Are they or aren’t they?

Or, more importantly, are we or aren’t we?

Relationships have always been a guaranteed source of stress, angst, and all manner of other unsettled feelings, but dating these days is more unstructured than it's ever been and the anguish is even worse in our age of ambiguity.

Whereas once upon a time dating followed a relatively set path, now we're all pretty much running around blindfolded and hoping for the best. From friends with benefits, to long term live-in partners that are anxious about making the leap to marriage, our commitments are fuzzier than they have ever been before. This is especially true for younger generations, who often fear using the terms "relationship" or "dating." “We’re hanging out” is as committed as it gets.

But why this sudden urge to remain ambiguous?

One theory is that those in their 20s and 30s are the first generation to grow up witnessing mass divorce. Having watched their parents split, they may carry a legacy of insecurity with them and avoid intimacy in order to cope with it. They may also simply feel that relationships are too risky a proposition.

On the other hand, the rising incidence of narcissism that researchers are seeing amongst the younger generations may also be to blame. If we are increasingly focused on ourselves, we may also be increasingly likely to reject the responsibility of caring for someone else.

There's also the fear of rejection, which has plagued every generation since the dawn of dating. Throw in online and mobile dating, which allow people to test the waters from behind the safety of a screen, and it's no wonder we feel safer with vague intentions and minimal commitments. The ease of shopping for potential partners via digital means, plus the greater social acceptance of diverse romantic arrangements and the disappearance of clear labels, have all added to the dating confusion.

Initially, ambiguity in such a bad thing, but as a relationship continues, it becomes difficult to navigate. Constant ambiguity comes with certain risks. One person may feel more committed than the other, but may be afraid to bring it up for fear of pushing their partner away. The result is a whole lot of insecurity and time wasted with someone who ultimately isn't seeking the same thing.

That ambiguity is also extending into our breakups. More and more people are having sex with their exes, and far too often one hopes the inconclusivness means the relationship is rekindling while the other just wants a temporary hookup in the interim until they find someone else.

The question now is: will we develop new rules to govern our age of ambiguity? What will they be?

What is the magic ingredient that most people are looking for when it comes to committing to someone for a long-term relationship? Is it good looks, chemistry, a sense of humor? Or is there something more lasting or less tangible you look for as you date each new person?

According to a recent study by website DatingAdvice.com, about half of all American singles (both men and women) are looking for the same thing – having things in common with each other – like shared values, background, or interest in the same activities.

Other qualities that were important to those surveyed were money, good looks, and a sense of humor.

When the study was broken down, they discovered that while people were pretty evenly matched by gender, gay men and women were 12% more likely than straight people to want partners with common interests and values. There was a big divide by age, too: Americans aged 65 and older were 54% more likely than their 25 to 34 year-old counterparts to prioritize commonalities in their relationships.

DatingAdvice.com dating expert Rachel Dack said she’s not surprised that commonalities ranked highest among all other traits in the study, as Americans emphasize them as a culture.

“Similar values, lifestyle preferences and interests are important aspects in healthy relationships,” she said. “It also makes sense that older Americans were more likely to rate this quality much higher compared to younger Americans due to the stages of human development, aging process and the tendency for our elderly population to value companionship over other relationship qualities.”

Divorced men and women were also more likely than their married counterparts – and singles who have never been married – to want partners with common interests over other qualities. Respectively, 54% of divorced people were most interested in a partner with commonalities compared to only 47% of never-been-married folks.

There seems to be a difference regionally as well. Fifty-four percent of those in the South were more likely to look for partners with common interests above other qualities, compared to the Midwest at 44%.

The study broke down information by income as well, with 54% of those earning $125,000 or more preferring to meet partners who have things in common with them, compared to only 46% of those earning $25,000 to $49,000.

The study contained data from Americans surveyed over a three-week period, balancing participants according to race, gender, sexual orientation, etc. to accurately represent the American population.

Some of us are perfectly happy to be settled into singlehood. Others absolutely hate it.

The thing is, singlehood can be a conscious choice or an unintentional affliction. If it's the former, rock on and keep doing what you're doing. If it's the latter, sit down because we've got some talking to do. I'm all for people staying single, but I don't want anyone to be forced into singlehood if it's not where they want to be. And here's the hard truth: if you're single and you don't want to be, there's a good chance you're the reason.

Of course you can't control the people around you, and they certainly have a say in whether or not they want to date you, but there are specific, unproductive mindsets and actions you may be responsible for that are keeping you single longer than you want to be.

Are you doing any of these things?

• Not making an effort. Newsflash: if all you do is watch your Netflix queue, you’re never going to meet someone. Join an online dating site. Spend weekends in museums, parks, classes – anywhere you're surrounded by strangers. And don't be afraid to make the first move. If you're not trying in the first place, you can't expect results.
• Dating the same type over and over again. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That goes for dating, too. If you've got a "type" and it hasn't worked for you yet, it's probably not going to work for you in the future either. It's time to branch out. And the added bonus is that once you've stopped limiting which types of people you will and won't date, the possibilities open up and you have more potential partners than you ever thought possible.
• Choosing partners based solely on a list of qualities. It's a good idea to know what you want and don't want in a relationship, but it can be limiting if you're too attached to your imaginary list. Someone could have every quality on your list and still be wrong for you. On the other hand, someone could be missing most of them and yet mysteriously make you happier than you've ever been. A person is a whole package, not an inventory of dealbreakers. Save the list for Santa.
• Not making space. This is one of the hardest lessons for people to learn. If you want love in your life, you have to make room for it. You can't be focused on your friends, your career, your hobbies, your family, or whatever else is taking up your time, 24/7 if you want to meet someone. Recognize that you're ready to let love in, and leave some space in your life to allow it to happen.

A few years ago, I was at an amusement park with friends when one of them shyly handed me his camera.

“Do you think you could take a few pictures of me today?” Kent asked. “I’m making a profile for an online dating site and I don’t really have any pictures of me. Especially ones that aren’t posed in some way.”

Happy to oblige, I did my best to grab good candid shots of Kent. Everything was quiet for some months, until I ran into him one morning, positively giddy.

“I just had the best first date!” he said excitedly.

“It’s ten in the morning! That must have been some first date!” I said, raising my eyebrows.

“No, no, the date didn’t start last night,” he said, blushing. “It was a breakfast date! She works nights, so this was the fastest way to actually meet in person.”

“Ooh,” I said, intrigued. “So you met her through your dating site?”

“Yep,” he said. “She moved here two years ago and only lives ten minutes away, but thanks to our jobs our chances of running into each other are practically zilch. And since we’re on opposite sleep schedules, it’s been pretty nerve-wracking writing her and then waiting a minimum of eight hours for a response. But still, that’s better than never having met her at all.”

“Well, it’s great that she seems so wonderful, but will you ever get to spend time together with such opposite schedules?”

“She’s going to get moved to a different position at the end of the year,” Kent said. “It won’t be forever. And - this may sound cheesy, but - even if it’s more work finding time to meet, she really seems worth it.”

Last month, Kent and his wonderful first date were married. Her inconvenient schedule was indeed not for forever - but hopefully her romance with Kent will be.

Related Article: Stories in Success, Part I

A few of my closest friends turned 30 this month, and it's got me thinking. There's no denying that dating in your 20s is fun. A lot of fun, if you do it right. But seems to me there's something special about dating in your 30s.

Sure, there are some downsides that come along with it. If you're unattached by the time you reach the big 3-0, you're bound to get comments about how you shouldn't settle but shouldn't get left on the shelf either (how confusing is that?). People ask about your biological clock or if you're afraid of commitment. They tell you that you can't "have it all" or that all the good ones will be taken if you wait. Some might even straight-up say there's something wrong with you.

But on the other hand, there's a lot to love about dating in your 30s, like:

• You know who you are. The 20s are all about finding yourself. You're meant to travel the world, go on crazy adventures, work odd jobs, occasionally squander your cash on silly purchases, etc. some of it will be great, and some of it will be awful. All of it adds up to some seriously important life lessons that you carry with you into the 30s dating game. By then, you're ready to think more seriously about the kind of relationship you actually want and the kind of partner who can give it to you.
• You know what love is. Well, maybe we never really know what love is, but entering our 30s means knowing a whole lot more about it. There's often a very big difference between what you're drawn to, what you want, and what you need. As you get older, you're able to tell the difference and define the kind of love that works for you. And because of that…
• Dating gets serious. In your 30s, relationships tend to move faster. You've been through your fair share of bad dates, inadequate relationships and casual hookups, and you know what you want. If something isn't working out the way you want it to, you have the confidence to end it quickly. And if things are headed in a good direction, you feel equally comfortable pursuing it.
• On the other hand, not everyone wants to get serious. Some people are looking to settle down in their 30s, but others are happy staying single. Both are perfectly viable options that can lead to happy lifetimes. The important question to ask is “Where do I want to be in 5 years? Or 10?” Like it or not, what you do today will have an impact on your relationships in the future. If you do want to be with someone, make sure to create space in your life for it right now.

And most importantly…

• There’s still a lot to learn. Wouldn't life be boring if you'd already learned everything? Luckily, that's never going to happen, least of all in your 30s. Enjoy the weird and wonderful lessons that life will continue to throw your way.

The perks of online dating are many, but spend enough time clicking through profiles and you’ll probably find yourself at least a little bit nostalgic for the old days. You can't beat the convenience of an online dating website, but there was something nice about being set up by your friends. It added an extra level of security. You felt comfortable in the knowledge that whoever you were meeting had already been vetted by someone you trust, and therefore probably wasn't a total jerk.

For a long time, that's been one of the biggest barriers online dating has faced. No matter what dating sites do to screen users, it never compares to the recommendation of a close friend.

Until now, that is. Enter MyCuteFriend, a new dating app that asks women to nominate their single guy friends as potential dates for other women. “Where every guy comes recommended” reads the app’s slogan, and that’s precisely what it offers: every guy who appears on MyCuteFriend has been vouched for by an actual, IRL human being.

Created by John Furneaux and Steve Chen, the app was designed specifically to make the online dating experience more pleasant for women – so you will see women nominating men, but never the other way around. After hearing constant complaints about online dating from their female friends, Furneaux and Chen realized that women needed a way to keep the creepy out. They enlisted a mostly female design team to create the functionality and user interface, and MyCuteFriend was born.

To use the app, women select a number of hashtags (which cover everything from body to brain) to describe their eligible friends. Photos are then pulled from the men’s Facebook profiles. Once a guy has been nominated, he receives a notification and must accept it and download the app before his profile becomes active. Women can nominate any man they are friends with on Facebook.

On the other side of things, women can browse the hashtags and photos, responding with a simple “Yes” or “No, thanks.” There are no long, boring questionnaires and no anonymous creepy stalkers. Women can only receive messages from guys they have said “Yes” to.

For even more customization, short video clips can be recorded and included in the profiles. Basically it's like the love child between Tinder and Vine, with a little bit of Facebook thrown in. So far the app has only launched in San Francisco, but will no doubt expand to other cities if it proves to be successful.