Profiles

It’s funny: when we think about romance in our everyday lives, we tend to think in concrete terms, like, “maybe I’ll meet someone nice while I’m at this party.” When we think about online dating, we begin to fantasize: “Maybe I’ll meet my ideal image of a perfect date.”

It’s unclear why we jump to such extremes, but it probably has to do with the fact that media depictions of online dating are pretty extreme: online dates are usually either terrible or wonderful. Often, they’re absolutely awful until the protagonist meets that perfect match. One doesn’t often see a more accurate depiction: people who are perfectly nice human beings, maybe even attractive, but simply lacking that spark of chemistry.

It’s a good idea to analyze your expectations: are you falling into the beauty-or-beast trap? Falling into this trap can actually affect your dating experience. Consider: if you’re expecting everyone to be either beastly or your ideal, you don’t quite know what to do with those who fall somewhere in the middle. As such, you risk erring on either side: on the one hand, you might be so pleasantly surprised that your date is not an ogre that you agree to more dates, even though you’re ultimately not compatible. Or, even worse, you might overlook someone who does have relationship potential because you weren’t falling out of your chair at the sight of them.

In either case, you would have been better served if you had realistic expectations and confidence in knowing your own priorities. You would know to trust your gut if, ultimately, you’re not feeling that spark of a connection, even at the end of a night. Conversely, you might also be willing to open up and get past the wow-factor of a first impression. Because you’re prepared for a gray area in your dating prospects, you’re able to give the matter serious consideration, instead of trying to shoehorn your dates into Angel and Devil boxes.

You’re also more able to view your dates as real people, rather than caricatures: you’re not just adding to your collection of “terrible first date” anecdotes, or building a cutesy “how we met” tale. Real life is often far more nuanced than fiction, and being prepared for the former allows you to enjoy that distinction.

So as you take on the world of online dating, ask yourself: are you expecting either a beauty or a beast? Or are you prepared to meet real people who are far more interesting than either?

Everyone knows that being genuine in online dating is helpful; you want your potential match to be drawn to the real you, after all. But is it really necessary to pour your heart and soul out into a profile? More importantly, what should you be holding back?

We tend to place quite a lot of emphasis on writing our profile. It’s natural; it’s the one element of the dating process over which we have complete control. We can’t always control the first impression we make on a date; maybe we’re caught in a rainstorm on the way there, or we’re coming down with a cold so we’re foggy-brained and weak-smiling at best. An online profile, on the other hand, can be meticulously constructed so that the reader sees us at our very best.

But ultimately, the profile is just a way to assess whether we want to send a first-contact email to someone. And the response to the first-contact email isn’t a proclamation of love; again, we’re mostly just checking for red flags to see whether we want to meet in person. It’s in person that the real evaluating can begin. Profiles are helpful in assessing potential - and rest assured, many red flags can show themselves even in the simplest of profiles - but they ultimately aren’t that helpful in assessing chemistry.

So maybe you don’t really need to stress over your profile. It can be unnerving, leaving more up to that first date, where you have less control, but it’s focusing your energy in a more productive direction. In the meantime, you can control what information you do - or don’t - share.

Obviously, you don’t need to share your home address or physical work details - that’s just common sense in safety. What you might not consider is that you don’t have to share your favorite locations, either - the coffee shop you love or the park you visit daily. While it may feel comforting to be in your element on your first date, it’s not so comforting if the date doesn’t work out - and your non-match now has a new favorite spot.

You don’t have to share any details about your life that are particularly private or sensitive. Remember, you haven’t even met on a first date yet. If your potential match is encouraging you to get “close” before you’ve even met, it could be a red flag for a scammer (remember, the goal is to meet, not fall in love with a pen pal). Even if there’s no ill intent, it’s a waste of time and energy - you can share all that later when you’re sure there’s a connection in person.

You don’t have to add them to your social networks; in addition to the fact that there might be personal information there in the form of pictures, comments from friends, and so on, it’s just another tie you’ll have to sever if that first date doesn’t work out. Or a connection you’ll leave awkwardly open. Again, save it for later.

It can be exhilarating, corresponding with a potential match, forging a potential connection over a shared passion. It’s tempting to emotionally jump in with both feet before you’ve even met. But by being aware of what you can keep to yourself, you might keep your feet a little more anchored to the ground - and thus ready to spring in when you really do have an in-person connection.

When it comes to performing online dating searches, sometimes your biggest enemy can be yourself. Why? Imagine you’re trying to solve a complex math problem, but you don’t have access to a math book, or a calculator. You try to puzzle it out yourself, but the answer is wrong. You walk away and come back to it later, but the answer is still wrong. You didn’t magically gain any new knowledge.

Online dating can be a bit like that: when you hit the same wall over and over, sometimes it’s because you’re hamstrung by your own limits. It’s hard to think outside the box because, well, it’s your box.

First, consider the sort of searches you do. Are you looking for the same key words, over and over? The same sorts of statistics? Why not try mixing it up a bit? Again, it can be hard to think of anything brand-new, so go all-out silly with it at first. Heck, do a search for the word silly. You might not ultimately find what you’re looking for, but you’ll likely find something different from the same old thing - and reading a new profile might make you think of still something else to search for, and so on, down the rabbit hole.

Next, consider the searches you aren’t doing - because your own preferences are keeping them from popping up as options. Is height really that important to you? What about age, or body type? Sure, it can be fun to watch your options winnow down to what is theoretically your dream match, but if your problem is that your options are too few, the problem may lie in what you’re looking for.

Age, for example, is one factor that people tend to feel strongly about, while at the same time admitting that it’s not a one-size-fits-all element when it comes to personality. You can be twenty going on thirty-five, and sixty going on twenty-three. But consider this: chances are you’ll be able to tell if someone really is “young at heart” or “mature for their age” just by reading their profile, let alone going on one date. Are you really that put out by taking time for a little extra reading or dating? And on the flip side, you’re opening doors to possibilities that weren’t there before.

Next time you tweak your profile, take a chance and get rid of as many preferences as you dare, just to see who’s out there. Similarly, try searching for something completely unlike you. You might just find something - a quality, a preference, an entire person - you didn’t even know you wanted.

It’s hard to participate in online dating without a profile. For many, however, the profile is exactly what’s keeping them from joining in. The problem? Before even typing their first word, they check out other profiles and decide their lives aren’t glamorous or adventurous enough. “I’m just a regular person with a regular life,” they might think. “No one will look twice at me.”

In reality, what’s holding them back is not their “regular” life - it’s their perception of it. Very few people are supermodels or brain surgeons or paleontologists; of those who are, very few live lives comparable to what you’d see on TV. Meanwhile, people with perfectly average lives find love every day. So what are they doing differently?

For some, it’s all about attitude. Think about some of the jobs considered “exciting” that were just mentioned: brain surgery, paleontology. Why might these jobs be considered glamorous or exciting? Because they’ve been featured on TV and in movies. More to the point, we’ve seen people who were passionate about their work, and it stuck with us. Pretty much any job can be exciting, if you’re excited about it and let it show.

But let’s be honest: not everyone is excited about their job. Not everyone has a job. And that’s okay too: chances are, there’s something they’re still passionate about, whether it’s a hobby or a dream or a goal. Everyone’s lives contain varying amounts of excitement; the key is to let what you love define you, not just your vital statistics.

“Well, fine,” some might think, “but I still have to talk about my job and it’s obvious I don’t love it.” Firstly, you don’t necessarily have to go into any amount of detail; in fact, many specifically avoid doing so for security or identity concerns. You’re searching for someone with a compatible personality, not a compatible career.

Secondly, there’s no reason why you can’t be honest about the fact that you’re not nuts about your job, or job status. There’s no shame in saying you’re working as a means to an end, or that other parts of your life are more important, or that you’re actively searching. Those who would be less interested in you for being honest and open aren’t worth pursuing, anyway.

So when you write your online dating profile, don’t feel trapped if you don’t feel you fit the right “mold.” Remember: you’re not competing for Most Successful. All you’re trying to do is find someone who’s a good fit for you - and perhaps such a person is a little “average,” too.

In online dating, the user name you choose is essentially your name. It’s one of the first things a potential match will see, and it’s how they’ll remember you, think of you. It’s all part of the first impression package - so let’s make sure you’re sending all the signals you intend to, and none that you don’t.

First, it’s good to have a user name that is somewhat memorable - to others as well as yourself. Sure, your first name and the year you were born might seem simple and fitting to someone who knows you, but here you’re telling potential matches that all you have to say about yourself is the year you were born (which might be a touchy subject to begin with). Similarly, you might want to avoid any names that paint you as lovelorn, like “waiting for Cupid” or “holding out for a pince/princess.” For one thing, it’s something of a cliche; for another, it’s redundant. After all, everyone is waiting for Cupid - how would that make you memorable?

Instead, think about your interests, or something that’s easily identifiable. For instance, if you have curly hair, you could use a play on that, or combine it with an interest. You could also just pick words that are interesting, memorable, and sound good together. If a potential match somehow loses your profile and wants to find you again, they’ll have a much easier time with a more unique name than wading through variations of names and numbers.

At the same time, you want to make sure your name doesn’t reveal anything you don’t want it to. Don’t use a name you tend to use elsewhere; you might have mentioned details about where you live, or work, and that’s not ideal when it comes to safety. You might have mentioned past relationships, or other personal details, and that’s not ideal when it comes to privacy and embarrassment. Either way, it’s best that your dating name is kept separate.

Finally, don’t forget to make use of a search engine and make sure your name isn’t taken by anyone or anything you wouldn’t want to be associated with. In this day and age, it’s hard to be completely unique, but if your user name is clearly held by, say, a company or a famous figure or someone spewing hate all over the internet, it’s worth tweaking it.

Choosing a user name doesn’t have to be stressful, but it shouldn’t be an afterthought, either. With just a few simple tips, you can come up with a name that’s more personalized and memorable - just another way to stand out from the crowd.

There’s no question that there’s something personal, even intimate, about the idea of the anonymity of the Internet. When no one knows who you really are, you’re free to be whomever you like - whether that’s someone completely out of character for you or your most genuine self. It can be easy to share truths and secrets.

For some, this is the sort of relationship they have in mind when they think of online dating - two people falling in love, perhaps via long distance, maybe even never seeing one another, but getting to know the “true self” of their true love. Perhaps there are success stories out there that have unfolded along these lines, especially in the earlier days of the internet.

However, that’s not really what one should expect from online dating today. In today’s world, the internet is hardly anonymous - and neither is love, for that matter.

The point of an online dating website is to find someone with whom you want to meet, not to fall in love with a faceless, nameless avatar. Once you meet in person, you determine whether there truly is compatibility, and you begin the time-tested process of getting to know one another. In general, you don’t spend months exchanging emails; indeed, you’re less vulnerable to scams and wasted energy (what if there’s no spark in person?) that way.

The problem is, many people still think of the “old,” anonymous internet when they write their profiles. No, you don’t need to give hard details about your address or place of work (that wouldn’t be safe, either), but you have to remember that your profile is not an online journal message magically sent to your future love; it’s a posting that will be read by anyone, including people you’ll potentially meet soon. It’s one thing to bare your soul and your insecurities to your diary; it’s another thing to unload this on someone you’ve just met.

As you construct your profile, imagine you’re chatting with someone you’ve just met. Is it the time to bring up past baggage? Maybe not yet. Is it appropriate to reveal intimate, romantic details or fantasies? Perhaps you’ll want to at least wait until your first in-person meeting. What about your most secret hopes and dreams?

Well, perhaps when you meet someone you truly spark with, you will want to share all those details and more immediately. However, your profile is not written for the eyes of only one person; it’s written for anyone who comes along. Nor is it entirely anonymous; it might be read by a friend of a friend who recognizes you, or a neighbor, or a co-worker. You might be writing for your future match, but you’re reaching a much wider audience.