Profiles

As one might expect, we tend to take a very self-oriented approach when it comes to reading the dating profiles of others. In other words, while we’re reading we’re constantly asking ourselves whether we “fit” what the other person is looking for. This is natural, and in fact, it can be helpful to assume that others are doing the same thing when you’re writing your own profile.

However, it can be useful to look a little outside ourselves when we’re perusing profiles. Just as you can gain an insight into someone’s character by witnessing how they treat wait staff on a date, so too can you glean information by observing how others are treated on a dating profile.

For example, let’s say someone is looking for a very specific physical type. You may fit that physical type and generally think no more of it. But is the author of the profile direct and honest, or do they feel the need to make dramatic statements like “No one overweight! Put down the cookie, yeesh!”? If it’s the latter, they might be telling you more about themselves than their physical preferences.

Similarly, some profiles allow you to select the various races and ethnicities from which you might be interested in meeting someone. But if someone makes a big deal and says they’re willing to date people from every race except one specific one, it might be worth noting, even if you’re within one of the “acceptable” races.

Some people are simply attracted to a narrow range of types, and there’s nothing wrong with being specific on an online dating profile; after all, that’s how we customize our searches. But sometimes our profiles tell much more about ourselves and our character than we even intend. It’s not a bad idea to pay attention to these clues and even red flags, even if they don’t specifically pertain to us.

It also doesn’t hurt to skim back over our own profiles, our own phrasing, and make sure we’re not sending messages we didn’t intend. Is your profile consistent with your character?

When you're online dating, sometimes it can be hard to tell what a potential match's relationship goals might be. Is she looking for a fling, or something more substantial? Many people don't reveal their true intentions in a dating profile, but they do provide some clues.

New research by The University of Texas found that when a woman is looking for a fling, she tends to talk about herself in her profile. But if she focuses on the traits she desires in a man, she's likely looking for something more serious.

For the study, researchers asked single women to record video profiles for an online dating site. After the video was recorded the women were asked questions about their relationship goals. They discovered that women who talked about the kind of partner they wanted were more selective, whereas the women advertising themselves were just looking to have fun.

Following are a few more tips to help you recognize what her relationship intentions are:

She's completed a profile. Most women who are serious spend a lot of time answering questions and writing profile descriptions, compared to those who aren't. The more thoughtful she is in her approach and the more she shares what she wants, the more likely she is looking for a relationship. If she leaves a lot of blank spaces, chances are she's not so committed.

She's responsive. Many people set up online dating profiles just to scroll through pictures and see who's out there. If you notice she hasn't checked in for a week, or she responded to your emails and then abruptly stopped, then chances are she's not really invested in finding a new relationship (or she already found someone else). However, if she's engaging you in digital conversation, respond in a timely manner. It means she's interested.

She pays for the site. Yes, there is a difference between daters who sign up for the free sites compared with those who are willing to shell out some dough. When you pay for online dating, you tend to be more serious, because let's face it - it's easy to meet people for free. (This is especially true for women---they get all kinds of emails when they sign up for free dating sites.) But if you want to meet a quality match who is also willing to pay (a.k.a. find a real relationship), then you're best bet is to pay for it.

Everyone wants to be seen as interesting and multi-dimensional, and that can seem even more important when you’re writing a dating profile. After all, you can have a good time but be low-key as well! You can can dress down or up! You’re like one of those toys that can morph from an 18-wheeler truck to a refrigerator! But how to get that across in a limited amount of space?

The problem is, that “best of both worlds!” approach is sort of becoming a cliche. It should be a given that human beings are versatile, and we all have different sides to our personalities. Perhaps the most revolutionary approach to your profile might be to discard that approach altogether.

After all, a profile is the equivalent of a first impression, not a resume or a job application. Imagine a real-life first impression: you see someone in a public place - a concert? A bookstore? A microbrewery? - so you’ve only got a single location for context. The person that has caught your eye is wearing clothes; just one outfit, of course. After all, they’re a person, not a paper doll with an instant wardrobe of options. Thus, you’ve only got one outfit to see them in.

Once you approach them, you probably start off with some small talk appropriate to the venue and context you’re in. So far, everything seems very, well, one-dimensional. And yet, this is how we make friends and acquaintances every day. As you get to know them - maybe even in the space of that very first chat - other layers are revealed. But, most importantly, those other layers weren’t necessary to get you interested in the first place.

So think of your profile as your first impression. Try setting a scene instead of listing all of your interests. Your profile doesn’t have to necessarily stick to a theme, but instead of feeling like you have to encompass the broadest range possible, view too many extras as muddying the waters. Think about what you’d like someone to know about you first and foremost, and concentrate on that.

As dating is a very unique and personal experience, it’s possible you’ll want to switch up your profile later. But why not try an approach that’s a little out of the norm? By trying to prove you’re unique with many facets, you might just be sounding like everyone else.

It’s been frequently said that when it comes to dating, the first place to look is not just at the profiles of others, but at yourself. This is particularly true when you’re considering the type of person you’d like to meet.

Though it’s a section that’s included in most online dating profiles, many people hardly give it a second thought. As a result, you’ll see lots of generic cliches: someone funny, someone attractive, someone who enjoys long walks on the beach. While not particularly offensive, such a list doesn’t really help you; it doesn’t help you focus on what you actually want as you customize your searches, and it doesn’t help the reader get a sense about whether you’re actually compatible.

Thus, the first step is to sit down and really think about the kind of person you’re looking for. Are you looking for a person with personality traits complementary to your own, or similar? What kind of partner are you looking for? Now, separate from that, what kind of person are you looking for? As you go on dates, you might reevaluate your priorities, striking and adding qualities to your list.

Once you feel you have a more honest and less generic idea of who you’re looking for, the next step is to ensure that you’re the kind of person you’d want to date. Even if you’re looking for someone with complementary traits, there are likely many positive qualities you’d like to share. For example, are you as polite, kind and considerate as you’d expect your date to be? Are you as open-minded and non-judgmental? Do you seek adventure, like your dream partner? Even if we like an idea in theory, it can be easy to get lazy in our everyday lives, and our behavior can slip.

By being the sort of person we’d like to date, we have a higher chance of meeting and attracting just that sort of person. And, in the meantime, we have the added bonus of doing the things we enjoy and striving to be the sort of person we admire.

So as you sit down to write about the kind of person you’re hoping to meet, ask yourself: are you being honest and specific about your hopes and expectations? And are you the sort of person you’d like to meet?

One of the best things about online dating is its ability to connect you with more potential partners, from anywhere in the world, than you would ever encounter in real life.

One of the worst things about online is its ability to connect you with more potential partners, from anywhere in the world, than you would ever encounter in real life. All that choice is more than a little overwhelming, and when we're faced with an overwhelming number of choices we tend not to make any decisions at all.

What's the point of spending all that time browsing profiles if you're only going to window shop? Online dating doesn't do you any good unless you actually remember to do the 'dating' part, too.

Learning how to online date efficiently wasn't easy, but after enough wasted hours and dead-end profiles I've finally figured out a few key ways to identify dates with real potential. If you're in the market for something more serious than a few flirty messages or a quick hookup, be on the lookout for these four signs you've found a promising partner:

1. They've got a positive outlook on life. You wouldn't want to spend your life with someone who was consistently pessimistic, so why start a relationship with someone who is already showing off their negative side? Profiles that are cynical about relationships, whine about their exes, or otherwise talk about the ways life gets them down are not good date material.
2. They're confident but humble. There's a fine line to walk when you're dating online - you have to present your positive qualities (because if you don't, who will?), but you don't want to come off as arrogant or narcissistic. Avoid profiles that cross the line and seem more interested in talking about themselves than learning about you.
3. They've got something going for them. That 'something' can be pretty much anything - an intriguing hobby, a passion for travel, an interesting job - as long as it exists. What you don't want is a profile that seems totally directionless. If every picture takes place in a nightclub and is captioned with something about how wasted they were that night, long-term dating probably isn't in the cards.
4. They're taking it seriously. We've all run across those profiles that consist of only a few sentences, one of which is probably something about how they don't know what to say or aren't really sure about the online dating thing. Don't date a waffler. Unless it's clear that they have a profile because they're genuinely interested in meeting someone to date, don't waste your time.

Imagine an online profile that went something like this:

“I’m not like the others. I don’t like chick flicks or horror films. I also don’t like science fiction, action or adventure. I can’t stand Thai food, and pizza is the worst of all. I’m not interested in hiking or any sort of athletic activity; frisbee is probably the most pointless game ever. If you’re looking for someone with whom to make spontaneous plans, I’m not your person. Oh, and if you’re looking for fun, you might as well skip this profile right now. Message me if you’ve got the nerve!”

Sounds silly, right? Not to mention completely negative. You can almost imagine the dour expression of the author as they flatly list off everything they can’t stand. Plus, we still don’t know much about the author other than their negative attitude; we know what they don’t like, but nothing about what they do. But in reality, no one would ever write a profile like this - right?

Well, maybe not exactly, but it’s actually not uncommon to come across profiles that spend more time talking about who they’re not and what they’re not looking for than any concrete, positive details about themselves. You might have seen something like this:

“I’m not looking for drama - in fact, I hate playing games. If you’re someone high-maintenance who demands to know my every move, you’re probably not for me. I’m not a big partier, and I think most clubs are a waste of time. If you’re a member of another religion or political party, thanks but no thanks. Not interested in people who don’t have a sense of humor or can’t understand sarcasm. It may sound blunt, but I tell it like it is. Message me if you think you can handle it.”

Again, the example is a little extreme when taken as a whole, but the individual statements pop up all the time. Just like the first example, the statements bring down the tone of the profile, making it feel negative, and they still fail to state anything much about the author (other than a red flag).

Those individual statements can sound innocuous when surrounded by interesting, positive material, so they have a tendency to creep in without our realizing them. As such, one statement can probably be overlooked (unless it’s your own profile, in which case you might want to reword if possible). However, more negative statements like these should indeed be a red flag; if nothing else, they might be indicative of a generally negative outlook.

So as you glance over your own profile as well as those of others, think critically about what the profile is really saying. Does the profile tell you about the author and draw you in? Or do you have a better idea of what their dislikes and dealbreakers are?