Advice

In my last article, I wrote about dealbreakers and how they're fine and good when the dating pool is large, but limiting once the pool starts to dry up. At some point, you're going to get too old to be that picky... well, at least if you want to find someone quickly! ;-)

Let's look at some of the dealbreakers from the list I made in the last post:

• taller/shorter
• older/younger
• divorced
• separated
• had kids
• wanted kids / didn't want kids
• smoked
• drank more than once a month
• overweight
• didn't have a good relationship with their family
• didn't go to college
• didn't finish college
• was way more/less formally educated
• Republican / Democrat / Libertarian
• didn't share religious faith
• had no religious faith
• was too religious
• had poor grammar or spelling skills
• was bad on the phone
• was awkward on a first date

If you have your own list of dealbreakers, write them down. All of them. Anywhere you set a hard limit is considered a dealbreaker and should go on your list.

Now, let's arrange your dealbreakers. First, list the ones you absolutely WILL NOT TOLERATE under any circumstances. Here are mine:

• Wants kids (I don't and have known for years.)
• Smoker (I'm allergic.)
• Diametrically opposite political views
• Diametrically opposite religious views

Now... list the ones that you COULD MAYBE TOLERATE if the rest of the person was amazing. Here are mine:

• Drinks more than I do (socially and occasionally at dinner)
• Less formal education
• Obese (I am overweight, but actively working out and eating well to lose weight)
• Divorced
• Slightly shorter than me

Now... list the ones you'd RATHER NOT TOLERATE if you didn't have to. Here are mine:

• Kids from a previous relationship
• Much shorter than me
• Separated (prefer the divorce to be finalized)

Armed with this list, you can now go into your custom searches you've made for your dating site of choice and start to slowly stretch out your search and see what comes up. Start with your list of "could maybe tolerate."

So for example, if I had set my desired mate's height at 5'7" or taller, I could stretch it down to 5'5" or taller. I could check off "Some college" in the education section instead of leaving it to just people who had graduated. I could tick "Divorced" in addition to "Single."

If you're feeling really rambunctious, you can set up a separate search just for the people who are in that stretch zone. So for example, I could have a search that's my regular search, but in height, it ONLY shows men who are 5'5" and 5'6". This is a big time saver!

Check out these "new" singles - you never know if the perfect one for you is just a little shorter than your average Stormtrooper. Happy dating!

Jennifer Viegas of Discovery News took a look at online dating recently and concluded that despite its flaws, dating sites are a useful tool. In the 15 years that online dating sites have been around (at least that was when Match.com started back in 1995) the success of online dating still remains somewhat questionable according to her. Singles have to become educated on how to use dating sites, what to look for, how to spot scammers and what websites to use, only then does it then become a useful tool.

The first thing online daters have to realize is, most singles tell a few white lies on their dating profiles. For the most part, there is no malice in this, when people mislead about something on their profile, it is usually because they feel a little inadequate. For example, it was found in a recent study about dating profiles at Michigan State University that 52.6 percent of men lied about their height, while 39 percent of women did. Women tended to fib more about their weight, 64.1 percent in fact. Age is also another attribute people lied about (24.3 percent of men and 13.1 percent of women).

Dating sites also tend to attract people who are married. While not as bad as before, since there are dating sites like AshleyMadison.com who deal with this dating niche, it can still be a problem, especially on the free dating sites. In one study, 83 percent of the participants felt that using online dating sites for a fling was not cheating on their partner as they had no plans to continue the relationship.

As far as scammers are concerned, members of dating sites need to watch out for those profiles of people with model like photos. This combined with poor spelling and grammar usually is an indication of someone who is not, who they say they are. Another huge give away of a scammer is, if they ask for money. They will use any sob story they can think of. If you haven't met the person in real life and met a few of their friends or family, I would instantly break off conversation with someone who asked for money. If you are unsure of a scammer another easy way to spot them is to ask them more about the city they live in. Usually scammers don't live in the city they say they are from and it is pretty easy to trip them up by asking them to list a few of their favorite spots to eat or something similar.

For more on the story, read Discovery News.

BlackPeopleMeet.com is one of the most popular dating sites for African-Americans and they have recently launched a free online magazine for their members. The magazine contains insight, advice and perspectives for Black Singles who need help with love, relationships and dating. Frequent updates are promised for the online magazine and when you visit the site you can expect to find the following content:

• Feature articles focused on dating, love and relationships, and intimacy.
• Expert advice from recognized dating authorities and leading bloggers, such as Twanna Hines, author of the blog “FunkyBrownChick.com.” Readers will be invited to submit questions, with answers provided in the magazine by guest experts.
• Interviews with high profile experts, authors and personalities, ranging from dating coaches to career advisors. In the first issue, featured interviews include ones with Yolanda Shoshana, who leads seduction workshops in New York, as well as Sandra Sea, a career coach who shares tips on making new year resolutions focused on one’s profession.
• Interactive polls, inviting readers to share their opinion on a wide ranging and always changing roster of questions of interest to African-American singles.
• Success stories of real couples who have met through BlackPeopleMeet.com, offering inspiration and heartwarming anecdotes about their triumph in finding a meaningful relationship through the dating site.

For more on the story, read Earth Times. To find out about the dating site, read our review of BlackPeopleMeet.com.

We've all had it happen to us:

You're out in public somewhere and you see an attractive person – someone who seems compelling, someone that catches your eye. In a split second, a part of your brain says, Ah, yes. This one has potential.

Before you even have time to think much about it, you point out the attractive person to your companion, be it sister, friend, roommate – and they wrinkle their nose and say, “Really?”

And just as quickly, you feel self-conscious, or you feel a tiny bit embarrassed by your apparently questionable taste. You shrug, and move on. An opportunity wasted.

It’s pretty cool that no matter where you’re at, you can access your online dating profiles with your phone. Waiting in line at the DMV or the doctor’s office suddenly became a lot more appealing, right? We’ve got a lot to thank the online dating site for when it came to developing these mobile applications.

But you need to know how to use them safely.

Personally, I’m not a fan of the “connect with people around you” capabilities. As a woman, I’m fiercely protective of my location at all times. The same should go for men as well. Whenever I boot up Match.com’s iPhone app and it asks me “to use my current location,” I always select “don’t allow.” My feelings are if someone is interested in contacting or connecting with me, they can use Match.com’s anonymous messaging system. No one I’ve never met ever needs to know where I am or even have the opportunity to connect with me without my explicit permission.

Once you've gotten everything set up, it's time to get in the groove!

Sign in daily, or at least 3x a week. Most dating sites list the last login date of each profile, so you want yours to appear current. Even if you only login for the sake of pinging your account, do it. People are much more likely to email someone when their profile says, “Active within 24 hours” or “Online now!”

Some sites, like the new RewardingLove.com, are even prioritizing matches and only matching those members with active profiles.

Reply promptly, but don’t stalk your email. Even if it’s to say “No thanks,” be polite and reply promptly to all emails. Avoid looking like you stalk your dating inbox – give it a half day or so before you write back so you don’t appear desperate.

I know that it may seem like inviting trouble to send a “no thanks” email, and I’ll admit, some people can’t take “no thanks” for an answer. But more often than not, people will either say nothing or reply back to say thank you for letting them know you’re not interested. Got one of those people who won’t go away? Use your dating site’s blocking feature – you don’t owe them anything more than a “no thanks.”

Always think of how you would feel if you were in the other person’s shoes. If you emailed someone who you thought was perfect for you and they never ever wrote you back, even though they’ve obviously logged into the site several times and read your email, you’d get pretty upset. While it may sting a bit to hear “no thanks,” it at least gives closure for that match. No more wondering – now everyone knows where they stand.

Don’t overdo it. Stick to a schedule. Like I mentioned earlier, emailing more than 10 people a week will start to take its toll on the quality of the emails you send. You’ll also get really frustrated when it looks like you’ve sent 50 emails in three days and gotten no responses. (When the real problem is not the quantity, but the quality of those emails.)

Favorite people, then email. If you’ve already sent out your 10 emails this week, resist the urge to crank out more! Take a break from emailing, continue to add people to your favorites list, and wait for any replies to come in from your original emails before sending more. (Sometimes, people you add to the list will email YOU before you have the chance to email them!)

Be selective. OkCupid has started to show how frequently each member replies to emails. If you have the choice of emailing a green (replies frequently) or a red (replies very selectively), pick the best bet! (Or email the red knowing your chances of a reply are slim!) I wish more dating sites would implement this feature because it would encourage everyone to reply to more first contact emails.

Don’t get discouraged. Especially with paid sites, your 10 emails may only be read by 6 paying members. Out of those 6, two may be already seeing someone semi-seriously and 3 may not be interested in you. Getting one reply isn’t such bad odds! Keep your chin up. Remember, if you have your best profile, your best pictures, and write your best emails and they still don’t reply, then they’re not worth YOUR time, not the other way around.

Freshen up your profile. Update your profile at least once per season to reflect what’s going on in your life. It could be as easy as a new headline, or popping in a sentence about the new movie you just saw or the live concert you’re looking forward to next month. Swap out your main profile picture (another reason why it’s good to have two close-up shots of your face). You may get a second glance from someone who wrote you off originally!

Last but not least, don’t let online dating rule your life. Get away from your computer and do things. Join a meetup group, go game with buddies, take a walk with your dog. Finding love isn’t a race to the finish. If you treat it that way, you’ll be likely to settle for the first person to want to date you. Then you’ll find yourself stuck in an unsatisfying relationship, go through yet another breakup, and be stuck back at square one. Take your time to do online dating right and you’ll be sure to connect with the right person.

Related Stories:
The Roadmap to Online Dating Success, Part 1: Choosing Your Site
The Roadmap to Online Dating Success, Part 2: The Perfect Profile
The Roadmap to Online Dating Success, Part 3: Before You Send Any Emails
The Roadmap to Online Dating Success, Part 4: Emails and Winks