Advice

If you're looking for less of a relationship and more someone to hang out with, online dating can still work for you! Some people are just getting back into the dating scene after multi-year relationships and marriages and aren't looking for anything "serious" quite yet - and that's OK. The key is to know what you're looking for from the get-go and not send out any conflicting signals to your potential matches online.

There are many sites out there like Chemistry.com and eHarmony that market on the premise of everlasting love. If that's not where your head is at, you need to look elsewhere. Some great sites to explore for less permanent dating arrangements would be Match.com, Adult Friend Finder and Lavalife. All of these sites have extended profile sections where you can explain exactly what you're looking for. Be sure to take advantage of them and spell-out your desires. Curious about what site might fit you best? Do a trial membership. All of these sites have different interfaces and communication methods between members. One's sure to be a better fit for your goals and personality!

For a site like Match.com, don't hesitate to write that you're looking to date casually and why (coming out of a long-term relationship, time constraints, getting back into the swing of things). Your potential matches will appreciate your honesty and there's nothing like being up-front. It keeps hearts from being broken and the wrong ideas from starting to germinate. The extended profile section on Match is the best place for this information, and put it right up at the top for all to read. And here's a tip: if you're interested in more casual dating, don't hesitate to make your profile a bit more brief and the photos fewer. Don't shy away from the entire profile building process entirely, but you're not looking to bear your soul to a potential mate. You're looking for someone that's pleasant to spend time with and jive with your wishes for a more casual relationship.

For sites like Adult Friend Finder and Lavalife, there's a heavier undertone of "looking for sexual partners." While casual dating is a possibility with these sites, there's a more accepting community of people who are looking for someone to have sex with on occasion. If that's what you're looking for - great! You'll find the ideal audience of potential partners at these sites. As with any online dating site, it's imperative to exercise caution when meeting people, but even moreso when there's an implied undertone of sex. Take the time to get to know anyone from a "hook-up" site over coffee (and preferably not over drinks so your judgment isn't impaired). Conversations reveal many things and it's much easier to pass on a prospective bed mate than it is to undo what's already been done under the covers.

And one final, but deep thought to close-out our business on casual encounters: if you're looking to date casually or have identified that you're looking only for a sexual partner, stick with that! If you're dating multiple people, consider how you're going to handle the prospect of sex. Will sleeping with one person rule-out seeing others? How are you built? Are you capable of juggling multiple dates and giving each one your focus? And the same goes for those looking only for sex: having sex doesn't mean falling in love. Be clear about your intentions and don't put yourself in a position that you're not ready or willing to handle. Granted, there's always the possibility of finding that you really click with someone, but don't revert to relationship-like behavior if you don't want to be in a relationship.

For more on dating sites whose members are interested in casual encounters, read our Passion.com review and our Lavalife review.

You've been off of your favorite online dating site for awhile now. But - you've taken the step, logged back in and reactivated your account. That's a relief, isn't it? Now it's time to search! (The fun part...) You enter your criteria, hit the magic button...

but you've seen most of these people before.

What the...

They're what I used to call the "Repeat Offenders." The same people seem to be online every time I go back to an online dating site after a break. Granted, there are always some inactive profiles that show up because the dating sites think they look good, but why are these people still here? There must be something wrong with them, right?

But wait - you're here, too. Are they saying the same thing about YOU? Maybe you're on the site everytime THEY come back from a break, too! (funny, isn't it?) It's a double edged sword and believe me: it cuts both ways. That's something I'd never thought of until one of my friends, faced with my "Repeat Offenders" theory, offered me another way to look at things.

Instead of looking at the people you've seen before as "defective," why not embark upon an online dating adventure and take another look? Their profile may have been rewritten, new pictures posted...something that brings a spark to your eye! And they're probably "not defective." Like, you, they get busy with work. They start dating someone and it doesn't work for whatever reason. And odds are, they're picky - just like you. They're not willing to settle for the sake of being in a relationship. Whatever is takes, they're holding out. And that's anything BUT defective. That's actually pretty admirable.

So next time you see one of the "Repeat Offenders," do yourself a favor: give them a glance, as you're hoping that's what someone might do for you.

Lately there have been a few disturbing stories in online dating news – people who were taken advantage of, or even raped. Naturally, some have begun to question the safety of online dating. I maintain that online dating is no more dangerous than meeting any new person – imagine if it were national news every time anyone was raped – but that doesn't mean we shouldn't revisit dating safety often.

There's one obvious tip that we hear all the time: Don't give away too much personal information. However, what does that really mean? Sure, you know not to give out your address, but beyond that it depends on your level of comfort. If you work at a very small, specific place, it might be best to keep those specifics under wraps as well, unless you're on a blind date set up by a work friend. Some might not want to give out their home phone number; cell phones make this easy.

It might be prudent to use an email address from a third-party. The ones you get from your Internet service provider, school, or work often have your full name in it. A random screen name gives one extra step of protection – and notice that the key word here is 'random.' Many people today have gotten in the habit of using one screen name for absolutely everything. If you're one of those people, try googling that screen name and see what information you could piece together about yourself. What have you posted about in forums? What about that ancient Livejournal you forgot about? If you don't want all that information in the hands of every prospective date, you might want to create a new IM account for chatting as well.

When actually meeting someone for a first date, it should always be in a public place. There's nothing wrong with bringing a friend as backup, to perch strategically somewhere in the venue. If you can't bring a friend, it's not even a bad idea to get there early and strike up a friendship with the bartender or someone else who can easily keep an eye on the situation. It's always good to have your own transportation – arrive separately, leave separately.

Last, and most importantly: trust your gut. If something seems fishy before that first date, you don't need to go on it “just to see.” If you feel uncomfortable or nervous, feel free to leave. Don't let peer pressure get to you – ultimately, you're the one talking to your prospective date, and you might be picking up on something you hadn't yet consciously put together. When your safety is concerned, it's better to play it safe than take chances.

A new year means a new lease on love, right? Whether you're headed into the new year single and searching or attached and optimistic, I sat down and did some thinking on a list of resolutions for everyone.

Resolutions don't just have to be the ones that get you into a gym for 2 weeks or get you to nix Twinkies from your diet. They can be emotional commitments we make to put our lives on-track and going in the right direction. They can be goal-oriented, making us better people when we wake up each day. With that in mind, here are the five top dating resolutions for 2010 - and any year you want to make a great year for love:

Resolution 1: Know Your Worth. You're a fantastic human being. You're a good friend. Understand exactly what it is that you bring to the table in any relationship situation and never let anyone make you feel like less than you're worth. People who need to knock you down have no place in your life. Set yourself free to be with someone who appreciates you, shares with you and says those two magical words that none of us say enough: thank you. You're worth it.

Resolution 2: Listen More Than You Talk. It doesn't matter if you're sitting down on a first date or the thirtieth: lend your date an ear. Good day or bad, happy or sad, they're relying on you to hear them. When you listen, you have the opportunity to explore someone else's life through their eyes (a rare gift, indeed). People will tell you lots of things, so when you think your date isn't talking enough for your tastes, maybe you can try listening more.

Resolution 3: Be Your Own Person. Yes, chivalry is nice. It's great when men open doors for you and delightful when they treat you to dinner. But you're not entitled to any of that. Pick up coffee every now and then. Grab your date a treat. Pay for lunch. Contribute what you can to the relationship financially. After all, it's not about money, it's about being active in the relationship. He'll appreciate the fact that you make the effort and aren't looking at the ceiling every time the check arrives.

Resolution 4: Break that Pattern. Do you find yourself dating the same type of person over and over again (and with the same dismal results)? This year, try something new. There's probably a reason those relationships still don't work: they're not supposed to. As you move into the next year, give someone a try that you usually wouldn't date. Try the nice guy/girl. The bad boy/girl. The geek, the plumber, the chef...there are no hard and fast rules as to what works and what doesn't. Break your own rules and try someone on for size!

Resolution 5: Laugh More. The hunt for love sucks, right? All those relationships that don't work, broken hearts, bad dates - a real mess, right? Stop crying and start laughing! Truth is always stranger than fiction. Have some fun: keep a dating journal, start a blog. If you go public, be sure to change names so as to not offend, but enjoy the journey down the path to lasting love and chuckle every now and again.

The moral of the story? There's always humor. You're the most important person in any relationship. Hold your own. Try something new. While pretty universal mantras, they could be your golden ticket to dating success in 2010. Don't give up, and remember: there's always tomorrow. Your best match could be just around the corner!

Writing an online profile and going on a date are quite similar in some ways. In each, you're responsible for some form of a first impression. In addition to worrying about superficial aspects like your appearance, you have to choose the appropriate amount of information to spill. However, in an online profile, you can spend hours or even days constructing the right balance between clammed-up and life-story. On a date, you're flying by the seat of your pants, in real time.

One of the first obstacles some have to overcome is the urge to lie. Anxious people in stressful situations can get irrational fears – that they're not interesting enough, or that they have no witty anecdotes. Maybe they even fudged more than their height and body type on the profile, and now they're struggling to keep their stories straight. These people might be inclined to lie, but as in most situations, honesty is the best policy – no stories to keep straight (either now or later), and the amount of stress involved is greatly reduced.

Others might have a tendency to spill a little too much about themselves, either in quantity or quality. I admit that I sometimes fall into the latter category – I have to make sure I don't tell more about my life than is safe. Facts like where you work, or even where your neighborhood haunts are, are best reserved for later dates, when the date is less of a stranger.

Then there are those who might not say much about their current life, but will go on and on about everything else – their high school experiences, the health of their pets, everything we never needed to know. Like the others, this tendency stems from nerves – wanting to fill space with anything, even if it's not a worthy conversation topic.

In overcoming any of these issues, relaxation is the key. It's okay to take a second during the date and reflect: are you talking so much you're running out of breath? Is your date talking too, or are you dominating the conversation? Does the conversation have a natural flow, or are you trying too hard?

If you're worried about being interesting on the date, I would recommend coming up with a few anecdotes ahead of time. Think of the contestants on Jeopardy and how they usually have some cutesy story; one or two of those get the conversation moving, and once you relax, it will have its own momentum.

In online dating, it's really easy to get completely hung up on the small stuff. We've all experienced a poorly edited profile when searching a site; in fact, it often feels like more people allow their cat to wander around on their keyboard than construct an interesting, readable profile. Well, maybe that's because the people who write readable, interesting text become so obsessed with perfection that they never get their profile up to begin with.

In a most basic sense, it's approach anxiety. Some people aren't very good at approaching people they're interested in, and then they compound matters by viewing an online profile as an approach to everyone, all at the same time. They don't stop to reason that profiles are always easily changed and updated; they become obsessed with getting every detail just right before putting it out there. And for them, it's never just right.

While not everyone has that level of anxiety and obsessiveness about constructing the perfect profile, we still often give ourselves mental stumbling blocks. One of the biggest I've observed is our preoccupation with our weight.

“I'll take a picture of myself when I've lost ten pounds,” we think. “I don't want to use an old photo, so I'll just wait until I lose the weight.” I've even known people who have said, “I've lost weight, and I don't have any recent photos of it... but I'm not totally done... so I'll wait until then.”

Here's the thing: unless you're talking about a weight loss of 25 pounds or more, pictures of your face will be mostly the same. Will they be a touch rounder or thinner? Maybe, depending on your starting weight – a 250-lb man would have to gain or lose more to make a difference than a 120-lb woman. But chances are, the slight difference in the face is something noticeable only to you. You certainly won't be unrecognizable if you post a picture and subsequently lose ten pounds.

Also, the actual photo will be limited by the requirements of the site. They probably won't be able to see that tiny blemish or that rogue section of your bangs. What's important is that your photo is recent, shows you happy, and is as natural as possible.

Remember, it's impossible to have success in online dating if you never get started. Don't let a quest for perfection be your stumbling block.