Advice

You've met a great woman through an online dating site, and you've been seeing her for a few weeks. You haven't discussed your relationship or anyone else you're dating, but you always have a good time together and have become closer. You want to stop dating other people and have already taken down your online profile. But you've noticed hers is still active.

Do you ask her to take it down, or do you keep silent and hope that she'll do it herself if she's interested in you?

This can be a tough question, as most people signed up for online dating sites go out with several people and keep their profiles active. It really depends on where you're at in the relationship.

And admittedly, talking about your relationship status when you've only been dating a little while is a hard thing to do. There's a good chance you're not on the same page, so why ruin a good thing?

The problem is, if you are interested in someone, talking about it is the best (and only) way to move forward.

Let's say you've discussed trying exclusivity with each other. In this case, it's fair game to ask each other to take down your online dating profiles. You've agreed to be exclusive.

But if you haven't had a discussion about exclusivity, then both of you are entitled to keep actively dating on the site until you are both ready to move forward. In fact, it's good to keep your options open instead of counting on something that may fizzle out in a few weeks' time. Until you're ready to have that discussion, you should keep your profile active on the site and not take it down prematurely.

If you've been seeing each other a few weeks and you want to move forward but she doesn't, what do you do? It's important to note here that she might not be ready for a relationship. Or, she might want to keep her options open because she isn't sure about you. Either way, you don't want to take your profile down and see her exclusively when she isn't doing the same. It will cause heartbreak in the future, because you both have different expectations.

Let's say she's more interested in being exclusive than you are. She took down her profile after your third date, hoping you'd want to move forward, too. But if you still want to meet new people, her actions shouldn't deter you. When you're dating non-exclusively, you're not beholden to anyone. You should be dating multiple people at a time, just to see what it is you do and don't want - until you're ready to move forward with one person.

Bottom line: Communication is important as you get further along in the dating process. Keep dating others until you have agreed to exclusivity.

You either have this friend or you are this friend: every time the subject of dating comes up, That Friend launches into a rant about how much they hate dating. That Friend is tired of playing games. That Friend is bored of hearing the same old, played out lines. That Friend thinks dating is a waste of time. That Friend is convinced there's no one out there for them.

Yesterday, I had dinner with That Friend. As is often the case, That Friend is recently divorced and dreading the thought of having to dip her toe back in the dating pool. After years spent together with the same person, the prospect of dating again has practically sent her into a nervous breakdown.

I may still be in the stage when I think dating is awesome, but I get it. Dating after divorce isn't easy. In fact, it can be downright hard. The trick is to take those first steps with confidence and curiosity. Think of it as an adventure - there may be challenges along the way, but they won't be anything you can't overcome.

If you're newly single, here are a few things to keep in mind as you reenter the dating world:

1. Don't do it before you're ready. Moving on is a good thing, but moving on before you're ready will set you back even farther. You might be tempted to start seeing someone new right away to take your mind off your ex, but don't do it. Forcing a relationship before you're ready isn't healthy for you or fair to the person you're dating. Wait until you're in a positive, stable mindset to start exploring the singles' scene.
2. Comparisons are a waste of time. Don't compare your old life to your new one. Don't compare your old partner to potential new ones. Don't compare yourself to those around you. You are where you are - it is not better or worse, right or wrong. Constantly analyzing everything will leave you feeling worse than you did before. Don't overthink it. Be yourself. Allow new relationships to unfold naturally, at their own pace.
3. Keep an open mind. Who knows what (or who) this wonderful world has in store for you, now that you're single again? Something extraordinary could be just around the corner, but you'll never find it if you aren't willing to look. After a divorce, you think you know exactly what you like and dislike in a mate, but that doesn't mean you should be closed off to other experiences. Life is full of surprises, and by limiting yourself you might miss out on something wonderful. Stay flexible.

Dating after divorce will have its stressful moments, but the fun should overshadow the disasters. Savor every moment.

When it comes to online dating profiles, one of the simplest tasks should be the section where you list your interests and favorites, right? After all, you know what your favorite movies and books are. You know what you like to do on the weekend. Simple though it may seem, it’s a task that can be deceptively difficult for some.

“I don’t have any interests,” Jessie, a friend, told me flatly. “I mean, I have interests, of course, but not anything that looks good on my profile or that I actually want to talk about with people.”

I started to laugh. “What do you mean?”

“Well, in my last relationship we were really involved in a bowling league,” said Jessie. “But that was really his interest that I absorbed later. And once we broke up, it was pretty awkward with our bowling friends, so since it was his ‘thing’ first I quit. So I can list bowling, but if I’m pressed for any details it will get depressing fast.”

“I can understand that,” I conceded.

“But it gets worse!” she said. “I’ve realized that almost everything will inevitably bring up something about my ex. And the stuff we didn’t do together is the incredibly girly stuff that no man would be interested in. So I can list my favorite movies, but right now they’re all ones that would probably send most men screaming.”

Jessie’s dilemma is not an uncommon one. When we’ve been in a relationship for a long time, it can feel like almost everything has baggage attached. And often our solo pursuits are solo because we don’t think anyone else is (or should be!) interested. Sure, you might enjoy crosswords, but it’s not an activity that really opens up conversation or bonding.

Sometimes people feel they need to lie about their interests to appeal to others. They might even “overdo” it by attempting to target their interests to the sort of person they’re interested in (like a man who lists only chick flicks). As always, lying will only cause more problems. So what to do?

Go for three elements: honest, simple, and varied. If you think you’re balanced too heavily toward mindless violence films, for example, list only a few, and make sure to list the favorites from other genres as well. Jessie can list a favorite chick flick or two; it’s who she is, after all, and it helps paint a more accurate picture. However, maybe she might want to list a few of her other standby favorites as well, even if they aren’t the top of her list right now. Her bowling story may be a bit awkward, but not everything is so involved, and those bad memories won’t last forever. Since such lists ought to be short and sweet, she doesn’t have to offer any justification for her choices.

It might seem like too much thought over a simple list, but the general concept can apply throughout the entire profile. We don’t want to dredge up our past relationships, but we can’t pretend we were grown in a vacuum, either. Keeping our profiles (and conversations )honest yet diverse means that we don’t have to dwell too much on any sore spots - and if we’re questioned about something that’s still raw, there’s nothing wrong with admitting it and moving on to something else. We don’t have to erase our pasts - but there’s nothing wrong with wanting a fresh start, just the same.

Most people want to start off a relationship on the right foot, and understand that being open and honest from the very beginning is a great way to ensure that. However, what does being open and honest actually “mean”? When does honesty become sharing too much, too soon? It’s hard enough to toe that line in person; on the Internet, where you feel anonymous and comfortable, it can be even easier to over-share.

Though there are differences between finding someone online and in person, sometimes it helps if we imagine an in-person meeting to compare it with. For example: if you were just “checking out” someone, or maybe walking up and saying “Hi,” would you lead off with your first and last name, your address, and your place of business? Probably not, but many people give some or all of that information freely in their profile, or in the first few emails. In person we like to gauge the “vibe” of the person we’re talking to before we share private information; online, it’s best to do the same.

Now let’s assume the emails have gone well and we’ve moved on to the coffee date. Obviously, we want to make a great first impression, so we probably take extra care with the outfit we choose and make sure there isn’t anything in our teeth. However, we probably don’t put on a wig or a mask if that’s not our everyday attire. So should it be with our personality. Yes, we want to present the best version of ourselves - and that means ourselves, not someone else. Thus, don’t be afraid to say something like, “I’ve never seen that movie,” even though you know it’s a classic that almost everyone else has. It’s when we lie to impress that we get ourselves in trouble.

And what about over-sharing on the first date? Avoiding that is fairly easy - just ask yourself if you’d share that with a co-worker or your grandmother. Jokes that tread into offensiveness, details about personal grooming, and long-winded rants about people who have wronged you can probably wait. Chances are, such little “checks” won’t stifle your personality too much. Plus, once you get more comfortable and get to know each other, you’ll have a better sense of what’s appropriate. Erring on the side of politeness never hurt anyone.

Gauging how much to reveal when you first meet someone can seem daunting. However, when examined closely, the tips - don’t give out personal information before you’re comfortable, don’t lie, and be polite - are really quite simple. And once you’re not concerned with sharing too much, you can relax and focus on what matters: getting to know your date.

Teenagers. No matter what decade it is, the younger crowd always seems to be hipper, more sophisticated, and more technologically savvy. Well, if becoming more adept at online dating is what you’re trying to accomplish, it might not hurt to take advice from teens you know. Granted, they’re probably not as wise when it comes to romance and matters of the heart, but they’ve likely been integrating social interaction and the internet for as long as they’ve had friends. Surely they’ve got tidbits to share.

And they do! For one thing, they’re no strangers to privacy - or lack thereof - on the internet. Googling is likely to bring up a wealth of information - associated screen names, additional accounts, and so on - and they’re regular sleuths when it comes to looking someone up. Conversely, they probably know more than you’d think about hiding their true identity - though it’s their parents, not their co-workers, who prompt such actions.

Teens have also learned that while it’s safer to be a skeptic on the internet - facts get misquoted, pictures get edited and airbrushed - there’s also a place for gut instinct. “Even if someone can’t spell at all, you can still get a feeling about their personality,” a young acquaintance told me. “There are some people online that you like right away, and some that you just don’t, just like in person.” They’ve learned that if something feels false or “off,” they should probably heed that alarm - something that we adults might talk ourselves out of because “we don’t have any proof.”

They’re better at taking pictures of themselves. Yes, teens are often the pioneers of cliched and overdone “selfie” poses, but they’re also pretty darn good at catching their good side. Since digital cameras have almost always existed for them, they’re not daunted by the prospect of taking several pictures just to get one good one. And they’ve got a better eye for “interesting” photos as well. Go through a social photo network and you’ll find lots of bad pictures of food, but you’ll likely find several good ideas too - not to mention a crash course in flattering filters.

Yes, teens can be silly and self-absorbed - but they’re also social creatures intent on making the best possible first impression. We don’t have to pretend like we’re fifteen again, but if you’re looking for inspiration to liven up your profile, it can’t hurt to observe the young masters of the internet.

Remember that Julia Roberts movie Runaway Bride? She kept getting cold feet with all of her soon-to-be-husbands, and ended up abandoning them on the wedding day. But she couldn't figure out why. She loved them and they loved her - so what was the problem? She discovered that she didn't really know herself - that she was allowing the men in her life to dictate who she was, even down to the kind of eggs she liked.

In the movie the character was a bit of a caricature, trying to please her boyfriends by being who they wanted her to be. But in real life, this isn't such a far-fetched idea. How many of us have sacrificed part of ourselves, our identities, for someone we love?

I have a friend who is very attractive, outgoing, and fun. She attracts good-looking, personable and successful guys. She should have no problem finding a relationship. But every time she meets a new man, she tells me how amazing their relationship is, and how nobody else "gets" her the way her man-of-the-moment does, and she desperately molds herself into what she thinks he wants.

Case in point: she is not exactly an outdoor person, but one of her boyfriends was really active - surfing, boating, biking, and running - you name the sport, he'd probably done it. He liked being active on weekends, when my friend preferred to sleep in and then meet friends for a leisurely drink. But then I saw her donning biker pants and new sneakers for their next date. When I raised my eyebrow in question, she dismissed me. "I like bike riding," she laughed. I wasn't so sure.

I recall my own experiences, trying to become some idealized version of myself that I thought a man would want. I strove to be witty and fun all the time, and hid all the things about myself that he might find unattractive - like my habit of reading books all weekend in solitude, how nervous I get in large groups of people, or the terrible seasickness I get just thinking about sailing or being on a boat. But this never helped me. In fact, it prevented me from finding a real relationship. I was too busy being someone else for anybody to see the real me.

My friend is still dating her sporty boyfriend, but she's scared at any moment he'll discover that she's a fraud and break up with her. She's also become afraid to commit, because she'd have to keep up the charade of who he thinks she is. It can get exhausting.

Take the time to figure out your own interests, and don't be ashamed to share them with someone you're dating. Your boyfriend isn't going to be turned off if you like different things, but he will if you aren't being honest. If you don't even know who you are or what you want, how can you expect to be happy in a relationship?