Advice

Dating can be pretty stressful. Sometimes nerves overtake us when we're meeting new people, and we try to put on a show to impress. My friend used to refer to this as "projection dating" - you both throw the best version of yourselves up on the screen (for the other person to gaze at admiringly), and then try to find a connection. The thing is, it doesn't usually work like that.

Connections are built on something more fundamental - that is, people are attracted to what makes you - you. It's hard to see that when dating, because we're all trying to be the best possible girlfriend/boyfriend prospects we can be.

But take your sales hat off for a minute and try to take a step back. You'll impress more when you come across as genuine, interested in your date, and sincere.

What to avoid on the next date:

Rattling off stats about yourself. Yawn. Nobody wants to hear a resume of your accomplishments, desires, etc. Try to engage instead of talk. Conversation is about two people connecting.

Trying too hard. If you're looking to impress with your job successes, houses, boats, cars, etc., you won't get very far. Sure, many women like successful men, but there's a difference between successful and being conceited, which is a real turn-off.

Being sarcastic. It's fine to be funny or ironic, but if you are trying to protect yourself from vulnerability through sarcasm it will backfire. Make sure your words and actions are respectful.

Looking nervous. Of course you might feel nervous, but try not to think about how the other person is judging you. Remember, you are both on the date - you are both assessing whether the person across from you is right. So loosen up, relax, and try to have a little fun.

What to do on the next date:

Ask her questions. You read her profile, right? That's a great starting point. Take one of her interests and start asking about it, maybe even suggesting the two of you do that on your next date.

Engage. This might seem intuitive, but don't look around at all the other women in the room, pay attention to your date. You'd be surprised how many men know better but do this anyway.

Compliment her, but don't overdo it. If you tell her she's beautiful all night she's going to resent it. Pick something specific to compliment, like how great her story-telling ability is or how gorgeous her eyes look with her dress. Women like compliments, but not if they feel forced or stale.

When we dress up for a first date, we probably look a little more “fancy” than we do on a normal day. This makes sense; after all, we want to make a good first impression, and it’s generally expected that this will be the case. But what about when we write our profiles? That, too, is a first impression, but at the same time we’re trying to let someone get to know us, get to decide if we’d be compatible. Should we “fancy” ourselves up then?

Perhaps on some level, everyone wants to come across as smart and sophisticated. When it comes to profiles, however, some indicators of intelligence and sophistication are so common that it’s become almost a cliche. Recently I asked someone what their interests were. I heard about their vacation destinations, but not about what they like to do on a typical weekend. Similarly, when asked to list cuisine they liked, they only mentioned the most upscale restaurants. This wouldn’t be a problem if it accurately reflected who they were most of the time - but it was really only who they were once or twice a year.

People have many sides. Sure, we might want everyone to know about our “sophisticated” side - the one that appreciates good wine and museums. But we’re doing our potential matches a disservice by masking our other sides - our love for a good tailgate party, or the fact that we’ve won the office costume party for three consecutive Halloweens.

And let’s face it - for most of us, it’s our less sophisticated side that we show most of the year. It’s nice to impress, but how does that bring us closer to finding someone we can be with for longer than an evening? Do you want your points of connection to be something you listed only because you thought you should?

As you write your profile, make sure you’re painting a picture that is flattering, but also mostly accurate. It’s one thing to take a picture in your best light, with makeup - it’s another to digitally edit your face into someone else entirely. So too is it with a self-summary. Would you rather someone be impressed by what you like, or be impressed because of who you are?

It is a long-held dating tip that certain subjects should be verboten on a first date. One of the first and most often cited is, of course, politics. If you’re in the United States right now, political rhetoric is pretty much everywhere you turn - so should you try all the harder to stay mum on that first date?

The key to this answer is knowledge - knowledge about who you are, and who your date probably is. In general, I don’t think one should necessarily keep quiet about politics on a first date; if politics is really important to you, there’s no reason to keep it quiet. If you’re someone who feels passionately about one cause or another and this is just your personality, chances are it’s apparent on your profile, anyway - and if you’ve agreed to a first date, chances are even stronger that you already know your date agrees.

In these cases, there’s no reason you shouldn’t talk about what matters to you. When you’re passionate about something, your date gets a good look at the real you - which, of course, is the point of going on a date in the first place. If this is a passion you share, it can be a good subject to bond over. Bear in mind, politics isn’t really the most romantic of subjects, but it can at least be a good way to get the words flowing before switching to something else.

What if you’re not passionate about politics, though? What if you’re incredibly moderate, or apathetic? Well, you might want to think carefully before you willingly open that can of worms. It’s entirely possible that someone with strong views can get along with someone who has no views at all, but during an election season, the apathetic voter can be most infuriating of all. Alternatively, your date might see you as someone ripe for conversion - so if none of these possibilities sounds appealing to you, don’t be afraid to pull the “I never talk about politics on a first date” card. And if things go south from there, well, perhaps the personalities are too dissimilar in the first place.

What about dates that are on the opposite end of the political spectrum, and you both know this in advance? It can be a good idea to set up boundaries before you even head out on this date. There’s nothing wrong with being adult and saying, “I know this is a potential minefield, and I’d like to get to know you beyond your political affiliation, so let’s just avoid these subjects for now.” Will they have to be addressed eventually? Yes, if the relationship moves forward - but perhaps by then you’ll have a foundation built that will weather the storm.

As you make your dating plans, it’s not a bad idea to consider whether current world events will bring certain differences to light. How you choose to handle such differences (or even similarities) is up to you; having a decisive game plan, however, is key. Talking about politics might be completely doable, but being blindsided by politics can be an easy way to get off on the wrong foot.

I know a man named “Sam.” Sam is in his fifties, and he’s probably been described as “popular” his entire life. He’s gregarious, he’s full of life, and everyone is always smiling around him. And what a sense of humor! He’s always cracking jokes, and they’re usually actually funny. He’s never had trouble making friends, and until recently he’s never had trouble meeting women. However, if you met him through the Internet, you might never know any of this.

You see, Sam grew up without having to express himself through the written word very often. When it comes to putting his thoughts down on paper (or an online profile, as it were), he comes across as much more stilted. And then there’s the technical aspect - he’s quite slow in actually typing, and sometimes capitalization and punctuation fall by the wayside. Despite his limitations he wants to include online dating in his life, because he just doesn’t meet many single people his age in his day-to-day life.

The good news is, Sam is well aware of those limitations, and takes them all in stride with his trademark sense of humor. He wants to make a good first impression with his profile, so he not only spends time on it, he enlists the editing skills of his family and friends. Every email is thoughtfully composed, and he’s not afraid to suggest a phone call or video chat over a conversation in an instant messenger. He’s honest with himself, and not afraid to take steps to compensate for his weak areas.

This is probably the best thing anyone can do for themselves, no matter where they’re strong or weak. Perhaps they’re shy and clam up in person - so they might make sure their profile reflects the sparkle that one usually only sees after to getting to know them. It’s easy to get frustrated when something doesn’t come easily, but it’s important to remember that everyone has their own limitations. And your success can sometimes depend on how honestly you see them or address them.

So as you step into the world of dating, consider your own weaknesses - and strengths! Knowing how to play up your strengths can be equally important. And as for your limitations, don’t take them personally; they’re just one facet of what makes up your unique personality. Don’t be afraid to ask for outside opinions or help; you know yourself best, but sometimes the challenge is just getting out of your own way. With honesty and help when you need it, others will hopefully get to know the real you.

Spend any time near an “inspirational” message, especially on the Internet, and you’ve probably come across this line: “Before you meet your Prince Charming, you have to kiss a lot of frogs.” While there are many metaphors one could choose when describing the dating scene, I find this one particularly inaccurate and borderline offensive.

First, it employs the same immature tactic often seen on sitcoms and in teenage relationships - the assumption that anything less than a “happily ever after” was naturally a horrific ordeal. True, some people find that, by the end of a relationship, the word “frog” is one of the most gentle names they can come up with, but by and large, most dates are not nearly as grim as media makes them out to be - even the ones that don’t ultimately work out. I’ve met plenty of people who aren’t a good fit with me personally, but I wouldn’t consider them a “frog” - and hopefully they wouldn’t think of me that way, either. Nor do I feel that meeting them was a trial I had to endure.

Next, it implies that all your problems will be solved once you meet that perfect person, your Prince (or Princess) Charming. Never mind the fact that there is a certain amount of work in any relationship, or that most people can’t even tell at first sight if this one is “the right one.” And what of those extremely lucky people who meet a good match early on in the dating process? Should their happiness be any less valid because they haven’t “earned” it by “kissing frogs”?

Metaphors are almost always clumsy, but if dating absolutely requires one, I submit that it should be a game of darts. There is a small percentage of people who manage to hit the bullseye their very first time. Most others hit elsewhere on the board, with varying degrees of success. However, their next throw isn’t quite as random as their first; they’ve learned something, and they’re adjusting accordingly. For some, the skill develops quickly, and it isn’t long before they’re hitting the bullseye; others require a little extra practice, or maybe tips from others. But no throw is a complete waste; it’s just another tiny step on the way to success.

Something to remember that’s not covered by either metaphor: you’re not really dealing with inhuman “frogs” or “darts” - you’re dealing with other human beings, just as keen to reach their goal as you are. Other people are learning from you just as surely as you are from them. So as you set our on your next date, remember to treat your partner - and yourself - gently. Finding a good match means learning as much about yourself as your partner. With your priorities in place, perhaps everyone will get their happy ending - and no one will feel like a frog.

Chances are, you’ve probably heard someone use the phrase “magic” when they’re referring to a relationship. Or rather, you’ve heard about the absence of it: “All the magic is gone,” “There’s no magic anymore,” “Once the magic is gone...” and so forth. What is this “magic” everyone talks about? And is it as important as we make it out to be?

When I asked people to further define “magic” in a relationship, it seems to take one of a few forms. First, they might be referring to “fireworks,” or infatuation. That might involve hearts pounding, hormones surging, and probably a good deal of flirting, because it seems like much of the thrill comes from anticipation. Everything is shiny and new.

If that’s your definition of “magic” and you’re worried about it leaving, there’s a bit of a problem: it almost certainly will. Eventually hormones settle down, things aren’t all that “new” and there’s probably less flirting and more comfort. Now, does that mean your relationship is stale and doomed? Absolutely not! In fact, many probably don’t even notice the absence of infatuation; they’ve naturally transitioned into a different kind of a relationship. Problems arise when you compare notes with starry-eyed, newly-infatuated friends, but just remember: “great” can be a bubble bath just as easily as a roller coaster.

When other people talk about “magic” they are talking about chemistry, which is just slightly different than infatuation. It, too, is most noticeable at the beginning of the relationship: those moments where you both discover you like the same thing, or you say the same things, or you just feel absolutely “in sync.”

Over time, you may notice the differences more than the similarities, but chances are you’re more alike than ever before - now you have additional shared experiences. The novelty of having something in common, however, has faded. Less exciting? Maybe. But when you’re spending most of your free time with one person, it can be a good thing to have your own hobbies and experiences; now you’ll have something to share.

And for yet others, the “magic” of a relationship refers simply to overall compatibility; whether they enjoy being with each other. No relationship goes smoothly one hundred percent of the time, but some do eventually run their course entirely. In this case maybe “magic” really is the most accurate word for it: that indefinable something that held two people together and is just as indefinably gone.

So if you’re worried about losing the “magic” in your relationship, ask yourself what you’re really talking about. Maybe you’re worried about the state of your entire relationship, and it’s worth analyzing a little more. But maybe you’re just not sure how to proceed once you’re past the initial stages of a relationship - and maybe the “magic,” in this case, will make way for something even better.