Gay

I'm blessed with a wide variety of friends. Straight friends, gay friends, bi friends, transgendered friends, transsexual friends. Not only are they great people, but they give me a glimpse into their worlds, especially when it comes to online dating. In this article, I want to specifically address the concerns of bisexual men in the online dating world.

Some people will argue that there's "no such thing" as bisexual men - that as soon as a man is with another man, he becomes gay and that is that. (Funny how women can be bi and that's perfectly acceptable, if not lauded!) It's a pretty narrow-minded view, but if it's yours, go ahead and click through to another article. There's nothing to see here for you.

As a bisexual man, you're dealing with narrow-minded people, both male and female. There are women who are just as weirded out by the idea of a bisexual man as men are. In fact, I have a friend who hides his bisexuality from his wife. He doesn't act on it, but he dated men before they met and continues to fantasize about men to this day. But he loves his wife and is very much attracted to her too. He keeps his bi tendencies under wraps because he'd rather not risk losing her.

One of the biggest complaints I hear from bisexual men who list their sexuality honestly on their dating profile is that they get plenty of attention from men (both gay and bi) but hardly any emails from women. This may not be a huge problem if you don't mind dating men, but if you're feeling the pull toward the fairer sex, the pickings are slim.

Oftentimes, what works to overcome this issue is posting two dating profiles - one as a gay man and one as a straight man. This works very well on free sites, but obviously will cost you double if you are on a paid site. (I've never tried it before, but I'm thinking you may even need a different credit card to register two paid profiles.)

Since gay men aren't going to be searching for straight men (usually!), your alter ego won't show up in their searches. Since straight women aren't going to be searching for gay men, they won't find your gay side. You're still bisexual, but a little more separated than usual. Is it deceptive? A little. But you are straight AND gay, so it's not entirely a lie.

Any bisexual men have additional tips on how they manage their online dating presence?

eHarmony legal troubles may be over in New Jersey but in California they are just starting. According to a press release another class action lawsuit has been filed and certified by California Superior Court Judge, Victoria Chaney.

The plaintiffs in that case maintain that eHarmony’s decision to establish a separate site for gays rather than integrate its flagship site, eHarmony.com, amounts to an unlawful “separate but equal” policy and the continued marginalization of gays, lesbians and bisexuals.

eHarmony's separate site for gay singles is called Compatible Partners, which just launched recently.

An article on QUEERTY called If eHarmony Must Allow Gay Dating, Should Gay Sites Have To Welcome Straights? examines the California lawsuit more closely with some good comments by their readers. The author seems to be on eHarmony's side as he points out if eHarmony must allow gay singles to join their dating site, then sites like ManHunt and Adam4Adman should allow straight singles to join. Some of these gay dating sites do allow heterosexuals to join but most do not cater directly to this type of sexual orientation.

Well, eHarmony finally launched its dating website for same-sex matches yesterday, called Compatible Partners (a day before they were required too). This was part of a settlement agreement with the New Jersey Attorney General that involved a discrimination case against the company.

The actual Compatible Partners works pretty much the same as eHarmony and, that might be a problem. Compatible Partners uses the same Patented Compatibility Matching System. As stated on the homepage:

The Company's patented Compatibility Matching System was developed on the basis of research involving married heterosexual couples. The Company has not conducted similar research on same-sex relationships.

While I have not finished our review yet, I can tell you the Compatible Partners questionnaire is pretty much the same as the one on eHarmony. One would tend to think that what makes a heterosexual relationship a success would differ somewhat from a gay relationship. eHarmony does run eHarmony labs which is where the research is done for their matching system. It has a $3 million a year budget. I wonder if they currently have set aside any of these funds for researching what makes a successful gay relationship?

At least what Compatible Partners does bring to the table is a gay and lesbian dating site for establishing long term relationships that is not driven by sex, as a lot of other popular same-sex dating sites seem to be.

If you are looking for a same-sex relationship, visit eHarmony's new dating site CompatiblePartners.net. For a limited time they are offering a free 6 month membership (for the first 10,000 registered members).

Stay tuned for our review of Compatible Partners coming soon.

Update: Our new review of Compatible Partners is now online.

E Harmony has taken a lot of flack lately regarding their dating site not allowing gay singles to join. The recent settlement about eHarmony violating the New Jersey's Law Against Discrimination has only fuelled the flames. A large number of newspaper articles and blogger posts support the gay activists in which they have the right to use the dating service. Here are a few posts which take the stand on the other side of the argument.

The San Francisco Chronicle has an article called EHarmony settlement erodes everyone's freedom. Their main point is, E Harmony just didn't provide the service in which Eric McKinley (the plaintiff of the settlement) wanted, male to male matching. The author goes on and points out this would be like someone suing an Asian grocery store for religious discrimination, for not selling kosher meat

The unofficial eHarmony Blog has a post called From Arjewtino: 7 more lawsuits inspired by the eHarmony case. It is written by a gay author and looks at the case from several different angles. He also pokes fun at the E Harmony case by including 7 sample cases in which other groups of people could sue companies for not providing a certain service.

For more information regarding this dating site, read our eHarmony review.

An article on The Wall Street Journal website reviews the negative side of eHarmony settling the New Jersey anti-discrimination complaint (see Story). The complaint was about same sex matching not being available on eHarmony.

Some eHarmony customers feel

that homosexual activists have succeeded in taking a private business hostage. Why should eHarmony have to serve every type of clientele? Do Jewish dating sites have to serve Christians? Can meat-eaters demand a hamburger at vegetarian restaurants?

These are all good points but are they relevant counter points in this same-sex matching case? It wouldn't really make sense for a Christian to join a Jewish dating site. The site is designed with the Jewish faith in mind and the members who joined it obviously want to find a partner who is Jewish and makes their religion an important part of their lives. If a Christian did join the site, there wouldn't be much there for them, plus there are plenty of Christian dating sites they could join instead. A popular Jewish dating site, JDate, doesn't allow you to select Catholic as your religious background but you can select "Willing to Convert" or "Will tell you later". I don't see this as discriminatory, towards Catholics, as there are plenty of Catholic dating sites to join. If there wasn't then, maybe it would be a different story. An extreme example of this type of thinking, would be going into a Jewish Synagogue and demanding they allow other religions to practice there.

This is a slippery slope. You shouldn't discriminate against race, age, sexual orientation, gender and religion. The question is what is not going far enough and what is going too far? Should we start cracking down on businesses that offer seniors discounts or ladies nights? I don't think so. Should eHarmony have offered same-sex matching? Probably...

Check out the full story at The Wall Street Journal.

Late yesterday a press release went out by eHarmony which informed us they had settled a 3 year old allegation with the New Jersey Attorney General. The settlement was about eHarmony violating the New Jersey's Law Against Discrimination and not allowing a gay / same-sex matching service. Among $50,000 settlement money awarded to the NJ Attorney General Office and $5,000 to the original plaintiff (Eric McKinley) eHarmony has agreed to launch a same sex matching service by March 31, 2009. The new dating site is called Compatible Partners. In eHarmony's FAQ about the settlement they mention that the site will be free to the first 10,000 members who register within one year of the dating sites launch. Compatible Partners and eHarmony will be separate sites, with separate matching pools. If you seek same gender matching at eHarmony you will be directed to Compatible Partners.

The FAQ also points out:

The Compatible Partners site will have a statement posted to inform members that its Compatibility Matching System™ is solely based on research involving married heterosexual couples.

Previously eHarmony has stressed that their matching system was designed to match heterosexual couples and it would not work well with same sex matching. Is this really a win for gay activists then? One other interesting point from the FAQ is, because of the settlement eHarmony has not been found in violation of the law. Basically then eHarmony is being forced to create a gay dating site, not because it's the right thing to do but, because they do not want any more negative publicity. In the end eHarmony really wins. All this publicity surrounding eHarmony and same sex matching will more than pay for the settlement.

On a side note, the State of New Jersey seems to have something against online dating sites. Early this year they brought in the controversial Internet Dating Safety Act.

For more information about this matching service, read our eHarmony review.