Advice

Do you find yourself posting on Twitter or Facebook at all hours? Do you tend to leave a digital trail of texts and emails rather than picking up the phone to call someone? While people are gravitating towards online interaction, it may be better to keep some things to yourself.

Maybe you feel more comfortable sharing over the Web to random friends and followers the details of your thoughts, interactions, feelings, or even questions about dating. Maybe you even have a blog that details each online date in its awkward progression.

If you feel comfortable sharing online, are you just as comfortable sharing in person with someone you just met? Likely not. There's something about personal space (mentally and physically) that keeps us comfortable, that preserves who we are - at least until we develop trust with another person. While you might have a few too many drinks and make some confessions to a date you later regret, there's no stop button when it comes to the Internet.

And just as there is the real you, there is an online you that builds its presence by sharing through social media and blogs. The problem is - where do you draw the line as far as what is too personal? If you blog or Tweet about your dating disasters and successes, then you run the risk of all of your future dates, boyfriends, or girlfriends finding out. Some might not be so comfortable to date you when you're so used to sharing everything - the good, bad and the ugly. And if you keep your blog anonymous, prepare to be revealed down the line. It can happen easily, so don't hide behind your words.

And I've said this before: don't friend anyone you're dating on Facebook until you are in a relationship. This may seem counter-intuitive to the easy way in which we connect with people now. After all, instead of asking for someone's number or business card many of us just friend each other on Facebook. But everything you've posted is accessible. Do you really want to admit to those drunken photos or your political or religious rants? And for those of you who like to express your success in dating or hooking up, it's a turn-off for potential dates to see it. Imagine friending a guy you like to see that he posts a bunch of comments about how many women he picks up? Not everyone is going to be so forgiving or try to understand who you really are.

The best approach is to decide how you'll present yourself online, and be consistent. While that seems like a lot of pressure, it's not. Just keep one thing in mind: less is better. Don't use social media or a blog as a confessional. Save the revealing for your significant other, not to please the online public.

When you are dating, you find out very quickly that you aren't the only fish in the sea. Even though you might think there aren't any good women or men "out there," there are actually more options than you can process or take in. People have a hard time finding Mr. or Miss Right not because there are so few options, but because there are so many.

There was a speed dating study done recently where the behaviors of two groups of speed daters were analyzed. One group was presented with a large number of options - 100 dates in a room. The other group was much smaller, consisting of only 30 people. What researchers found was that the speed daters who had a large number of people to choose from tended to assess their attraction by how the person looked - namely, age, height, and weight. The speed daters with fewer options were attracted to people based on less superficial qualities - like education, profession, or similar interests.

Dating is easy. The hard part is figuring out what you really want.

When we date, we're presented with seemingly endless options. Online dating provides an ever-rotating pool of candidates. We can now meet people to date through our social networks. We have access to dates on demand through mobile apps. And there's always the chance that you could bump into Mr. Right one night at your local bar.

When there are so many options, it's hard to focus on the person sitting in front of you, isn't it? Perhaps you're assessing your dates quickly, thinking that you could be missing out on someone who's "more" - more attractive, more successful, more charismatic, or whatever. So you don't really pay close enough attention to what is unfolding right before you as you're on a date.

Do you assess her quickly, deciding that she's nice but you don't feel the fireworks? Or do you notice that he fails to pick up the tab or is a little too nervous? While we often use these methods to gauge our attraction and whether or not someone is worth pursuing, they are not the best way to find the right person for you.

It takes time and patience to get to know someone else. First dates are deceptive because people usually put on their interview faces - but you can't possibly know what kind of person he or she will be until you go beyond that first date. It takes time for people to reveal themselves, and most of us aren't willing to wait.

My advice? Instead of focusing on the endless list of candidates and matching them up with what you want - whether it's good looks, a sense of humor, ambition, or a million other qualities - start thinking about how you want to feel in a relationship. Do you want to feel loved, respected, encouraged? Often, finding someone special isn't about all the wonderful traits they possess or how great the attraction is, but how amazing they make us feel, and how easy it is to be together.

When it comes to online dating, there's no bigger question than "How do I know which dating site is right for me?

That's the question YourTango tackles in Day Two of their Online Dating Bootcamp. Armed with a cadre of dating experts, YourTango reviewed a few of online dating's biggest players. This is what they had to say:

Match.com- The Pros: At over 20 million members, Match is huge. And not only does it give you access to a seriously wide range of potential dates, it also manages to be incredibly targeted at the same time. The Cons: Because the site is so big, you'll likely need to invest more time and energy into being proactive about finding a partner.

eHarmony - The Pros: The site accounts for 542 marriages a day - a massive five percent of all nuptials in the US. It's a great destination for those who are serious about settling down. The Cons: eHarmony is not for those who lack patience. The guided communication process can take a long time.

Chemistry - The Pros: Chemistry saves busy singles some time by automatically pairing up members and selecting daily matches for users. The Cons: The site does all the work for you, so it isn't ideal for those who want to have control over the search process.

Gay - The Pros: Gay.com is a hub for just about everything, from advice, to fashion, to - of course - dating. The Cons: Gay is just a standard dating site with no specific niche to narrow the search for Mr. Right.

OKCupid - The Pros: OKCupid is a free, fun, and has a social networking feel. The Cons: The nonexistent monthly fee means that just about everyone is on OKCupid. There's no system in place to filter the desirable dates from the fake profiles, scammers, and shirtless sleazebags.

Grindr - The Pros: For low-key hookups, it doesn't get any better. It's fast, convenient, and as anonymous as you want it to be. The Cons: If you're looking for anything more than a hookup, look elsewhere.

JDate - The Pros: This is THE site for Jewish dating. JDate is dedicated solely to pairing Jewish singles, and searches can be conducted by denomination for optimum compatibility. The Cons: non-Jews sometimes "crash the virtual party," so be on the lookout for singles who leave the religion field blank on their profiles.

ManHunt - The Pros: ManHunt is one of the oldest matching services for the gay community and now has more than 6 million members. The Cons: Like Grindr, ManHunt is primarily a hookup site. Don't come here if you're looking for something serious.

One Good Love - The Pros: One Good Love is designed by the LGBT community, for the LGBT community. If long-term love is your goal, this is the place to go. The Cons: Free access is limited. Payment is required for full access to the site's features.

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day One & Day Two
Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Four

There's been a lot of controversy recently over the man who emailed one of his Match.com dates his personal dating spreadsheet. In it, he lists the name, age, and photos of each match, along with descriptions of his emails or texts with her, and then notes from their dates. He rates each one's looks (on a scale of 1-10) and includes notes about whether he wants to "monitor [her] casually" or "monitor closely ASAP."

Unfortunately, this email went viral and became the subject of discussion and debate among many news outlets and blogs. Namely because this spreadsheet felt offensive to many online daters. After all, who would want to be rated as a "4" or judged according to a couple of email exchanges, or be "monitored" at all?

The reality is: don't most people have some way of tracking their dates, whether or not it's outlined in a spreadsheet?

Most online daters are communicating with several people at a time, especially men who often are the ones reaching out on a regular basis. When you send a lot of emails and meet a lot of different people for coffee, especially if you're using multiple sites, it's bound to get confusing.

Let's say you've been out with three women from one dating site and four from another. You're interested in continuing to date two of them and see where things go, but keep your options open. You see another match in your inbox and you reach out to her and see if she's interested. Unfortunately, you forgot that you met her a couple of months back on yet another site (when she had a different picture posted). This can be awkward for both of you.

Dating is to some extent a numbers game. You have to reach out to people and put yourself out there. You have to take some risks. If you do, chances are you'll be dating more than one person while you decide which one (if any) are right for you. And some people need to stay organized about it, whether using a spreadsheet, a notebook, or a bunch of post-its to keep track of everyone.

Some people may have a different perspective. Online daters can be so busy thinking about who the next match in their inbox might be that they don't pay full attention to the person sitting right in front of them. Instead of getting to really know someone, they're usually a little too distracted, and so don't make the best impression with any of the dates they meet.

Bottom line? Reach out to people. But then take time to get to know them. If you have trouble remembering who's who, then by all means - use a spreadsheet. Just don't email it to anyone.

Let’s say you’ve been emailing with someone for awhile, and you’re finally ready to have a first date! It’s scheduled on a day when neither of you have work, so it could be at any time of the day, for any length of time. The sky’s the limit! So where do you draw the line? If a date is too short, you might feel like you haven’t had time to properly get to know one another or determine if you have chemistry; too long, though, and you might get tired, creating awkwardness where there doesn’t need to be any. What to do?

As always, remember that you’re not the only one making all the decisions; talk to your potential match and see if they have any ideas. Some people just have less energy than others, and for them, one or two hours is all they feel up for. Others would happily go on a date all day long. Your potential match might not have outright preferences, but their suggestions might be more revealing than they consciously realize.

For most couples, a good date lasts about three hours. However, remember to consider what you’re actually doing on the date. If you’re sitting around chatting at a coffee shop, you could probably cut it a little shorter, particularly if you’re just getting a “polite” vibe and not really connecting. An “activity” date - going to a fair, for example - can last longer, because you’re spending extra time taking in the rides and games in addition to getting to know each other.

Also remember to consider potential extra time when you’re scheduling the date. For example, if you’re looking at a date on a weeknight, and you both have work in the morning, you might want to spend extra time talking - but you’re simply too tired.

Perhaps the most important thing to worry about is that a date doesn’t drag on unnecessarily if there’s no connection. After all, if there is chemistry, it doesn’t matter how short or long the date is - you’ll be left wanting more. We only tend to notice the length of a date when we’re waiting for it to end! So remember, if it goes well, the length of time doesn’t matter too much - there will be time for more in the future.

It’s not unusual to run into the stereotype that all who use online dating sites are socially awkward. Sometimes it’s not even a stereotype - there are undoubtedly those who are initially more comfortable communicating through text than face-to-face. However, here’s something to consider (or perhaps bring up in the face of good-natured teasing): “You get a lot less awkward after a few dates!”

See, romance may not be a skill, but social interaction is. And dating, no matter the venue, is social. So perhaps someone turns to online dating because that’s where they feel more comfortable starting out; through emailing and dating, they’re learning the same lessons and gaining the same skills as anyone else (though perhaps more at their own speed).

In fact, consider: online dating might even help your interactions that originate in person. Once you’ve been on a few first dates, you start to learn what you’re really looking for - and that what looks good on paper doesn’t always translate to chemistry. As you’re learning to identify what doesn’t work for you, you’re also learning how to recognize what does - thus, when you do encounter someone with whom you have an instant connection, it’s all the more apparent, and appreciated. Perhaps it might even spur you into asking for a number or a date, even if that’s not ordinarily in your nature.

Remembering that dating includes skills that we can all improve can be particularly helpful after an awkward first date, or even an email that didn’t turn out the way we’d like. And if we remember that every situation can be one from which we can learn something, we’ll both improve our skills and save ourselves from burnout and frustration.

So before you get discouraged by an insensitive stereotype, remember: the dating world, regardless of venue, is full of people of all strengths and skill levels. We’re not here to build ourselves up at the expense of others. Instead, we’re here to learn more about ourselves, and find the best romantic match. Who doesn’t want to be a scholar of love?