Advice

If I asked what you think the secret to a happy marriage is, what would you say?

Communication?

Date nights?

Spontaneity?

Thoughtfulness?

Respect?

Acceptance?

They're all good answers, but a new study suggests that the real answer might be something you weren't expecting: online dating.

Didn't see that one coming, did you? (Ok, sure, if you read the title you did...but humor me.)

The Internet has forever changed the way people communicate, work, play, create, and date. 1/3 of American couples now meet their partners online, through email, dating sites, and social networks.

In a survey study of more than 19,000 Americans who married between 2005 and 2012, 5% divorced, 2% separated, and 92% remained married. The couples observed were generally representative of the population, but a few demographics showed a particular inclination towards online dating:

• Men
• People in their 30s and 40s
• Hispanics
• People who are employed
• People with higher socioeconomic statuses

Even after accounting for the differences between subjects, the study drew two primary conclusions. The first will surprise no one: the popularity of online dating has increased across every segment of American society. The second comes as more of a shock: marriages that began online were found to be longer lasting and more satisfying for couples.

Lead author of the study John Cacioppo, a psychologist and director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago, explains the findings by saying dating sites may "attract people who are serious about getting married."

A sociologist, Michael Rosenfeld of Stanford University, backs up Cacioppo's findings. In his own research, he found that "couples who meet online are more likely to progress to marriage than couples who meet in other ways."

But the study is not without its critics. "It's a very impressive study," says social psychologist Eli Finkel of Northwestern University. "But it was paid for by somebody with a horse in the race and conducted by an organization that might have an incentive to tell this story."

That's right - the study was commissioned by eHarmony, which shelled out $130,000 to pay for the research. Cacioppo has also been a member of eHarmony's Scientific Advisory Board since it was created in 2007.

Is it intriguing research? Yes. But does that sound like a major conflict of interest? Absolutely.

Sure, online dating is a great way to meet a partner with high levels of compatibility and real marriage potential. But is online dating better than offline dating? Survey says: inconclusive.

We've all heard the term "gold digger," but how many of you have ever dated one? If you're nodding your head and smiling at my question, you're not alone, I promise.

I have a friend who complains constantly of dating women he refers to as "takers." According to him, they want (and ask for) everything - dinner at fancy restaurants, luxury vacations, someone who will pay down their credit card debt. You name it, he has been asked to provide. When I offered to set him up with a friend of mine, he shook his head, saying he just couldn't date another gold digger, even though he'd never met her. He just assumed she'd be the same.

Now, he is not extremely wealthy, but he has some financial success. Enough to take his dates out to nice restaurants, buy them gifts, and when things go well, take them on trips to Mexico or Hawaii. But here's the problem: they keep asking and he keeps giving. He feels like this is a romantic gesture, a form of wooing.

The truth is, he hasn't set any boundaries for himself and the women he dates. He keeps saying yes to their demands, thinking that all women are like this. He just assumes all of his dates want something from him. No wonder he's completely turned off.

This idea of "takers" doesn't only apply to women looking to be wined and dined. There are plenty of men who are "takers" as well - financial and emotional drains. Perhaps you've dated a man who was perpetually unemployed, who relied on you for housing, money, or other things to meet his needs? This is another form of taking.

When someone takes, there is an unequal balance in the relationship. Relationships aren't balanced 100% of the time - they go back and forth, with each person relying on the other at different times for support. When one side does all the giving and it goes on indefinitely, then the relationship not going to last. Neither side is going to feel happy and fulfilled. Both sides end up resentful.

Instead of blaming others, (because you can't control anybody else's behavior, only your own), try looking at what you can do. It's up to you to set your own boundaries and decide what you are and aren't willing to put up with, as well as what you expect from a relationship.

Instead of offering to pay for so much, try planning dates that aren't so expensive. Take a picnic to the park. Make a home-cooked meal. Do things that show gestures of love and effort rather than expense and see how she/ he responds. Then see if they return the favor and start taking you out, too.

There's no need to feel taken advantage of in dating. The key is, set your own boundaries and stick to them.

When considering online dating, it’s likely you’ll hear more than a few misconceptions and cynical statements. Here’s one that might pop up: “Online dating? Ugh, I’m not that desperate.”

It’s true that online dating sites aren’t necessarily the first place the kids go to find their first true love (though who knows if that will be the case in the future). However, for many the online dating scene is far from desperate. In fact, some might consider it the smarter way to date.

Imagine yourself as a teen, before your first relationship, when romance was a dim possibility in the future. If pressed, you might have had some vague notion of a “dream match” - probably attractive, funny, all the usual traits - but you didn’t really know what you wanted or needed. After all, you didn’t really know who you were, yet.

After you’d tested the waters - through dating or relationships, getting to know different types of people through school and work, heck, just existing yourself and growing into an adult - that vague picture has filled in a bit with details. Sure, you want to keep your options somewhat open because you never know who might shape your perception, but chances are by this point you’ve got a pretty good idea of at least who you don’t want.

Online dating sites are full of people like you. They might not have the wide-eyed optimism of first love, but they’re probably not as blindly driven by their hormones as they once were, either. If they’re looking for a long-term relationship, chances are they’ve got a slightly better idea of what makes one work. If they’re not the type for something long-term, they’ve figured that already.

Additionally, they’ve all filled out profiles, just like you. Though some obviously give this process more thought than others, the act of writing a profile is a little bit of soul-searching - you have to figure out who you are in order to learn how best to present yourself. By editing red flags in your writing, you’re revealing the ones in your thought processes. That extra bit of self-awareness can only be good.

So don’t think of online dating as a place of last resort. Instead, see it for what it is: a place for adults, for those who’ve colored in their dreams - and intend to find the realistic counterpart.

A friend confessed to me, “I like the idea of online dating, but I’m afraid to try it. You see so many stories about bad people taking advantage. I feel like using an online dating site is the equivalent of walking down a dark alley.”

In fact, online dating is not like walking down a dark alley at all; that would imply that my friend was the only innocent fish in a pool of sharks. However, the online dating world is probably similar to walking down a busy city street in the middle of the day: there are all kinds, including some less-than-upstanding citizens. And with a little research and precaution, you can learn to spot and avoid entanglements with them - if, in fact, you ever encounter them at all.

People tend to worry about two types of danger: the scammers and the physical danger. In both cases, chances are you already have experience dealing with both dangers, whether you realize it or not. First, the scammers - the fake profiles that are out to manipulate you, probably for your money. If you have an email account, chances are you’ve encountered a spam email or several - sob stories, questionable English, and a request for money or account information.

Even if an online dating scammer operates more smoothly than those cut and paste emails, there are still similar elements: stories that seem too good to be true, red flags in language, requests for personal information, convoluted stories about why you can’t meet yet. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t be afraid to trust your intuition - ask a third party for their opinion, or back out altogether.

The worry of physical danger is more scary for most, but there are definitely precautions you can take - meet in a public location, have a friend stationed nearby if you’re feeling particularly nervous, take your own transportation. However, again, you’ve been meeting strangers your entire life; you’ve already developed gut instincts that will sound the alarm if someone feels sketchy. It doesn’t matter whether you meet someone at work, via online dating, at a bar, or at a grocery store; you possess the same logic and instincts.

So once again, don’t be afraid to bail if you don’t feel right; far better to wait for someone with whom you feel comfortable. The truth is, online dating is no more or less safe than the rest of the world, provided you use common sense and listen to your gut. So why let fear stop you from exploring the possibilities?

Falling in love is fantastic - you feel so drawn to another person, it can be intoxicating. You want to spend all your time together, and during the time you're apart, you might be fantasizing about your budding relationship.

While love is an amazing feeling, it's also a good idea to avoid throwing yourself all in right at the start. First examine your history - do you tend to fall in love quickly and easily? Do you jump from relationship to relationship looking for that initial feeling of excitement? Do you crash and burn, and then look for the next high?

It's hard to admit our weaknesses sometimes, especially when it comes to love. We all have them, and we all fall into patterns because of them. Being more aware of your own tendencies can help you change these patterns and find happier, healthier relationships.

Let me give you an example. One of my clients is going through his second divorce, and he is devastated that his marriage didn't work out yet again. Within a month of his wife leaving, he joined an online dating site and started dating another woman. He quickly fell for her, even though she was also going through a divorce and didn't want anything serious. When he tried to move the relationship forward by spending more and more time together, she got scared and quickly broke things off. He was hurt again, but instead of spending a little time on his own, he went right back to online dating.

When I asked him about his need to be in a relationship, he said that he felt better, more connected and more at ease in a relationship rather than on his own. He liked falling in love, companionship. But who doesn't?

I advised him to take his time, to become a little more comfortable with who he is on his own, outside of a relationship. Because a relationship wouldn't - and shouldn't - define him. And if he wanted some female companionship, then it was fine to date people casually. But whatever the case, he should hold off on jumping into a relationship, no matter how compelled he felt. No matter how desperate he became, or how convinced he was that a new woman was right for him.

This was hard advice for him to try, and still is. He has since been convinced (in the span of two months) that he's fallen for three more women. But he's stopped himself from jumping right in to a relationship, and instead opted to taking his time. And the interesting thing is, he's finding out more about these women - and what doesn't work for him - than he would have if he'd been a little quicker to commit.

I'm not advocating that people should be players, but I think it's healthy to date more than one person and not feel rushed to take that next step. You'll know when it's right, because it won't resemble and relationship pattern you've felt before. It will be different. Because you will be more certain of who you are. And you will be fine on your own, too.

A few years ago, when I was completely over my love life (or lack thereof), I decided to do something different - something outside my comfort zone. I bought a ticket to New Zealand. One ticket, just for me.

Now, I've always loved traveling, but I'd never traveled alone - always with friends or a boyfriend, and never to a remote place halfway across the world. The thought of it terrified me, but it also was exciting.

My friends were confused when I told them. "Why didn't you ask me? I'd go with you," they said. But I didn't want anyone to come along. I wanted to do this for me, because I wanted to prove to myself that I could face my fears and step outside my comfort zone. I wanted a new perspective. I wanted to change.

I hiked beautiful mountains, rode in a helicopter above the breathtaking landscape of Milford Sound despite the terrible winds, and took my chances paragliding with a 20-year old stoned guide. I was not letting anything deter me. I was determined to try whatever scared me the most.

I did come back with a new perspective, which has guided me now through my relationships. Something had emerged in me - instead of avoiding places or events or even people who made me uncomfortable, I would put one foot in front of the other and make myself go. And about 95% of the time, if not more, it really paid off. I learned that I was stronger, more capable, and more courageous than I thought.

There's something to be said for taking risks. Going outside of your comfort zone helps to shift your perspective, to let you see things in a different way. Sure, it's scary to think of going to that party all by yourself where you don't know the crowd, but honestly, isn't it also easier to meet new people that way? Or maybe approaching that guy who's on your 7:00am train every day looks a little more possible.

Taking risks helps you see what is possible, and helps you to let go of thinking that keeps you doing the same things in the same way, expecting different results. Taking risks keeps you honest.

So, here's a challenge. Try something new this week that scares you. It can be something large (like booking a solo trip) or relatively small (like making yourself talk to someone in line at the coffee shop tomorrow morning). Taking these small risks on a regular basis will help you gain confidence, open more doors, and allow you to bring more opportunities into your life.

What's the harm in that?