Advice

If you’ve participated in online dating before, you’ve probably heard that in addition to using reason and making careful choices, you should also listen to your gut instinct. Indeed, this is probably the combination you should be using all the time, in every decision you make! Traditionally, you’ve probably heard about “listening to your gut” when it comes to issues of safety; whether it’s a premonition or just your brain putting together tiny clues on a deep level, it’s true that listening to a “bad feeling” is generally a good idea (better safe than sorry, after all). But listening to your gut can be useful in other areas of dating as well.

Have you ever made a snap judgment about someone the moment you met, only to be proven right in the end? Not about something superficial, like what they do for a living; something along the lines of whether they’re a good person or not. It’s possible to experience an instant dislike, rather like the opposite of chemistry; it’s also possible to immediately feel comfortable with someone. Perhaps you’ve already experienced this with one of your close friends.

Listening to these gut reactions can prove to be valuable, if only because they can save you time. If you feel, on some level, a dislike or an aversion to someone, why fight it? I’ve known people who have gone on second or third dates with someone they weren’t thrilled about simply because they couldn’t put their finger on what they didn’t like and they wanted to “give them a fair chance.” It’s entirely possible that there was nothing “wrong” with their date; they were just quite literally incompatible. So why waste time on dates that are falling flat, when they could both be looking for someone for whom it was much easier?

On the other hand, an “instant like” can tell you that it’s worth pursuing someone, even if you might not have very much in common on the surface. Some people just click, despite all their differences. I know a woman who instantly clicked with someone, and almost threw it all way; she worried about their conflicting politics and views and was very much in her own head. Luckily, she didn’t give up on the relationship, and the differences turned out to be not as pressing as she’d feared.

What if your gut instincts are telling you... nothing? Don’t worry! Some people take longer to loosen up than others, so you haven’t gotten a read on your compatibility. Or maybe your “gut” just doesn’t work like that, and you interpret the information you’re getting in some other way. Don’t feel that you have to feel an “instant like” or “love at first sight;” most relationships start with a spark and grow - they don’t spontaneously burst into flame. However, if your instincts are telling you something one way or another, it’s usually a good idea to at least seriously consider them.

Listening to your gut doesn’t always have to be in matters of safety; in fact, if we’re already used to weighing our instincts along with our rational knowledge, we’ll be all the more equipped to listen if we get a strong message one way or another. And let’s face it; when it comes to love, so much of it is based on nebulous, unquantifiable “feelings” and “chemistry” - so we might as well be listening.

I read an article recently about Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, (who have been dating now for several months), stating that he's getting a little weary of her controlling nature. But then, he's a bit controlling, too. How do two controlling personalities get along in love?

I don't know if this is the case with Kanye and Kim, but it raises an interesting question. Many singles - both men and women - like to take control not only of their careers and social lives, but of their romantic lives. Being assertive is helpful for achieving ambitious goals no doubt, but is it necessary for a happy relationship, or is it better to let things take their own course?

I know many men and women who approach their love lives with the same tenacity they have for their careers. They have goals, and they want certain things - despite what their boyfriends or girlfriends are able to and capable of giving them.

For instance, let's take the example of a successful career woman. She makes a lot of money, and she works long hours. She might expect her boyfriend to be available when she wants to be with him, but doesn't reciprocate and make time for him. Or maybe she doesn't like the fact that he's not as successful and pushes him to be more ambitious or to make more money.

Or there is another type of controlling behavior that can take place in a relationship. If one person isn't willing to compromise, to meet the other halfway in arguments, lifestyle, or decisions, it will be very tough to move the relationship forward. For instance, if a man is dating a woman and expects her to change the way she dresses, or demands that she take an interest in all the things that matter to him, or allow his needs and schedule to take priority over hers, they are headed for trouble.

Relationships aren't power exchanges. In order for two people to happily co-exist in a romantic relationship, there must be allowances for both people's needs. If one or both try to control how the relationship evolves or how the other behaves, it doesn't leave much room for compromise, tenderness, or understanding.

If you tend to take control in relationships, ask yourself what you fear will happen if you let go, if you let the relationship take its own course. Are you afraid you'll be vulnerable or hurt? Are you afraid your girlfriend or boyfriend might not respect or love you? Or that they might leave you? These are important questions, and understanding what drives you will help you better overcome these types of relationship hurdles.

The goal of any healthy relationship includes two partners who feel heard, understood, and loved. It's important to grow with each other, rather than to control each other and the outcome.

You have your own personal list of what you can do without and what you can't deal with in a relationship...but have you ever wondered how it compares to other daters' lists?

eHarmony collected data from over 700,000 singles to reveal the top 10 qualities people value most in a lover and the 10 qualities that are least important when searching for your match.

The overwhelming majority voted friendship into the top spot on the must-haves list (92% for women and 82% for men). No surprise there...as much as we are all occasionally guilty of being blinded by a nice smile or a pretty pair of eyes, it's no secret that a strong friendship is at the root of every enduring relationship.

Good chemistry was rated the second most important trait in a mate, followed by "Enjoying the way my partner makes me feel." Interestingly, "physical closeness" made it into the top 10 but "sexual compatibility" did not - with one notable exception. Sexual compatibility was more important for respondents aged between 35 and 39. Perhaps we reach our sexual peak later than we think we do?

"Men still tend to rank physical appearance and intimacy higher than women, but overall less than half of all respondents think physical appearance is an important quality in their partner," said eHarmony's Sarah Mason.

Other matters that seemed as though they should be important turned out to be trivial. A person's smoking and drinking habits, age, personal beliefs, and education proved to be relatively insignificant when looking for a potential partner.

In order, eHarmony found that the 10 most important qualities when looking for love are:

1. Friendship
2. Chemistry
3. Enjoying the way I feel around my partner
4. Being open about how he/she feels towards me
5. Personality
6. Kindness
7. Romantic attraction
8. Being able to talk about personal problems
9. Being able to discuss how I feel about him/her
10. Physical closeness

And then 10 least important qualities are:

1. My partner's beliefs
2. The amount they smoke
3. Age
4. The amount they drink
5. Ethnicity
6. Height
7. Education
8. Income
9. Religion
10. Knowing they are to blame when things go wrong

"(These results show) we're seeking true compatibility and personal connections," explained Sarah Mason, "and that despite what we may think and agonise over, habits and physical traits really don't account for much when it comes to finding a long term partner."

To find out more about the dating service which calculated the top 10 qualities people value most, please read our eHarmony review.

She prepared for the date like it was any other date. She had her hair styled and her nails painted, bought sexy new lingerie, and dressed in her most glamorous outfit. A little nervous, but excited to refresh her love life, she entered the restaurant and found her date.

He was attractive, but it wasn't just about physical attraction for her. She'd felt they'd clicked ever since they started chatting on an online dating site. After dinner they moved to a bar, and ended their night in an inner-city hotel room. The date was, by all accounts, a success.

"My relationship with Frank started with emails and texts," Louise told the Herald Sun, "and then we chatted on the phone and those phone conversations became longer and more personal. He'd shared what was going on in his life and I'd done the same. So although that dinner date was our first meeting, I felt I already knew Frank. I felt comfortable with him before I even saw him."

There was just one catch: Louise had been married for 13 years.

Louise was one of 15 million men and women around the world who had joined Ashley Madison, the infamous dating site for infidelity that launched in Australia in 2010. "I joined Ashley Madison for company, not to find a replacement for my husband," she explained. "I wanted excitement and more affection. My husband is always busy or tired. Time's ticking by and I want something more."

Kay had been married for 3 years and with her partner for 10 when she decided to join Ashley Madison. Her illusions of a happy family life were shattered when she discovered that her husband had cheated on her. When she had a chance to do the same, she didn't feel guilty about her choice. "Knowing I was attractive to someone else gave my confidence such a lift," she said. "There are a lot of guys in the same situation as me - kids, a loveless marriage and not getting what they want from their partner."

Helen explains her reason for cheating in just one word: boredom. "My husband works and I've been left to do everything. My life was working and raising kids. I lost myself," Helen said. "I met a guy about a year ago and we're still seeing each other. Our marriages are very similar we both have partners who aren't very motivated to make the most of life."

Readers: Have you had an affair? Would you?

It’s somewhat surprising, but even in this day and age, it’s common to hear dating advice that recommends pretending to be someone you’re not. It takes many different forms; there are the pick-up artists who literally have lines and approach dating and women like a scientist observing aliens. There are the “traditional” sorts who tell women to “let the man do all the talking.” It’s enough to make me wonder what these people do after the first date. How can you ever get comfortable in a relationship when you’re in a constant state of charade?

Now, that doesn’t mean that we all don’t put our best face forward when it comes to a first date. We probably don’t show up in sweatpants with our hair unbrushed, even if we spend most evenings that way; we clean up and dress nicely. We’re on our “best behavior.” We probably pay attention to what our date is saying a little more closely than we might someone else, and we do our very best to make good conversation. Still, when we do all that we’re striving for the “best version” of ourselves, not someone else.

Another difference that often comes up in dating is self-confidence. You don’t want your words or actions to imply that you don’t have confidence, especially when you actually do. But sometimes, particularly after a bad breakup or another rough time in our lives, our confidence is shaken. What then?

It’s a special case. For some, just acting like they feel better about themselves actually makes them more confident in turn. Others aren’t aware that they’re sending out signals of insecurity, and once they’re made aware of it they go away altogether. In any case, the ultimate goal is never just to act confident; it’s to actually have self-confidence. And it’s feeling confident in who you are already, not feeling like you have to behave differently or be someone else.

As you write your profile and go out on dates, you’ll probably get advice from all directions. Just remember that the end goal is to find someone with whom you’re truly compatible. Ask yourself: will taking this bit of advice help me or hinder me in my search?

Recently I was asked to look at a profile and see if I could come up with any tips for overhauling it completely. I gave it a peek, and was surprised; it wasn’t bad. Really not bad. In fact, I’d call it good.

I looked up, confused. “What’s the trouble with it?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Oh, you know. I just feel like it’s stagnating.”

I can understand that. After a certain point, the emails slow down to a trickle, it feels like everyone has seen your profile already, and you want to mix it up, maybe draw in new custom searches. “I see. So how have things been going for you?”

He shrugged again. “I’ve had several dates in the past few months. About the same as it’s always been.”

Perhaps I just have lowered expectations, but I don’t think a new date every few weeks is stagnating. And this was not a dropoff from some original high, either. Instead of a trickle, it sounds more like a steady stream.

My acquaintance was not suffering from a profile that needed help; instead, he was feeling at loose ends. He’d spent quite a bit of time tweaking his profile originally, and now he just wants to keep picking at it, even if it doesn’t need it.

Why? Well, maybe it’s because we feel like by improving our profile, we’re improving our chances at finding love. We feel more in control of the situation. It can be scary to think that some aspects have to be left up to chance, so we focus on the elements we have a say in - namely, the profile.

But at a certain point, it becomes wasted energy. Why mess with something that is not only deemed universally acceptable, but that is actually producing results?

There’s nothing wrong with freshening up your profile from time to time; in fact, it’s recommended! But if you find yourself with an urge to “fix” something that you know isn’t broken, consider a few alternatives:

If the profile has been bringing in sufficient interest, try focusing your energy on honing a different skill - writing that first email, making small talk. If a long-term relationship is what you’re seeking, try not to focus on the numbers, but rather look for progress in the duration of individual dates and relationships. Focus on the second date, on making a connection, on figuring out what you really want.

Understand that, ultimately, chance does play a role in finding love. Sometimes we all go through dry spells, and we don’t know everything about chemistry. You’re searching for a partner, not trying to create one out of a random person. Being more at peace with that can actually have a positive effect; you’ll be less anxious, less clouded with worry, and more able to determine if you actually are compatible.
So, instead of sitting down to pick at your profile once more, try taking a breath and diverting your energies elsewhere. Yes, it can be a difficult lesson to learn; but if spending time on other, more useful skills, whether it’s patience or the art of conversation, can only improve your relationships in the long run.