it will break the ice.

Next, remember that if you’re dealing with instant messaging, chances are you’re both multitasking. The common etiquette for instant messaging has become quite different than talking on the phone, for instance - you’re not generally required to give your full attention, or even officially end the conversation when you’re done. Is it rude? Perhaps. But ‘disappearing’ from a messenger might have more to do with that person’s internet habits in general, and less with whether they’re interested in you.

So what to do? Consider it a bit like emailing - say something when you have something interesting or funny to share, and consider it a peaceful silence when you’re not. Instead of thinking of it as a date where you’re sitting across from one another, staring at each other, imagine you’re both in a room at your respective computers, working until you take a break to say something.

Is it possible the person you’re chatting with isn’t interested? Sure, but you can’t make those big calls based on their IM habits. If they’re not interested, they’ll make it clear eventually. In the meantime, save yourself some stress, and try not to over-analyze every moment of silence.

Have you Googled your ex in the past few weeks, or peeked at his Facebook page to see what's going on in his life? If so, you're not alone. But it's difficult to move on to a great new relationship when you're still holding on to the past.

So what can you do to change things? It's easy to think that you've moved past your attraction. It's also easy to think you've moved on from hurt feelings and anger, but have you really? It's not so easy for most of us. And if you spend too much time thinking about your ex - either positively or negatively - you're preventing yourself from finding love again.

A study was conducted recently by YourTango where they asked over 1,000 readers about their exes - the good, bad and even worse behavior - and found the majority of them still can't get over their exes. 74% of women and 64% of men say they think about their ex too much, and even more have looked them up online (59% say they keep them as friends on Facebook).

It gets worse. Eighty-six percent admitted to looking at old photos of their exes. One third of respondents have had sex with their exes. There's not much assurance that you've really let go when you're willing to get physical again.

So what does this mean? It's time to take a hard look at your love life and where you want to go in the future. If you're stuck in the past, how much chemistry are you going to feel for anyone who isn't your ex? Or if you're holding a grudge, how can you open your heart enough to let in someone new? Is this the love life that you truly desire - to be stuck?

I think the first step in letting go of any past relationship is forgiveness. First, forgiving yourself and then your ex. When you forgive yourself for any behavior you see as naïve or foolish, you're on your way to real, lasting love. We all learn by getting our hearts broken. If you didn't see things as clearly as you should have, recognize that you are moving forward.

If your ex hurt you, realize that your anger towards him/her will continue to hurt you if you keep holding on to it. Letting go of that anger and bitterness is the greatest, most self-indulgent thing you can do, because you're allowing yourself to break those ties to your ex and open yourself to future long-term happiness. It's not a favor to your ex, but to yourself. Forgive.

If you're fantasizing about your ex because you're now single and lonely, put that in perspective. Was he really that great? What led you to break up in the first place? Was there a point when things didn't seem so great to you, but you stayed with him/her anyway because you were afraid of being alone? Understanding your true feelings can help you move on.