Advice

When we’re dating, we tend to be on our best behavior. We like to appear confident, in control, attractive...and dare I say it? Perfect.

Of course, none of us is perfect. We all have weaknesses. The problem comes when we try to hide our weaknesses and pretend to be perfect, hoping the object of our affection won’t notice our flaws and lose interest.

The truth is, when you allow someone in and show your own vulnerability, you make room for a connection. That is, people connect with others who make them feel comfortable, and with whom they can relate. If you are trying so hard to portray yourself as a flawless man or woman, you don’t leave much room for your dates to truly connect with you. If you show that you’re human, you also give him room to be more comfortable and vulnerable with you.

For instance, wouldn’t you rather let your date know if you hate large crowds than going along to a concert because he wants to go? Trying to please him doesn’t do either of you any favors. Also, if you don't feel comfortable being honest with him about such small issues, how difficult will it be to come clean when it comes to the more important challenges? You will both be happier as the relationship moves forward if you are open about your fears and insecurities. Honesty is crucial in building connection and a lasting relationship.

Also, when you’re dating, have realistic expectations about your potential dates. They are not perfect, and neither are you. If you spend a lot of time and energy dismissing dates because they don’t have everything on your “must-have” list, you could be missing out on getting to know some really great people. Even one who may be perfect for you.

The study of body language, like the study of any other topic, involves a glossary of terms unique to the subject matter. You've already encountered some - like "eye accessing cues" and "triangulation" - but I would like to go over a few more of my personal favorites that are essential for understanding how to flirt and date effectively.

Up first: proximity. Proximity is defined by Dictionary.com as "nearness in place, time, order, occurrence, or relation." In the world of body language, proximity refers specifically to physical closeness. Modern society, in most countries, is fixated on the idea of "personal space," which means that breaking the rules and ignoring the boundaries of personal space leaves a very powerful impression.

When it comes to flirting and dating, the closer you stand to someone, the more interested you seem. Likewise, if someone is standing unusually close to you, it's safe to assume that they are attracted to you. Men frequently hover near women they are interested in while working up the courage to speak to them, and women often intentionally position themselves near men they are attracted to in hopes that the men will notice and begin talking to them, so it's wise to be aware of your surroundings at all times.

The next term is preening, a word that might not be familiar although the concept probably is. Preening, in the animal kingdom, is a kind of personal grooming, particularly common in birds that clean their feathers using their bills. In humans, preening is strongly flirtatious behavior that disguises itself as personal grooming.

Men and women are, understandably, concerned with their appearance when in the presence of someone they are attracted to, and consequently are constantly making adjustments to it. A woman is preening when she plays with her hair excessively, touches her neck and shoulders, and draws attention to her mouth by licking or biting her lips. A man is preening when he adjusts his hair or clothing, takes a wider stance, and positions himself in a way that makes him appear larger. Both genders flirt by drawing attention to the physical characteristics that make them unique: women hold their shoulders low and thrust their chests out to highlight their breasts, while men rest their hands on their hips or tuck their fingers into their belt loops or pockets to highlight their groins.

The final term I would like to review is mirroring, a body language concept that can be used to your advantage in more than just your love life. Next time you're in a social situation - of any kind - take a moment to observe your interaction closely. Are you and your conversation partner breathing at the same rate? Do you use the same volume, tone, and speed when you speak? Do you move at the same time? Are you sitting in similar positions? If one person adjusts, does the other person adjust to match?

These are all signs of mirroring, which is the replication of another person's actions in a social interaction. Mirroring is normally done without conscious awareness, but you can deliberately duplicate the patterns of movement, speech, and breathing in someone you're on a date with in order to signal your interest and build attraction in them. Just remember to be subtle about it, or you're bound to look a little strange!

* * *

Well, there you have it...a complete rundown of the basics of body language, from head to toe. You now know everything you need to know to pass Body Language 101. You'd better start studying now, because you never know when there might be a pop quiz...

In my last post, I touched on a subject that some might consider controversial: online dating archetypes, and why finding love online might be one of the few situations in which it's ok to label people. Like many, if not most, of you, I have an intense dislike of being lumped into categories and think it's unfair to place similar restrictions on others - and in most cases, I would vehemently advise against it - but I've found over and over again that describing people using common online dating archetypes can save hours that would otherwise be spent on fruitless searching, futile messaging, and pointless dates.

I asked my friends to weigh in on the issue, and they reported similar findings: they felt that the majority of the people they encounter on online dating sites fall into distinct, recognizable categories, some of which indicate positive characteristics and some of which point towards undesirable traits. Intrigued by their responses, I inquired further, asking my comrades-in-online-dating-arms what archetypes or categories they most often came across. Some of the types of women they most commonly found, in no particular order, were:

1. Women seeking an ego boost. Unfortunately, many female members of online dating sites are not actually looking for love - they're just looking for a little attention and validation. Perhaps these women were recently dumped and need to be assured of their desirability, or maybe they generally have low self-esteem and need the attention to increase their confidence. Whatever the reason, the result is always the same: they receive hundreds of messages, and rarely respond. Beware of women who toy with admirers' emotions in order to feel better about themselves.
2. Women who are too good to be true. The classic rule definitely applies here: if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Unless you're using an adult site that caters to low-key hookups, profiles that focus on sex and feature pictures that look like porn stars aren't real. More often than not, they're scammers looking to steal your personal information.
3. Women with children. Being a single mother is difficult, and trying to find a partner when you're a single mother can be even harder. If you love children, or have children of your own, you're in luck - but if you don't envision yourself as a parent any time soon, be up front about it and don't waste the time (or play with the affections) of women you will never be interested in dating seriously.
4. Average women. At first glance, "average" might sound like an unflattering description - average appearance, average education, average career - but don't hesitate to give someone who initially appears average a shot. I encourage all of you to dream big, but it's important not to forget that there must be some sense of reality to your expectations or you will always be disappointed. Most women are not supermodels (and let's be honest - you probably aren't either), but if you find a personality you really connect with, you have a solid foundation for a strong long-term relationship.

That's all for now, but join me next time for a run-down of the kinds of men most commonly found on online dating sites.

By now, you've probably heard that freshening up your profile every few months is a good idea. Including just a few sentences about the current month or the latest movie you've seen instantly dates your profile – in a good way. It keeps it up to date, you're constantly reevaluating and editing it, and it shows that you haven't just put it out there and forgotten about it. However, there's something else that we should remember when we think about keeping up-to-date: ourselves.

Many people who use online dating sites are busy people, and the dating world as a whole is hard on self-esteem. Put those two factors together and you've got a lot of people who probably put everything else before themselves. So, we know how to freshen up our profiles; what about ourselves?

Stick with something small and inexpensive. A haircut is something that can instantly make a person feel more well-kept and neat. If you're looking to drastically change your appearance, however, beware! Try not to go when you're already feeling down – chances are it will make you more critical of the results. A simple trim, however, cleans things up and can put a bounce in your step without being earth-shattering. Someone with long hair might consider a blow-out, instead.

A new outfit – not a new wardrobe, just something simple – can also brighten someone's day. Not everyone likes shopping, but it can be rewarding to find something flattering and stylish. And for those who are self-conscious about how they look, finding clothes they like can be a first step in feeling better about themselves.

It doesn't have to be all about retail therapy; you could try taking a drive out to a beautiful location, just to drink in the view. You could set aside an hour to meditate and relax. You could run a bubble bath. The important thing to remember is that you're pampering yourself, taking time out just for you. A little self-care can refresh your appearance, your attitude, and your soul – a little shot in the arm that we all need every now and then.

Taking a little time for yourself also works great before a date. After all, who would you rather meet on a first date – someone who's grumpy, tired and cynical, or someone who feels refreshed, confident and ready to take on the world? It might seem silly that taking a bath could produce these results, but it's all about what works for you – and thinking of yourself in the first place.

If you're new to online dating, the world of cyber romance is fresh, exhilarating, and rife with nervous excitement. The Internet offers endless possibilities for your love life, from meeting your perfect match halfway across the globe to discovering that the love of your life is a long-lost childhood friend who lives 10 miles away. Online dating means having the chance to connect with millions of people from all walks of life, with diverse and distinctive personalities, interests, hobbies, and ambitions.

Right?

Well...sort of.

As children, we're taught that we are special, one-of-a-kind individuals. Our mannerisms, habits, likes, dislikes, talents, shortcomings, interests, and experiences are unique and exceptional. And while that's true in many ways, spending months, years, or even just a few hours on online dating sites tells a second story: there is a surprising number of ways in which we are alike, too.

Most of us are trained to reject labels and personal categorizations on the grounds that they are unfair, inaccurate, and restrictive, but Internet dating is one situation in which it can actually be beneficial to put aside your aversion to classification. I know it sounds crazy, but trust me on this one. There are three reasons I would encourage you to give categorization a shot:

1. A few photographs and some text in a profile are all you have to go on when determining if you're interested in someone online. If you know what kind of person you're looking for, you can focus on searching for people who fit into that category - or archetype, if you will - instead of wasting your time slogging through a continuous parade of dead-end profiles.
2. Number two is the follow-up to number one: if you know what type of people you are generally not interested in, you can easily avoid them. A word to the wise, however: don't be so picky that you miss out on amazing opportunities! Sometimes good relationships come from unexpected sources.
3. The final reason I would suggest a foray into classification takes its cue from the business and self-improvement worlds: personal branding. When you understand who you are (or who you want others to perceive you as, which may or may not be the same thing) you can ensure that you present yourself in a way that creates the desired impression. Take some time to think about the kind of person you're attracted to. Consider their personality traits, physical appearance, goals, skills, etc., and then determine what archetype or archetypes they represent. Now think about what kind of people your ideal match is attracted to - what archetypes do they epitomize? When you've figured it out, you can modify your profile to present yourself in a way that it is designed to appeal to the people who appeal to you. Your chances of finding love online will increase dramatically.

You can read more about personal branding, impression management, and online identity management on Wikipedia.

It's the start of another television season, and it seems there's quite a bit that's familiar this year. Reboots of old shows, new seasons of reality shows that have been going for years, new versions of the same old shows featuring cops or doctors or lawyers. When you stop to think about it, very little seems original at all.

Dating can be like that, too. Many people get stuck in a rut, rebooting the same old thing, the same partner in this season's clothing. No one wants to be another version of The Couple in Limbo Show (Will they finally make a commitment? Probably not) or The Comfy Couple (No chemistry, safe for the kiddies to watch!) or their own personal story, played out once again. So why do we often seek the same thing, over and over?

Well, television studios do it because they think they know what will work. They know that, for example, people like procedural dramas, so even though there are already five good ones out there, they'll put out another because it has a good shot at being watched. This doesn't mean the viewing public wouldn't love something fresh and original – quite the contrary. But something fresh and original has a greater chance of failing, too. It's a bigger gamble.

Similarly, sometimes we stick with a relationship approach or “type” that's less than optimal because we've experienced it before. No, it's not great, but something unknown is scarier, a greater risk. When faced with several strangers to meet (or email), we might gravitate toward the type we're most familiar with.

Thus, the only way to break out of the rut and get a new plot is for someone to take a gamble. You could sit around and wait for someone completely out of the box to approach you – or you could start to write your own new story. Sure, thinking outside the box might not work out – but on the other hand, you could be creating an entirely new chapter in your life. Are you willing to take a chance?