Tips

I've written before about how much I love Halloween, especially the horror movies that inevitably fill my Netflix queue each fall.

I've heard a fair deal of horror film criticism over the years, from “It just gives crazy people ideas” to “There must be something wrong with anyone who actually likes watching this stuff.” I always take it in stride, but this year, finally, I have a rebuttal: horror films are dating advice in disguise.

Really? Yes, really.

Normally the type of scares we talk about come October are the ones that involve zombies and werewolves and candy-craving kids hopped up on too much sugar, but around here we're more concerned with a different kind of fright.

Over the last 8 years, I've spent a lot of time reading, writing, and occasionally even following online dating advice. And whew...there is some scary, scary stuff out there. Plenty of people get it right, but let's be honest – plenty more get it wrong, so wrong it's almost scary how bad it is.

I spend most of my time on the good advice, but Halloween puts me in the mood for being horrified so today we're taking a detour to Terrortown. All of the advice you're about to read? Don't follow it, unless you want to be an urban legend singles tell to scare each other off online dating.

Is there any place more filled, teaming, brimming with boring clichés that online dating? Even most Hallmark cards aren't this cheesy.

This probably doesn't come as a shock, but I'll say it anyway: your clichés aren't impressing anyone. If you want to find a date online, you have to stand out from the crowd – not sound like everyone else in it. Next time you’re tempted to type one of the following phrases, don't.

• “No baggage.” Not only is this boring, it's also kind of rude and unrealistic. A human being with no baggage doesn't exist. Yes, that includes you. How can you expect someone to have no "stuff" in their past when you have stuff of your own? What “no baggage” really means is “I’m setting myself up for perpetual disappointment” or “I’m not actually ready to date another Homo sapien.” (But, um…hopefully you’re not planning to date anything else, either.)
• “Knight in shining armor.” We're back to that "perpetual disappointment" thing again.” This is yet another totally unrealistic expectation, not to mention a completely outdated concept. Have you forgotten what year this is? This is 2014, not 1420. In this century, we like relationships to be a little more equitable and the “battle of the sexes” should no longer be a battle. No battle means no armor needed.
• “Looking to make friends.” Friends are great. I love friends. You love friends. Everyone loves having friends. But a dating site isn't the place to meet them. Putting this phrase in your online dating profile is bound to bring up more questions than it answers. Does this person not have any friends already? Why not? What's wrong with them? Are they lying to seem coy or unthreatening? Do they really know what they want?
• “I don’t take life too seriously.” In other words, you're totally directionless and coasting through life. It's not that life should be taken seriously all the time – because it shouldn’t – but if there's any aspect of life about which you ought to be serious, it's probably your partner. Shouldn't finding love with someone special be one of the most serious quests you undertake? If what you mean by this phrase is that you're fun, adventurous, full of humor, etc., then find a different way to show it.
• “My _____ is/are everything to me.” Fill in the blank. It could be a pet. It could be children. It could be your career. Whatever it is, what it says to potential dates is "You're competing for second place…at best.” Way to make someone feel special.
• “I’m bubbly.” Are you champagne? In that case, great. If not, everyone knows that’s code for “loud and annoying.”

With millions of people signed up for online dating sites, making a memorable first impression is a must. And what makes the ultimate first impression?

Your photos, of course. Choosing the right selection of pictures could make or break your online dating experience. Here are 7 tips to set you on the right track:

1. More is more. Having just one photo on your profile isn’t going to cut it. The more photos you have, the better you’re able to show off who you really are (and at the end of the day that’s the point, isn’t it?). Use each photo as an opportunity to illustrate a specific side of your personality.

2. But sometimes, less is more. A busy background detracts from the most important part of the picture: YOU! Photos with multiple people have the same effect. Intense make-up and over-the-top clothing can also distract from the person underneath. Choose photos in which you’re the center of attention. If you have a favorite photo that doesn’t fit the bill, crop it until it does.

3. Mix it up. Do you look exactly the same in every…single…photo…? Yawn. Boring. Vary your poses, locations, and outfits. You probably have a good side (who doesn’t?), but a date isn’t always going to see you at exactly the right angle. Change things up. Variety is the spice of life, after all.

4. Make eye contact. Studies have found that the most popular online daters look directly into the camera and show teeth when they smile.

5. Don’t just go for the glamour shots. There’s no harm in having a picture that shows you at your best, but every single photo on your profile shouldn’t look like a modeling portfolio. Include photos that show off what you like to do for fun. What are your hobbies, passions, interests, dreams? Express them visually. Show emotion in your photos. Nobody wants to date duck face.

6. If you’re looking for fun, be fun. Some people turn to online dating to find love. But you’re not one of those people. You’re just looking for a little fun. So look like someone other people will want to have fun with! Brooding bathroom selfies aren’t going to convince anyone to come on a spontaneous roadtrip with you. Photos of the awesome costume you worn to that crazy party last weekend, on the other hand, might.

7. If you’re looking for something serious, take it seriously. No gratuitous shots of your abs, please. No ambiguous pics with guys or gals who may or may not be your ex, either. And no shots of that time you passed out, wasted, in the middle of the bathroom floor. Think about the message your pictures convey. Are you sending the right one?

Anyone who says online dating isn’t tough is either lying, delusional, or hasn’t actually ever touched a computer before. As easy as it is to create a profile and start clicking through potential dates, actually finding someone you connect with can be a challenge. Dating is hard, therefore online dating is hard.

Occasionally you find yourself in a rut. Or maybe you haven’t even started in the first place. Either way, there are things you can do today – right now – to give your online dating experience a much-needed boost.

1. Start! What’s stopping you? Are you still worried online dating might not be for you? You won’t know until you try. Take the plunge.
2. Give your profile a makeover. When was the last time you updated your profile? Can you remember the last time you looked at it? Actually, can you even remember what you put on it in the first place? You are constantly evolving and your profile should be too.
3. Delete all the mirror selfies. You have friends. Get them to take your picture instead. No one cares what your bathroom looks like or what you wear to the gym.
4. Upload a silly picture instead. Professional headshots belong in two places only: on your LinkedIn profile and in a casting director’s hands. No one is looking to date a carefully crafted (and probably Photoshopped image) – they want to date the real you. Someone with a personality. Show it off in a fun, free-spirited snap.
5. Ask a friend to be your online dating support system.  Online dating can be intimidating, but nothing cuts down on the intimidation factor like having a trusted friend by your side. Motivate each other to keep meeting new people whenever the going gets tough.
6. Be proactive. Don’t wait for someone else to make the first move. Take action! Your potential pool of dates expands rapidly as soon as you start initiating conversations instead of waiting for others to do it. You may not always get the response you want, but you’ll gain confidence from knowing that you tried.
7. Set goals. As with most things in life, you achieve more when you set goals for yourself. Have you seriously thought about what you want out of your online dating experience? If you’re not sure, how can you find the person who will give it to you? Write down your goals – both short-term and long-term – until you have a clear picture of what you’re looking for.

Many singles get burned out on dating. If you’ve been out of a relationship for a while, it can be exhausting to go on an endless amount of first dates, join online dating site after online dating site, or even just drag yourself to another party that may or may not have any single people attending.

While I’m a huge advocate for putting yourself out there, taking advantage of opportunities (romance can come into your life when you least expect it), sometimes it’s more beneficial to take a time-out and regroup when you're feeling depleted.

In recent months, there has been an increasing interest in “unplugging.” We are constantly busy, always rushing to the next meeting, event, business trip, or date – so it’s hard to disconnect from our phones and our lives, even for a few minutes. The problem with all of this over-stimulation is that it burns us out. We put so much time and energy into our careers, social media presence, friends and family obligations that we often lose ourselves in the process. This doesn't make us very motivated to date.

How can you connect with anyone else if you have lost touch with yourself?

Instead of beating yourself up for not meeting anybody, or for letting your membership lapse on Match.com or eHarmony, remember we all need a break from time to time. Try these simple tips instead to help you regroup. Time-outs are good for all of us:

Pick a new hobby that makes you happy. Maybe you used to paint, or play volleyball, or were learning Italian before you got pulled into those daily obligations or got caught up in schedules and career. If there is a hobby outside of work and your family life that is all yours, then pursue it. We become the life we cultivate for ourselves, so make sure you incorporate joy into yours.

Meditate or do yoga. It’s important to embrace silence. We are surrounded by constant stimulus, so it is difficult sometimes to pull ourselves away from email, work, social media, or checking Tinder. But it’s vital. Take time to be quiet and strengthen your mind and body so you can be in a better place to connect with others when you go on your next date.

Find an exercise routine that invigorates you. Going to the gym is healthy but can get so boring! Get outside instead – go rock-climbing, biking, play volleyball, or take up a new sport that challenges you a little. An extra boost of energy and endorphins goes a long way.

Linger over dinner or brunch with friends. That’s right, no more scheduling meetings and appointments back-to-back on the weekends. Leave your afternoons free, enjoy spontaneous plans, and linger over that delicious meal with your friends. It will help you be more present and relaxed on your dates, too.