Advice

Maybe there was a little spark of attraction when your friend brought her boyfriend to parties or dinners. Maybe you flirted a bit. Now that they've broken up and he's asked you out, should you date him? Or would you feel like you were betraying your friend?

You can throw caution to the wind and jump into a relationship with your friend's ex, hoping that over time your friend will see how happy you are and forgive you. Or, you can turn him down, reminding yourself that there are plenty of other guys out there and you don't want to engage in something that may really hurt your friend. There are no set guidelines for this, but first understand the consequences before you make any rash decisions.

Here are a few things to consider that may help you figure out what to do:

1. Is this guy or girl worth the effort? Hopefully you've had more than a few occasions to interact, and you've observed how he treats your friend and others around him. Is he respectful and kind, or is he a bit immature and selfish? This is an indication of how he would treat you once the romance fades.
2. How close is your friend? Is she a co-worker and happy hour buddy you see every day, or is she someone you have grown close to over the years? If you would miss the friendship, you may want to reconsider your plan.
3. Be open and honest with your friend. Instead of sneaking around to date your friend's ex, let her know your intentions up front. If the tables were turned, you would want to know. Creating an honest environment from the beginning goes a long way towards building trust in a friendship, and may actually bring you closer.
4. Know your behavior patterns. Do you find yourself attracted to guys that other people are dating rather than single, eligible men? Have you dated a friend's ex before? If you have, chances are this is a behavioral pattern rather than true love, and you'd be doing yourself a favor to walk away.

Remember, there are always options when it comes to dating. Perhaps it's time to try out online dating, and get out of dating your own circle of friends. Check out our complete list of reviews for online dating sites.

It would appear that winter is a prime time for starting up an online dating profile. It's too cold to really go out, and maybe the weather presents a problem for typical social activities. As a result, I often see profiles that say something along the lines of, “I haven't been doing much lately because it's cold, but I can't wait until summer! I like to rock climb, wakeboard, and play Ultimate Frisbee.”

Well, guess what? We're finally getting into summer. Thus, there are two major points to double-check. First, is your profile up-to-date? Are you still complaining about the cold, when it was 90 degrees last week? While you're at it, check the sections for most recently read books and movies, and update those as well. Movies are especially telling, since they come out on a set schedule. Unless you've listed only that you're waiting for the next Harry Potter or Twilight movie, chances are it's out-of-date.

Next, it's necessary to go over those summer activities and interests and decide whether they're actually accurate. Maybe you went wakeboarding once, several years ago, and it sounded pretty good during that snowstorm last December. If you're not actually planning on wakeboarding this summer, replace it with an activity you can actually talk about. Trust me, you do not want to get into an awkward moment when you're asked a question you can't answer! Even if you weren't being deliberately dishonest, you could give that impression.

Finally, remember to actually get out and enjoy those summer activities! Come next November, you'll be regretting it if you don't. And who knows? Maybe while you're out on a summer adventure you'll meet someone worth pursuing. And there's no need to prove you can actually wakeboard if you meet right on the beach!

Though there are still some who cling to the “perfect match” myth, I think most reasonable individuals understand that a relationship is more than possible even if not every interest matches up. We know that it's okay if we don't have all the same favorite movies, or if I like building model ships and he doesn't. We understand that a potential match might not always love every one of our hobbies.

What is harder to remember is that we might not love every one of their hobbies, either. In fact, it's entirely possible that the perfect match for you also has hobbies or habits that you find downright annoying.

Maybe it's a love of trashy reality TV. Maybe it's mushy romance novels. Maybe it's scale train sets that eat up the basement. Or maybe they get dressed up and go to historical reenactments.

Before you run screaming from someone who has a hobby that you think is from another planet, ask yourself one question: will you be expected to participate? Nine times out of ten, the answer is no; this person had this hobby long before you came into the picture, and would still have it if you left.

Besides, you're looking for a partner in life, not just in interests. Everyone is multi-faceted; this is only one aspect of your potential match. And while it may seem strange or weird to you now, who knows? You might find it endearing or interesting some day.

Nobody is entirely, completely perfect. If it's not a hobby you can't relate to, you might be annoyed by a tendency to squeeze toothpaste from the middle of the tube or to leave socks all over the place. Does a minor annoyance mean you're incompatible, or that a relationship is doomed? Absolutely not. A strong relationship is one in which you love the person despite their flaws; you aren't blind to them.

So if that almost-perfect person likes to build dollhouses, give them a chance regardless. You just might find yourself helping them pick out the miniature décor.

In the world of online dating, there's a word that is frequently bandied about: perfect. Find your perfect match! Your perfect mate! The perfect person could be out there waiting!

The implication, of course, should be that it's the perfect person for you, not someone perfect in general. After all, no one's perfect, right? Say the word enough, however, and some begin to expect true perfection.

I hear it all the time: “Well, he looks good on paper, sure, but I don't think he looks like my type.” “She's cute, but she's taller than I am.” “He says he's a vegetarian, and they tend to be a little extreme.” Look, the chemistry you have with someone in-person is important, sure. And sometimes someone does possess an interest or trait that, for you, might be a deal-breaker. However, all these things are easily assessed in person; it's a shame to bypass a profile completely because you're not absolutely positive you'll be madly in love at first sight.

Perhaps some do feel an instant connection with a picture, or a list of interests. However, how many of your previous relationships have started based on an instant attraction? For me, it's far more likely that a friendly acquaintance has developed into something more. Some relationships have a primal attraction; some are a little more intellectual. Neither is better or worse than the other.

Online dating sites offer the opportunity to meet people you might not otherwise encounter – but it's useless if you don't actually get out there and meet some of them. Remember: the sites are merely a tool to jump-start a relationship – they aren't actually supposed to develop on the site. Ultimately, there will be a relationship between two people, not two profiles. Even if they're not quite your type, get out there are meet someone new! Who knows what might develop? Not-Quite-So-Perfect might actually be Perfect-For-You.

There's an old saying that people love to debate: there's no such thing as a truly selfless act. If you feel good doing something for someone else, you are therefore being nice in order to get that positive feeling. Thus, is it possible to be truly selfless?

I'm beginning to think there's a similar conundrum in the world of dating. You see, we're often told that love is found when you're least expecting it. Well, let's say you don't see anyone remotely compatible at work, and you're something of a social hermit. If no effort is made, you're pretty much reduced to hoping you run into prospective people at the grocery store or post office – and while that does happen, it's not a certainty (maybe you live in an elderly neighborhood to boot).

The logical conclusion, to me, would be to switch up your routine, and make an effort to get out and do something you enjoy. Try to make it social – reading is typically a solo activity, but there are book clubs. You're raising your chances of meeting anyone – whether for friendship or romance – and you're doing something you enjoy as well. It's a win-win situation.

I suggested a social overhaul to a friend of mine recently. He wasn't convinced. “But if I join something,” he said, “I'll know that I'm doing it because I want to meet someone.”

“That's why you choose something you enjoy,” I said. “If you don't meet anyone, you're still having fun. And maybe you'll make a new friend, and maybe they'll know someone who would be a good match, and so on.”

“But then I'll have that scenario in my mind too,” he argued. “In the back of my mind I'll know I'm looking for someone.”

At this point my brain began to hurt.

I'll put it simply: if you're only ever at work and home, your social life is in need of improvement, both romantic and otherwise. You can't expect a Mr. or Mrs. Right to come knocking on your door. Online dating is an option, but it's hard to feel a connection with someone without any outside interests or hobbies. Maybe originally you'll have a romantic “ulterior motive” if you make yourself get out more; it doesn't matter. If you're meeting people, and having a good time, your social life will be improved, and that in itself is a victory.

I recently heard that there are dating sites that match up couples based on their taste in books. While this sounds compelling, the first thought I had was, “What about all those fans of romance novels?”

The truth is, we are all multi-layered individuals with many interests. Some of those interests are incredibly niche, and some of them even tend to fall along gender lines. While it's certainly possible to find men who like romance novels and women who like military science fiction, it's not easy.

So what does that mean when we're filling out our online dating profiles? Should we censor ourselves? Should we produce a more distilled, generic version of ourselves?

Well, no. However, since we have a wide range of interests, it can't hurt to double-check that we're not only listing the difficult, niche ones. Maybe you like military science fiction, but you also like Star Wars. It's going to be much easier to find another Star Wars fan. Or maybe you're a woman with a weakness for chick flicks – well, you might find men who have one as well, but the movies have acquired that term for a reason. Don't hold your breath.

Remember, it's okay if you don't match up in every single interest. If you do wind up in a long-term relationship, eventually you're going to want your own space, your own interests. It might be fun to have a partner with whom to attend that comic book convention – but you might be just as happy leaving the partner at home and going with a friend.

Maybe you're holding out hope that you find that one person who loves military science fiction as much as you do. It's perfectly acceptable to include it in your profile; I would just make sure there's other, more popular interests as well. As an alternative, you could list “science fiction,” and list a few specific favorites that would appeal to the military buff, while still leaving the door open for other kinds of sci-fi.

So as you're proofreading your online dating profile, ask yourself: are your interests too niche? Do you have a balance that reflects who you are, but that others can relate to? Remember, part of meeting friends is finding what you have in common, not simply listing who you are.