Advice

Abby was getting discouraged with online dating. Well, to put it more accurately, she was getting discouraged with dating in general. She felt pretty confident about the online aspect; she got a fair amount of emails, both sent to her “cold” or in response to ones that she sent first. She’d been on several first dates, and so far hadn’t had any negative surprises. But they never seemed to progress past that first-date stage.

When asked, Abby admitted that she’s not just pining away by the phone; she didn’t feel a spark, either. “So,” “I reasoned, “You aren’t going on multiple dates with people you’re not interested in and who aren’t interested in you. And that’s... a bad thing?”

Abby laughed. “Well, when you put it that way...” she said. “I guess it just feels like I should be measuring my progress by the length of the relationship. I want a long-term, forever-relationship. I feel like maybe I should try to go for longer than two dates if I’m trying to go for the marathon, you know?”

I shook my head. “Even if you date someone for a few months, if you’re not feeling it, it’ll end eventually. And then you’ll be right back at that first-date stage. Isn’t it better to spend that few months going on dates with people who actually have the potential to be that marathon relationship?”

Ultimately, Abby has to shrug off her preconceived notions about what dating and success should “look” like and concentrate on actually finding a partner she clicks with. Now, that’s not to say she’s done everything perfectly; perhaps she needs to evaluate why she’s not clicking with anyone. Is she searching out the right kind of guys? Is she looking for some measure of perfection that doesn’t exist?

But these are separate, internal questions that she can deal with on her own time. If she’s comfortable and honest with the answers, it’s entirely possible that she just hasn’t found a truly compatible person yet. In the meantime, she need not despair: choosing not to waste her time, and her date’s, by pursuing an incompatible relationship is perhaps the farthest thing from failure.

So, you’re ready to go on your first date. Whether you’re heading out for a night at the opera or just meeting up for coffee, chances are the process in your head is rather formal. Think about it: two people meet to assess their compatibility. They’re sizing each other up for long-term relationship potential. They’re checking for red flags. Most importantly, they’re trying to get this first-date-stage over and done with so they can move on to the next stage in their relationship. How romantic, right?

It doesn’t help that most of the media we consume - TV and movies - only perpetuates the formality of a date. You might see two people walking along, getting to know each other and having a good time, but chances are it’s set up as an impromptu meeting, not a “date.” You’ve probably seen characters stress over whether they’re “really on a date” or whether “this means they’re dating.” The “date” label almost has more weight than “being in a relationship.” It certainly seems to carry more stress.

But it doesn’t have to! A “date” is, quite literally, what you make of it. Yes, there’s some part of your brain that’s checking for red flags, and the actual point of a first date is to assess your chemistry. Still, that doesn’t mean it has to be a dull question-and-answer session! A great sign of chemistry is whether you can have fun together, so aim for the fun first and see where you wind up.

This might mean coming up with a more unconventional first date, like an air hockey arcade, but don’t feel pressured to come up with something wild - the main goal is to get to know one another, which is why coffee or food in a place where you can talk is such a popular option. No, the fun actually lies in the getting-to-know-you phase - can you joke together? Do you have anything to talk about? Do you have similar ideas when it comes to a good time?

Remember, chemistry contains mutual physical attraction, but more importantly, it also means you like one another. So as you set out on that first date, focus first on that. You’re heading out for a few hours spent with someone who could be great company! Put the formal assessment on the back burner, and look for the fun.

You've been out a couple of times with a man you met online, and you're just not feeling it. He sends you a text to see if you want to get together that night and you'd rather stay home and watch your DVR. So what do you normally do? Do you let him down easy, telling him that you're really busy with work and can't pursue a relationship now? Or maybe you take a more direct approach, telling him you're just not interested in him.

Apparently, how you break things off with a potential love interest depends on your gender.

According to a recent study reported on DatingAdvice.com, women tend to let their male suitors down more easily. Women are much more sensitive about hurting a man's feelings than men, the study reports.

Participants were presented with an emailed date request, and were told to respond authentically and honestly. Rejection strategies varied from person to person, but researchers found that most responses fell into one of seven categories: direct, explanation, apology, appreciation, concern, encouragement, and pursuing a different relationship (i.e. being friends).

Most men were likely to respond to an unwanted date with direct rejection, while the women tended to prefer responding with encouragement or appreciation.

When I was dating, I often fell into this trap too. I wanted to let my dates down easy, even if I wasn't interested. Sometimes this meant I dated them longer than I intended, and sometimes it meant I made up excuses of being busy to avoid seeing them. This was not a good approach, and one date called me on my bad behavior and told me that I needed to be honest. He told me that while most women tried to be nice, men appreciated the women who were direct and didn't waste their time if they weren't interested. "Forget about saving feelings," he said to me. "I'd rather not waste my time if this isn't going anywhere. I'm a grown man. I can handle it." That was a true wake-up call for me.

So what's the best approach? In my opinion, it's better to be direct (without being rude or arrogant of course). As my former date mentioned, who wants to be strung along?

My suggestion is to let the guy know that you just don't feel a connection, sooner rather than later. There's no need to drag things out if you're not having a good time. Remember: you're not responsible for how he reacts to the news, so there's no need to feel guilty and make excuses. Instead, be honest, and don't get upset if the next guy you date is equally honest with you. A relationship is right when it's right. You can't force attraction.

More and more, you’ll probably encounter people with opinions on online dating. And more and more, they’ll probably be contradictory.

“I didn’t meet anyone remotely interesting!” “All my friends have met their significant others that way in the last five years.” “You have to really put yourself out there, and try dates with people you wouldn’t expect.” “You have to be picky, right from the beginning.” How is it possible that the experiences could be so varied? Are half the people wrong?

No, they’re probably giving an accurate summary of what they feel their experience was. But there’s the first important component: it’s not your dating experience, it’s theirs.

And the second component: at this point, online dating is not some tiny, specific niche. It’s not “computer dating” - it’s just dating. It’s a different way of finding each other, yes, but it’s now just another option, like a blind date or a chance meeting are. So you have tons of people utilizing online dating sites, and you have dating sites that fit just about any niche-within-a-niche you can think of. The possibilities are too large, too varied, to be summed up in one experience.

Still, thanks in part to the stigma that dogged online dating for years, people tend to focus on that beginning, and the rest of the relationship, with its many twists and turns, becomes wrapped up in the “online dating” heading. When you think about it, it’s kind of like calling all relationships with first dates in coffee shops “coffee dating.” Or all relationships that stem from a chance meeting “serendipitous dating.”

It might be a little silly, but on the other hand, it truly demonstrates that your dating experience is highly personal. Thus, we can take some stories with a grain of salt, and take notes on tales we want to emulate. We can switch sites if they don’t feel like the right fit, and we can compare notes with friends because chances are, they can relate in some way.

We don’t have to feel like we’re in some isolated niche, because the frustrations and triumphs we experience aren’t really that specific. It’s online dating - but it’s also just dating. And now it’s more popular than ever.

Some online dating sites have a feature that can be downright unnerving: the ability to see who’s been viewing your profile. Seeing that someone has viewed your profile (but not, apparently, attempted to contact you in any way) can send a carousel of what-ifs coursing through your mind: “Why didn’t they decide to email me? What turned them off? Was it something specific on my profile?” It’s tempting to look over their profile in turn, analyzing where the incompatibility might lie - and if their profile is appealing, even more angst about what might have been can surface. Now imagine they’re coming back to view your profile more than once: an entirely new set of questions to ponder.

In truth, there’s likely way too much overanalyzing going on in this hypothetical situation. There are actually many reasons why someone might view your profile and not contact you right away, or view it more than once. For example: perhaps they viewed your profile the first time at work, or at a time that wasn’t conducive to sitting down and composing something thoughtful. They intend to write you later, but perhaps they get busy, or can’t find you again, or can’t remember your screen name. It’s unfortunate, but it’s certainly not due to any fault of yours.

Perhaps you piqued someone’s interest, but they were already focused on someone else. Later, they remember you, or come across your profile again. Just because someone decides not to contact you at this moment does not mean they are completely uninterested. And, while less common, there is even a possibility that they chose not to contact you because they felt you wouldn’t be interested in them.

However, analyzing these potential excuses is ultimately as effective as tying yourself in knots over negative what-ifs - meaning not effective at all. So what do we do? If you see someone’s been perusing your profile and you’re interested in what you see, don’t be afraid to do the contacting. Even if a quick email exchange or date ultimately reveals that you’re not compatible, it’s likely less stressful than tormenting yourself with imaginary scenarios. After all, isn’t it better to walk away satisfied in the knowledge that you’re not a good fit?

And, of course, there’s one other possibility: that your contacting could be the first step in a new relationship. Perhaps that nerve-wracking feature of that online dating site isn’t such a bad idea after all.

When you encounter a profile that piques your interest, it can feel like something akin to infatuation. You’re not really infatuated with the person - after all, you haven’t even met - but rather with the possibilities and “what ifs.” As such, it can be tempting to put everything on hold until you get a response. Why bother with contacting someone else when you’re not as excited about their profile? you might reason. You might not even want to leave your computer so you get the response as soon as possible.

As you might have guessed, this is all probably a bad idea, for several reasons.

First of all, while you might be sitting by the computer, you have no indication that the object of your interest is anywhere near one. Maybe they’re on vacation for two weeks. Maybe they only check their online dating email once a month. Maybe they’ve forgotten the password altogether. Maybe they’ve already found someone else.

Even if you can see that they’ve logged in since you sent your first-contact message, that doesn’t mean you’ll get a response immediately. Maybe, again, they’re seeing someone else and they feel strange chatting with someone new until they’ve sussed out the current potential. Perhaps they’re just not sure how they feel. Maybe they checked their messages on the fly and they’re waiting to respond until they’re alone later - or maybe they never will respond. Whatever the reason, you’ll only be putting yourself through agony by hovering.

Of course, there’s actually no reason you should put yourself through agony - because you’ve never met! While their profile may be interesting, that “spark” might not be there in person. Conversely, someone who’s not as fascinating in their profile might be incredible in person. Remember, you’re not looking to fall in love with a profile - you’re searching for love with a person. The profile tries to present a reasonable facsimile, but only an in-person meeting will reveal the real story.

So don’t “tie yourself down” to one possibility. Statistically, many of your emails will never get responses. Instead, don’t be afraid to contact those who interest you as you encounter them - and try not to become emotionally attached to any until you’ve met in person. Is it easy? Not always. But ultimately, what would you rather spend your energy on: a fantasy, or a real, blossoming romance? Why not save the fuel for the real thing?