Advice

It's the start of another television season, and it seems there's quite a bit that's familiar this year. Reboots of old shows, new seasons of reality shows that have been going for years, new versions of the same old shows featuring cops or doctors or lawyers. When you stop to think about it, very little seems original at all.

Dating can be like that, too. Many people get stuck in a rut, rebooting the same old thing, the same partner in this season's clothing. No one wants to be another version of The Couple in Limbo Show (Will they finally make a commitment? Probably not) or The Comfy Couple (No chemistry, safe for the kiddies to watch!) or their own personal story, played out once again. So why do we often seek the same thing, over and over?

Well, television studios do it because they think they know what will work. They know that, for example, people like procedural dramas, so even though there are already five good ones out there, they'll put out another because it has a good shot at being watched. This doesn't mean the viewing public wouldn't love something fresh and original – quite the contrary. But something fresh and original has a greater chance of failing, too. It's a bigger gamble.

Similarly, sometimes we stick with a relationship approach or “type” that's less than optimal because we've experienced it before. No, it's not great, but something unknown is scarier, a greater risk. When faced with several strangers to meet (or email), we might gravitate toward the type we're most familiar with.

Thus, the only way to break out of the rut and get a new plot is for someone to take a gamble. You could sit around and wait for someone completely out of the box to approach you – or you could start to write your own new story. Sure, thinking outside the box might not work out – but on the other hand, you could be creating an entirely new chapter in your life. Are you willing to take a chance?

Moving to a new town or city can be difficult. Depending on how far you've moved, you might have to deal with a new climate, new culture, new food. You don't know many people, if any. And, worse yet, you have no clue where to even begin to meet new friends. Finding romance is just one problem in a string of many.

This is where online dating sites can be quite helpful. Not just to find potential romantic matches, although of course that is a primary function. No, using a dating site can help you scope out your new home – before you even get there.

One way is to do what I call a “friend search,” for members of both sexes. Even if your particular dating site is meant for romance, not friendship, don't worry about it – you won't have to email anyone. What you're doing is looking for people with common interests – not necessarily scoping for friends, but just people similar to you. Then check out their favorite places to go, their favorite activities. Is there an informal baseball team that everyone seems to belong to? A hot restaurant or club that everyone loves? You're learning already. You're figuring out what people in your age range, with your interests, like to do in your new city.

Next, update your profile with your new zip code. If you haven't moved yet, mention in the text that you're moving to your new location soon, and you're looking to meet new people. It might help to include a question, such as, “What restaurant should be first on my list to try?” People love giving advice and opinions. You might have a conversation going with a native before you even arrive! Just remember to update your profile when you actually arrive – it looks funny when you say you'll be moving “soon” for a year.

Don't be afraid to email people! You'll never meet anyone if you don't say hello, and this applies to the online world as well. Even if you don't make a romantic connection, you could still make a new friend – and in a new location, that can be just as valuable. Besides, as your social group expands, who knows who you might be introduced to?

A move to a new place can be daunting, but it doesn't have to be. Thinking outside the box and turning inward, to the internet, can reap rewards – both in friendship and romance.

I recently married after being single for more years than I care to admit. I thought there was something wrong with me, as all of my other friends seemed to find partners and settle down while I was still posting online dating profiles. Then I realized that I was placing more emphasis on timing than on really finding the right person. I was more concerned with how my life compared to others, and it almost sabotaged my love life.

When I met my husband for the first time, I decided to approach dating him in a different way. Instead of analyzing everything, sizing him up, or otherwise trying to “save time” by deciding early on whether or not I should continue dating him, I decided to just enjoy our time together. I would take things one day at a time, without being concerned about whether he was the right one for me. Sure, I was hesitant about our long-term prospects, but I didn’t care. I was enjoying our time together, and decided to go with the flow.

This turned out to be the best decision I ever made.

When we spend the majority of our time analyzing, critiquing, and dismissing our dates, we are doing ourselves and them a disservice. Love is not necessarily an instant feeling, like lust. Rather, it’s an intimacy, a real connection. And one that builds as you spend time together and get to know each other. It also builds as you let go of expectations and control. Many of us want to control our relationships and how they progress, whether we realize it or not. Letting go and allowing relationships to exist and grow on their own is key to recognizing the right person when you see him.

There is another important factor in determining whether or not someone is right for you. Do you tend to fall in love quickly and easily? If so, you may want to separate yourself from your emotions, and listen to your gut. Our intuitions always steer us in the right direction. If he seems perfect, but you can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t quite right, most likely something isn’t quite right. Trust your intuition.

Also, pay attention to his actions as well as his words. If he says all the right things but is not good about returning phone calls, making plans, or treating you with respect and consideration, that is a sign that he may not be who he says he is.

If you find yourself in a dating rut, trust yourself and let go of your old way of doing things. Enjoy the moment when you’re on dates. Don’t try to control the progression of the relationship. And most importantly, pay attention to your instincts, no matter what. When you do these things, it will be clear to you whether or not you’re dating Mr. Right.

When you're single, it can be easy to throw yourself into something else – specifically, your career or job. When one aspect of our life isn't going exactly as we'd like, it makes sense that we'd work even harder to find success in another area.

The problem comes when you've decided you'd like to pursue a relationship, but you have no spare time due to your demanding job. You're now in a chicken-and-egg situation: the job, which fills all extra time nicely, leaves little room for anything else, much less the intoxicating demands of a new relationship. How can you break the cycle?

For those not yet in this exact situation, the best advice is to not let it happen in the first place. Don't fill up every available hour with overtime; set aside social time each week, whether it's going somewhere with friends, joining a club, taking a class, or just watching TV when there's nothing else planned. Having some malleable “me” time makes it easier to adjust to new scenarios, whether it's starting a new relationship or getting a pet.

If you want to break an existing cycle, it will require conscious decisions and effort. Many people think, “Oh, I'll just adjust my schedule when the right one comes along.” The problem is, it can be hard to even meet that right one if you're at work all the time. Joining an online dating site is a good solution for those pressed for time, but remember that you'll be going on dates face-to-face, away from the office – hopefully soon. If you're feeling a bit rusty in social situations, try getting out there with friends, or even alone, before you start emailing. Yes, it might take time away from work – but it's worth it.

Remember: as you get deeper into a relationship, different time demands will be made. Not always more; just different. Getting dressed up for a date a few times a week is not the same thing as coming home to a cozy dinner, but they're equally important. Also, remember that a relationship is comprised of two people, each of whom have their own lives and commitments. Merging those two lives isn't always easy. Maybe work will require an adjustment; maybe it won't. Either way, balancing it with a good relationship is worth the challenge.

Whether this is your first online romance or your fiftieth, chances are good that you don't have a foolproof system for determining your paramour's potential to be a long-term partner. It happens to all of us sooner or later - a relationship will be progressing nicely, and then all of a sudden we find ourselves plagued by thoughts of "But is this The One? Could I settle down with this person? Are we truly compatible? What does our future hold?"

I have a confession to make: I don't have a foolproof system either. No one does. Ultimately, the only person who can decide what's right for you is you, and you're probably going to make a few mistakes before finding your perfect match.

I can, however, offer some first-rate guidance on finding Mr. or Mrs. Right before the trial and error method puts too much wear and tear on your heart. To determine if your date is marriage material, consider these questions:

• Does your date agree with everything you say? This is a bit of a trick question. Someone who respects your opinions is a keeper - but someone who constantly agrees with you just for the sake of agreeing with you is not. To sustain a long-term relationship, you need a partner who has an opinion of their own, and who will defend it to the death when they feel strongly about it.

• Do they have a good relationship with their family? A close relationship with parents is a sign of stability and emotional health, and usually indicates the potential to be in a steady long-term relationship. But a relationship that is too close, to the point that it becomes needy and dependent, is a problem.

• Are you the most important thing in their life? This is another trick question. Everyone wants (and deserves!) to feel needed and special, but if you are the center of your date's universe you might want to rethink their partnership potential. A man or woman who is marriage material does not call to check in with you four times a day, and doesn't get upset if you spend a night or two away with your friends. The rule of healthy parental relationships applies here too: a strong, loving connection is a good thing, while neediness and dependence are not.

• Does your date have realistic expectations of your future together - and do their expectations match yours? A shared vision of your future is essential to a successful long-term relationship. Talk openly about your goals and expectations to make sure they are A) Aligned and B) Achievable. Don't set yourself up for disappointment.

There's one final question I want you to keep in mind when deciding if your love is marriage material: Do they seem too good to be true? Follow the old adage in this situation - if they seem too good to be true, they probably are. No one is flawless, and a sincere, genuine partner will not have a problem revealing their flaws when they feel a lasting connection with you.

My friends are an incredibly gifted group of people. They're intelligent, funny, creative, attractive, successful, and artistic. Some started their own companies when they were teenagers. Some are dedicated to saving the planet, one environmentally-friendly step at a time. Some are pursuing political careers. Some spend their free time volunteering to help under-privileged children and starving families. Some are traveling the world. Others are models, writers, photographers, dancers, musicians, artists, and actors. They are talented in thousands of ways - but writing online dating profiles frequently isn't one of them.

It amazes me how often I see a bad profile make a great catch seem like a not-if-we-were-the-last-two-people-on-Earth kind of date. Take this description, for example:

"I'm an average height and weight, with dark hair and blue eyes. I'm an ok cook and people tell me that I sing well, but I'll leave it up to you to decide whether or not I have a good voice. I play tennis on the weekends, although I'm not very good at it. I have some other hobbies as well, but I'm more interested in hearing about yours."

Yawn. Boring, right? In the name of humility and modesty, that profile paints a portrait of someone who is dull, ordinary, and insecure. Modesty is supposed to be a virtue, but when it comes to finding love online, modesty - especially false modesty - is a huge mistake. Writing an enticing, effective profile requires you to toot your own horn so loudly it can be heard halfway across the globe.

So if you're an award-winning journalist who has the brains of a Princeton professor, the figure of a fitness model, and the skills of a classically trained pianist, say so! Fight the urge that tells you that you have to downgrade yourself to avoid coming off as a jerk with a severe case of narcissism. Don't underestimate yourself. Squash your self-consciousness.

Your online dating profile is the only glimpse potential paramours get into who you really are and what positive qualities you possess - so why waste time making yourself seem less interesting, less attractive, less unique, etc? By talking about your strengths, you are simply reporting the facts, not stroking your ego.

That being said, flaunting your assets to the point that it becomes the arrogant gloating of a high-maintenance bragger is a huge turn-off. Follow a glowing self-review by admitting to an innocent flaw that is humanizing and endearing, like "I couldn't carry a tune if it had a handle and the longest I've ever managed to stay upright on skis is approximately 12 seconds."

Write your profile the way a marketing team would write an advertisement for a product. What do you bring to the table (and to a future partner's life) that is exceptional, unforgettable, exciting, and indispensable? Do you plan to climb Mount Everest? Have you published a poem? Could you defeat Beckham in a one-on-one match? Tell a story that demonstrates your strong points and makes readers want to know more about what makes you such a catch.