Advice

As much as we love updating our Facebook pages, we can't seem to escape the impact social networking now has in our dating lives. The Facebook "relationship status" is yet another way to test the seriousness of a relationship. It has become as important a step in the progression of a relationship as when to say "I love you".

Some wonder if they should update their status first, others wonder what it means if their boyfriend or girlfriend leaves it open, and some use it to break the news and dump a current significant other. Any way you look at it, it seems to be the cause of a lot of unnecessary drama. If you tend to use Facebook as a relationship bulletin board, please remember to keep a few things in mind before you update or post:

• Facebook status changes are a mutual decision. Do not post that you're "in a relationship" before you've actually discussed this with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Conversely, do not post that you're single until you've broken up with your significant other. Facebook doesn't replace the phone or an in-person conversation.
• Do not have arguments over Facebook. As much as you want to let all of your friends know that you're right and your boyfriend is wrong, do not share this information via Facebook. When you make up, the trail of insults will still be there to follow you.
• Don't be friends with your ex on Facebook if you can't resist checking his page. Break-ups are emotional, and sometimes our exes move on more quickly than we do. If you are still hurting or angry, do not check his Facebook page for new pictures posted, status updates, or anything else that might cause you to write some nasty remark on his wall or cry yourself to sleep. If you have to, de-friend him.
• Facebook is a public profile, so don't share what you wouldn't want an employer or potential date to see. If you use Facebook as a platform to share details about your personal life, think again. Your boss or future employer will be able to read it, and it may affect your career. Same thing with potential dates checking you out online.

Bottom line, try to have the difficult or emotional conversations in person, and keep your Facebook confessions to a minimum.

For dating sites which offer social networking applications, check out our Facebook Dating reviews category.

I frequently compare online dating sites with the hunt to find a potential match “in real life.” Recently, I've begun to notice something vaguely unsettling and a little unexpected about those who attempt both at the same time. To put it simply, many people have much higher expectations when they peruse online dating sites than when they meet someone in a random setting.

You could chalk it up to various mitigating circumstances, as I have in the past. Maybe it has to do with alcohol, which is often present in in-person encounters. Maybe people are more depressed when they're looking online.

And this is very probably true, to a certain extent. However, I think the main factor here is advertising. We've grown up watching movies and TV shows about unlikely pairings, opposites attracting, the fact that the best thing might be right in front of our faces. Thus, we're more mentally open to the idea of growing into a relationship with people we meet by chance. We also tend to discount “love at first sight” as something that exists in only the sappiest of fictional romances.

Now consider the marketing for online dating sites. All of the most saccharine anecdotes are trotted out. We're told explicitly that we can find our perfect match – that we can experience love at first read, even. Rather than being told that the perfect match for us might not be that guy in GQ magazine or that supermodel we dream about, we're encouraged to seek out that dream image. After all, the possibilities are endless, right?

I still think online dating is an incredibly valid and useful tool in finding potential relationships, and meeting new people. I simply worry about those people who might pass up perfectly good matches because they don't line up with their imaginary dream person. I've seen people accept dates from chance encounters simply because the person asking was nice, only to turn up their noses at many exciting options online.

One of the most exciting features of online dating sites is the ability to try out different options and find happiness in unexpected places. Don't miss out by searching only for your “dream” match. Love is exciting enough; it doesn't need to be crammed into a cliché.

I may not be psychic, but I can read a dating profile and tell a client a lot about their ex (or exes!). The funniest part about it is the absolute shock when my clients admit that yes, that's exactly what their ex was like... how did I KNOW? (It never gets old.) It must be the same look that my friend the tarot reader gets when she nails a card reading for someone.

Realize it or not, most of you are leaving a trail of breadcrumbs in your profile that describes exactly what your most recent ex did to you. Or didn't do for you.

In women's profiles, I often see:
"Faithful" = my ex was a cheater
"Honest" = my ex was a liar
"Family Values" = my ex didn't want to get married and have babies

In men's profiles, I often see:
"Communicative" = my ex never told me how she was feeling
"Truthful" = my ex was a liar (or more often, left out important details)
"Stable" = my ex was crazy

It's not your fault. It's human nature for us to describe something we want in terms that give away the last model we owned.

Think about cars, for example. I own a 2002 Mitsubishi Mirage. I bought it 100% because the dealership had a $0 down, $0 interest & $0 payments for a year special. And it was red. And a stick. It was the first new car I had ever owned.

But now that I've driven Xanadu for 8 years, I've come to realize there are some things I wouldn't mind in my next car. If I were writing a personal ad for my perfect car match, I'd say that I want one with a quiet cabin, cruise control, and four doors.

What are the problems I have with my current car? You guessed it! It's noisy as heck on the highway, long trips are a pain in the leg without cruise control, and having passengers in the back is difficult with only two doors.

Take a good gander at your current profile. Obviously, there are going to be some factoids about your ex that will be given away, but taking the time to smooth away the more obvious ones will improve the quality of your profile and the results it gets for you!

Occasionally, I hear complaints from friends. They say things like, “When I approached that girl, I couldn't have done anything better!” or “I sent this guy the perfect first email, and he never sent anything back.” They'll spend an extraordinary amount of time analyzing what they could have done differently, what they did wrong. It seems that the most difficult thing for some people to process is actually the simplest answer: that they couldn't have done anything better, and the ultimate verdict lies with the other person.

Losing control of any situation is hard. When it's our potential relationships, we want to have total control over the outcome. In some cases, being proactive actually makes it more difficult to let go: those people become all the more determined to “fix” their situation, thinking there's “something” they can do differently.

The truth is, any relationship – even a chance meeting – is comprised of two people, and those two people are of equal importance. Just as a bad day might screw up your mood or cause you to miss overtures from a stranger altogether, so it might dampen someone else's. Just as you are allowed to not be attracted to someone, so can they. Sometimes the chemistry just isn't there or the circumstances simply isn't right – and that's okay.

If you're improving your emailing skills, refining the way you approach people, you will see an overall improvement. But no one person is irresistible to everyone in the world, and you might not always hit it off. Maybe you need to approach more people to see that now your success rate is one in six instead of one in ten, or maybe there's still more work to be done. The important thing, however, is that you don't dwell on those times that don't work out. Letting go may be one of the hardest lessons, but it's the one that will allow you to move on to success.

Everyone has something physical about them that makes them self-conscious – we're such an appearance-obsessed society that it would be weird if we were completely impervious to the thousands of ads we see a day. Maybe our teeth aren't perfectly straight or perfectly white. Maybe we're overweight or underweight. We might be shorter than average, or taller than average. Maybe we have unruly hair, or no hair at all.

The surprising truth about our obsession with appearance is that, by and large, we are much more self-critical than we are critical of others. A multitude of “imperfections” can be masked by one thing: confidence. Most of the techniques people use to try to hide what they're nervous about – covering their mouth, slouching down – actually backfire and draw attention to the very thing you're trying to mask. What actually works is acting confident: good posture (no matter your height or body type), smiling (regardless of teeth status), being natural and relaxed.

The same techniques work in online dating profiles. It's a good idea to have your best picture set as the default. However, if all your pictures are from the chin up, with the same expression, artfully posed and processed, I'm going to think you're trying to hide something. Showing a full-length picture is something that takes guts, and is a bit of a gamble, but it can pay off – you're not afraid to put it all out there. There's one important note, though: an example of a good full-length picture is a candid picture that happens to show most or all of your body. You're still having a good time, doing something active or laughing at a party. It is most definitely not a creepy self-portrait in a mirror.

You don't have to have a full-length shot to convey confidence in your profile pics. Simply smiling with your mouth open often conveys more true happiness and honesty to the viewer. Choose shots where you're truly having a good time, even if you're not looking absolutely perfect. A carefully made-up face with a self-conscious grin looks about as appealing as it sounds.

Remember: your imperfections are ten times more obvious to you than they are to others. Presenting yourself with confidence shows you in your best light. And don't immerse yourself in photoshopped false perfection! If done consistently, these tips will not only attract others, but actually make you feel better about yourself - and that's most important.

In recent years, much attention has been paid to “pick-up artist” techniques, even spurring a reality show on VH1. I've never been a fan of them. Indeed, I think if you're looking for more than a quick hook-up you're wasting your time, because much of “the Game” is posturing – even more than your average “let's get dressed up and pretend this is our everyday look” sort of fakery. Most importantly, I find most pick-up artist techniques disrespectful to women, the men utilizing the techniques, even relationships in general. Here's the funny thing, though: By and large, the techniques of pick-up artists do not work on online dating profiles.

The reasons for this are many. For one thing, one of the most well-known PUA strategies is something called a “neg” - a backhanded comment. The general premise is that by essentially insulting a woman, you're demonstrating your confidence, and therefore increasing your desirability. As you might imagine, hitting the right amount of sarcasm and humor is key here, or else... well, or else you've just insulted a woman.

Two things least likely to translate well on the Internet? Humor and sarcasm. Not that people don't try – trust me, I've read some profiles that might sound hilarious if performed, but on the screen they just seem angry and bitter. If I'm comparing someone whose “wit” seems to be abusing those around him, and someone who's honest and maybe a little self-deprecating, I'll be willing to go for the honest one, every time. The bitter guy might be funny in person... or he could be exactly as he sounds on his profile. It's a gamble I'm not willing to take. I don't think I'm alone here, either.

Fuzzy interpretation isn't the only problem when attempting to “pick up” online; clarity can be a problem as well. When PUA's try to pick up girls in public, they're often full of distractions; eye-catching fashion, props to use as conversation starters, even other friends to act as “wing man.” There's an overload of stimulus when it comes to these people.

Compare this to what you get online: pictures you can study and which diminish the mystique of a character; an absence of “wing men”; a reliance on self-reflection and self-esteem. Rather than pumping themselves up by putting down those around them, a PUA has to make himself (or herself!) look good on his own merits.

Will there be those who attempt to use PUA techniques online? Maybe so – but good luck to them, because they'll need it.