Advice

I hear one complaint more than any other from single women: "where are all the good men?"

While we might joke that the good ones are either already taken or gay, it's not true. Over 50% of the American adult population is single, so it's hardly a question of numbers. Instead, I say it's a question of attitude.

What I mean by this is, it often comes down to how you approach each and every date. I often overlooked the "nice" or "boring" guy on my quest to find Mr. Amazing. I felt like I deserved the whole package - looks, intelligence, some degree of career success - and if someone didn't fit my "type" then I shouldn't waste time in getting to know him. Unfortunately, this mentality worked against me, until I realized what was happening and changed my outlook. I needed to be more open, to see that I was looking for a partner with deeper qualities, like being kind and communicative.

There are many men who feel that the single women they meet dismiss them before they've even had a chance. (And for many men, it's hard to have that confident swagger we women crave after they've experienced a few rejections.) But this doesn't mean that they aren't "the whole package" in terms of being ready for a relationship. Often, the best men are the ones who don't come across as smooth and sleek the first time you talk to them - but they are the ones who are worth the time in getting to know them.

Obviously, not everyone is going to be a good match for you. I'm not suggesting you date someone you don't find at all attractive. But I am asking that you give everyone a real chance, and don't just dismiss someone or act as though you're wasting time because they don't fit your ideal of "the right man for you." Instead, it's good to approach dating with equal measures of optimism and curiosity. If you take the time to talk to him, to really get to know him, you might be surprised at what a gem you find. But how would you even know unless you gave every man you meet a real chance?

So I challenge you to do this in the new year: accept dates with men who ask you out, even if you don't feel that instant attraction, or you're unsure, or you're doubtful. Give each one the benefit of the doubt, and truly engage with them. Then see what happens.

For many people, online dating is a way to “get their foot in the door.” Perhaps they’re incredibly shy, or they have a tendency to put their foot in their mouth. Having an online profile allows them to give a glimpse of the person they really are without getting tangled up in the awkward first-impression stage.

However, there are others for whom the computer is an additional obstacle to their love life. Maybe they’re not used to expressing themselves through the written word. Maybe they’re just slow typers, and the idea of real-time online communication terrifies them. Whatever their individual story, they’re the ones who are wishing they could make that first impression in person.

However, even for those skilled at in-person interaction, it might not be as simple as just “finding someone.” Online dating is becoming one of the most popular ways to meet someone; if you don’t have any friends who know other single people, and you don’t have an online profile, you’re eliminating the biggest ways people meet each other today. There are many other reasons online dating might be a better fit; an unconventional schedule, or just a small town with no real social outlets, for example. Just because you aren’t computer-savvy doesn’t mean online dating isn’t a viable option for you.

So what can you do if you’re one who falls in the cracks? Start by getting some outside help. Get a friend or family member to help you proofread. The great thing about an online profile is that you can take all the time you need to create that first impression - and you can always change it later, too.

Don’t worry too much about real-time typing - that works for some, but it’s by no means a necessity. Be honest in your emails or even your profile - that you’re a slow typer or that you work better face-to-face. Phone calls or video chat can be an excellent alternative to typing if you want to get comfortable before meeting in person.

And if you’re a computer-savvy someone perusing profiles yourself - don’t dismiss a less-skilled profile right out of hand, particularly if there’s something about it that draws your interest. We all have different weaknesses, and the true test of chemistry comes in person, not through correspondence. Why not take a chance, send a contact message and step out of your own box?

Online dating is a great way to emphasize your strengths - as long as we remember that not all of our strengths are the same. A relationship is about communication, and there are many different ways to communicate; whatever your strengths, try not to focus on only the written word.

When it comes to online dating, much of the advice is centered around helping you land that first date, or even that first email. You’re focused on standing out, whether it’s through a funny headline, an unconventional default picture or just the fact that you’ve run spell-check, because you are only one of many people on dating sites and you want to be memorable. At the same time, you try to use the “numbers” aspect of online dating to your own advantage, emailing everyone who interests you because even a small return rate would be significant.

These methods are all geared towards “getting your foot in the door,” and for some people that’s all they need - a foot in the door. But some people only focus on that first date; once they get past it they aren’t prepared to mentally switch gears. Here are a few ways being slightly more prepared to do so can help your chances of building a lasting relationship.

First and foremost, think of the difference between a first date and a relationship as the difference between a sprint and a marathon. A marathon might brief periods of sprinting, that take priority at the time, but you don’t completely forget where you are. Similarly, you might know that getting your “foot in the door” is a necessary first step, but if your eventual goal is a long-term relationship, don’t forget it! How might this affect your decisions?

A prime example is in choosing the people you contact in the first place. Some people get so caught up in the “numbers game” aspect of online dating that they don’t really consider whether they’d be compatible with an individual. Then they find themselves on a first date with nothing to talk about, and wonder where they went wrong when it doesn’t go anywhere!

Another example is in how you mentally approach a first date. Some people get caught up in “rules” or “tricks” or “techniques.” They view a date as some kind of elaborate mating ritual or challenge they must conquer. They completely forget that in order to have a lasting relationship, you generally have to genuinely like your partner. Not every two people share romantic chemistry, and that’s okay; but denying yourself a proper chance to determine if there is that spark by being someone else is not.

So as you sit down to write first-contact emails and go on dates, ask yourself: by focusing on the sprint, have you forgotten about the marathon?

Many people find the need to tweak their online profiles after they’ve been out in the dating world for awhile. They’re not doing it just to keep things fresh or erase that reference to a TV series that’s since been cancelled; they’re actually changing content about who they are and what they want. Why? Have they actually changed in that short amount of time?

Not necessarily. However, some develop what might be called a “single persona” and a “couple persona.” It’s not done intentionally, and it’s not even necessarily negative. Here’s a fictional example:

Tim entered his last relationship when he was still in college, getting married shortly after he graduated. Now in his thirties, he’s divorced and newly single. He goes to write his profile - but it’s hard to identify where he had ended and his ex had began. Most of their interests were shared, and now he’s reminded of her, at least temporarily. Were they even his interests to begin with? He’s not sure. He defaults and begins to write about himself as he would have back the last time he was single - but that was back in college. He’s changed and grown since then - he’s just not sure into who.

After a few months, though, he’s got a slightly clearer picture. Not everything reminds him of his ex, and he’s beginning to realize that he misses birdwatching, even though it was something introduced by his ex. He’s beginning to sort out who he is, as an adult, not serving as the foil to someone else. Is it any wonder, then, that he feels the need to rewrite his online profile?

So if you happen across a profile after a few months and the tone has changed, don’t immediately jump to sinister conclusions - if they’re not literally a completely different person, it’s entirely possible they’re only just figuring out who they really are. And if you’ve been in the dating world for awhile, it couldn’t hurt to glance through your own profile. Do you think it still reflects who you are today?

When you first decide to take the plunge into the world of online dating, the smallest decisions can feel like big ones - and for some, the nerves start right from the beginning, in choosing an online dating site. What they often don’t realize, however, is that the decision is much smaller and less final than they think - and there’s no need to stress about it.

The most common worry is that they’re wasting their time with a site covered in metaphorical tumbleweeds, while meanwhile there’s some other site that’s a hotbed of activity - or at least has more compatible prospects. However, this fear is easily mitigated in several ways.

First, there’s no reason why you can’t check out a site before you decide to create your own profile, and decide which one is right for you. Many sites are free, and others at least feature a free trial. It also helps to get recommendations from friends and family, and read reviews online, remembering, of course, that what really matters is whether you’re comfortable. There’s no reason you should go in completely blind.

However, occasionally you’ll make your informed decision and still ultimately decide it’s not a good fit for you. This is where people often make their mistake; rather than acknowledging that they might be happier in a different venue, they stay on for months longer than they should. Perhaps it’s a “slot machine” mentality - they’re afraid that if they walk away, someone amazing will come along the second they’re gone.

That’s actually pretty unlikely. If the problem is that the people on the online site don’t seem to share your interests or aren’t at the same place in life, there’s no reason they should attract anyone different soon. If the problem is that there just aren’t that many people on the site, chances are most of the people who have profiles on the “tumbleweed” site also frequent sites elsewhere - so you’ll probably encounter that amazing person anyway.

And, of course, that brings up the final point: there’s no reason why you should limit yourself to one dating site, especially if they’re free sites. The beauty of the internet is that you can exist in more than one place at once; it’s not the same as choosing the one bar or club in which you’ll spend your evening. As long as you remember to keep up your profiles, why not maximize the benefits technology can bring, at least until you decide which site you like best?

As you can see, choosing an online dating site is not casting your future in stone. You can always do a trial run, change your mind and try somewhere else, or even have your cake and eat it if you’re torn between multiple options. So enjoy the benefits of online dating, and save your nerves for your first date! Go here to find our complete list of reviewed dating sites which you can break down by category. If you would like to specify certain attributes of the service you are looking for then I would visit our advanced dating site search page.

We know the Internet is good at bringing people together. Now, new reports suggest that it may also be good at tearing people apart. As the popularity of online dating grows, the divorce rate is also on the rise.

Studies charting the rise of divorce over the past 30 years reveal that the UK now has the highest divorce rate in all of the European Union (nearly 20 people in every 1000 divorce each year). Even Denmark, which has historically had the lowest divorce rate in the EU, has seen a marked increase.

Could online dating be a partial culprit?

As the Net spread in the 90s, the first dating sites were born and more and more people turned to the Web to find love. Now there are nearly a billion online daters in the US and Europe, and divorce is more common than ever. With one notable exception: amongst religious communities, the divorce rate is lower than in non-religious communities.

A study of religious groups shows that the rate of divorce amongst Christian communities is, on average, 53% less than amongst the non-religious. Another report says that while stats like these can't determine a clear reason for divorce, the numbers could support the argument that religious marriage is considered more important than civil marriage.

Why might that be? Experts have several theories:

• In this day and age, it's much easier to disconnect from someone if a relationship isn't working and remain confident that there are plenty of other options waiting online.
• People's interest in long-term relationships may have eroded now that they are faced with so many options for romantic relationships. Why settle down when you can date without serious commitment?
• Successful relationships are most likely to occur when a couple shares beliefs that transcend civil beliefs. There is also greater social pressure in religious communities to make marriages work.

Is this enough info to say definitively that online dating has increased divorce? Definitely not. There could be a correlation, but it isn't enough to prove causation. Still, it's interesting to look at the stats:

• 20% of current committed relationship began online.
• 17% of marriages in the last year began on an online dating site.
• 80% of current committed relationships began offline.
• 84% of marriages in the last year began because the couple met in a bar, through social connections, or during some other activity.

Food for thought.