Profiles

Writing an online dating profile can be difficult, especially when it comes to self-esteem. You’re essentially convincing the reader why you’re a great person and a great catch; that can be a little difficult if you don’t always remember or believe that yourself. However, you can potentially help yourself (and maybe even your own search process) if you just think about your priorities a little differently.

Many people think about their own profile in the most superficial terms, and work inward from there. For example, first they’ll focus on getting the right default pic; then they’ll focus on their accomplishments, like their job or some hobby they’re proud of. Only after all that do they start to think of their “inner” self and how to communicate who they “really” are to others.

The problem with this is twofold. First, all the emphasis is on the superficial, and that’s where many start to feel self-conscious (their job isn’t good enough, they’re living with roommates, their hobbies aren’t exciting). When you’re not confident from the beginning, the writing process goes downhill from there.

Secondly, the writer is forgetting that the main goal of the profile is find someone with whom they connect. And by focusing on their inner self as an afterthought, the profile focuses on the wrong things. It’s great to share a common hobby, and it can be a great starting point, but it doesn’t tell you much about compatibility.

So, a better approach might be to start by thinking about what, emotionally, you’d bring to a relationship. Everyone brings something: nurturing and support? Calming, laid-back decisiveness? Good communication skills? A sense of humor that diffuses most tension?

Pretty much everyone has a strength of some sort, so once you’ve identified what yours is you’re already feeling more confident. And the thing is, there’s no “wrong” answer, especially if you’re being truthful. Different people connect in different ways, and play different roles in various relationships.

As you go about your own searches, it can be helpful to keep this same mindset. Yes, this person is talking about their job, but what are they really saying about themselves? Are you interested in this person because they’re attractive or because they seem kind - or has the latter actually influenced the former?

As usual, the only real way to determine compatibility is to meet in person. But viewing online profiles with a different perspective might just narrow the field of potential matches in a different - or even more efficient - way.

We all know that people post older or misleading photos on their online dating profiles from time to time - photos from when they were younger, thinner, or had more hair - just to attract more people. This phenomenon is nothing new, but it's something that frustrates and puts a damper on people's online dating experiences, even though they might not complain to the dating site about it.

But what if a profile is even more deceptive - what if someone has posted a false identity with fake pictures to lure you in? What about extreme cases, like catfishing, where you've been swindled out of some money? Does the dating website have accountability in this situation?

According to a Florida mother and part-time model, Match.com should be held accountable for engaging in 'one of the biggest conspiracies ever executed on the Internet.'

According to a lawsuit Yuliana Avalos filed against the popular dating website, more than 200 bogus Match.com profiles were created using her pictures. She maintains that hundreds, possibly thousands of fake profiles are posted on the site, including those using her pictures, even though she's never signed up for the site.

The lawsuit also claims that "thousands" of others - including celebrities, soldiers and adult actresses, have had their pictures taken from Facebook and other sites and used in creating fake profiles for Match.com. Avalos maintains in the suit that people (mostly in other countries) use the photos and fake profiles to scam people out of money. She says Match.com knows this and looks the other way, because the IP addresses of scammers show that they originate in other countries, even though the Match.com profile claims to be posting from inside the U.S.

Avalos maintains that Match.com could crack down on these fake profiles if they wanted to, simply by using facial recognition software, but they choose not to.

In the suit Avalos asks for $500 million in money damages for the thousands of victims, and another $1 billion in punitive damages.

Although Match.com has been sued over fake profiles before, these suits have been dropped because of the terms of its user agreement. Match.com says it isn't required for them to police the site and so the company isn't responsible for fraudulent information people may post.

The outcome of this lawsuit could change the online dating landscape - especially if companies are required to take action and crack down on those posting bogus information. Online dating could get more expensive for members. It could also bring down membership numbers that are used to boost ratings and attract people to various sites. But then hopefully, it would protect people from being manipulated and cut down on the amount of catfishing taking place in the online community.

We'll see what happens next in Avalos' case.

When we view someone’s profile, we’re reading about that person in their own words. Thus, the literary concept of the “unreliable narrator” applies. This person says they’re quite a catch - but are they, really? They say they’re low-drama - but is the fact that drama is even brought up signifying something? Even the most compelling, best-written profiles should be taken with a grain of salt until you’ve met in person and hopefully acquired more information, even if it’s just a gut feeling.

So we know that profiles can not always be completely trusted - so what about the preferences of the author? Are they really looking for someone within that exact age range, or would a year or two matter? What about an inch in height? Or body type - how we even define body type is purely subjective, so what would this person make of yours? We have the preferences spelled out in front of us, but should we listen?

The answer is essentially, “How do you feel about gambling?” There’s typically no rule that says you can’t still send someone a first-contact email, even if you don’t fit their specifications perfectly. For some reason we tend to put extra emphasis on those “statistical” preferences like height and age - hard numbers we either fit or don’t. In contrast, we wouldn’t think twice about contacting someone even if we happened to dislike their favorite TV show. Indeed, we actually get less information from those statistical preferences, because there’s usually no room to explain or qualify; are these loose guidelines, or hard rules?

So you can still email whomever you please, but you’re running the risk that age or height or whatever else is actually the most important aspect to them, and that they won’t be pleased you ignored their judgment. For many, though, the risk is worth it: you wouldn’t have been matched up otherwise, so it’s either a gamble that pays off or, worst case, you get one irate email. The decision is yours.

A few points to remember, though: you’re doing this at your own risk. You might get an irate email, or worse - one that is deliberately cruel. If you’re sensitive, you might not want to put yourself through the unneeded stress. Also, if someone does reply that they’re not interested, never, ever argue the matter with them. Some people take a polite refusal as an opportunity to bargain, but it’s the quickest way to turn a situation sour. When you sent the first-contact email, you were seeking clarity; now that you’ve got it, let the matter drop.

Sometimes it’s best to take someone at face value, especially if they’re saying something like, “I’m not interested in commitment” or “I’m only looking for something in the short term.” You might think you can change their minds, but don’t be shocked if ultimately you can’t. Quibbling over points of compatibility is one thing; striving to change life decisions is another.

So if you see a profile that seems perfect except for one niggling point, it might not be a bad idea to contact them anyway and see where it goes. Just remember: the true test of compatibility involves meeting in person. Whether or not this gamble pays off, it’s still best to take the profile with a grain of salt.

When writing an online dating profile, it can be easy to become anxious. Most of what we focus on is what we can control - how we’re coming across in this sentence or with this picture. Sure, there’s not a lot we can control when it comes to the chemistry between two people, but we focus on making the best first impression we can.

The problem is, though the approach is logical, we wind up placing a lot of emphasis on the judgement of others, rather than whether we’re really looking for a connection with another person. In fact, we can put so much weight on whether the reader is interested in our profile that we don’t always wonder whether we’re even interested in them!

Sometimes filling out a profile and going on a first date can feel similar to a job application and interview. It’s important to remember that it’s not the same thing. If any “interviewing” is taking place, it’s mutual (actually, that’s not a bad thought on a job interview, either). If you view a relationship as a power struggle, or inherently imbalanced, you’re likely getting off on the wrong foot.

Instead of focusing on whether our appearance is perfect, our profile is flawless, or whether we make the best “first date,” perhaps we ought to remember why we’re dating in the first place: to find someone with whom we feel comfortable, “ourselves,” and whose company we genuinely enjoy.

It doesn’t hurt to remember that while we’re checking out the profiles of others, either. When you’re actively aware that you’re searching for a “new best friend,” as it were, it seems a little sillier to quibble over an inch in height or a year in age. It’s easier to find a solid match when you’re viewing a list of profiles with that goal in mind, and not like a row of dolls in a toy store.

Sure, it can be exciting and intoxicating to consider the potential romance that may await you. And when it comes to our own behavior, it’s easy to slip into a competitive, perfectionist mode. But before you become distracted by such tangents, ask yourself: are any of those qualities useful when it comes to finding real compatibility?

One of the most disappointing things to see on an online dating profile is someone who refuses to confidently state who they are. Instead, they’ll say, “My friends and family say I’m...” Yes, they probably just don’t want to brag; maybe all those claims are completely accurate. Still, most of us would rather meet someone rather than interview their friends and family first, and that’s essentially what that kind of profile is doing.

However, that doesn’t mean that you can’t pick the brains of your loved ones when writing your profile. It can be difficult to think of yourself from an outside perspective, especially when you’re just beginning. What would someone else find the most attractive about you? How are you perceived by others? These sort of questions can get you started, at the very least.

If you’re not comfortable actually interviewing friends or family, try thinking about how you fit into group dynamics. Are you the one who inevitably plans fun outings, or makes the recommendation that makes everyone happy? Are you the one who keeps tense moments light, or are you the kind who quietly supports the wilder ones?

So now you’ve collected some of the impressions others might have of you, and you’ve decided what you want to utilize (for example, maybe you’d like to play up your fun-loving side instead of rely on the aunt who thinks you’re just so dependable). Now that you’ve got your extra information, it’s time for you to own it, internalize it.

Instead of saying, “Well, my friends and family think I’m pretty cool...” say something like, “I can always be counted on to find the silver lining” or “I’m the kind of person who will always donate the change in my pockets.” Yes, maybe that assertiveness would come off as a little much if you were trying to sell yourself in person - but you’re not in person, and no one is going to swoop in and do it for you (and again, in a relationship you don’t really want anyone else involved but you and your potential match, right?).

Having the support and positive opinion of friends and family can be a great help; they love you and see the best in you, and they can point out aspects of yourself that you might not be aware of. Just the same, their direct quotes and opinions don’t have much place in an online dating profile. Feel free to reword and incorporate them instead; chances are, they won’t mind a little editing for the sake of your profile.

A difficult aspect of online dating is the struggle to view everything with fresh eyes. For example, let’s say you want to step out of your own personal box politically, so you purposely don’t filter for your own political beliefs. But after three dates confirm all your stereotypes, it’s hard to view the next one with the same optimism. Yes, you know every person is an individual and you shouldn’t lump them all in one box... but it’s hard not to.

There are a few ways to cope with this issue. One is purely psychological: instead of viewing your profile - or even your mental list of wants and needs - as a fixed list, think of it as a work in progress, constantly evolving. So you want to be open-minded, but you really can’t bite your tongue when it comes to that political issue. Fine; maybe that’s just something you can’t compromise on at the moment. It might change in the future, but if filtering for your beliefs now gives you a greater chance of finding someone with whom you get along, that’s exactly the point of the filter. Online dating strives to make the process easier, not more difficult.

Another tactic is to attempt to mix things up, and thus avoid falling into a rut. Maybe you alternate online dating with making a sincere effort to get out and meet people the “old-fashioned way,” whether that’s through a club, church, or just approaching someone who strikes your fancy. This way, you don’t feel like you’ve limited yourself to one approach. Furthermore, the skills you gain in one can serve you well in the other - approaching people in person can make those first dates with an online match more natural, whereas getting used to sending first-contact emails can making approaching someone in person less daunting.

Another way of mixing up your routine is to try out different kinds of online dating sites. Perhaps you have a niche interest, but you’re wary of “boxing yourself in” with a niche site as the primary place you search. By trying out different sites in addition to your “main,” you can explore your niche interests and possibly even discover that you feel more comfortable in another community. Conversely, you might find that interests are less important to you than some other value - but again, you’re simply refining your priorities, not redefining them.

Doing anything long enough can feel monotonous, even dating. Taking proactive steps to combat the issue can help prevent burnout and jaded feelings and keep the process feeling fresh and fun. After all, when you do meet someone with whom you share a spark, whether through a serendipitous event or via an online site, you want to be able to appreciate and recognize it.