Advice

It probably won't come as a surprise to you that confidence and high self-esteem are invaluable assets in the dating world. Confidence covers a myriad of flaws and can literally make you appear more attractive. When we speak of confidence we're usually talking about face-to-face meetings and first dates. However, you may not know that low self-esteem can actually make your online profile less attractive.

Low self-esteem works its way into every aspect of your life, and this can be quite apparent when you're writing about yourself. Even before the viewer gets to the text, they look at a picture of you – and to put it bluntly, an insincere smile looks exactly as fake as it is. Try taking a picture of yourself on a good day, when you know you're looking great, and one on a day where you feel poorly. Night and day. As a result, even pictures that aren't technically perfect – with messy hair or eyes closed from laughing – can have more positive results, if they're genuine.

Then we get to the sections of self-description. Here's where the red flags can really sneak in. First and foremost, the very words you choose might reflect bitterness: “baggage,” “drama,” “playing games” all paint a picture, and not a very happy one. How you describe yourself can be much the same, even if you're trying to give it a positive spin: “chubby, so deal with it,” “skinny nerd,” “more personality than conventional looks.” Here's a hint: if you feel you need to add “ha ha” to anything to take the edge off, it's probably best to scrap it altogether.

However, let's say you've gone through and meticulously edited out all traces of insecurity. Your low self-esteem could still be peeking through. Simply put, if you don't feel you're a good catch, your very profile will be lacking warmth and come across as “flat” and insincere. Yes, it can be hard to toot your own horn – but how else are you expected to set yourself apart?

Raising your self-esteem is no easy task, but it can be done. Just as poor self-esteem can spread into all areas of your life, so can good self-esteem. Focus on what you like about yourself, and play up those attributes. Before you know it, you'll be giving yourself the credit you genuinely deserve.

The LoveGeist Report 2010-2011 begins with a quick overview of the modern dating community. What do contemporary daters look like? What are their likes and dislikes? What characteristics do they look for in a partner?

Let's find out.

The Female of the Species

What does the average female dater look like in 2010? A review of 75,000 female Match.com members revealed that she:

• Is between 25 and 30 years old (22% of the sample).
• Is about 5'5" tall (15%).
• Is a brunette (31%) with blue eyes (40%).
• Thinks her eyes are her best feature (53%).
• Views her body type as average (36%).
• Sees herself as easygoing (32%) and sociable (14%).
• Is intelligent (53% have a degree, compared with 13% of the general female population of the UK).
• Enjoys travel above all other activities, followed by movies, conversation, and cooking.
• Mostly likely works in the medical, dental, or veterinary field (11%).

To determine what this average female Match.com member wants from her male matches, match and the Future Foundation analyzed women's multiple choice responses. It appears that the ideal man considers his body type to be "average" (90%), and has short (97%), dark brown (89%) hair, blue eyes (84%), and an easygoing personality (86%).

• Black hair came in second (75%), followed by light brown (73%), blond (59%), and the salt and pepper look (38%). Men with cropped or shaved hair were popular (56%), and bald men found fans in 26% of Match.com's female population.
• Most women resoundingly favored an average body type, though 38% preferred slender men and 34% liked men with a few extra pounds.
• Women love men with eyes that are...well...eye-catching. 78% rate them as a man's most attractive feature, followed by "an attractive smile" (77%), "a good bum" (35%), and "good arms" (27%). Feet scored the lowest, with only 4%.
• As far as personality goes, women want easygoing men with good senses of humor (86%). "Thoughtful" men also scored highly (75%), as did those who are "sociable" (74%) and "reliable" (73%).
• In his spare time, the ideal man is fond of eating out and traveling. Younger women are most interested in men who enjoy movies and music, while the 50+ set go for men who show an interest in gardening.

Ladies and gentlemen, you know what comes next: it's the men's turn to take the spotlight!

For more information on this popular UK dating site, you can read our Match.com review.

Yesterday I was asked an interesting question: “I haven't been in many long-term relationships. Should I try to spin that in a positive way, or not mention it at all?”

When it comes to the past, leave it alone. If there's not some medical reason to mention it, it can stay in the past with jelly shoes and Hammer pants. Not because your past is something to be ashamed of; far from it! But it's simply irrelevant.

I've seen successful relationships form when it was at least one member's first real relationship. I've seen successful relationships happen when someone finally realizes what they're really looking for on the fiftieth try. As near as I can tell, past experience (or lack thereof) has no bearing on whether this next relationship will be successful. Every single person is currently not in a successful relationship – does it really matter why? What matters is that they find what they need.

Or think of it this way: every relationship is formed between two unique individuals. You can practice the little stuff – first dates, first-contact emails, small talk – and get better at those things, sure. But when it comes to the big relationship itself, it's never exactly the same – far from it. Whether you've had tons of experience or none, it's a brand-new entity, a combo unlike any other.

When it comes to your profile, there's no need to mention your past relationships, be they few or many. But that doesn't mean you're stuffing some part of yourself away, hiding it. While you don't need to advertise your past, that doesn't mean you shouldn't mentally own it. After all, your experiences have contributed to who you are, and that might be just perfect for someone out there. If you're comfortable and confident about your past, you'll be able to handle the issue if someone brings it up. That being said, it's generally tacky to bring up former relationships, especially on the first few dates. Who wants to bring up the past, when the future is so much more exciting?

Daters of the world, rejoice - for LoveGeist 2010 is upon us!

I imagine more than a few of you are currently giving your computer screens blank stares, so let me explain why you should be as excited about this as I am...

In 2009, match, the company behind Match.com and MatchAffinity.com, set out to achieve a truly ambitious goal: "to assess the state of the nation when it comes to love and relationships." Through painstakingly thorough research, match achieved their goal, and thus the first annual LoveGeist report was born.

Now, match has worked with consumer trend and insight specialists Future Foundation to release the LoveGeist 2010-2011 report, a tremendously comprehensive look into the love lives and dating practices of the UK and Ireland that takes a look at "the romantic state of the nation, dating for single parents and the love economy," and creates a foundation "to explore the UK's love landscape, both now and in the future." Together, match and the Future Foundation surveyed 5,692 single users registered on match sites, and researched the partner preference records of 150,000 anonymous members. To help interpret the results and offer insight into future dating trends, match also consulted "respected experts in the fields of psychology, relationships, etiquette and occupational psychology." The result is an exhaustive 43-page report that analyses questions like:

• What impact has the recession had on our approach to love? In these challenging times, is love still a priority?
• Is marriage still an aspiration? Or are other forms of long-term commitment taking priority?
• What do daters really want from a relationship? What is important?
• What challenges do single parents face in the search for love?

Match also created the Romance Barometer, designed to explore the state of the romantic beliefs of the populations of the UK and Ireland and investigate queries like:

• Who is most romantic?
• Where do the UK's romantics live?
• What are they looking for in a relationship?
• And is a new breed of romantic emerging?

Some answers confirm long-held beliefs, while others are bound to surprise you. Did you know that...

1. The majority of UK daters are looking for a long-term relationship? 93% of match members say they are looking for long-term love, a number that jumps to 97% among the 18-30s.
2. Marriage is still a priority? Nearly 80% of singles in the 18-36 age range expressed a desire to get married, while only 13% adamantly said they are not interested in marriage.
3. Security and safety are necessities in long-term relationships? "Someone I feel secure with" ranked most important in a list of traits daters are looking for in long-term partners, coming in ahead of sexual compatibility and shared values.
4. Love isn't really all you need? In a list of nine life priorities, love ranked third, above friends, social life, career, and personal ambition, but below family and health.
5. Romance is not dead? Many singles aged 55+ are upholding the traditions of romance while exploring new opportunities for relationships.

Over a series of posts, we'll review everything the LoveGeist report has to offer, from explorations of gender differences, to a look at the importance of marriage and long-term relationships, to an assessment of the ways in which the economy might be affecting your love life, to an examination of what it takes to make a relationship last, and more.

Welcome to the wonderful world of LoveGeist 2010.

For more information on the dating site, you can read our review of Match.com for the United Kingdom.

Thanksgiving is upon us. Even if you don't live in the US, chances are you might have entered your own season of thanksgiving. Between the holidays and the nature of winter – death and rebirth, cold, waiting for the darkness to give way to light... well, let's just say it's a prime season for reflection.

Just as it's important to give thanks in life every so often, so too is it in online dating – to take a moment to reflect not on what we want, but what we have. Lest you think I'm just being preachy, I'm not – acknowledging what's good in your life will help you write a more positive, upbeat profile.

Too often I've heard, “Well, there's nothing really special about me. I'm not the head of a company, I'm not great in any sports, I'm just a girl with a dog.” After that same person has reflected on what they like about their life – not even thinking in terms of self-esteem – their description becomes markedly more positive: “I'm in a job that entertains me every day. I'm in a knitting group with a great group of people; they're supportive even though I'm just learning, and a bit clumsy. I love my dog – he keeps me laughing, and it's impossible to be bored around him.”

Now, which person would you want to meet? The one in the first description, or the second? Note that even though she wasn't boasting about herself, her positive attitude about those around her makes her more appealing. Attitudes are contagious; thus, we're drawn to positive people, because we know it will make us feel positive as well.

It's good for all of us to give thanks every once in awhile; for those with low self-esteem, it can be a perfect fix for your profile when bragging about yourself is still too difficult, and a great first step in feeling better about yourself. The world can handle a bit more optimism and positivity; don't be afraid to add a liberal dash when you're cooking up your winter profile.

The study of body language, like the study of any other topic, involves a glossary of terms unique to the subject matter. You've already encountered some - like "eye accessing cues" and "triangulation" - but I would like to go over a few more of my personal favorites that are essential for understanding how to flirt and date effectively.

Up first: proximity. Proximity is defined by Dictionary.com as "nearness in place, time, order, occurrence, or relation." In the world of body language, proximity refers specifically to physical closeness. Modern society, in most countries, is fixated on the idea of "personal space," which means that breaking the rules and ignoring the boundaries of personal space leaves a very powerful impression.

When it comes to flirting and dating, the closer you stand to someone, the more interested you seem. Likewise, if someone is standing unusually close to you, it's safe to assume that they are attracted to you. Men frequently hover near women they are interested in while working up the courage to speak to them, and women often intentionally position themselves near men they are attracted to in hopes that the men will notice and begin talking to them, so it's wise to be aware of your surroundings at all times.

The next term is preening, a word that might not be familiar although the concept probably is. Preening, in the animal kingdom, is a kind of personal grooming, particularly common in birds that clean their feathers using their bills. In humans, preening is strongly flirtatious behavior that disguises itself as personal grooming.

Men and women are, understandably, concerned with their appearance when in the presence of someone they are attracted to, and consequently are constantly making adjustments to it. A woman is preening when she plays with her hair excessively, touches her neck and shoulders, and draws attention to her mouth by licking or biting her lips. A man is preening when he adjusts his hair or clothing, takes a wider stance, and positions himself in a way that makes him appear larger. Both genders flirt by drawing attention to the physical characteristics that make them unique: women hold their shoulders low and thrust their chests out to highlight their breasts, while men rest their hands on their hips or tuck their fingers into their belt loops or pockets to highlight their groins.

The final term I would like to review is mirroring, a body language concept that can be used to your advantage in more than just your love life. Next time you're in a social situation - of any kind - take a moment to observe your interaction closely. Are you and your conversation partner breathing at the same rate? Do you use the same volume, tone, and speed when you speak? Do you move at the same time? Are you sitting in similar positions? If one person adjusts, does the other person adjust to match?

These are all signs of mirroring, which is the replication of another person's actions in a social interaction. Mirroring is normally done without conscious awareness, but you can deliberately duplicate the patterns of movement, speech, and breathing in someone you're on a date with in order to signal your interest and build attraction in them. Just remember to be subtle about it, or you're bound to look a little strange!

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Well, there you have it...a complete rundown of the basics of body language, from head to toe. You now know everything you need to know to pass Body Language 101. You'd better start studying now, because you never know when there might be a pop quiz...