Advice

The Huffington Post recently published an article that discusses how you can use your relationship as a de-stressing tool. Seriously? We all usually think of relationships as a cause of stress, not a relief. However, the article talks about some behaviors that we can incorporate into our day-to-day to lower stress and improve our relationships simultaneously.

We're "pair bonders," says the article. It means we register those affectionate touches and physical contact from our partners as signs of affection and approval, thus lowering stress. We have higher levels of stress when we feel as if we're not "approved" or liked. So why not spend some time with your partner holding hands, snuggling on the couch and getting close? Add hugs back into your routine and hold hands. How often we forget to do these things? Well, stop forgetting! The article indicates that touch is one of the best stress relievers possible. Smiling also reduces cortisol, the stress hormone. Hey - smiling is easy, right?

You can also de-stress your relationship with eye contact, comforting words and kissing. This all seems kind of like a no-brainer, doesn't it? The essence of the article is that we should be using our relationships as points of de-stressing instead of origins of stress. If we took the time of out the day to focus on intimacy with our partners, including physical contact, verbal and non-verbal communication and simple acts of kindness, it offers two-way benefits: not only do we start spending more loving time with our partners (which improves our relationship) but we lower the stress in our life, making us a better partner through and through!

The article does warn, however, to engage in a period of more loving behavior for a period of three weeks, Longer could dampen the senses to these affectionate displays and negate the good vibes you're building. That's not to say you should switch to "mean." It's just a word of warning that too much of a good thing can indeed be too much!

You can read the entire article at the Huffington Post here.

Using an online dating site can be a lifesaver for the particularly shy, or for those who find it easier to express themselves through writing. No longer is the first impression based entirely on a single skill that might not be their best! They can play to their strengths first.

However, there always comes the inevitable day when a face-to-face meeting is necessary. For many, it's as though all the work on the dating site is erased; they feel the first-impression jitters all over again. And really, maybe they're right to be a little nervous; despite the best connections online, it's the chemistry in person that will make the strongest impression.

So, if you're painfully shy or you trip over your tongue, how can you best prepare for those first in-person meetings? The answer is simple: practice. Perhaps, for some, their shyness is truly a life-long problem, but for others it's simply that they've gotten out of practice. The Internet has made it possible to even order and pay for a pizza online; human interaction is reduced to the bare minimum.

'Practice' does not mean approaching members of the opposite sex cold and asking them out. Rather, start small; strike up a conversation with a postal worker, a checkout girl, an old man in the voting lines. Practice, literally, making small talk. Any new meeting, no matter how intense the online connection, will start with some amount of small talk. It's a handy skill to have.

Once you're comfortable chatting with people for whom you have no romantic interest, try bumping it up a notch. Ask an attractive person for directions, or if they know where to find the ketchup in the grocery store. Don't expect anything to come out of this tiny encounter; you're simply honing your skills.

With diligent practice, you'll feel more confident in any social situation, even the dreaded first encounter. And who knows? You might even become so skilled that you skip the Internet altogether!

Have you ever watched children play a board game? It gets interesting when someone finally wins – and someone else loses. Some kids are at peace with the fact that their game is essentially a game of chance. Some vow to do better next time. And some, well, throw a temper tantrum.

Those children eventually grow up, but sometimes the way they handle rejection remains the same. And since sore losers aren't exactly uncommon, perhaps you should ask yourself: Am I handling rejection appropriately?

We all get rejected from time to time, whether in dating or elsewhere. We've also probably done our share of rejecting. One important factor to remember: accept the answer. It's okay to be upset, privately. It's okay to complain to friends or family. But whatever you do, for whatever the reason, do not attempt to follow up with the person that rejected you. Don't email back to ask why, or admonish them for being less than tactful. Take no for an answer and moved on. Consider: if you were rejected from a college, would you email admissions demanding reasons why?

Another skill to have is the ability to move on. Some might appear to let their rejection go – on the surface. Privately, however, they obsess. Could they have done something different? Is this their ideal match? Should they email again with a better profile? Others feel like they need closure – from one email. Placing too much significance on a first-contact email is a sure way to fall into this trap.

Handling rejection appropriately hinges on placing the proper amount of importance on the situation. Ending a years-long relationship should not feel equal to receiving a negative response from a first-contact email. Another helpful tip is to expect a certain amount of rejection; no one person is universally attractive.

If you're rejected, don't take it too seriously. Examine your profile and email to see if they can be improved. If you can't find some obvious problem, let it go. If the rejection continues, maybe it's time to get a second opinion on your profile. Either way, keeping everything in perspective will lead to less stress for you – which is most important. And you won't be the child throwing the unnecessary temper tantrum.

Have you ever thought about adopting a pet? Nowadays the internet makes it easy to find breeders and rescues in the next state, without ever leaving your home. Still, most sites advise that you meet the animal before making a final decision. After all, sometimes you'll just click with an animal, and sometimes you won't, no matter how adorable and perfect it seemed on the site.

For most people, this seems like a logical approach. Still, there are those who would buy their pets sight unseen. More often than not, they're stuck with a less-than-ideal pet for the next ten years, or worse, they'll abandon it.

It's the same in the dating world. There are those who want to move way too quickly, whether it's asking someone out in the first email or moving across the country to be with someone you've never met. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes they discover their perfect match actually came from a puppy mill.

Trust me when I say you do not want to be one of these people, the kind that are overly emotionally invested. For one thing, if you're ready to move in together after the first date, it gives the impression that you're rather careless about your heart. If you don't come off as clingy or needy, you might well come off insincere.

Let's say you meet someone, and you feel, without a shadow of a doubt, that they are the perfect person for you. If you're so sure of your eventual success, why rush things? If you're so perfect, you'll probably still be perfect a month or two from now. If your relationship is indestructible, even though you've never met, then a meeting will not destroy you.

Remember, too, that a relationship takes two, and sometimes the two parties are not on the same page. You might think it's love at first sight, whereas your partner might only think there's potential. Move too fast and you could scare them off altogether.

Above all, a relationship has to work in person as well as online. Just as you want to meet that puppy before making a commitment, so too should you want to check out your potential match. Chemistry is a tricky thing, and we are, after all, part of the animal kingdom.

If you are overwhelmed by the amount of time you need to invest to effectively online date, there may be a solution.

Virtualdatingassistants.com and Doneforyoudating.com are two companies that offer assistance if you are just too busy to look for love on your own. They help craft your profile, surf different dating websites to look for matches, check matching profiles, and can even communicate on your behalf.

While I'm a fan of technology that can make things easier for the average dater to meet new people, I'm skeptical when it involves too much automation. We all bring our own unique personalities and attributes to the table when we date...and we are looking for a connection to another person. But can this be done with the help of a virtual assistant?

I understand that many people don't have time to get the most out of their online dating experience. Emails and matches go without response or notice for days or even weeks at a time. We've all gotten busy and let things go, and this means we may be missing out on meeting people who might be well suited to us.

In this respect, I think virtual dating assistants are helpful. They can assist you with your own search, provided you give them accurate guidelines of what you are really looking for. Most services only make you pay for the matches you approve.

The problem comes with the communication. I still feel it's best to craft your own emails, because your ability to attract the right people is dependent on your unique personality. When you use a virtual dating assistant, the service can produce great writing but it will be too generic to convey the real you. In this way, you could miss out on those people who didn't get a sense of who you really are from your email communication.

Bottom line? Online dating assistants can be helpful for daters with busy schedules, and offer a cheaper alternative to personal matchmaking. But you could be missing out on meeting a lot of great people, just because you aren't fully involved in the actual search process.

If you join an online dating site and have the time to go on dates, make the time to get to know your matches from the beginning. Don't have a service do your communicating for you.

I admit it; I've been an early adopter of many a social networking site. Some of them never caught on; some I grew past. One thing I try to do, however, is delete my page when I know I'm really done using it. You'd think people would do this all the more frequently when it comes to online dating sites; after all, most of them have a singular purpose, and if you're satisfied in a relationship it ought to be time to take down the profile, right? Not so, for many. And so we have to wade through the flotsam and jetsam of abandoned profile pages as we begin our search.

Sure, we might not see many of these pages when we first begin. Live in a small enough area, however, and soon you're turning over every rock. That's when you realize that the guy that consistently pops up for you on page one actually has three different pages on this one site; he seems to create a new page every time he feels like updating, though he's been using the same pictures since 2005 at least. One girl randomly catches your eye, but she hasn't logged on in at least three years, and in her “recently read” section she talks about the hype surrounding that one Dan Brown novel.

Why do people leave up these monuments to their past searches? The reasons are varied. For the oldest pages, the people have probably forgotten their passwords at this point, if they even realize their profile is still floating around out there. For the more recent – the ones that are a year or less outdated – it could be that they're trying out dating or a relationship, but they're insecure enough about it that they've left their page up, just in case. And then there's the sneaky ones that log in regularly, but never answer email; they're technically dating but they like to see what else is out there.

Like so much litter, we simply have to move around these abandoned pages. But let this be a lesson to you! You can always save a copy of your own profile on your computer, if you think it's really good, when you get into a relationship. If you put it up again later, you're at least guaranteeing that you'll proofread it and that it will stay up-to-date. Those in your area will also view it with fresh eyes. But there's no reason to leave up a profile when you've lost interest or found someone; it's simply contributing to the waste.